God makes beauty from ashes

Father God, Its been awhile. I have you on my heart and in my life but I havent talked to you lately because I feel so far from you. Im having so much fun these days...that Im scared if I DO talk to you, you'll tell me to "stop" and right now, I dont want to. Im having a great time, God. I imagine you as a parent at a day's end calling their little ones in from playing...and Im having too much fun playing right now and want to plead "just 5 more minutes, Dad? ok?" I love you, Lord God. You know that, right? I find it hard to pray right now. I close my eyes and try to talk to you, but nothing happens. I get distracted by the wind, the rain, the sunshine, the voices of people walking past outside...anything and everything seems louder right now than your gentle and quiet voice...so I thought I'd blog instead...and hope you are online right now. (Do you even USE a computer, God? I bet you do. I bet it's an apple and I bet your ipod songlist is AMA...

...thats what Gary was. There he was in the back of the cafe, wearing the red 'tripleJ' cap and tanned long sleeve shirt that he texted me to look out for. He was bent over Uni books, cap down and shoulders slumped and I thought to myself "if this guy is as good looking as I think he's gonna be...there is going to be trouble" I took a deep breath and put my hand out while softly asking "Gary? is that you? Hi...Im Janet" He looked up and had the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen. He looked like Disney had drawn him...or some Chinese Anime' person - because they draw eyes MUCH TOO BIG for a person's head...well, they were Gary's eyes. Warm, brown, huge and had flecks of gold in them. Over the next 2 hours (that passed by in seconds because we had so much fun)...I noticed his eyes twinkled whenever he laughed (which was a lot) and he has cute little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. He also has straight, even teeth and a personality ...

You'd never guess I was talking about my shower, would you? But yeah...I am. I really am. I had a long day at work today, made a fool of myself several times on Mike's poor answering machine (I swear to God if that boy ever calls me again, he's obviously the one meant for me because I wouldnt call me back, I crossed over to "crazy stalker" level today. Wish I could take it back), and had the phonecall of a lifetime with Jon. After I hung up from the phone-call that changed my life - I went to shower. Stripping off not just my clothes, but guilt, shame, worry and fear with my tatty old things and I stepped into the shower, letting the water...and the memories...slide right off me. The THING is...the shower didn't behave very well. It never bloody does. I think the water system favours every other flat in this building so that whenever someone uses their taps or flushes the toilet, Mom's shower goes from a gorgeous warm/hot temperature to FREEZING with...

Yep. Im a year older. I have actually had a really great birthday and got really spoiled and loved and cherished and blessed. Father God you are so good to me. Thank you. I have just now read all my facebook posts for my birthday and I feel awed by the sheer amount of people who love me. Im floored by it, blessed by it and touched beyond belief by it. WOW. I spent the evening with my besties at Sizzler and loved it. It was a 'quiet' birthday, but one full of love. Awesome. So right now I'm looking at myself and wondering what's next. Where do I go from here? A year ago my life was SO DIFFERENT. So much can change in a year. Right now...NOTHING in my life is the same. I am not even CLOSE to being the person I used to be. Not even close. *sighs* tonight...I've got 'boyce avenue' on in the background, I have my fingers ready at these familiar keys and I'm taking time to look back over my life and think "Right...what have I learned in this past ye...

Sooooooo tired right now. Today I had my 'aptitude' test at the hospital - 5 1/2 hours, ehhhh? it was a long day but the Doctor testing me was really patient and I think if I wasnt so worried about my poor brain, I would have enjoyed the tests cos I cant help it, i like a good challenge! The tiny Janet in me had her boxing gloves on and was PUMPED for what was ahead. I got to do writing, drawing, explaining, making puzzles, colouring in, doing things on a computer...a wide range of things. I could see for myself where my strengths and weaknesses were so it was an eye opener. The Doctors said it was a way to test my brain and my thinking and my problem solving abilities (which i learnt today are REALLY BAD and need ALOT of improvement) and once they get the results together, they will call me in and let me know how I 'rate' and what my brain's doing. Im very aware that I was a bit of a nutcase BEFORE the accident so I dont know really how this will compare to the...

Im at another crossroads. Im starting to think life is made up of them, you know. I spoke to a friend recently who thinks life is made up of lines. We are each lines...criss crossing and linking and sometimes running alongside one another. Sometimes we 'cross' each other's paths in lines and sometimes the lines are crazy. Sometimes lines in our lives can jump the page and be off somewhere we didnt even think of or could ever dream of. I know today that I miss Jon. I can be busy and hectic and feeling on top of the world, but nights like tonight when the temperature drops and my feet are cold...I miss him. I miss that Jon would always rub my feet for me or turn on the hairdryer and make the bedcovers warm...or get my hot water bottle...or even just smile at me and say "awww" and everything...EVERYTHING would seem so much better. How did he do that? I dont know and I miss it. I really do. Im dating like a crazy person right now...trying to fill the HUGE hole...

Sometimes growing is awesome...you feel like you've learnt something and want to rush outside and start changing the world - I felt like that when I was little. I'd pack a lunch in my 'barbie' backpack, jump on my clunky old bmx and go out 'exploring' wanting to change the world and make it a better place... ...and sometimes growing just hurts your heart. ...like it did today when I heard a knock in the door and called out happily "who is it?" (I was expecting Deane - he came over last night and we had a great chat) and heard a very quiet "It's Bec"... ...and just like that, time just stopped. In the space of 2 seconds, these things happened: * I remembered Bec and I laughing and hugging when we went to Fremantle markets and had a great day * I remembered the first day I met Bec and thought my brother had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl I had EVER seen * I remembered being in England and missing Bec more than I misse...