God makes beauty from ashes

Okay. I'm in a bad way. In theory, I'm pretty blessed. I have a home, a handsome fiance. Good friends...and in a world of financial instability...I have a full time job. I have a lot to be thankful for. But my mind and heart right now cant accept that. Instead I feel so very, very low. I cried all the way into work on the bus. I couldn't hide it. I couldn't help it. I cried at work. All throughout the day. Fi got nervous and handed me a "free counselling" card. I have an appointment on Wednesday. I cried in the toilet cubicle on my lunch. I cried coming home. I cried on the phone to my usual psych, "George" I dont know why or how, but I feel he doesn't understand me, doesn't want to help me and that I cant talk to him anymore. The loss. I feel like I've lost a friend. I'm crying now while I type to you. I feel lost, alone, completely freakin' miserable and I feel like it's never going to end. The ...

I finished work yesterday evening and caught the free bus into the city, smiling to myself as I pictured Alun's happy face and how great it would feel to hug him and hear about how his day went. I got off at my usual stop and waited with about 35 impatient, tired workers to cross the road into the main Mall. There we were, all in our grey, black or navy-blue business attire. Like a little well-dressed army. I guess that's why she stood out. She was the only one in our weary group who wasn't professionally dressed. She looked to be in her early 20's and was instead wearing jeans and a bright red t-shirt. Her shirt was too big for her, which had the effect of making her look smaller than she was. She was a thin girl, with hair the colour of straw that fell gently down her back in a low ponytail. She had a tan and was wearing black jeans. I noticed a black guitar case slung over her shoulder with bright red, yellow and green stickers on it and wondered if she was a ...

Hey, I know, I'm a bit sporadic with these blog posts, huh? I'll have to make more of an effort to keep it consistent. Maybe at least once a week? Hopefully then, the posts wont be as long *wink* and then you and I can both keep a better track of where I'm at :) This week's been busy. Work and Uni are taking over my life, seriously. Especially Uni. I've struggled with sitting at my desk and trying to learn things I'm not very interested in...especially when its 80-90 pages of sentences where I'm having to look up every 2nd word. I can add anthropocentric, despotic and methodology to the words I know now. Lucky me :) The weekend was lovely as I got to see Sue, Christine and Mary Ellen. It was wonderful to sit at a cafe in Morley on a bright, Spring Saturday morning and see their lovely faces again. Sue looked lovely. Trim and classy, as she always is. Christine was a bit more subdued but of course she would be...Christine lost a good friend and her ...

2 blogs in one night :) lucky you, eh? *wink* I just wanted to write about the flowers I planted a week or so ago. I have called them my 'flower babies' and while it's all still quite new to me, I'm feeling very passionate about keeping them alive and well. Do you know I worried about my little flowers when I was away in Narrogin? I got back and didnt even unpack my suitcase. No. Instead, I filled up my pink watering can and strode out purposefully to the back garden where half of my flower babies live. I was devastated (truly) to find they weren't faring well. I planted 6 little flowers in a little row...and one of them was dead. It had drooped sadly and just looked grey and dead...and when I gently touched the leaves, they felt like paper - dry and fragile in my hands...and crumbly. It made me really sad. The other 5 were starting to droop so I watered them really well and talked to them. I've heard talking to plants helps them grow so I encouraged the...

I used to have them, you know. "days of the week" underwear. They each came in a different colour and on the front in curly, girly font, was printed the day of the week. It made me feel more organised somehow wearing them. On a rebellious whim one day, I decided to deliberately wear the wrong day of the week. Ha! I strutted off to work thinking I could rule the world. That evening though, just after dinner, I experienced a really painful 'band' around my waist. My pelvis hurt terribly and I found that if I pressed down to the side of my lower stomach, the pain seemed more manageable. After throwing up and feeling my temperature rise, I finally gave in and took myself to hospital. "We'll need to examine you" The Doctor said, and with that, asked me to pull up my shirt and lower my jeans. The pain took over any embarrassment/modesty and I dutifully pulled my jeans down a little lower. The Doctor turned to the nearest Nurse. "I th...

Hey, It's been a very busy week and a bit since I last wrote. The last time I wrote, I thought my emotions (mostly coming hard and fast and out of nowhere for no reason at all) and erratic hormones threatened to do me in. Seriously. But I'm okay. Praise God, I'm doing better with every day that passes. Mostly thanks to the amazing friends God has placed in my life. I was able to talk with Roz, G and be encouraged online through a friend who lives in Melbourne (Troy) and found myself more and more able to calm down with those I loved encouraging me that I was not, in fact, crazy - and that everything really would be okay. Deep down somewhere inside my panic, I knew that...but having G's gentle voice assure me that the world was really a beautiful place after all did wonders for my anxiety. I'm so glad he was there and that he stayed on the phone with me until breathing didn't hurt my chest any more. I'm really blessed by the friends I have. ...

My friend and beloved ex-neighbour Amy was over the other night. Amy is 20 years old, beautiful, toned and strong, fearless and has an infectious, beautiful laugh. Amy finds everything funny and is really good company. But trying to explain depression to her was as useful and enjoyable for either of us as releasing a bagful of confetti into the air on a windy day...and then hoping to collect every single one back on the same day. "All you have to do" Amy began, as she tucked one toned leg under the other and settled onto the leather sofa in the living room "Is two small things - they're sooo easy" Oh? "Yep" 20-year-old Amy continued, absentmindedly brushing her gorgeous glossy fringe from her beautiful face "First of all, you have to stop caring what everyone thinks of you. You have to. Just let it go. F*ck 'em. You dont need their opinion. You do what you have to do for you - f*ck the rest of 'em" That easy, huh? "A...