God makes beauty from ashes

Today is Jay's 36th birthday. So weird because if you'd told me 2 years ago that Jay and I would part ways (his choice) and never talk to each other again (yep, his choice too), I would have giggled. It would have seemed so silly and totally insane to me. And yet. Here I am. Mom texted me yesterday: "Can you please tell your brother happy birthday tomorrow? Even if he doesn't say anything back, at least you tried" So much hurt as I read Mom's text. So much pain. So much guilt and shame and worry and stress. Also a lot of resentment. He didn't text me on my birthday, Mom. Does anyone in this family care about that ? No. I bet my parents wouldn't dare even gently suggesting that Jay text me. But with me? They ask all the time. "Please apologise to your brother, he's very upset" I'm upset too . This is a two-sided coin, Mom and Dad - don't you get that? "You've really hurt your brother - you...

*points to herself with both thumbs* Meeeeeee! Yep. So strange, because when I came out of the 11:00am interview on Monday, I had such a peace in my heart about it. It went well, we laughed together a lot, I liked my new boss *Jess and thought she was lovely. The rest of the 'team' I belong to (HR/Admin/Facilities) are really nice, too. I was daunted being interviewed by a panel of FOUR people, but I did my best and left feeling I couldn't have done it any better. 3 hours later, I was offered the 4 week placement :) The Oil and Gas Company I'm working for are looking for a PERMANENT Receptionist so hopefully this 4 weeks will turn in years and years :) And, if it's only 4 weeks, it's a great experience and will look lovely on my CV as I think I'll get a pretty good reference out of this. I didn't want to cancel 'last minute' on my 3pm interview, so I went and smashed that one later that same afternoon AND GOT OFFERED THAT JOB, TOO :...

I met my dear friend Peta for lunch the other day. "I'm unemployed!" I wailed. "Don't say it like that" Peta squeezed my arm gently "you're between jobs , Janet - not unemployed" And so I am. ...in the 'between' of jobs. The waiting and the endless applying. The smiling and answering the same interview questions again and again "What would you bring to this role? Why should we hire you?" and each time, taking a deep breath before I answer in a calm and confident tone about my years of office experience and my passion to produce a high standard of work in all that I do. And each time, sighing and trying not to take it personally when I get the "unfortunately on this occasion" emails...and they come along in their hundreds. Believe me. I should be happy, really. How long have I been complaining of being "too busy" and longing for a rest? A really long time, right? Now it seems I have all the time ...

We used to play this game when we were little kids - "hot potato". We would use a rock or little bean bag - whatever - and pass it around to each other in a circle, pretending it was a hot potato so we'd have to pass it as quickly as possible. Today... I am the hot potato. And the company I've been temping for has dropped me as quickly as possible. My 'last day' is to be this Friday and I'm to train/handover to "Anna" when she arrives at the end of this week. First, I cried. I was in so much shock and I took it all to heart. How can I not take it personally? It personally affects me . Then I was really angry. I have worked my butt off for you guys for almost a year and this is how you treat me?!? This is outrageous! Me being me - I wanted comfort and confirmation. It was interesting to me the people that wanted to be there for me and the people that wanted to drop me or pass me to someone else as quickly as they could - like a hot ...

Hey you, I wanted to fill you in on where I'm at right now. I'm hoping that as I write and explain it to you, I'll gain a better understanding of it myself. Here goes: I am deeply unhappy - because I'm knackered . I'm so physically, emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTED that I'm fed up, burnt out - and I just want to quit. Not just my job - I want to quit EVERYTHING. Guys, I'm just so tired. Tired in my very bones - that kind of tired. I've been going on and on about my weight so just over a week ago, I decided I'd do something about it. I signed up for the "28 day challenge" at the same gym Alun goes to. They run a daily 'bootcamp' and Alun swears by it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! OMG. What's surprising is - I actually really like it . I liked 'bootcamp' right away. It's held in a Warehouse/open plan gym that's huge. There are around 30-60 people who go and it's held EVERY DAY ...

that's what it feels like to be me, at the moment - that I don't know anymore who 'me' is. I think not going to the gym or yoga anymore and putting back all the weight I lost before has knocked my confidence and has made me sort of climb back into my shell/cave and not want to come out. Now at work I'm letting people walk all over me and I'm resenting it but allowing it to happen because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve this . I feel so lost, you guys; like a ship that has no anchor or rudder and is just drifting about at sea, hoping for the best. Where am I headed? Why? Where is it I should be going? Why? Every day, I say to myself " It's going to be okay, JD. You're going to be ok " and every week, I say to myself " next week will be better " but you know what? It never is. Every week I feel more and more exhausted. Having a trapped nerve isn't helping much with things. It was such an intense pain for so long - pai...

I talk to myself. A LOT. Mostly I try to encourage myself. I think it's important to be your own advocate because in those deep, dark times where you are all alone - then you have to be your own cheerleader. You have to. What I was thinking about today was how easy it is for me to give advice to others but then not take it myself. ...because when it comes to me - I am very hard on myself and even the most simple things tend to get very, very complicated. The other day, Alun and I were watching one of his new favourite shows "peep show" - an English comedy series about 2 guys being idiots, really. It is an interesting take on a comedy because it does constant voiceovers of what the guys are thinking and not just what they're saying out loud. Yesterday's episode was that one of the guys - Mark, was paying all the rent and all the bills and buying all the food, even though Jeremy lived there, too. Naturally, Mark was fed up that Jeremy wasn't helping, so...