It's 7:35pm here and I'm so incredibly anxious.
Because I know tomorrow is coming.
Tomorrow, (God willing) the sun will come up and as it does, I need to be outside by the bus stop, making my way into work.
The logical FACTS are these:
- No one is going to kill me
- No one at work is going to try to physically hurt me
- I won't come away bruised and scarred from work
- I will be on reception which is slightly easier than the Ministerial post I do every other week - so that should be fine.
- Joy is away...so the office environment should be a little easier to deal with. Especially because it means Stacee and Nicola are filling other roles, will be very busy and won't have time to be around me.
But this is what's going on in my head and heart right now - I'm afraid.
I'm scared to leave the comfort of mine and Alun's little home.
I'm scared of the noises of the busy street outside.
I'm scared the sky will literally fall in on me - or that my head will literally cave in - that my skull will collapse and my brain will melt and I WILL DIE from the stress and unhappiness I experience at work.
I'm also - ironically - scared of getting to the reception desk and seeing a cardboard box there with my name written on it in hasty, black pen - then Tim coming in and pointing to it "Pack up your things, Janet"
Which makes me so angry at myself because that would actually mean I get what I've desired since I started this job - freedom from it.
But I want to leave on my terms. I don't want to get fired. I don't want the SHAME associated to every time I've ever been fired in the past. It hurts too much. I don't have the strength for it. It will break me.
I'm so broken already that I don't think I can take another powerful jolt like being fired.
I'm also scared because with Joy being away and Stacee - who I normally work with as we 'job share' (by the way I HATE JOB SHARING) the reception and admin roles - is doing a different role...I'm scared of who I'll be paired with. Will it be a temp? A young person? An old person? Will they hate me, too? Or will they be nice? Will they not be easy to work with? Will they be confrontational and bitter...or not?
Not knowing what to expect - puts me on edge.
I'm frightened. I'm really, really frightened.
Because I know tomorrow is coming.
Tomorrow, (God willing) the sun will come up and as it does, I need to be outside by the bus stop, making my way into work.
The logical FACTS are these:
- No one is going to kill me
- No one at work is going to try to physically hurt me
- I won't come away bruised and scarred from work
- I will be on reception which is slightly easier than the Ministerial post I do every other week - so that should be fine.
- Joy is away...so the office environment should be a little easier to deal with. Especially because it means Stacee and Nicola are filling other roles, will be very busy and won't have time to be around me.
But this is what's going on in my head and heart right now - I'm afraid.
I'm scared to leave the comfort of mine and Alun's little home.
I'm scared of the noises of the busy street outside.
I'm scared the sky will literally fall in on me - or that my head will literally cave in - that my skull will collapse and my brain will melt and I WILL DIE from the stress and unhappiness I experience at work.
I'm also - ironically - scared of getting to the reception desk and seeing a cardboard box there with my name written on it in hasty, black pen - then Tim coming in and pointing to it "Pack up your things, Janet"
Which makes me so angry at myself because that would actually mean I get what I've desired since I started this job - freedom from it.
But I want to leave on my terms. I don't want to get fired. I don't want the SHAME associated to every time I've ever been fired in the past. It hurts too much. I don't have the strength for it. It will break me.
I'm so broken already that I don't think I can take another powerful jolt like being fired.
I'm also scared because with Joy being away and Stacee - who I normally work with as we 'job share' (by the way I HATE JOB SHARING) the reception and admin roles - is doing a different role...I'm scared of who I'll be paired with. Will it be a temp? A young person? An old person? Will they hate me, too? Or will they be nice? Will they not be easy to work with? Will they be confrontational and bitter...or not?
Not knowing what to expect - puts me on edge.
I'm frightened. I'm really, really frightened.
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