Yep.
The 11 kilos I worked SO DAMN HARD to lose - are back on.
It was so easy putting them back on. It took a matter of weeks. It took almost a year to lose them!!!
WHAT AM I DOING?!?
I see myself in mirrors or window reflections and it makes me sad.
Why are you fat again, JD? Why?
I'll tell you why. Because I'm addicted to sugar. I love it. I think about it all day. I plan my entire day around eating "first I'll have...then work...then I'll eat..." and so on.
When I'm losing weight and looking right, my mentality changes and I start planning my day around outfits instead of food. "I will save up for those jeans/that dress" and I start thinking about what colours/fabrics/accessories go with my dark skin and what belts and scarves I can wear with outfits. That's when I know I'm on a winning streak.
I know I'm on a losing streak right now and in a bad place food-wise (and weight-wise) because I'm struggling to do the "reach around" when I'm on the loo to wipe my bottom. Yeah. I said it. You know you're in dire straights when you can't wipe your bum. Let me tell you. It is NOT GOOD.
I have to change.
Anyway! Onto other news:
I will have to find a way to plug my phone into my laptop at home so I can upload pictures of Miri, Borneo and show you how lovely it was out there. Alun and I flew out to spend time with Al's friend Dan and his wife Danielle. They are both really lovely. Dan is as wild, child-like and boisterous as Alun. I can see why they're friends. Danielle is wise, patient, gentle and sweet and was someone I was able to make friends with easily. Even now, we message each other on facebook pretty much every day. I'm excited and blessed to have a new friend. It was scary being in a new place but Alun's excitement was catching and we stayed in a really lovely hotel so it ended up being a great week. I struggled on the jungle hikes as I'm really unfit. I struggled a lot. I vow to be fitter for our next holiday. It would be great to keep up with Alun and not have to be so out of breath next time.
Things at work are ticking along steadily. I always have new things to do and each day is different from the next. I'm learning that I'm pretty good at being a Facilities manager. I like making things work well. I like creating and maintaining a happy workplace for others. I think I will apply for facilities management jobs in the future rather than just reception. I think I'm good at this and I really enjoy it. I don't know how long I'll actually be in the role I'm in for this mining and construction company - but I know I have loved every day here. Considering I was placed here "for just a month or so" and have passed the 6-month line...I guess it looks hopeful that I'll be here a while longer. I'm so thankful to have a job I like going to, with great people to work with an a boss who is super busy and often "off site" so that I'm left to my own devices and don't have to report to anyone. This is brilliant :)
I'm getting better at travelling home through the city, too. I still get scared. The anxiety is there but it doesn't overwhelm me anymore. I don't get the itchiness or the heat all over my body. I still get sweaty, but just less so. It's more manageable now and I'm so grateful about it. I don't find it easy or natural getting home - not like I used to - it's still a battle...but it's a battle I'm winning day by day and I'm really proud of that.
What's worrying me lately is my dreams. I dream of my family every night. Mostly about Jay. My dreams are horrible. We're always shouting/screaming at each other. I'm always anxious and upset when I wake up but I keep having them. Last night, I dreamed I had to go to the loo and while I was in there, Jay opened the door, left it open - and encouraged everyone to look at me and laugh at me. It was awful. I felt...ashamed. Exposed. Vulnerable. I screamed at him "I hate you! I hate you so much!" but he just shrugged. He didn't care.
I've never thought I hated Jay before.
Is this some deep-down thing I've tried to hide from myself and it's actually there?
This is my brother. I don't want to hate him. Surely I don't. Not really.
The heat of the hatred I felt was so real, though. It was frightening.
I wonder what this means? Am I hateful, bitter person and just pretending I'm not?
The 11 kilos I worked SO DAMN HARD to lose - are back on.
It was so easy putting them back on. It took a matter of weeks. It took almost a year to lose them!!!
WHAT AM I DOING?!?
I see myself in mirrors or window reflections and it makes me sad.
Why are you fat again, JD? Why?
I'll tell you why. Because I'm addicted to sugar. I love it. I think about it all day. I plan my entire day around eating "first I'll have...then work...then I'll eat..." and so on.
When I'm losing weight and looking right, my mentality changes and I start planning my day around outfits instead of food. "I will save up for those jeans/that dress" and I start thinking about what colours/fabrics/accessories go with my dark skin and what belts and scarves I can wear with outfits. That's when I know I'm on a winning streak.
I know I'm on a losing streak right now and in a bad place food-wise (and weight-wise) because I'm struggling to do the "reach around" when I'm on the loo to wipe my bottom. Yeah. I said it. You know you're in dire straights when you can't wipe your bum. Let me tell you. It is NOT GOOD.
I have to change.
Anyway! Onto other news:
I will have to find a way to plug my phone into my laptop at home so I can upload pictures of Miri, Borneo and show you how lovely it was out there. Alun and I flew out to spend time with Al's friend Dan and his wife Danielle. They are both really lovely. Dan is as wild, child-like and boisterous as Alun. I can see why they're friends. Danielle is wise, patient, gentle and sweet and was someone I was able to make friends with easily. Even now, we message each other on facebook pretty much every day. I'm excited and blessed to have a new friend. It was scary being in a new place but Alun's excitement was catching and we stayed in a really lovely hotel so it ended up being a great week. I struggled on the jungle hikes as I'm really unfit. I struggled a lot. I vow to be fitter for our next holiday. It would be great to keep up with Alun and not have to be so out of breath next time.
Things at work are ticking along steadily. I always have new things to do and each day is different from the next. I'm learning that I'm pretty good at being a Facilities manager. I like making things work well. I like creating and maintaining a happy workplace for others. I think I will apply for facilities management jobs in the future rather than just reception. I think I'm good at this and I really enjoy it. I don't know how long I'll actually be in the role I'm in for this mining and construction company - but I know I have loved every day here. Considering I was placed here "for just a month or so" and have passed the 6-month line...I guess it looks hopeful that I'll be here a while longer. I'm so thankful to have a job I like going to, with great people to work with an a boss who is super busy and often "off site" so that I'm left to my own devices and don't have to report to anyone. This is brilliant :)
I'm getting better at travelling home through the city, too. I still get scared. The anxiety is there but it doesn't overwhelm me anymore. I don't get the itchiness or the heat all over my body. I still get sweaty, but just less so. It's more manageable now and I'm so grateful about it. I don't find it easy or natural getting home - not like I used to - it's still a battle...but it's a battle I'm winning day by day and I'm really proud of that.
What's worrying me lately is my dreams. I dream of my family every night. Mostly about Jay. My dreams are horrible. We're always shouting/screaming at each other. I'm always anxious and upset when I wake up but I keep having them. Last night, I dreamed I had to go to the loo and while I was in there, Jay opened the door, left it open - and encouraged everyone to look at me and laugh at me. It was awful. I felt...ashamed. Exposed. Vulnerable. I screamed at him "I hate you! I hate you so much!" but he just shrugged. He didn't care.
I've never thought I hated Jay before.
Is this some deep-down thing I've tried to hide from myself and it's actually there?
This is my brother. I don't want to hate him. Surely I don't. Not really.
The heat of the hatred I felt was so real, though. It was frightening.
I wonder what this means? Am I hateful, bitter person and just pretending I'm not?
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