Alun has been deeply unhappy leading up to Christmas. He always is.
This year though, it's been a lot harder as I lost my job and my confidence - and Alun started taking his grief over the loss of his best friend and turning it into a torrent of anger towards me. He doesn't act like this normally, and it's been hard being called "dickhead" and "knob head/knob chops" by an angry and awful version of the person I love most in the world.
Alun doesn't normally take his sadness out on me and I am normally in a stronger/happier state so I can take whatever he dishes out with grace, kindness, patience and love.
Not this year.
It's all been too much these last few months.
I've dealt with 3 months of bullying from "Tina" in the job I thought I loved. When someone bullies you, your entire job becomes a battlefield and I started to dread going into work. The things Tina said to me and the way she treated me was pretty awful but what got me the most was the way her boss "Bob" covered for her. He just wanted to bury my grievance letter on her bullying. He tried so hard to shut me up and he became a bully too - only 100 times worse that "Tina". He was a lot more cunning with it and where Tina shot at me with a bow and arrow, Bob used a machine gun. He annihilated me and made sure that when the smoke finally cleared, there was nothing left of my dignity.
He also did it quietly. Carefully. No witnesses to the constant attack he put me under. And when I confronted him about it, he denied it and gas-lighted me so that I thought I was going mad.
So.
I was dealing with a hostile, toxic work environment in the day and an unhappy, stressed out, mouthy and rude husband in the night.
It wore me down, you guys. It took all my hope and happiness and crushed it into a fine sand. When the wind blew, I could also feel it dispersing anything good I had left in me and leaving an empty, hollow shell.
Christmas eve is where it all kicked off.
I love Christmas. It's my favourite holiday of the year and I was excited because it was the first Christmas in 6 years where Alun wouldn't be working at the hospital. Hooray! I was so giddy, thinking we could spend the day together, just he and I. How wonderful!
I got called into an 'emergency cover' for a reception position with a very fancy Government Law Department in the city on Christmas eve, so in I went! I worked a long, hard day meeting new people and trying to wrap my head around their processes and ways of operation so when I got home, I just wanted to rest. Earlier that morning, I had tried to clean my ears but had actually pushed a big blob of ear wax deeper into my ear hole and had spent the day feeling dizzy (You don't realise how much you need both ears to work until one DOESN'T and you find yourself literally off balance) and sick. I'd lost ALL hearing in my right ear. It felt awful.
I got home and all I wanted to do was be with Alun.
Except, he'd had a rough day too and all he wanted was time alone.
I wanted to cuddle him, tell him about my day, show him my ear (I don't know - I guess because Alun is a Nurse, I think he can fix anything medically wrong with me) and together, we would watch Christmas movies, eat popcorn and spend quality time. Alun kept moving away from me, walking away as I was talking, rolling his eyes or just saying "shh" when I wanted to tell him about my day.
In all fairness, I should have left him alone but I really wanted to be close to him. I'm a toucher, God bless me. I wanted to just hold him.
Alun got annoyed. By the time I'd gotten home, he'd had quite a few pints and when he got annoyed with me, his drinking increased dramatically.
When Alun drinks, 90% of the time, his alter ego "Virgil" comes alive and he runs around the house giggling and causing mischief. "Virgil" is hilarious and reminds me of what Alun would have been like as a little boy. He's usually a lot of fun so I don't mind Alun 'going on a bender' because it usually ends up with both of us laughing our heads off, on some kind of crazy adventure.
10% of the time, though - very, very rarely - drinking causes Alun to become a surly, miserable, sarcastic and incredibly hurtful version of himself.
That 10% is what came out on Christmas eve.
Alun told me he was having a horrible time and that the only thing good about Christmas was an awful song he likes where the singers hate each other and call each other "sluts" and "faggots". I told Alun that he's not alone, he is loved and I am with him for Christmas.
He said he didn't care about that.
That was the straw that broke this camel's back, you guys.
Alun saying he didn't care that I was with him broke my heart.
I was sick with an infected ear, tired from a long day in a new job and now I was heart broken. In tears, I asked Alun to just come and sit with me. I thought we'd hug, hit 're start' and try again. By now it was about 10pm at night and we'd been arguing for a few hours with Alun furiously downing bottle after bottle of beer.
Alun refused. I can't remember what he said but I know it hurt me deeply.
I went to bed, opened my set of bedside cabinets and took an entire sheet of full panadols.
I honestly wanted to die and that's what I tried to achieve.
I don't remember much more after that.
I remember Alun poking me in the shoulder with a spatula the next morning sometime.
"Hey Gorg" he smiled down at me "I made you pancakes"
I bet he doesn't remember the hell he put me through last night.
"I hate you" I mumbled.
I saw the hurt on Alun's face and he left and didn't come back.
I've never said anything like that to Alun. Not ever.
I spent most of the day in darkness in our room, alternating between crying quietly and letting hot, fat tears roll down my face or passed out.
WORST. CHRISTMAS. EVER.
At around 3pm, Alun tried again to get me out of bed.
"Come and have some lunch"
He was really upset and really angry. Now he was drunk again.
I took a photo of the table because Alun had set it out beautifully. We hadn't opened gifts and we were both really struggling. On Facebook though, our lives looked pretty perfect. A table laden with a roast chicken dinner and gifts.
If only life was actually that wonderful.
We sat at the table across from each other and frowned at each other. We didn't talk.
I tried a mouthful of food and my stomach lurched because it was full of painkillers. My kidneys and liver were under attack and I just wanted to vomit.
Without meaning to, I heard myself say to Alun "I took a packet of panadols last night. I should be dead, really. I wish I was because today sucks ass. Congratulations Alun. Now we BOTH hate Christmas"
I swallowed my mouthful of food. It felt like trying to eat a brick.
Inside, I was aghast.
What had I said?!? Why did I say that?
Alun put down his knife and fork. He didn't say anything.
Then he did something really lovely. Something I really needed. He got up, walked around the table to my side and sat with me.
Alun took my hand.
"Gorg"
I shrugged. I felt so sick and was sure I was slowly dying. Tears rolled down my face.
Alun started crying too. "We don't talk to each other the way we have lately. You said you hated me"
I didn't mean that. I love you more than anyone in the whole world. You have no idea.
And yet, the words wouldn't come.
"Please" Alun said.
Please what, though?
I was angry and hurting so I lashed out at him. I don't remember what I said but I made Alun cry more and he walked away.
And that was Christmas.
I really do wish I was dead.
This year though, it's been a lot harder as I lost my job and my confidence - and Alun started taking his grief over the loss of his best friend and turning it into a torrent of anger towards me. He doesn't act like this normally, and it's been hard being called "dickhead" and "knob head/knob chops" by an angry and awful version of the person I love most in the world.
Alun doesn't normally take his sadness out on me and I am normally in a stronger/happier state so I can take whatever he dishes out with grace, kindness, patience and love.
Not this year.
It's all been too much these last few months.
I've dealt with 3 months of bullying from "Tina" in the job I thought I loved. When someone bullies you, your entire job becomes a battlefield and I started to dread going into work. The things Tina said to me and the way she treated me was pretty awful but what got me the most was the way her boss "Bob" covered for her. He just wanted to bury my grievance letter on her bullying. He tried so hard to shut me up and he became a bully too - only 100 times worse that "Tina". He was a lot more cunning with it and where Tina shot at me with a bow and arrow, Bob used a machine gun. He annihilated me and made sure that when the smoke finally cleared, there was nothing left of my dignity.
He also did it quietly. Carefully. No witnesses to the constant attack he put me under. And when I confronted him about it, he denied it and gas-lighted me so that I thought I was going mad.
So.
I was dealing with a hostile, toxic work environment in the day and an unhappy, stressed out, mouthy and rude husband in the night.
It wore me down, you guys. It took all my hope and happiness and crushed it into a fine sand. When the wind blew, I could also feel it dispersing anything good I had left in me and leaving an empty, hollow shell.
Christmas eve is where it all kicked off.
I love Christmas. It's my favourite holiday of the year and I was excited because it was the first Christmas in 6 years where Alun wouldn't be working at the hospital. Hooray! I was so giddy, thinking we could spend the day together, just he and I. How wonderful!
I got called into an 'emergency cover' for a reception position with a very fancy Government Law Department in the city on Christmas eve, so in I went! I worked a long, hard day meeting new people and trying to wrap my head around their processes and ways of operation so when I got home, I just wanted to rest. Earlier that morning, I had tried to clean my ears but had actually pushed a big blob of ear wax deeper into my ear hole and had spent the day feeling dizzy (You don't realise how much you need both ears to work until one DOESN'T and you find yourself literally off balance) and sick. I'd lost ALL hearing in my right ear. It felt awful.
I got home and all I wanted to do was be with Alun.
Except, he'd had a rough day too and all he wanted was time alone.
I wanted to cuddle him, tell him about my day, show him my ear (I don't know - I guess because Alun is a Nurse, I think he can fix anything medically wrong with me) and together, we would watch Christmas movies, eat popcorn and spend quality time. Alun kept moving away from me, walking away as I was talking, rolling his eyes or just saying "shh" when I wanted to tell him about my day.
In all fairness, I should have left him alone but I really wanted to be close to him. I'm a toucher, God bless me. I wanted to just hold him.
Alun got annoyed. By the time I'd gotten home, he'd had quite a few pints and when he got annoyed with me, his drinking increased dramatically.
When Alun drinks, 90% of the time, his alter ego "Virgil" comes alive and he runs around the house giggling and causing mischief. "Virgil" is hilarious and reminds me of what Alun would have been like as a little boy. He's usually a lot of fun so I don't mind Alun 'going on a bender' because it usually ends up with both of us laughing our heads off, on some kind of crazy adventure.
10% of the time, though - very, very rarely - drinking causes Alun to become a surly, miserable, sarcastic and incredibly hurtful version of himself.
That 10% is what came out on Christmas eve.
Alun told me he was having a horrible time and that the only thing good about Christmas was an awful song he likes where the singers hate each other and call each other "sluts" and "faggots". I told Alun that he's not alone, he is loved and I am with him for Christmas.
He said he didn't care about that.
That was the straw that broke this camel's back, you guys.
Alun saying he didn't care that I was with him broke my heart.
I was sick with an infected ear, tired from a long day in a new job and now I was heart broken. In tears, I asked Alun to just come and sit with me. I thought we'd hug, hit 're start' and try again. By now it was about 10pm at night and we'd been arguing for a few hours with Alun furiously downing bottle after bottle of beer.
Alun refused. I can't remember what he said but I know it hurt me deeply.
I went to bed, opened my set of bedside cabinets and took an entire sheet of full panadols.
I honestly wanted to die and that's what I tried to achieve.
I don't remember much more after that.
I remember Alun poking me in the shoulder with a spatula the next morning sometime.
"Hey Gorg" he smiled down at me "I made you pancakes"
I bet he doesn't remember the hell he put me through last night.
"I hate you" I mumbled.
I saw the hurt on Alun's face and he left and didn't come back.
I've never said anything like that to Alun. Not ever.
I spent most of the day in darkness in our room, alternating between crying quietly and letting hot, fat tears roll down my face or passed out.
WORST. CHRISTMAS. EVER.
At around 3pm, Alun tried again to get me out of bed.
"Come and have some lunch"
He was really upset and really angry. Now he was drunk again.
I took a photo of the table because Alun had set it out beautifully. We hadn't opened gifts and we were both really struggling. On Facebook though, our lives looked pretty perfect. A table laden with a roast chicken dinner and gifts.
If only life was actually that wonderful.
We sat at the table across from each other and frowned at each other. We didn't talk.
I tried a mouthful of food and my stomach lurched because it was full of painkillers. My kidneys and liver were under attack and I just wanted to vomit.
Without meaning to, I heard myself say to Alun "I took a packet of panadols last night. I should be dead, really. I wish I was because today sucks ass. Congratulations Alun. Now we BOTH hate Christmas"
I swallowed my mouthful of food. It felt like trying to eat a brick.
Inside, I was aghast.
What had I said?!? Why did I say that?
Alun put down his knife and fork. He didn't say anything.
Then he did something really lovely. Something I really needed. He got up, walked around the table to my side and sat with me.
Alun took my hand.
"Gorg"
I shrugged. I felt so sick and was sure I was slowly dying. Tears rolled down my face.
Alun started crying too. "We don't talk to each other the way we have lately. You said you hated me"
I didn't mean that. I love you more than anyone in the whole world. You have no idea.
And yet, the words wouldn't come.
"Please" Alun said.
Please what, though?
I was angry and hurting so I lashed out at him. I don't remember what I said but I made Alun cry more and he walked away.
And that was Christmas.
I really do wish I was dead.
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