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Barely there

I'm hanging onto life with my very fingertips.

I feel like my life is the edge of a cliff and the sea is 100 meters below me...and I'm hanging on with my very fingertips, trying not to let go. I'm looking down at the waves crashing below and it's tempting to just let go.

My arms are so tired, guys.

It's easier to just give up.

I tried to fight it for a long, long time...since last August so almost a year ago...and I can't anymore.

I can't.

This depression is going to end me, you guys.

Here's what I'm doing to try to fight it:

I get up out of bed every day. This is extremely hard.

I set myself ONE task every day. Today it was to do the weeding. I only did 20-35 minutes of it but at least I did something.

Today I showered. For someone with depression, that's a pretty big deal. It took everything I had.

I take my anti-depressants every day.

I was going on a walk every day - 30 minutes - but I'm struggling now to leave the house. I'm struggling just to get up, I'll work on leaving the house tomorrow.

I try to feed myself a good meal once a day. I struggle to eat it. That's probably the ONE good thing in this dark hell that I'm experiencing right now, I've FINALLY lost my appetite.

I'm seeking out help. I have a psych appointment with a NEW psych (4th attempt. God help me) tomorrow in Northbridge at 1:30pm.

I've tried getting into a Private Hospital Psych ward. They're all full or I don't meet the criteria because they have their own psychs who have 'rooms' in the hospitals for their own patients and those psychs aren't taking on new patients and won't be for another 6-9 months...maybe more because Covid19 has dramatically changed how the Medical system works for everyone nowadays. Especially for people trying to help and support for Mental Health.

On Tuesday (I paid for this and arranged this weeks ago) I'm getting my hair re-straightened as it's too hard to care for myself. If I can relieve myself of ONE job (trying to deal with my afro on the daily) then it's worth it.

Most of all, I'm keeping myself alive. You have NO IDEA how hard this is for me.

It's just so much easier to let go.

But I'm here.

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