God makes beauty from ashes

I need to be in a wooden box for you to know how deeply I am hurting, don't I? I need to be lowered into the ground for those I love to think "Shit - she was really suffering". She really WAS unwell. Oh. My life right now is like this - I work in metaphors a lot so I hope you'll work along with them too - and meet me where I'm at: I'm crawling along the sharp edge of a knife on my hands and knees. That's my life. Every inch forward is soooooooo incredibly painful. IT HURTS LIKE A COMPLETE BASTARD TO MOVE FORWARD. You have no idea. The minute consciousness hits me every morning - I'm BOMBARDED by STRONG URGES TO END MY LIFE. My mind - my heart - my soul - are all incredibly skilled at recalling every FUCK UP I have ever done. Every. single. one. They play through my mind and run through my veins from the second I am awake to the second I am asleep. I think this is why deeply depressed people like to sleep so much - it's a much ne...

Okay. I ranted and raved and DAMN it felt a little better to get things off my chest. I'm still shaking because I'm so upset from my call with my Mom. I tried ringing a friend to get some help but he was much the same as my Mom "What she means is - it is important to go out and smell the roses, ok?" So he doesn't get it either. When I bring my broken heart to you and you disregard it with a casual "smell the roses" saying...it makes me break all the more. It makes me retreat. Back RIGHT away and just want to kill myself. I want to die JUST SO YOU KNOW I WAS FUCKING SERIOUS when I said I was unwell. And that's the worst part of depression. No one takes you seriously until they're putting you into the ground. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!? I've ranted, raved, shouted, screamed and cried so much. I'm still crying now as I write over the intense heartbreak of calling a friend who bless him - just didn't understand. ...

I bought a set of new PJs today. Dark blue pants with a sort of "Indian" (and I don't mean that in a racist way - I really love the look of it and that's why I bought them) pattern of loops and flowers all threaded together by pink, purple and navy blue. They were on special for only $14. Winning. I got home after being DRENCHED outside - the rain is coming down in such thick sheets of fat raindrops that it's hard to see even a few inches in front. I fell over crossing the road and pretty much face-planted in the Galleria car park. It could've been so much, worse though...I only fell onto my knees and dropped my groceries...but nothing broke loose of my shopping bags and a few grazes on my knees is a lot better than having smashed my face in or something. So anyway, I got home, unpacked the shopping, showered and put my pjs on. Size small, everyone. SIZE "SMALL". Yes. Okay, they're a slight bit too tight but because of the sale - it was...

Hey, It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while - but I went back to work. Praise God, Alun and all of you who love me and encourage me - got me through the first few hours and from then, I just took things as my friend Christabel and I have labelled "minute to minute" - literally ONE MINUTE I will try to get through life...then the next one. That's my life right now - painful 60-second slots. But (praise God?), I'm still here. I'm still trying. One of the things that pushed me over the edge last Sunday - the day of "The incident"...was that I felt I couldn't trust my psych "George" any more. To work so closely with someone for so long (over 2 years now)...means that the 2 of you build up a relationship. It may be a working one - or in our case - a "therapeutical" relationship - but even so, you can't help but naturally build a bond. When George was in a really bad mood and took it out on me that Tuesd...

I want to write about this because it's been bothering me for a long time now... If you haven't ever had depression or anxiety and you want to help someone dear to you who is suffering from it - then this post is written specifically for you. Depression and Anxiety have different levels - and in my experience (it might be completely different for someone else), these are the best ways to deal with them; the best ways to support and get alongside the person who you love who's going through 'a valley' of sadness and/or depression. Level 1 - Slightly unhappy. At this level, a person has had a few sleepless nights, maybe a tough time at work/in their personal life of late and is starting to feel a little unhappy. THIS is the level where these types of responses are appropriate: "Think positive thoughts, you'll get through this" "Maybe exercise more in the next few days and get those endorphins going" "Don't let the others/t...

It's 7:35pm here and I'm so incredibly anxious. Because I know tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow, (God willing) the sun will come up and as it does, I need to be outside by the bus stop, making my way into work. The logical FACTS are these: - No one is going to kill me - No one at work is going to try to physically hurt me - I won't come away bruised and scarred from work - I will be on reception which is slightly easier than the Ministerial post I do every other week - so that should be fine. - Joy is away...so the office environment should be a little easier to deal with. Especially because it means Stacee and Nicola are filling other roles, will be very busy and won't have time to be around me. But this is what's going on in my head and heart right now - I'm afraid. I'm scared to leave the comfort of mine and Alun's little home. I'm scared of the noises of the busy street outside. I'm scared the sky will literally fall in on me ...

Yesterday, Alun came into the bathroom waving a pink envelope happily. "I assume this is for you" he said, smiling - handing it to me. Along with the pink envelope were 2 roses - one yellow and one cream. The roses were small with delicate petals. They were beautiful and smelled heavenly. The roses didn't have long stems - it was mainly just the buds - as if someone had carefully plucked them from their front garden. There is something very special about home-grown roses. They smell so much better than store-bought roses and the petals are softer and silkier. I love them :) Something else I love - is stationery. And man, I don't know what it is about letters in particular...but they mean the world to me. I love letters. So much! I love writing them and OMG I love receiving them. But with my depression and anxiety at an all time high - I was instantly wary. "This might be from Kira - she might be having a go at me" Alun frowned "Oh yeah - ...