Yeah I can tell Im getting better because even though things are tough right now and Im sad and a bit fed up and weary...I still have hope :)
I cant help it, it's who I am.
I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me.
I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although I have the very RARE moments of clarity and think I know who I am (finally) and where I want to be heading...those moments always seem to come upon me when Im alone, tired and the world is asleep...so I cant DO anything about the new ideas...then I fall asleep too and the new day dawns and I lose my mind *giggles* and go about being a tool again.
I know I've blogged alot about boys just lately but I dont want you to think that's all that's going on in my life. I am hanging with my family ALOT, seeing my mates (OMG Caris is becoming such a great friend of mine, Im so blessed to get all this extra time with her), doing ME and going on adventures (alone, okay Sandy?) and just figuring out "life" in my own terms and in my own crazy way.
I dont base my value on boys or how they see me and im not 'sleeping around' to gain approval or prove something to myself. Right now, the simplist explanation is the best. Its new to me. Its exciting and fun and Im going to say "yes" to alot of things without thinking about "tomorrow" because I dont want to. Nuff said.
I spent the last few months being "16 again"...while this body and this 'mind' can get away with it. I am going to come to a point one day where I think "huh. that was fun...what next?" and blog obsessively about cooking or learning the bass or looking for a house or getting my license (watch this space!) but for right now, Im enjoying the guys in my life and just going with it and seeing where it takes me.
Patrick is very special and someone who keeps me on my toes. Gary makes me laugh, Alun makes me feel like someone could see me as more than "just a girl they know" and Im happy with that right now. I walk down the street and get whistled at, winked at, smiled at, waved at and you know what? As shallow as it is, it feels GOOD. I like it. I want more of it. Yeah, within reason, but yeah...definitely like this alot.
I know I want to get back to the gym. I know I want to find things to do that only I can do - on my OWN and Im looking forward to it. I actually love time with just ME and tonight is a great example of that. I got offered dates like crazy but turned them ALL down to stay in tonight with a good curry and a good selection of dvds which im going to watch after I finish this blog.
Margie at work is trying to 'help' me and at first it was really fun but now its getting a bit possessive and scary so I'll have to nip that one in the bud. Bless her, she's an awesome person and I think her heart's in the right place but yeah...I will have to watch this 'councselling' of hers and make sure it stays friendly and doesnt get too out of hand. Anyway, one thing she asked me to do was think of 10 things I liked about myself and 5 things I hated. Naturally I wished she had asked for them the other way around *grins* but yeah, I sat down with a piece of paper and a blue pen and scrolled out whatever came to mind. No great 'thought' went into it, more working on instinct.
Now that im home with a tummy full of curry and an hour to myself before Mom comes home, I can REALLY do the 'homework' Margie set for me.
10 Things I like about myself (in no particular order)
1) I love with abandon. Wholeheartedly. Taking risks and risking it all with every fibre of my being for the person I love. I also include my love of God, Jesus and the HS in this. I really love them. I really do.
2) I genuinely seek to make someone I care about smile. I genuinely want to do everything I can to look after them, stand with them, be there for them and share my life with them. Its not so I can 'get' something from it...I genuinely want to love/care for the ppl in my life. When I text you "im thinking of you" its because I AM and when I say "Im praying for you" Its because I have been and will CONTINUE to do so. I mean it when I say "Im here for you" or "I love you" or "thank you". When I call you my "bestie" its because out of my millions of aquaintances and mates and friends and best friends...YOU are my favourite. Truly.
3) I am 33 but actually, Im only around 8 years old. I like that about myself. I like that whenever im on a plane and we pass through clouds, I still look for the odd care bear or angel. I like that butterflies look amazing and I always want to catch them in a jar and keep them. I like that a really good children's book can hold my attention more than an adult documentary. I am child-like and that's awesome. I like that I love giggling at things, I still like colouring in, I think a good cupcake can solve ANYTHING. I like that every Christmas Eve, no matter how OLD I get, I still get excited and listen out for reindeer hoofs on the roof. Whenever I see a rainbow...if there's time...I'll follow it to see if there really IS a pot of gold at it's end. Every time. Without fail.
4) I like that I forgive. I have mercy and will use it flippantly if needed.
5) I try hard to make myself a better person. I cant help but reach for the stars. I cant stop going forward and wanting to do more and more in my life. I've always been like that.
6) Im determined :)
7) Im a woman of strength and integrity
8) I believe in 2nd chances and give them as much as I ask to receive them
9) No matter how bad things get...I cant help but see the silver lining. I know I think the glass is half empty at the best of times...but I always see the GLASS itself as being pretty cool. That's gotta count for something, right?
10) I daydream. ALOT. The more I hurt, the more elaborate and insane my daydreams...but they get me through. A daydream will take me from disgrace to dilerious...especially at times of extreme pain.
Okay *takes deep breaths* these are the 5 (God, I could think of 100's of things!) things I truly DONT LIKE about myself:
1) I cant believe how inherantly selfish I am. If someone comes up to me and I just KNOW they're going to ask for money, I pull my handbag closer to me and my instant response is to think "go away. you cant have any". In any given situation, I will look out for MYSELF. FIRST. I hate that about myself so much sometimes it makes me wretch. To hear my 'inner voice' say "what about ME? what do I get from this?" I think of how it will affect ME before I make ANY decision, answer ANY question, accept ANY invitation/proposal...its disgusting.
2) I lie. Not often but when I do it, I do it big. I'm an idiot. I hate myself when I do it.
3) I'm scared that somewhere in the world...someone wont like me. So I do stupid (and generally very bloody expensive) things to get everyone's approval when deep inside myself, I would LOVE to be able to say "you know what, f**k it. I dont care what you think"...but I never do. Instead I grovel and kiss ass. I dont even know why anymore.
4) I exaggerate sometimes. Somewhere inside me, I want so much for you to be 'impressed' that I make stuff seem bigger/harder/cooler than it actually is. I wish I could just tell the truth more without adding to it. I hate that I do.
5) I hate the way I look. From my horrible matted disgusting afro hair to my very ugly sausage toes...I HATE HOW I LOOK. Thats the God's honest truth of it. I think when I lose weight again it will help me not feel so SICK when I see myself in the mirror or in photos...but yeah...I feel like when God made me, I was the first 'picture' he wanted to scrunch up and put in his wastepaper basket.
And there you have it :) Naked Janet.
(well, naked on the inside, anyway)
I guess number 5 also accounts for why Im enjoying guys so much in my life right now. Its been odd but the things they comment on the most about me when they're hitting on me are my eyes, my smile/lips and my skin (more how it's soft and smooth rather than the colour)...and they're 3 things that stay the same no matter how much weight I have/dont have. I look in the mirror when Ive made an effort and have makeup on and my hair is shiny and straight...and I look at my eyes and lips and from the compliments that have been raining down on me in the last few months, I am starting to 'see' that these guys might be right.
Maybe God didnt do such a crap job on me after all? Seems he got my eyes and lips right :)
So yeah...tonight I guess Im feeling pretty hopeful. Things with Gary are going well, we've been texting like best friends all day today. Alun's very taken with me. I havent heard from Patrick AT ALL but you know what? Im actually not going to sweat it.
I DID make a mistake and texted Patrick's cat. I thought at the time it was dead cute and that he'd be bowled over by how fricken 'clever' i am but now that I have had some time to consider it, I have actually just added to the MANY reasons Patrick will want to back away from me.
I texted PATRICK'S CAT.
*rolls eyes and cant believe how STUPID she really is at times*
I stun MYSELF with how much of a complete retard I am. Honestly.
Right. Enough for tonight.
Im off to lay on the couch and wait for Mom to get home. I really love living with Mom you know.
Goodnight Bloggers. Goodnight "Sandy" xx
I cant help it, it's who I am.
I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me.
I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although I have the very RARE moments of clarity and think I know who I am (finally) and where I want to be heading...those moments always seem to come upon me when Im alone, tired and the world is asleep...so I cant DO anything about the new ideas...then I fall asleep too and the new day dawns and I lose my mind *giggles* and go about being a tool again.
I know I've blogged alot about boys just lately but I dont want you to think that's all that's going on in my life. I am hanging with my family ALOT, seeing my mates (OMG Caris is becoming such a great friend of mine, Im so blessed to get all this extra time with her), doing ME and going on adventures (alone, okay Sandy?) and just figuring out "life" in my own terms and in my own crazy way.
I dont base my value on boys or how they see me and im not 'sleeping around' to gain approval or prove something to myself. Right now, the simplist explanation is the best. Its new to me. Its exciting and fun and Im going to say "yes" to alot of things without thinking about "tomorrow" because I dont want to. Nuff said.
I spent the last few months being "16 again"...while this body and this 'mind' can get away with it. I am going to come to a point one day where I think "huh. that was fun...what next?" and blog obsessively about cooking or learning the bass or looking for a house or getting my license (watch this space!) but for right now, Im enjoying the guys in my life and just going with it and seeing where it takes me.
Patrick is very special and someone who keeps me on my toes. Gary makes me laugh, Alun makes me feel like someone could see me as more than "just a girl they know" and Im happy with that right now. I walk down the street and get whistled at, winked at, smiled at, waved at and you know what? As shallow as it is, it feels GOOD. I like it. I want more of it. Yeah, within reason, but yeah...definitely like this alot.
I know I want to get back to the gym. I know I want to find things to do that only I can do - on my OWN and Im looking forward to it. I actually love time with just ME and tonight is a great example of that. I got offered dates like crazy but turned them ALL down to stay in tonight with a good curry and a good selection of dvds which im going to watch after I finish this blog.
Margie at work is trying to 'help' me and at first it was really fun but now its getting a bit possessive and scary so I'll have to nip that one in the bud. Bless her, she's an awesome person and I think her heart's in the right place but yeah...I will have to watch this 'councselling' of hers and make sure it stays friendly and doesnt get too out of hand. Anyway, one thing she asked me to do was think of 10 things I liked about myself and 5 things I hated. Naturally I wished she had asked for them the other way around *grins* but yeah, I sat down with a piece of paper and a blue pen and scrolled out whatever came to mind. No great 'thought' went into it, more working on instinct.
Now that im home with a tummy full of curry and an hour to myself before Mom comes home, I can REALLY do the 'homework' Margie set for me.
10 Things I like about myself (in no particular order)
1) I love with abandon. Wholeheartedly. Taking risks and risking it all with every fibre of my being for the person I love. I also include my love of God, Jesus and the HS in this. I really love them. I really do.
2) I genuinely seek to make someone I care about smile. I genuinely want to do everything I can to look after them, stand with them, be there for them and share my life with them. Its not so I can 'get' something from it...I genuinely want to love/care for the ppl in my life. When I text you "im thinking of you" its because I AM and when I say "Im praying for you" Its because I have been and will CONTINUE to do so. I mean it when I say "Im here for you" or "I love you" or "thank you". When I call you my "bestie" its because out of my millions of aquaintances and mates and friends and best friends...YOU are my favourite. Truly.
3) I am 33 but actually, Im only around 8 years old. I like that about myself. I like that whenever im on a plane and we pass through clouds, I still look for the odd care bear or angel. I like that butterflies look amazing and I always want to catch them in a jar and keep them. I like that a really good children's book can hold my attention more than an adult documentary. I am child-like and that's awesome. I like that I love giggling at things, I still like colouring in, I think a good cupcake can solve ANYTHING. I like that every Christmas Eve, no matter how OLD I get, I still get excited and listen out for reindeer hoofs on the roof. Whenever I see a rainbow...if there's time...I'll follow it to see if there really IS a pot of gold at it's end. Every time. Without fail.
4) I like that I forgive. I have mercy and will use it flippantly if needed.
5) I try hard to make myself a better person. I cant help but reach for the stars. I cant stop going forward and wanting to do more and more in my life. I've always been like that.
6) Im determined :)
7) Im a woman of strength and integrity
8) I believe in 2nd chances and give them as much as I ask to receive them
9) No matter how bad things get...I cant help but see the silver lining. I know I think the glass is half empty at the best of times...but I always see the GLASS itself as being pretty cool. That's gotta count for something, right?
10) I daydream. ALOT. The more I hurt, the more elaborate and insane my daydreams...but they get me through. A daydream will take me from disgrace to dilerious...especially at times of extreme pain.
Okay *takes deep breaths* these are the 5 (God, I could think of 100's of things!) things I truly DONT LIKE about myself:
1) I cant believe how inherantly selfish I am. If someone comes up to me and I just KNOW they're going to ask for money, I pull my handbag closer to me and my instant response is to think "go away. you cant have any". In any given situation, I will look out for MYSELF. FIRST. I hate that about myself so much sometimes it makes me wretch. To hear my 'inner voice' say "what about ME? what do I get from this?" I think of how it will affect ME before I make ANY decision, answer ANY question, accept ANY invitation/proposal...its disgusting.
2) I lie. Not often but when I do it, I do it big. I'm an idiot. I hate myself when I do it.
3) I'm scared that somewhere in the world...someone wont like me. So I do stupid (and generally very bloody expensive) things to get everyone's approval when deep inside myself, I would LOVE to be able to say "you know what, f**k it. I dont care what you think"...but I never do. Instead I grovel and kiss ass. I dont even know why anymore.
4) I exaggerate sometimes. Somewhere inside me, I want so much for you to be 'impressed' that I make stuff seem bigger/harder/cooler than it actually is. I wish I could just tell the truth more without adding to it. I hate that I do.
5) I hate the way I look. From my horrible matted disgusting afro hair to my very ugly sausage toes...I HATE HOW I LOOK. Thats the God's honest truth of it. I think when I lose weight again it will help me not feel so SICK when I see myself in the mirror or in photos...but yeah...I feel like when God made me, I was the first 'picture' he wanted to scrunch up and put in his wastepaper basket.
And there you have it :) Naked Janet.
(well, naked on the inside, anyway)
I guess number 5 also accounts for why Im enjoying guys so much in my life right now. Its been odd but the things they comment on the most about me when they're hitting on me are my eyes, my smile/lips and my skin (more how it's soft and smooth rather than the colour)...and they're 3 things that stay the same no matter how much weight I have/dont have. I look in the mirror when Ive made an effort and have makeup on and my hair is shiny and straight...and I look at my eyes and lips and from the compliments that have been raining down on me in the last few months, I am starting to 'see' that these guys might be right.
Maybe God didnt do such a crap job on me after all? Seems he got my eyes and lips right :)
So yeah...tonight I guess Im feeling pretty hopeful. Things with Gary are going well, we've been texting like best friends all day today. Alun's very taken with me. I havent heard from Patrick AT ALL but you know what? Im actually not going to sweat it.
I DID make a mistake and texted Patrick's cat. I thought at the time it was dead cute and that he'd be bowled over by how fricken 'clever' i am but now that I have had some time to consider it, I have actually just added to the MANY reasons Patrick will want to back away from me.
I texted PATRICK'S CAT.
*rolls eyes and cant believe how STUPID she really is at times*
I stun MYSELF with how much of a complete retard I am. Honestly.
Right. Enough for tonight.
Im off to lay on the couch and wait for Mom to get home. I really love living with Mom you know.
Goodnight Bloggers. Goodnight "Sandy" xx
very good blog, congratulations
ReplyDeleteregard from Reus Catalonia
thank you
I texted Patrick's CAT. OH. MY. GOD.
ReplyDeleteThank you Te' la m' Maria-Reus for reading my blog and for your encouragement :) much appreciated xx
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about texting the cat (I never thought I'd see that in a sentence) - DJ's mother often sends messages to our cats and from hers, and we're still on speaking terms.
ReplyDelete...er... (thinking about it some more)...
...maybe don't text the cat anymore.
xo Lynelle
*reads Lynelle's last comment with a huge smile* BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA! Thanks dude. I might leave the cat alone for a bit now. Heard from Patrick this morning and he mentioned NOTHING about it so I guess we're just gonna ignore it. Phew!
ReplyDelete