God makes beauty from ashes

I had a great Christmas morning. Alun - who normally hates Christmas - was in a giddy. It was wonderful to see him so happy and even though I complained about it, it made me smile to hear Alun making songs up about Christmas. It was mostly Alun singing the word "presents" over and over again in different keys while he ran around the house giggling. Bless him. We gave each other great presents and had a wonderful nap together curled up around each other on the couch after all the excitement of presents. I guess this is 40 because I liked having a little nap more than anything today. Haha. OMG I'm old. Mom called later that afternoon. I was helping myself to lunch - Mexican food (lol) and smiled, seeing Mom's name light up on my phone's screen. "Hi Mom" She was already chuckling. Mom is always laughing about something, God bless her. "hahaha Hello my Janny!" her happy voice boomed across the phone lines. We talked for a few minutes ab

I get scared to say it, you know. I get scared to say "Actually, I'm doing great" because I feel like 'life' will overhear me and think to itself "is that right?" and give me a terrible illness or put me through a really hard time just to prove me wrong. It's silly, I know. So today, I'm going to be brave and say it. I'm actually doing really, really great. I love my job, I have wonderful friends, I'm in a happy and amazing marriage and I live in a really beautiful home. Yesterday, for instance, was a really good day. I had a great day at work, pottering about in the office, cleaning and chatting to staff. I love what I do (God alone knows what my actual title is - there isn't a reception area on this floor and I just tidy up around people - whether they're in the kitchen or not - as well as do a bit of Admin work) and the afternoon flew by really well. I'd been in touch with Alun a few times in the day, just cal

The other side of my messy blogs of late...is that I'm doing great . I love my job. I earn a small fortune every week ($800 - probably not loads to you, but to me, omg I feel like a millionaire) and I'm continuing to lose weight. I love my PT sessions. I love Yoga. My yoga instructor is now a friend and she always encourages me and lifts me up on facebook :) so good! I love that I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I'm still overweight...but because I'm a size 12 now and not a 16...I'm feeling pretty great. 2 dress sizes and 20kgs to go. I can do this! I'm living a really happy life . Alun and I love our new house. Our first real home together. We love the jarrah floorboards, the French doors, the pretty bay windows in both bedrooms that open up in the old-fashioned way. We love that our home has two of everything - 2 living rooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 bedrooms. It sounds massive but it's not. It's just right . We moved in with our old second-

Oh this is a hard one for me. Because I think I fall in love with friends the way I fall in love with boys - hard, fast and for life . And this friend... I'm absolutely crazy about . I believe I truly am in love with my friend Gracie. Not in a lesbian way. Just in the way that she's worked her way into my heart and over the years, no matter what she does to break it, I always allow her back in. Willingly. I love Gracie's fierceness, her determination, that she's not much taller than me but she's as strong as an ox. I love how protective, brave, strong and downright hilarious she is. Gracie is the life of the party and lights up a room just by being in it. It's strange to admit, but I even love Gracie's hands. She has gorgeous olive skin and long, tapered fingers. Her hands are graceful and so delicate, yet really strong. If I could ask God to change my hands, I'd want hands like Gracie. I love that I know if Gracie only had a dollar left in th

For goodness sakes. I'm totally fed up. I think I invite drama into my life unwittingly, you know. There I was...as happy as a clam, enjoying my awesome marriage, awesome job (omg I love this job), awesome friends and awesome life... ...and then within the space of only a few hours, Kirsty emailed AND Gracie rang. 2 People who just mess me around, break my heart, are demanding, selfish and not nice to me. So why do I make every effort to have them back? Because I'm an idiot. That's all I can come up with. I'm completely stupid. Who would ALLOW back into their lives people who just break them? Break my heart, belittle my confidence and make me question who I am as a person? OMG. I talked to Alun about "Kirsty" and Gracie yesterday. He laughed and wrapped his arms around me "Little wife, you want to be friends with everyone...whether it's good for you or not...these girls - they're bad news...I think you should let them go&qu

Such a simple word but one that I like a lot. "Hey" I used it twice today on people in my life who have really, really hurt me. First, "Kirsty" is back in my life. When I say 'back', I actually mean "at the very edges" of it, but there nonetheless. This is a tricky one because it's been such a rough history between us. I read a saying somewhere on facebook that really resounded with me " when you think about tearing a fence down - take time to remember why you put it up in the first place " . That spoke to me because my memory is shocking . Also, metaphorically speaking - I'm a fence tearer - not a fence builder - at heart. I love forgiveness. I love being friends. I love 'starting over' and I love knowing someone is back in my life rather than leaving...so remembering why I put the fence up in the first place starts to get a bit hazy. But on the other hand...because putting fences up is so rare...it stays on m

I feel like that's what I'm doing lately - waiting. For what, I don't know. Something good, I hope. Well - God willing - THIS FRIDAY, Alun and I get the keys to our new home. This Friday - we'll be moving!!! God provided a new job for me only ONE DAY AFTER my old job ended. He is so good. Al and I went away to Phuket and God looked after us both the entire time. Al got gastro and I got some kind of chest flu (it is a bastard, let me tell you) on our last day of holidays - but generally, we were happy and whole and safe and I thank God for every moment. Even in the worst of the gastro, God provided a wonderful Doctor who came to our hotel room and administered medicine to Alun so that he didn't have to visit a hospital. Alun and I have both worked hard to pack up most of the house - there's only a little bit more to do so by Friday, we should hopefully be ready to go. Alun and Troy want to be the removalists on this one - they've both taken this ver

I'm watching a great series on Netflix right now - called " 13 reasons why ". First I read the book and didn't hold high hopes for the series because I feel like once a book is on the screen - it loses so much of its purity and honesty. But this has exceeded expectation and I'm so blessed. I love it. I wanted to blog tonight though - because as I'm watching the series - I'm struck by the people in it - especially Hannah's parents - who just want to know why. When someone kills themselves and they don't leave a letter - the people who love them want to know why. As someone who's stood on that edge - I'm hoping to expose 'the other side' and help you to understand. Firstly - depression and suicide are different for everyone. There is no 'one size fits all' cure or solution to it - but there are definite similarities in the suffering of it - and this is something I can address because I know a lot about it. Now t

2 years ago - to this very date - Alun and I were struggling. Big time. We had put an offer in on a house we both really, really liked. The house was small but had a lot of promise and was on a big plot of land that invited change for the better. We were both so excited at first, but within 2 or 3 days of signing the contract, things had all gone to poo. The sellers had 'changed their minds', changed the contract and were bullying us. What followed was months of heartache and confusion. Alun and I didn't know which way was up anymore. We were being jipped every way we turned and there didn't seem to be a way out. It was a horrible, dark, sad, scary, disappointing time and I hope we never 'go there' again. But here's the good that came from it: Alun uncharacteristically fell apart. He is a strong, kind, generous, intelligent man but these guys pushed so hard and so forcefully that Al was undone. BUT THAT'S WHERE I STEPPED UP. Surprising Alun

Grey words in my Facebook status ask "What's on your mind, Janet?" Well today, I'll tell you. I'm grieving because my brother has cut me out of his life. I miss him. I'm grieving because he and Kate have had a little baby boy - Sebastian Jay - and he's as cute as a button. I have a nephew and I'd so love to hold him. But I will never be allowed. And I take that personally....because it is personal, after all. Mom rang today and followed up our  phone conversation with an updated picture of week-old Sebastian - he looks so much like Jay did as I baby. I know, because from the moment they brought him home, I was my brother's keeper. I was his protector and his shadow. I loved him and I gave Mom a run for her money when it came to mothering him. I fed him, rocked him to sleep, told him stories, prayed for him, sang to him, tickled his toes and blew raspberries on his stomach. He was everything to me. It hurts me so much that I'm nothi

I've had such a good run lately that when depression came a'knocking - it floored me. I forgot it could do that, you know. I forgot it could come back and visit whenever it wanted. And so it has. I pray it has only come about because of my lady pains. These ones have been particularly painful. They are so painful in fact, that I think I'll be staying home from Church tomorrow. And I LOVE going to Church. So, this evening, I'm going to "Katniss Everdeen" it. When I was reading the Hunger Games books (a bloody good series - let me tell you!), one part really struck me. Well, two - but I'll blog about the other one another time :) The part that I'll talk about today is the part when Katniss has gone through so much trauma that to settle herself, she reminds herself what her name is and what district she's from. Tonight I'll do something similar. This is what I know: My name is Janet Daniels-Thomas (God willing, it WILL be one day. Ha

Hey, I have the cartoon movie "Bolt" on in the background - it's so cute. It's only 7:48pm but I'm already struggling to stay awake. I had a full day of work today (again, loved it!) and then Yoga class right after. I ache all over, but it's a good ache. It means I worked hard. Just a short blog today (Sue would be so proud of me) about how grateful I am to have Alun in my life. I got home from work and the front porch light was shining bright. Such a simple thing, really - but it meant the world to me. It meant that someone loves me and expected me home. Alun left the light on for me and it made finding my way home so much easier. It's just a light - but it said to me: "You are loved" "You are important to someone" And that made my day. I'm too tired to write anything else. Goodnight x

"Joyce" at work is the "EO" (executive officer) and I can tell her job means the world to her because I looked on her hand and there wasn't a wedding ring. It was a huge assumption to make "You're not married - so your job is everything to you" - but it wasn't a big leap to make because everything "Joyce" is - is her pride in working for the Minister. There's nothing wrong with that, but I struggled with all the bullying and intimidation she brought with her to the work situation. Her muttered, nasty comments about me and to me, the way she leaned over me when she constantly told me off at work - her hot breath on the back of my neck *shivers* and the way she always made me feel so unwelcome and unwanted. Joyce put me down a lot, made me feel worthless and stupid and every day I had to get up to go to work - was a day I dreaded. One day last week, Joyce took her bullying and threatening up a few notches and I couldn't take