God makes beauty from ashes

Jay didn't respond to my text, you guys. I don't think he ever will again, to be honest. And yet a shiny, golden part of my heart always wants to try - wants to hold on and not let go. But it hurts! It hurts me terribly when Jay ignores me. I checked my phone constantly after messaging Jay about Dad's birthday and felt heartbroken whenever I looked because he'd not texted back. I guess I knew all along he's done with me but I had to try - for Dad, I had to try.

My brain is wired to always look at the negatives. To always be on alert for 'danger' and to be ready to 'abort mission' as quickly as possible - if need be. So I find it hard to remember good things or to be aware of them when it counts. Today I'm going to try to change that and tell you all the great things in my life. Obviously Alun. My whole world is in that guys' cheeky grin. I love him so much. I'm blessed to know I have a person. Alun is my person and I am his. There is something fundamentally comforting about belonging to someone that I can't describe in words. It's something you gotta feel. I know Alun loves me. That in his presence, I am safe and cherished. I trust him with my life and I know he'd lay down his to save mine in an instant. That's pretty awesome. I am a really blessed, happy, fulfilled wife and I thank God for Al in my life. I couldn't think of anyone better to be married to. I have AWESOME friends. You guy

With Jay refusing to speak to me or acknowledge me (he really knows how to take "you're dead to me" to the next level), I guess it's the reverse of divorce for my parents - it's their kids that aren't talking. Or at least, Jay isn't talking back. I'm trying not to hate him for how much he puts me through but every year, it's getting so much harder. I know how hard I found it when my parents divorced and how hurt my friends were when their parents divorced - its like having to witness your family being torn in half and it is awful. So I'm guessing it's much the same for parents whose children aren't talking anymore. It must be painful to watch. Anyway. I know it would mean a great deal to both my parents to see us in the same room together. With Dad's birthday coming up next week and Dad having moved back to the city (we'll see how that goes!)I thought this was a great opportunity to 'bury the hatchet' (no JD -

I must have done something very, very good in my life because God blessed me with the best person I know: Alun. He's my favourite. Today I thought I'd write about him and why I love him so much. Alun is pure joy. He's happy all the time - even when he's sleeping, he'll chuckle or be smiling at something in his dreams. Alun's genuinely nice to all people and animals. If he sees an animal, the first thing he wants to do is care for it "do you want some water, little buddy?". On his 'breaks' at the hospital, Alun sits in the same spot outside the beautiful Catholic Cathedral. A little willy wagtail (tiny black bird that has a big tail and likes to shake it a lot - google it) has befriended him, recognises Alun when he sits on the grass and often will fly down and perch on the end of Alun's sneaker, 'hanging out' with him for the short time Al has a rest. Isn't that the cutest thing? He doesn't say much about it, but

I was in a panic yesterday as the MASSIVE SURGERY I'm going to have (God willing) on 7th June suddenly got rescheduled for NEXT WEEK. I was so anxious and scared about surgery in potentially 10 days rather than a good 4-5 weeks away that I struggled to think clearly the whole day. But Alun had a feeling the Surgeon had forgotten about my pulmonary embolism and that it would take 3 months for the clot to subside. He was right because when I mentioned it to my Doctor/Surgeon, he said "Oh! That's right! We'd better stick with the June date, then" and that was that. But it feels like my world has been bounced on the sidewalk and I'm a bit shaky trying to put it back together again. So. Deep breaths, JD. Deep breaths. We're back on for over a month away rather than just 10 days. Ok. I can stop shallow-breathing. I need to get back on track and back on with my health and weight loss plan. The one I can never stick to! ARGHHHHH! This is so h