God makes beauty from ashes

I finished work yesterday evening and caught the free bus into the city, smiling to myself as I pictured Alun's happy face and how great it would feel to hug him and hear about how his day went. I got off at my usual stop and waited with about 35 impatient, tired workers to cross the road into the main Mall. There we were, all in our grey, black or navy-blue business attire. Like a little well-dressed army. I guess that's why she stood out. She was the only one in our weary group who wasn't professionally dressed. She looked to be in her early 20's and was instead wearing jeans and a bright red t-shirt. Her shirt was too big for her, which had the effect of making her look smaller than she was. She was a thin girl, with hair the colour of straw that fell gently down her back in a low ponytail. She had a tan and was wearing black jeans. I noticed a black guitar case slung over her shoulder with bright red, yellow and green stickers on it and wondered if she was a bus

Hey, I know, I'm a bit sporadic with these blog posts, huh? I'll have to make more of an effort to keep it consistent. Maybe at least once a week? Hopefully then, the posts wont be as long *wink* and then you and I can both keep a better track of where I'm at :) This week's been busy. Work and Uni are taking over my life, seriously. Especially Uni. I've struggled with sitting at my desk and trying to learn things I'm not very interested in...especially when its 80-90 pages of sentences where I'm having to look up every 2nd word. I can add anthropocentric, despotic and methodology to the words I know now. Lucky me :) The weekend was lovely as I got to see Sue, Christine and Mary Ellen. It was wonderful to sit at a cafe in Morley on a bright, Spring Saturday morning and see their lovely faces again. Sue looked lovely. Trim and classy, as she always is. Christine was a bit more subdued but of course she would be...Christine lost a good friend and her

2 blogs in one night :) lucky you, eh? *wink* I just wanted to write about the flowers I planted a week or so ago. I have called them my 'flower babies' and while it's all still quite new to me, I'm feeling very passionate about keeping them alive and well. Do you know I worried about my little flowers when I was away in Narrogin? I got back and didnt even unpack my suitcase. No. Instead, I filled up my pink watering can and strode out purposefully to the back garden where half of my flower babies live. I was devastated (truly) to find they weren't faring well. I planted 6 little flowers in a little row...and one of them was dead. It had drooped sadly and just looked grey and dead...and when I gently touched the leaves, they felt like paper - dry and fragile in my hands...and crumbly. It made me really sad. The other 5 were starting to droop so I watered them really well and talked to them. I've heard talking to plants helps them grow so I encouraged the

I used to have them, you know. "days of the week" underwear. They each came in a different colour and on the front in curly, girly font, was printed the day of the week. It made me feel more organised somehow wearing them. On a rebellious whim one day, I decided to deliberately wear the wrong day of the week. Ha! I strutted off to work thinking I could rule the world. That evening though, just after dinner, I experienced a really painful 'band' around my waist. My pelvis hurt terribly and I found that if I pressed down to the side of my lower stomach, the pain seemed more manageable. After throwing up and feeling my temperature rise, I finally gave in and took myself to hospital. "We'll need to examine you" The Doctor said, and with that, asked me to pull up my shirt and lower my jeans. The pain took over any embarrassment/modesty and I dutifully pulled my jeans down a little lower. The Doctor turned to the nearest Nurse. "I th

Hey, It's been a very busy week and a bit since I last wrote. The last time I wrote, I thought my emotions (mostly coming hard and fast and out of nowhere for no reason at all) and erratic hormones threatened to do me in. Seriously. But I'm okay. Praise God, I'm doing better with every day that passes. Mostly thanks to the amazing friends God has placed in my life. I was able to talk with Roz, G and be encouraged online through a friend who lives in Melbourne (Troy) and found myself more and more able to calm down with those I loved encouraging me that I was not, in fact, crazy - and that everything really would be okay. Deep down somewhere inside my panic, I knew that...but having G's gentle voice assure me that the world was really a beautiful place after all did wonders for my anxiety. I'm so glad he was there and that he stayed on the phone with me until breathing didn't hurt my chest any more. I'm really blessed by the friends I have.

My friend and beloved ex-neighbour Amy was over the other night. Amy is 20 years old, beautiful, toned and strong, fearless and has an infectious, beautiful laugh. Amy finds everything funny and is really good company. But trying to explain depression to her was as useful and enjoyable for either of us as releasing a bagful of confetti into the air on a windy day...and then hoping to collect every single one back on the same day. "All you have to do" Amy began, as she tucked one toned leg under the other and settled onto the leather sofa in the living room "Is two small things - they're sooo easy" Oh? "Yep" 20-year-old Amy continued, absentmindedly brushing her gorgeous glossy fringe from her beautiful face "First of all, you have to stop caring what everyone thinks of you. You have to. Just let it go. F*ck 'em. You dont need their opinion. You do what you have to do for you - f*ck the rest of 'em" That easy, huh? "A

I decided this morning that I would mow the lawn. Alun normally does it but as he's been away a lot, and our weather has been really rainy then suddenly sunny, the grass has loved this and has grown in the last month to my waist height. I was not looking forward to sorting the grass out. I hate mowing the lawn, you know. But I did it :) I pressed on. I mowed and sang along the songs on my phone's playlist. I pulled weeds and prayed for those I love. I mowed a little more. I filled our rubbish bin with wonderfully green, lush grass cuttings. Then on a whim, I decided to buy some flowers to plant in the empty 'borders' in our front and back garden. I walked to Bunnings (in the UK, it's called "B&Q") and wondered around frowning. How does anyone make sense of this place? Why is this every man's favourite store - it's mental! I think I was the only female there at 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon. I eventually purchased a little trowel, a tiny

"Purging" my heart and all my fears last night wasnt as healthy and empowering as I thought it would be. I actually couldnt sleep thinking "oh my God...people I love and think dearly of have read my fears, my demands upon myself and my b*tchy rantings and ravings. But it's out there now, isn't it? (*whispers* I might still delete yesterday's post...I'll file it mentally under "too much information") Again, I had another good day. I worked for 4 hours as the Government "tea lady" this morning. Although it has it's cons (I basically circle 3 kitchens on 2 different floor levels and just do the dishes every time someone has left them as well as re-fill coffee, tea and hot chocolate canisters on every visit which is lonely and sometimes awkward), it has it's pros - I get to greet some really happy/nice staff members, Donna - my manager in this placement - is really lovely and leaves me home made cookies on the mornings when

how do I get up and move on from my past when it's in my heart and on my mind so much? almost a week ago, I got an email from my ex-mother-in-law. To see Jon's Mom's name in my inbox made my heart ache. The part of me that still listens out for Santa on Christmas Eve hoped it was going to be a nice email. I've missed Joan so much. It wasn't nice, though. But to be honest, it wasn't horrible, either - it was just... cold . Joan wants me to ship my boxes from the container at Church - NOW. She reminded me of my promise to do it 4 years ago which I'm mortified at being so crap at keeping. I'm so thankful they kept my things for me instead of just throwing them out. So I've been researching shipping companies and international freight companies. I got a fairly good quote from a great company over in the UK who will collect my boxes from Prescot, ship them to me and deliver them to my front door here in Australia. Pretty good, eh? The thin

Sometimes new friends can be surprising in that they know what we need more than old friends do. As was the case on Saturday morning with my new friend, Roz. Roz is someone I met on assignment at the really lovely place I used to work by the Boat Harbour in South Perth. I liked Roz right away. She shared an office with Judith (another really great friend) and whenever I went into their office, I felt like I could breathe, be myself and was always in great company. Since leaving that lovely work place, Roz, Jude and I have kept in contact. Roz has proven to be a source of wisdom and I'm so thankful I can 'bounce things around' with Roz and get a level-headed, well thought out response from her every time. After being fired last Monday, my confidence has plummeted. I've been finding the rest of the week really tough and even as I blog to you this morning...I'm struggling to get started on my day and it's almost 10:00am. Anyway... *sigh* towards the e

"so what day would you like to leave on?" Claire asked, as she lifted her mug of hot chocolate to her lips. I was dumbfounded and at this point all I could do was look around the Cafe. I dont even know what I was looking for. Something familiar, maybe...something to mentally grasp so that I didnt completely fall apart. I stared at a poster of a Swedish sandwich on the wall. Claire cleared her throat "So...?" I looked at her and didnt really see her..."Uhh this week sometime?" I offered Claire nodded. "Whatever suits you best and is easiest for you" she smiled sweetly. I wanted to punch her right on her smug little face. Long story short, I'm fired. It's so strange because even though I've struggled with this job, I've tried my best and had no intention of leaving. Funnily enough, in the last month or so - I actually genuinely thought I was finally doing great at this. I havent complained, have tried to put a p

Hey, Oh my gosh, since I last wrote to you, things have been MENTAL. I've had assignments due at Uni due, long work hours (to this day, I absolutely RESENT being the company cleaner every evening! HATE IT), spending time with friends and welcoming a giddy and excited Sam to Australia. Last night though brought me back to earth with a shock. I was walking - as fast as I could in the thick sheets of rain through the city to my bus stop for the 22 home. I would have missed her if I wasnt glancing around in fear of 'attackers' (I know...I'm a nutcase) in dark alleyways. Instead, I saw a shape...shivering on the ground, trying to fit their small, frail body under a thin, torn blanket. The blanket was only the size of half a towel and the person had covered their head and shoulders with it. I stopped. What to do? I opened my purse. $15 in notes and about $10 in change. I walked over to the shivering figure. The clothes were dirty and torn. It broke my heart to

Hey, I had so much fun today. When I woke up, I sang to Alun until he groaned and got ready for work. I took my phone into the shower with me and sang happily to "owl city" while I lathered shampoo into my hair. The day was absolutely stunning and I was so excited to be a part of it. Amy (my neighbour and quickly becoming a dear friend) popped over this morning for high tea. We don't actually have "high tea" in that we don't have fancy sandwiches or cute little posh cakes or lovely porcelain teacups...we just have normal cups of tea in cheap, big mugs...but we sit on the bar stools in the kitchen and raise them up really high :) I really adore our neighbours. Al and I are really blessed. It's just lucky that G texted " see you in an hour " at 11:00am because I'd gotten distracted and was in a deep heart-to-heart with Amy in the laundry. Amy and Troy don't have a washing machine, so Al and I have given them the keys to our hous

one of the nice things about getting older is that you become much more appreciative of your parents. When you're older, you're mature enough not to 'see your parents as the enemy' any more and to appreciate them in a new light. When I landed in Bali that glorious day (almost a month ago - but it feels like years) and saw my parents waiting at the arrival gate, I made a decision then and there to just love them as they are. I think I'm finally starting to learn that acceptance is the key to families working. I can't change my Mom and Dad and as much as I'm sure I disappoint and worry them with my anxiety and depression - they cant change me, either...so I deliberately chose to just accept and be grateful for who they are. I took in Dad's shiny, bald head - covered in beads of sweat from the Bali humidity, bless him. I took in his bright blue eyes, red cheeks and daggy lop-sided grin. He was in his usual 'overly bright clothing' which consi

Hey, I leave for Bali in 2 days (aargh!) and am I the least bit organised? No. No, I am not . I havent even started packing. Here's whats happened since I last wrote: Shelbie and I arranged to go to dinner together last night. We arranged this weeks ago and I've been looking forward to it for ages. I love spending time with Shelbie - I can just be myself and we can catch on our favourite shows and 'gossip' about the characters and argue about our favourite people in "My Kitchen Rules". I was in the carpark looking for Shelbie's car at 5:01pm and was excited for going for a meal with a good friend. Shelbie pulls up next to me and grins a welcome as I open the passenger door. At the same time as I pull my seatbelt around my huge frame and beam an excited smile at Shelbie, my phone rings. I grimace in apology to Shelbie, mouth the words "Sorry about this" and answer the call. It's Gracie . "Hello?" I answer hesitantly -