God makes beauty from ashes

I lie all the time. I feel like I have to. I sit on reception and I greet up to 100 people every single day. The same greeting for the same staff members: "Morning Janet" "Morning Deb/Cheryl/Steve/Andrew/Gary etc..." "How are you? they ask "I'm fine" I lie. *big smile* "And how are you?" ...often I don't get an answer as that member of staff is already past the security doors and on their way to their desk/the work kitchens. So I lie. Every day. I lie because if they asked "how are you?" and I said "Actually, I'm considering suicide every single moment of every single day. I can't look at any object without imagining how it could hurt me or kill me if I used it just so. I hate myself. I loathe myself. I despise myself. All the time . How are you going?" Because that's the truth. I live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, great depression, deep unhappiness and a deep-set, long-l...

I love action movies. I love the thought of heroes and doing good for people who need help. That's probably why I watch a lot of movies. Some of my favourite movies - are the ones with the "Avengers" in them. Of course, "Tony Stark" (played by the gorgeous Robert Downey Jr) is my favourite. Because Robert DJ is my favourite. He can do no wrong in my eyes. He's wonderful. Anyway, I'm losing track here. What I wanted to say is that something that struck me was something 'the Hulk' said in one of their movies. He said to someone "want to know my secret of being the Hulk?" they obviously said 'yes' so he answered "I'm always angry". At the time, I thought "that can't be right - because then he'd always be the Hulk and we'd never see Mark Garrufalo (sp?) in his lovely human form". But now I get it. He lives in a constant state of anger. It just changes levels, but it's always there -...

It's 8:28pm and I feel like I've cried enough tears to fill a bathtub. You know when you cry so much you feel like throwing up? That's where I'm at today. I'll write a longer blog about today sooner - it just seems too big right now and too raw to take on but I wanted to let you know how I feel. I feel really, really low. Really brought down. Really rejected, unwanted and really unhappy. Deeply unhappy. The type of hurt that squeezes your soul and makes you want to just lay down and die. I feel like that. In all my thoughts of self destruction and in my worry and hurt and anger and pain...and suicidal considerations today...two words stand out  - as if God is whispering them and hoping I put a puzzle together: Compassion ...and the word "wait". I've only ever heard God speak directly to me once in my entire life. I was in Liverpool and I was staring down at a handful of really, really strong pain meds. I was going to take them all, la...