God makes beauty from ashes

Yep. The 11 kilos I worked SO DAMN HARD to lose - are back on. It was so easy putting them back on. It took a matter of weeks. It took almost a year to lose them!!! WHAT AM I DOING?!? I see myself in mirrors or window reflections and it makes me sad. Why are you fat again, JD? Why? I'll tell you why. Because I'm addicted to sugar . I love it. I think about it all day. I plan my entire day around eating "first I'll have...then work...then I'll eat..." and so on. When I'm losing weight and looking right, my mentality changes and I start planning my day around outfits instead of food. "I will save up for those jeans/that dress" and I start thinking about what colours/fabrics/accessories go with my dark skin and what belts and scarves I can wear with outfits. That's when I know I'm on a winning streak. I know I'm on a losing streak right now and in a bad place food-wise (and weight-wise) because I'm struggling to do t...

"It's up to you what you want to do about this" Alun said, turning his phone screen towards me. On his facebook messages was one from Gracie. It said something like "please ask Janet to un-block me on facebook, I want us to be friends again" At the time, I think Alun and I were packing our cases and preparing for flights to Borneo, so I just shrugged, put it in the "deal with it later" basket in my mind and we moved on. A few days ago, I remembered and 'un-blocked' Gracie. I don't even know anymore why I did it...because even as I write to you, I don't think I want to be friends again. I think if anything, I did it because I hate the thought of my brother 'blocking me' and I am so happy for the opportunity to undo the blocking of someone else. As I've said before, I'm a fence tearer - not a fence builder :) and yet! I have to make measured, careful, wise choices about fences in general. The reasons they went up in...

I've not experienced them a lot in my life - or if I have, they've been so few and far between and not as frightening - so I haven't had much chance to remember them...but the ones I'm having lately? I will never forget. Panic attacks. They suck balls. I got my first one the other day. I was okay to begin with. Tired from recovering from the dreaded flu during the week. It has amazed me how much the flu has completely knocked me off my feet. I haven't felt this unwell in a very long time, you guys. It was awful. I was in such pain all over my body and had a banging headache that just alternated from 'really bad' to 'a lot worse'. It did not get better throughout the week. I had the chills and a fever and felt like I was freezing all the time. My eyes were gritty and sore and my throat honestly felt like it had been cut deeply from the inside, that's how much it hurt. I had absolutely no energy and even the smallest things - like having a...