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Gracie

"It's up to you what you want to do about this" Alun said, turning his phone screen towards me.

On his facebook messages was one from Gracie. It said something like "please ask Janet to un-block me on facebook, I want us to be friends again"

At the time, I think Alun and I were packing our cases and preparing for flights to Borneo, so I just shrugged, put it in the "deal with it later" basket in my mind and we moved on.

A few days ago, I remembered and 'un-blocked' Gracie.

I don't even know anymore why I did it...because even as I write to you, I don't think I want to be friends again. I think if anything, I did it because I hate the thought of my brother 'blocking me' and I am so happy for the opportunity to undo the blocking of someone else. As I've said before, I'm a fence tearer - not a fence builder :) and yet! I have to make measured, careful, wise choices about fences in general. The reasons they went up in the first place are what I have to be mindful of.

About an hour after I'd unblocked Gracie on facebook, my messages 'pinged'. Messages seemed to come hard and fast.

"Hello"
"how are you, Janet?"
"Miss you"
"Can we be friends again?"

Along with uploads - about 10 of them - of Gracie's little boy.

Oh Lord.

It's been so long. Months and months since we last "spoke" to each other over text. Gracie hastily inviting me to pancakes and me texting "sorry, I can't this time - hope you have a great day"

Then nothing.

Then this?

I'm so confused.

Gracie and I stopped being friends last June - when I texted her that I was suicidal and she texted back "Lol. cool story".

When I tried again and told her I was literally weighing up my life in my bare hands, she texted back something about going shopping and that she was busy.

That's when a friendship should end. Right there.

But now Gracie wants me back in her life?

Why???

And why am I finding it so hard to say "no"?

I have a good life with great friends. I don't "need" to have Gracie in it. She doesn't "need" to have me in hers.

My pride and selfishness is probably the reason I can't let go - because I like the thought that someone wants me in their life. That someone wants me back. It's awesome for my ego.

What's not awesome is the damage on my heart when I am friends with Gracie.

It's too hard and it hurts too much.

So we can't be friends again.

I've not accepted Gracie's facebook friend request. I don't think I will now.

I'm just weighing up how to explain to her that I wish her all the best things in life - I just don't want to be caught up in it with her from now on.

Why am I finding this so hard?

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