Inside voice

Maybe the stupid cow at Bec's work should use HERS more often.

Yesterday after a very painful root canal (it was awful but had to be done. The Dentist and her assistant were lovely and kept checking I was okay to go on. I nodded whenever they said "Are you alright?" but the big tears streaming down the sides of my face while I was suspended in the dentist chair gave me away a bit) I saw Bec's car was still at her office building and decided to take her belated birthday gifts in to her.

Yes, I am a tool and forgot Bec's birthday. Not on purpose. Not with any malice...but Jay's texts messages were hard on my heart, Bec's rejection of my MANY calls the day after to apologise were hard too and going in person to Bec's office, repeating my apologies and hoping desperately that Bec would afford me some grace and forgive me...or at least be civil were gentle words lost on deaf ears.

I shouldn't have even bothered.

There I was, with my jaw on fire, seeing double from the medication that was taking effect and wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed...but I wanted to show Bec how very sorry I was so I went. I took the immaculate lift up to Bec's very polished office with an amazing view...and got what I expected...Bec's thin back to me. I took a deep breath and started to softly sing "happy belated birthday to my sister in law..." whereupon Bec turned around in her chair, assessed me with a gaze that would have frozen a hot cup of tea instantly and said "dont sing. it sounds horrible".

My Olive leaf wasnt just NOT accepted, it was crushed underfoot.

Nevertheless, I stepped forward, put my arms around my ever-dissapearing sister in law and said "Im so sorry Bec. I would never forget on purpose. Please forgive me". Bec answered "that's between you and Jay (huh?) nothing to do with me. Whatever" and turned her back to me. I gently placed the hamper of chocolates and Becs favourite perfume I had carefully made and wrapped onto Bec's desk. It was ignored. Bec reached for a box of dried savory snacks instead.

That's when I met her next door neighbour.

The wicked witch of the East. East Perth, anyway.

She walked like she owned the place. Like she owned ME. She came over, grabbed a handful of Bec's snacks, popped them into her mouth, then addressed me with her mouth open - spitting food everywhere as she spoke. "You look like a terrorist".

PARDON???

"You look like you want to bomb the place"

WTF?

I looked at Bec for help or guidance, she just stared back.

Shocked, deeply offended, a little hurt and mostly OVER IT, I just said "uhhh...yeah. I just dropped by to see Bec...I'm off home"

SHE said "Dont leave a bomb under my desk when you go, ok?"

Tiny Janet wanted to do JUST THAT, funnily enough.

I muttered "why dont you consume a large amount of alcohol then attempt to drive home?"

She and Bec both asked "What?"

I replied "Nothing. Happy birthday Bec, I'm sorry again that it was late"

I was afforded a stoney silence and a raised eyebrow.

I picked up my wounded pride and took my weary, broken self home.

At 4am, I changed my facebook status to: "You look like a terrorist"...oh sweetie, YOU look like you'd have trouble walking upright and difficulty stringing an intelligible sentence together but you managed didn't you? You TWIT. Maybe we shouldnt make snap judgements about people because its not just incredibly rude, its often WAY off base"

One of those moments where you reach behind and pat your OWN back because something you wanted to say came out JUST RIGHT :)

YEAH.

I just wish I could have thought clearly at the time and said it to her face instead of being such a coward on facebook.
Im heartbroken about how Jay and Bec have been about this. I forgot Bec's birthday. The first time in 10 years. I couldnt be more sorry about it and think the world of both of them but Bec is not ready to forgive and Jay is STILL not taking my calls.

Why is it that my family are the people who want to hurt me the most?

I heard once that friends are the family you choose for yourself. I am just so blessed I have good friends at least. If I COULD choose my family, I sometimes wonder if I'd choose my brother. I love Jay and Bec so much but im constantly treading on eggshells around them. Nothing I do is good enough and if I fall, they are the FIRST to abandon me or pay out on me - putting salt on wounds that hurt enough on their own to be honest.

I have got to learn to stop seeking their approval because I will never get it.

I try so hard, you know. The pressure on me to please them and try to get them to just LIKE me is so intense I crumble under it and often blurt out stupid things. My own brother is convinced im retarded.

Im at my desk struggling to keep my eyes open because the pain medication the Dentist gave me is loaded with Codeine...I shouldnt have taken it at work but the pain was so bad I felt like I couldnt NOT take it.

I feel like throwing up, Im THAT tired.

I didnt want to come in at all today but didnt want to let Christine down. She works so hard and I didnt want to leave her on her own at reception. I hope 4:30pm gets here quickly so I can just go home. Its only 10am now...soooooo long to go :(

On the flip side, Alun made a huge fuss over me when I was heartbroken over Bec, Wix made me a hamper of my very own *smiles* and things with Mom, Dad and my 'chosen family' of friends are going well - even things with Gracie :)

God is good xx