This depression is unfounded, not based on anything, unexpected...and absolutely knackering.
It's physically exhausting to be this unhappy and empty. I can't believe how much sleep I require just to get through the day. I sleep all the time but feel so very tired anyway.
What worries me is that my emotions right now are hard to manage or control because I don't know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel.
When I'm at home with Alun pottering about in the kitchen...I'm okay. I'm usually in bed with the doona cover over my head...or on the couch just staring at the wall wondering what's become of me in short a time span...but I'm "ok"
The minute anything else happens, however - I'm not good.
For instance, my friend Amy rang yesterday.
My phone's ringtone went off and I saw Amy's familiar name flash up on the screen.
I was surprised to feel dread. Absolute dread. Why was I reacting like this? I love Amy!
I felt a lump in my throat begin to form and my hands started sweating. I started shaking.
With trembling fingers, I slid the arrows across on my phone screen and cleared my throat before raising my phone to my ear and answering "Hello?"
"Hiya Darling" Amy's bright, happy voice on the other end of the line.
It was weird, but her voice hurt to listen to - so filled with joy when I felt so very empty.
She went on to tell me about her many adventures - extreme mountain biking, deep sea diving, meeting foreign people and making new friends...Amy's life is filled with wonder and beauty and I found my heart thudding away anxiously as I listened.
"Anyway Darl, how have you been?" Amy asked
My mouth felt like paste. It was an effort to answer back because my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth.
Why can't I just talk? Why can't I function normally?
"I uh" I struggled "I'm fine" I said - as brightly and as 'normally' as I could
My chest was tight - as if someone very heavy was sitting on it.
I couldn't breathe and felt so anxious, frightened and incredibly sad that I just wanted to hang up.
How much longer was this going to go on?
Amy talked and I felt as if the world around me closed in and hazed over.
What was my friend saying?
Why couldn't I focus?
"Janet?" she asked "You there?"
Honestly Amy...I don't know.
"Yep" I answered - again, as brightly as I could.
The conversation wound down (Praise the Lord) and Amy hung up...but I shook for hours afterwards, went to bed early and slept as I imagined a marathon runner would - absolutely spent and exhausted.
It's physically exhausting to be this unhappy and empty. I can't believe how much sleep I require just to get through the day. I sleep all the time but feel so very tired anyway.
What worries me is that my emotions right now are hard to manage or control because I don't know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel.
When I'm at home with Alun pottering about in the kitchen...I'm okay. I'm usually in bed with the doona cover over my head...or on the couch just staring at the wall wondering what's become of me in short a time span...but I'm "ok"
The minute anything else happens, however - I'm not good.
For instance, my friend Amy rang yesterday.
My phone's ringtone went off and I saw Amy's familiar name flash up on the screen.
I was surprised to feel dread. Absolute dread. Why was I reacting like this? I love Amy!
I felt a lump in my throat begin to form and my hands started sweating. I started shaking.
With trembling fingers, I slid the arrows across on my phone screen and cleared my throat before raising my phone to my ear and answering "Hello?"
"Hiya Darling" Amy's bright, happy voice on the other end of the line.
It was weird, but her voice hurt to listen to - so filled with joy when I felt so very empty.
She went on to tell me about her many adventures - extreme mountain biking, deep sea diving, meeting foreign people and making new friends...Amy's life is filled with wonder and beauty and I found my heart thudding away anxiously as I listened.
"Anyway Darl, how have you been?" Amy asked
My mouth felt like paste. It was an effort to answer back because my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth.
Why can't I just talk? Why can't I function normally?
"I uh" I struggled "I'm fine" I said - as brightly and as 'normally' as I could
My chest was tight - as if someone very heavy was sitting on it.
I couldn't breathe and felt so anxious, frightened and incredibly sad that I just wanted to hang up.
How much longer was this going to go on?
Amy talked and I felt as if the world around me closed in and hazed over.
What was my friend saying?
Why couldn't I focus?
"Janet?" she asked "You there?"
Honestly Amy...I don't know.
"Yep" I answered - again, as brightly as I could.
The conversation wound down (Praise the Lord) and Amy hung up...but I shook for hours afterwards, went to bed early and slept as I imagined a marathon runner would - absolutely spent and exhausted.
Comments
Post a Comment