Honestly, I just want to cry.
I have done, but I feel like so much more needs to come out. Do you ever feel like that?
I have been carrying the sadness of losing a friend on my heart for the past few days and it puts a fuzzy blur on how I see the world and how I see myself. It is painful and makes me so very unhappy. I think having my ladypains right now is making me feel a lot worse.
I decided yesterday that if I somehow won the lotto today, it wouldn't make a difference. I'd just have a bigger house to feel sad in. Isn't that terrible?
My friend Monique works across the road from me right now - she's filling in for someone who is recovering from a major operation and it's really nice to have her there because our Departments are linked so we work closely with each other and call each other a lot through the day. Hearing Mon's happy voice on the line is really, really wonderful.
Every Thursday, I work until 5pm instead of leaving at lunchtime, so Monique takes me home. I love riding in the car with a friend. It's honestly one of my favourite things ever. Mon always has the best stories and her beautiful face is so animated. I think she'd be a wonderful actress if she wanted to, she's incredible to watch. Anyway, yesterday around 5pm, Alun texted me:
"Hey Gorg, I'm coming to pick you up today"
Oh. This was unusual.
I texted back "It's okay, Gorg - save yourself a drive - Monique is taking me home today"
Then Al replied with "Okay no worries, but we'll have to pick my parents up from the airport as soon as you get home so no stopping off to chat on the way. Haha"
We're going to pick Alun's PARENTS up.
In all the heartache of "Kirsty", I'd completely forgotten they were coming.
OH.
My.
WORD.
ALUN'S PARENTS WILL BE HERE.
Calm down, JD. Calm down.
This time is different.
1) Alun's parents are staying in a Hotel in the heart of the city - not with us.
2) They're only here for 7 days - not the usual 6-8 WEEKS (!!!) they normally are here for.
3) remember number 1 ^^
4) remember number 2 ^^
5) It will be okay.
Deep breaths.
Stop panicking.
IT WILL BE OKAY.
I bit my lip and worried nonetheless on the drive home with Monique. She was talking and her wonderful laugh was ringing out in the space between us in the car...but I couldn't take anything in. I nodded at what I hoped were the right times and if Mon laughed, I made sure I did, too...but I can't remember a thing she said.
Alun opened the door and hugged me as I stepped inside.
Husband, you're so handsome.
"I'll uh..." I'll what? Run away? Because that's what I'd like to do. "I'll get changed and we'll go?" I suggested
Alun nodded "Okay cool. I'm ready to go so we'll take off in a few minutes"
What do you wear to face an old enemy with?
JD. Stop being silly.
I went with dark blue jeans (too tight) and a woollen grey jumper with "love" written on the front. Hmm. I put my black ballet flats on and raked my fingers through my hair. On impulse, I refreshed my makeup and added a little more blush to the apples of my cheeks.
I forced a smile in the mirror.
You can do this.
Piece of cake.
Oh Lord...I could really use an actual piece of cake.
Focus, JD!
I prayed on the way, silently to myself as Alun drove. He looked so happy. Alun hummed along to the latest hits on the radio and I prayed like mad.
Lord...I should have prayed daily about this in the months prior to Alun's parents arriving. Now I'm praying on the way to the airport. It feels like doing 10 sit ups before I head to the beach and hoping I will lose 10 kilos instead of putting in the work months before. I'm really sorry I didn't pray sooner. Please hold my hand. Please be with me in this. Please stay so close to me in the week ahead. Please help me to honour you in my words and actions. Please...please help me.
We arrived at the International arrival gates and there they were. I wonder how long they'd been waiting? I could see Mr Thomas waving madly with a big grin on his face. Bless him.
Alun strode forward and hugged his Mom tight. I held back to give them all space. Al moved forward to hug his Dad and Mrs T and I embraced.
Her tired eyes regarded me and she spoke softly "I love your long hair - it's really beautiful"
Well.
"Thank you" I smiled. I truly meant this one.
I moved to hug Mr Thomas. Promising to make God happy, I smiled again as we put our arms around each other "Hiya Dad!" I said, as happily, as warmly and as lovingly as I could.
"Hello there, lovely" he replied, his blue eyes twinkling.
So far so good, JD. Keep taking deep breaths.
Am I smiling? Is my face making the right shapes?
The Thomases looked weary from their flight and both had lost weight since I'd last seen them. They looked as if they hadn't had a good night's sleep in a long time. I felt compassionate towards them both. They must both be so tired.
They both chatted excitedly on the walk to the car, during the car drive into the city and around the table by the fireplace in the Pub Mr Thomas likes. It was a relief to just listen as I wasn't sure what to say, anyway. As the Thomases spoke, they yawned a lot. So tired. Alun and I took their cues and left after they had all finished their pints of beer.
Even though I had said/done very little - if anything at all, I found I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I wearily climbed into bed, holding a hot water bottle to my aching stomach.
Alun stayed up to watch a favourite show in the living room.
So far so good, I guess.
6 more days to go xx
I have done, but I feel like so much more needs to come out. Do you ever feel like that?
I have been carrying the sadness of losing a friend on my heart for the past few days and it puts a fuzzy blur on how I see the world and how I see myself. It is painful and makes me so very unhappy. I think having my ladypains right now is making me feel a lot worse.
I decided yesterday that if I somehow won the lotto today, it wouldn't make a difference. I'd just have a bigger house to feel sad in. Isn't that terrible?
My friend Monique works across the road from me right now - she's filling in for someone who is recovering from a major operation and it's really nice to have her there because our Departments are linked so we work closely with each other and call each other a lot through the day. Hearing Mon's happy voice on the line is really, really wonderful.
Every Thursday, I work until 5pm instead of leaving at lunchtime, so Monique takes me home. I love riding in the car with a friend. It's honestly one of my favourite things ever. Mon always has the best stories and her beautiful face is so animated. I think she'd be a wonderful actress if she wanted to, she's incredible to watch. Anyway, yesterday around 5pm, Alun texted me:
"Hey Gorg, I'm coming to pick you up today"
Oh. This was unusual.
I texted back "It's okay, Gorg - save yourself a drive - Monique is taking me home today"
Then Al replied with "Okay no worries, but we'll have to pick my parents up from the airport as soon as you get home so no stopping off to chat on the way. Haha"
We're going to pick Alun's PARENTS up.
In all the heartache of "Kirsty", I'd completely forgotten they were coming.
OH.
My.
WORD.
ALUN'S PARENTS WILL BE HERE.
Calm down, JD. Calm down.
This time is different.
1) Alun's parents are staying in a Hotel in the heart of the city - not with us.
2) They're only here for 7 days - not the usual 6-8 WEEKS (!!!) they normally are here for.
3) remember number 1 ^^
4) remember number 2 ^^
5) It will be okay.
Deep breaths.
Stop panicking.
IT WILL BE OKAY.
I bit my lip and worried nonetheless on the drive home with Monique. She was talking and her wonderful laugh was ringing out in the space between us in the car...but I couldn't take anything in. I nodded at what I hoped were the right times and if Mon laughed, I made sure I did, too...but I can't remember a thing she said.
Alun opened the door and hugged me as I stepped inside.
Husband, you're so handsome.
"I'll uh..." I'll what? Run away? Because that's what I'd like to do. "I'll get changed and we'll go?" I suggested
Alun nodded "Okay cool. I'm ready to go so we'll take off in a few minutes"
What do you wear to face an old enemy with?
JD. Stop being silly.
I went with dark blue jeans (too tight) and a woollen grey jumper with "love" written on the front. Hmm. I put my black ballet flats on and raked my fingers through my hair. On impulse, I refreshed my makeup and added a little more blush to the apples of my cheeks.
I forced a smile in the mirror.
You can do this.
Piece of cake.
Oh Lord...I could really use an actual piece of cake.
Focus, JD!
I prayed on the way, silently to myself as Alun drove. He looked so happy. Alun hummed along to the latest hits on the radio and I prayed like mad.
Lord...I should have prayed daily about this in the months prior to Alun's parents arriving. Now I'm praying on the way to the airport. It feels like doing 10 sit ups before I head to the beach and hoping I will lose 10 kilos instead of putting in the work months before. I'm really sorry I didn't pray sooner. Please hold my hand. Please be with me in this. Please stay so close to me in the week ahead. Please help me to honour you in my words and actions. Please...please help me.
We arrived at the International arrival gates and there they were. I wonder how long they'd been waiting? I could see Mr Thomas waving madly with a big grin on his face. Bless him.
Alun strode forward and hugged his Mom tight. I held back to give them all space. Al moved forward to hug his Dad and Mrs T and I embraced.
Her tired eyes regarded me and she spoke softly "I love your long hair - it's really beautiful"
Well.
"Thank you" I smiled. I truly meant this one.
I moved to hug Mr Thomas. Promising to make God happy, I smiled again as we put our arms around each other "Hiya Dad!" I said, as happily, as warmly and as lovingly as I could.
"Hello there, lovely" he replied, his blue eyes twinkling.
So far so good, JD. Keep taking deep breaths.
Am I smiling? Is my face making the right shapes?
The Thomases looked weary from their flight and both had lost weight since I'd last seen them. They looked as if they hadn't had a good night's sleep in a long time. I felt compassionate towards them both. They must both be so tired.
They both chatted excitedly on the walk to the car, during the car drive into the city and around the table by the fireplace in the Pub Mr Thomas likes. It was a relief to just listen as I wasn't sure what to say, anyway. As the Thomases spoke, they yawned a lot. So tired. Alun and I took their cues and left after they had all finished their pints of beer.
Even though I had said/done very little - if anything at all, I found I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I wearily climbed into bed, holding a hot water bottle to my aching stomach.
Alun stayed up to watch a favourite show in the living room.
So far so good, I guess.
6 more days to go xx
Comments
Post a Comment