tarred with a brush

The last time I was in my psych appointment, George said something that struck me.


He said "Janet. You've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder"


I've 'Googled' and 'Youtubed' it and it's not good, you guys.


It's not good at all.


Basically, it means I'm a really clingy, crazy woman. It means I don't know how to have relationships and that I'm so scared of being abandoned that I do crazy things to make sure you'll stay with me. I'll lie to you, manipulate you and sometimes physically force you to stay near me/with me.


What?!?


Borderline personality 'types' are people who don't know who they truly are or how to be around others 'properly'. According to my 'research', they are attention seekers, they are toxic, they're obsessive and they tend to see things in very black or white - no middle areas.


This is who I am?


Toxic, manipulative, forceful...a liar?


A search on Google for Australian Health's description said this:


"Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental disorder. People affected by BPD frequently experience distressing emotional states, difficulty in relating to other people, and self-harming behaviour.
Between two and five per cent of the population are affected by BPD at some stage in their lives. The symptoms of the disorder usually first appear in mid to late teens or in early adulthood. Women are three times more likely to be diagnosed with BPD than men.
The causes of BPD are not fully understood. They are likely to be a combination of biological and life factors. It is thought that many people with BPD have experienced abuse, trauma or neglect during childhood, and that this may have contributed to development of the disorder.


Symptoms may include one or more of the following:

• Deep feelings of insecurityDifficulty coping with fear of abandonment and loss; continually seeking reassurance, even for small things; expressing inappropriate anger towards others whom they consider responsible for how they feel; a fragile sense of self and one’s place in the world.

• ImpulsivenessThis impulsiveness is a response to feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and may include self-harm (for example, cutting, burning, or abuse of alcohol or drugs) or attempts at suicide. Self-harm may bring short-term relief from emotional distress, but can have a longer-term negative impact on the person.

• Confused, contradictory feelings
  Frequent questioning and changing of emotions or attitudes towards others, and towards aspects of life such as goals, career, living arrangements or sexual orientation.

Some people with BPD may also have symptoms of other mental illnessses. They may experience symptoms associated with anxiety or mood disorders, such as excessive worrying and having panic attacks, obsessive behaviour, hoarding or having unwanted thoughts, feeling persistently sad, moving or talking slowly, losing sexual interest or having difficulty concentrating on simple tasks. They may even experience psychotic symptoms such as delusions or false beliefs – believing, for example, they are being deceived, spied on or plotted against.

BPD is a complex disorder that is often misunderstood.

Not all people who harm themselves have BPD. While self-harm is common among people with BPD, not all those who do this have the disorder. People may self-harm for other reasons such as low self esteem, to momentarily express and release emotional pain or even to punish themselves. This may relate to a mental illness, a disorder or emotional problem unrelated to BPD.

People with BPD are not ‘bad’. The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labelled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD.

People with BPD can get better. Contrary to common belief, people with BPD can recover well with appropriate ongoing treatment and support. While there is no cure yet, BPD is a treatable disorder".

I think I definitely have deep feelings of insecurity, impulsiveness and I get confused a lot.


But I don't think I'm manipulative, a liar, especially clingy or forceful. If anything, I absolutely love time alone and go out of my way to make sure I don't hurt anyone or 'manipulate' them into doing anything they don't want to do.


I'm really upset about this.


Omg. Maybe that's a symptom of BPD?


The defensive part of me wants you to know this:


I'm really thoughtful. Genuinely - not to get anything back or to manipulate - honestly just because I care.
I'm a happy, sweet girl.
I don't really mind if you leave - in fact, I secretly like when people "have to go" because I prefer solace to being social!
I see loads of grey areas!!! Things can't possibly be black or white - life is just too fragile, complicated and surprising for it to be that simple.


Oh my word. So stressed about this.