Fed up

I can tell my ladypains will arrive any minute now because I'm fed up with everything.


I hate myself.


I hate everyone around me.


I hate colours. I hate black and white. I hate stomach cramps. I hate how my teeth and gums hurt.


I hate how the sun has blackened my skin.


I just feel bitter, resentful and really, really angry.


Is it just me or do you go through this, too?


So yeah - today's blog post will need to be had with a pinch of salt. Or sugar?


I hate both of them today.


Mom rang me last week and was so excited for Jay's wedding at the end of the month. She also told me that Jay and Kate are having a baby.


What?!?


That's pretty tremendous (as in grand in scale) news and I feel even further away from the family unit.


Yes, I asked for this and dug myself a hole. Now I'm in said hole and hating every minute of it.


I emailed Jay and Kate an apology "Sorry for losing my mind you guys, I messed up - hope you will forgive me one day".


That was 3 months ago.


Since then, I have called my brother every week - once a week - and he rejects my calls every time.


I explained the above ^^ to Mom when she asked if Alun and I are going to the wedding.


"I can't gate crash Jay's wedding, Mom - Al and I aren't invited, so we respect that and will give them peace. I wish them both every happiness"


Surprisingly, Mom understood. She "mmm'd" on the phone and then said "Yes. I see what you mean. You've apologised to your brother already and that's all you can do. I'm proud of you"


Thanks, Mom.


Dad, on the other hand, recommended I go to Jay in person and apologise profusely - AGAIN.


"Things lose their translation in emails and calls on the phone, Janet -  you need to go to your brother and apologise to his face"


Argh. DAD!!! Really? Really??? This is how it's going to be?


Well in my current mind frame -they can all go jump.


Jay hurt me too and NO ONE wants to talk about that, do they?


So fed up.


This is something that really gets my goat - that if I don't make a big deal of things in my family - Mom, Dad and Jay are all more than willing to just brush it under the carpet.


There's so much under that carpet that it's a huge mound in the middle of the room.


Mom, Dad and Jay want to politely waltz around it and ignore it.


I want to point and shout with all my might "There's a bloody big great MOUNTAIN of lies, deception, betrayal, hurt and pain under this carpet - why don't we each grab a dustpan, brush and/or broom and sweep it up and into the bin? Why don't we clear all this mess together and enjoy a nice, clean, spacious room together?


But I'm the crazy one. I'm "too sensitive", I "make a huge drama out of everything".


"leave it alone, Janet"

"Shh"


"You'll upset your brother"


"Let's just leave things in the past"


ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!