Oh this is a hard one for me.
Because I think I fall in love with friends the way I fall in love with boys - hard, fast and for life.
And this friend...I'm absolutely crazy about.
I believe I truly am in love with my friend Gracie.
Not in a lesbian way. Just in the way that she's worked her way into my heart and over the years, no matter what she does to break it, I always allow her back in. Willingly.
I love Gracie's fierceness, her determination, that she's not much taller than me but she's as strong as an ox. I love how protective, brave, strong and downright hilarious she is. Gracie is the life of the party and lights up a room just by being in it. It's strange to admit, but I even love Gracie's hands. She has gorgeous olive skin and long, tapered fingers. Her hands are graceful and so delicate, yet really strong. If I could ask God to change my hands, I'd want hands like Gracie. I love that I know if Gracie only had a dollar left in the world and a homeless person asked her for it, she'd give it to them without a moment's hesitation. I love that Gracie uses gift vouchers people have given to her on other people. I love how simply Gracie views the world "if you need it and I can provide it - it's yours".
Isn't that absolutely beautiful?
But the when I texted her on that day in June this year that I was about to kill myself and she texted back "LOL. COOL STORY"
...it was too far.
Too much. Too hurtful. Too selfish. Too flippant.
She really crossed a line when she chose SHOPPING over helping me stay alive.
And I can't go back from that.
At least that's what I told myself back then.
It strikes me today how different things are with Gracie and with Kirsty. And how some things are the same.
For instance, when I'm with both of them, I take on the role of 'big sister'. I listen, I protect, I defend and I encourage. They both need a lot of attention. They both need a lot of reassurance.
That's about where the similarities end though.
With Kirsty:
We met becasue she started to date a boy I had gone on a few dates with. Weird, right? We essentially became friends because of "Ted".
We both have depression/anxiety so she's pretty understanding when I have to 'bail' on meeting up/going to functions/whatever
We both like the same things - colouring in, reading, gardening
When Kirsty feels like she's being hurt - and I want to make this very clear - even if she's WRONG about it- KIRSTY COMES OUT ATTACKING - GUNS BLAZING - AND DOES NOT STOP.
Not until there is NOTHING left.
Extremely toxic. Like...woah.
Manipulative and vengeful
Has a lot of 'tunnel vision' where she will focus in on one very small thing and doesn't often acknowledge the bigger picture or the actual context of things. That is extremely frustrating to deal with.
With Gracie:
We met at Uni and became friends in a more 'natural' way, I guess
I wasn't that interested, she insisted on being closer and 'chased' me in a way. I liked that.
Gracie just comes over. She doesnt text first, there is no planning or negotiating - she's just there
Gracie is impulsive like me - we've often spent waaayyy too much money when we're shopping together on stuff we really don't need
Gracie is fun loving and free-spirited but is also manipulative, selfish, damaging and overly dramatic (also like me).
Extremely selfish. It has to be about her ALL the time. Or else.
When Kirsty got back into contact - it was a very haphazard, awkward, jilted, jolted process.
When Gracie got back into contact, it seemed to flow a lot easier. Gracie rang and left a message on my voicemail "Hey you. I know it went to voicemail cos you've blocked me. I get it. I messed up. I'm sorry. Give me a ring back, I miss you"
Bang. Straightforward, honest, raw and straight to the point.
Gracie didn't bring up ALL the hurt, all the pain, all the misery. She didnt cast blame. She didnt try to tell me what to do/what I should be doing/how I'd hurt her or what I'd done wrong in the past. Gracie didnt complicate it. She missed me, so she rang.
Simple.
I really like that.
So I called back.
I found it easier to call Gracie than to call Kirsty because:
1) Even though I blocked them both, Gracie took time to leave a message
2) Gracie accepted blame and apologied. Just like that.
3) Gracie rang and her voice was confident, happy and friendly. I respond to that with warmth. When Kirsty rang, her voice was cold, shaky and confronting. I respond to that in a different way. I backed right off. She scared me.
4) Most important of all, Gracie left a return phone number. If I had a number to return Kirsty's call...not right away...but I would have definitely not left her hanging. I would have attempted it. I didn't have her number, so I couldn't call her. It was that simple.
Gracie picked up on the 3rd ring and her happiness beamed out across the phone lines.
"Janny!"
Oh Lord.
"Gracie" I smiled. I couldn't help myself.
"OMG I've tried for months to get hold of you! I have so much to tell you!"
"Yeah...um...ok?" I said, not really sure of what to say or do
Gracie continued on without any awkward silences or pauses "Listen. I know I hurt you. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. Let's be friends, I miss my Janet. How about pancakes on Saturday morning? You can meet my son! I'm so excited! OMG Janet - he's so cute! You have to hold him! You have to see him! I can't wait to give you a big hug!"
And because she sounded so happy and excited to see me, I found myself saying "Sure. 10am? The Galleria?"
Gracie's throaty laugh over the phone lines.
"Yep cool - see you then"
And I heard her talking to her son "yes yes, I'll feed you soon" and then the dialtone.
Just. Like. That.
She acknowledged what went on. She apologised. She moved on and in doing so - allowed me to freely do the same.
So what do I do with her?
Do I call again and say "actually, no thank you" the way I should have long ago with Kirsty?
Do I leave that fence up?
Is it too late and I've already torn it down by agreeing to meet up?
I really love pancakes, after all :)
Am I setting myself up for more hurt and more heartache?
Gracie left me to die. She literally did just that.
I told her I was going to kill myself and she went shopping.
And now we're meeting for pancakes.
Or are we?
I'm so confused.
And this is why I started this blog saying I'm in love with Gracie becasue I think in a weird way, I am. Being infatuated with someone makes you lose all sense, logic, rhyme and reason. It makes you view that certain someone through rose-coloured glasses and in your eyes, they can do NO WRONG. It makes you do CRAZY things you wouldn't normally do.
When you're in love with someone, you turn yourself inside out for them. You ruin yourself to make them smile. That's just the way it is.
And love - or in this case - pure infatuation - is often not returned. Never equally, anyway.
And I think that's the case with Gracie and I. I think she happened to impulsively call me that morning and that she's probably already forgotten we're meant to meet on Saturday. I think she'll cancel on me last minute the way she has always done in the past. I think my heart leapt at the chance to be with this girl again when my mind knows it will cause me nothing but pain.
I'm addicted to this girl the way someone is addicted to heroin. It feels great at the time but in the end, it destroys you from the inside out.
And you get to a point where you need to make a choice to stop taking heroin.
I think my life is better without Gracie in it and I think she's doing just fine and doesn't "need her Janet" as much as either of us would like to believe.
I'm going to call her and say "no thanks" and deal with the consequences with as much honesty and integrity as I can.
I have to make this choice no matter how hard it is because I live a good life right now.
I dont need the drama Gracie brings with her.
NO to Kirsty and now...NO to Gracie, too.
It's for the best.
Because I think I fall in love with friends the way I fall in love with boys - hard, fast and for life.
And this friend...I'm absolutely crazy about.
I believe I truly am in love with my friend Gracie.
Not in a lesbian way. Just in the way that she's worked her way into my heart and over the years, no matter what she does to break it, I always allow her back in. Willingly.
I love Gracie's fierceness, her determination, that she's not much taller than me but she's as strong as an ox. I love how protective, brave, strong and downright hilarious she is. Gracie is the life of the party and lights up a room just by being in it. It's strange to admit, but I even love Gracie's hands. She has gorgeous olive skin and long, tapered fingers. Her hands are graceful and so delicate, yet really strong. If I could ask God to change my hands, I'd want hands like Gracie. I love that I know if Gracie only had a dollar left in the world and a homeless person asked her for it, she'd give it to them without a moment's hesitation. I love that Gracie uses gift vouchers people have given to her on other people. I love how simply Gracie views the world "if you need it and I can provide it - it's yours".
Isn't that absolutely beautiful?
But the when I texted her on that day in June this year that I was about to kill myself and she texted back "LOL. COOL STORY"
...it was too far.
Too much. Too hurtful. Too selfish. Too flippant.
She really crossed a line when she chose SHOPPING over helping me stay alive.
And I can't go back from that.
At least that's what I told myself back then.
It strikes me today how different things are with Gracie and with Kirsty. And how some things are the same.
For instance, when I'm with both of them, I take on the role of 'big sister'. I listen, I protect, I defend and I encourage. They both need a lot of attention. They both need a lot of reassurance.
That's about where the similarities end though.
With Kirsty:
We met becasue she started to date a boy I had gone on a few dates with. Weird, right? We essentially became friends because of "Ted".
We both have depression/anxiety so she's pretty understanding when I have to 'bail' on meeting up/going to functions/whatever
We both like the same things - colouring in, reading, gardening
When Kirsty feels like she's being hurt - and I want to make this very clear - even if she's WRONG about it- KIRSTY COMES OUT ATTACKING - GUNS BLAZING - AND DOES NOT STOP.
Not until there is NOTHING left.
Extremely toxic. Like...woah.
Manipulative and vengeful
Has a lot of 'tunnel vision' where she will focus in on one very small thing and doesn't often acknowledge the bigger picture or the actual context of things. That is extremely frustrating to deal with.
With Gracie:
We met at Uni and became friends in a more 'natural' way, I guess
I wasn't that interested, she insisted on being closer and 'chased' me in a way. I liked that.
Gracie just comes over. She doesnt text first, there is no planning or negotiating - she's just there
Gracie is impulsive like me - we've often spent waaayyy too much money when we're shopping together on stuff we really don't need
Gracie is fun loving and free-spirited but is also manipulative, selfish, damaging and overly dramatic (also like me).
Extremely selfish. It has to be about her ALL the time. Or else.
When Kirsty got back into contact - it was a very haphazard, awkward, jilted, jolted process.
When Gracie got back into contact, it seemed to flow a lot easier. Gracie rang and left a message on my voicemail "Hey you. I know it went to voicemail cos you've blocked me. I get it. I messed up. I'm sorry. Give me a ring back, I miss you"
Bang. Straightforward, honest, raw and straight to the point.
Gracie didn't bring up ALL the hurt, all the pain, all the misery. She didnt cast blame. She didnt try to tell me what to do/what I should be doing/how I'd hurt her or what I'd done wrong in the past. Gracie didnt complicate it. She missed me, so she rang.
Simple.
I really like that.
So I called back.
I found it easier to call Gracie than to call Kirsty because:
1) Even though I blocked them both, Gracie took time to leave a message
2) Gracie accepted blame and apologied. Just like that.
3) Gracie rang and her voice was confident, happy and friendly. I respond to that with warmth. When Kirsty rang, her voice was cold, shaky and confronting. I respond to that in a different way. I backed right off. She scared me.
4) Most important of all, Gracie left a return phone number. If I had a number to return Kirsty's call...not right away...but I would have definitely not left her hanging. I would have attempted it. I didn't have her number, so I couldn't call her. It was that simple.
Gracie picked up on the 3rd ring and her happiness beamed out across the phone lines.
"Janny!"
Oh Lord.
"Gracie" I smiled. I couldn't help myself.
"OMG I've tried for months to get hold of you! I have so much to tell you!"
"Yeah...um...ok?" I said, not really sure of what to say or do
Gracie continued on without any awkward silences or pauses "Listen. I know I hurt you. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. Let's be friends, I miss my Janet. How about pancakes on Saturday morning? You can meet my son! I'm so excited! OMG Janet - he's so cute! You have to hold him! You have to see him! I can't wait to give you a big hug!"
And because she sounded so happy and excited to see me, I found myself saying "Sure. 10am? The Galleria?"
Gracie's throaty laugh over the phone lines.
"Yep cool - see you then"
And I heard her talking to her son "yes yes, I'll feed you soon" and then the dialtone.
Just. Like. That.
She acknowledged what went on. She apologised. She moved on and in doing so - allowed me to freely do the same.
So what do I do with her?
Do I call again and say "actually, no thank you" the way I should have long ago with Kirsty?
Do I leave that fence up?
Is it too late and I've already torn it down by agreeing to meet up?
I really love pancakes, after all :)
Am I setting myself up for more hurt and more heartache?
Gracie left me to die. She literally did just that.
I told her I was going to kill myself and she went shopping.
And now we're meeting for pancakes.
Or are we?
I'm so confused.
And this is why I started this blog saying I'm in love with Gracie becasue I think in a weird way, I am. Being infatuated with someone makes you lose all sense, logic, rhyme and reason. It makes you view that certain someone through rose-coloured glasses and in your eyes, they can do NO WRONG. It makes you do CRAZY things you wouldn't normally do.
When you're in love with someone, you turn yourself inside out for them. You ruin yourself to make them smile. That's just the way it is.
And love - or in this case - pure infatuation - is often not returned. Never equally, anyway.
And I think that's the case with Gracie and I. I think she happened to impulsively call me that morning and that she's probably already forgotten we're meant to meet on Saturday. I think she'll cancel on me last minute the way she has always done in the past. I think my heart leapt at the chance to be with this girl again when my mind knows it will cause me nothing but pain.
I'm addicted to this girl the way someone is addicted to heroin. It feels great at the time but in the end, it destroys you from the inside out.
And you get to a point where you need to make a choice to stop taking heroin.
I think my life is better without Gracie in it and I think she's doing just fine and doesn't "need her Janet" as much as either of us would like to believe.
I'm going to call her and say "no thanks" and deal with the consequences with as much honesty and integrity as I can.
I have to make this choice no matter how hard it is because I live a good life right now.
I dont need the drama Gracie brings with her.
NO to Kirsty and now...NO to Gracie, too.
It's for the best.
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