I cannot BELIEVE I'm 41 bloody years old as I write today's blog!!!
FORTY BLOODY ONE!!!
Where did time go?
Honestly? Where???
I spent hours and hours in bed last night, going over my life (what I've experienced so far) and wishing with all my might that I could go back and have a 'do over' because I feel like I got so much of it wrong.
The person I am combined with my depression means that I define myself by all the mistakes I made. I remember them all. I struggle when it comes to remembering when I did something great. Isn't that strange?
I have so much regret when it comes to my life. I would like to be sent back to my 13-year-old self but with all the knowledge and experience I have now and get to do it all over again.
This is what I'd do differently:
We went on a family holiday for about 4 months, travelling around the world. I cried and sulked every single day. Why? Because I'd gotten my first ever boyfriend about a few months before we left. I wanted to be home with Stephen. We had all these plans about hanging out "over the summer" and I hated the thought of missing out.
I look back on that now and just shake my head. OMG!!! I'd love to go back and have that time over again and just really LIVE that experience. I'd love to see Europe and the States with fresh, excited eyes. I'd love to take in the Eiffel tower at night in it's glittering glory, to stand on the top of the Empire State building and see that view, to smile as I hear American accents, to delight in the European ones, to hire a bicycle in Amsterdam and go for a ride...all the things I said 'no' to back then, I'd say "yes" to this time. I wouldn't waste such an opportunity crying in a hotel room and wishing I was home.
I don't know how my parents coped, honestly. I must have driven them mad with my 4-month-long sulk. Oh my word.
As for Stephen, he moved away shortly after I got back from holiday - and didn't return any of my heart felt letters. So I'd go back and NOT date him at all.
I wouldn't be missing much.
I'd love to take classes in high school again because it would actually make sense to me now. I love learning! I love class! Back then, I was so worried back about my appearance, about 'being popular', about what everyone would think of me, whether people liked me or not - and so scared about being called "a square" if I got high marks - that I just messed about in class and didn't really learn anything. How fun to go back!!! To be so young, flexible, strong and healthy :) to hang out with my friends and have little to no responsibility...even to just ride my bike to all our nearby beaches again. Can you imagine?
I'd love to go to Church and to Youth Group again every week - to experience that freedom and fun again and know it's just going to get better every day/week/month/year onwards. Wow!
Haha...I'd get to see a young Matthew Jenkins. Woah. I don't know if my heart could handle it. But it would be fun to try it and see, right?
I wouldn't let Anne run rough shod over me in my late teens/early twenties. OH NO YOU DON'T, YOU HORRIBLE PERSON.
Nuh-uh.
No.
I'd NEVER date Gavin. OMG no. I'd save myself about a decade of heart ache. I would see him arrive in Church in his plaid shirt and ripped jeans and I would RUN. I don't care if his impression of me would be "that girl is so rude/stand offish/not welcoming" because that would suit me just fine. It is a million times better than getting involved with him and ultimately living life as if I was in a jail cell for the next 5-6 years.
Would I date Jon again? Marry him? Honestly - I don't know. I loved my life over in the UK. I learnt so much and grew so much but I think I'd just do all of that without being Jonathan's wife. The funny thing is, what I'd probably want to do is join his youth team - but the youth group and then the youth team - began because of me :) so if I didn't marry Jonathan and encourage him to take the position as youth leader - he wouldn't have created "Chill". Because I'm from Australia - Jon decided to recruit youth workers from Australia as helpers for the youth group...so if Jon wasn't married to me back then - maybe he wouldn't have created the same things? Who knows? The youth and being a Youth Pastor has become so much of Jon's heart that maybe it would have happened without my prodding. Only God knows. I would still want to meet Jonathan. I just wouldn't want to marry him.
I'd still want to meet and marry Alun. I thought about it last night and had these awesome plans of travelling back in time and going to Wales to find him. I imagined that if I found Alun earlier - we could spend more of our lives together. I'd love that. But I think about it now and I think we met and married when we were supposed to. We are both older and wiser and we take our marriage more seriously because of what we've each experienced in the past. I don't think I'd want to change that. It surprises me and blesses me how much of my life with Alun I'd keep exactly the same :)
I'd want to spend my 20's doing all the things I really wanted to do. Not being scared. Not holding my tongue. Taking risks, laughing, singing, DOING life with a big smile on my face and not caring as much about what others would think. I'd like to live on my own instead of being tied to boys all the time.
If I could go back and do it all over again, I think I'd still like to live with my friend Christabel - but I'd want us to have a different apartment. A nicer one! I'd like to have a job as well as go to Uni so that way I could afford more than I could the first time around. There were so many times when Christabel and I would open the fridge and there would be nothing in there. The cupboards were so often so bare. I would love to live that over again and not struggle so much. Back then, I was spending all my money on phone cards to call Jonathan. This time, I wouldn't date him and would work instead - having more money to do stuff I really wanted to do.
I wouldn't drop out of Uni! I'd finish it and be the teacher I've always wanted to be. I still want to do this. Even as I write to you...my heart still longs to be a teacher.
I'd obviously invest in Google, Facebook and Bitcoin as soon as they become available to invest in.
I'd apply to buy real estate before the 'boom' hit Perth and sell before the 'slump' arrived.
Woohoo!
Logic and the practice of thankfulness in my life reminds me that I can't go back. As much as I'd LOVE to (and oh my word, you have NO IDEA how much I'd love to have a 'do over') go back and do it all again...I can't. It's never going to happen.
All I can do - is live in the now.
So I look at my life RIGHT NOW - as it is...and you know what? I'm thankful.
I have a good job. I like coming into work. I like being a receptionist. I like being a Facilities manager. This is actually a lot of fun.
I love the little yellow cottage Alun and I bought. Our very first home together. It was so lovely on Friday night to have everyone over for my birthday and show them our home. Everyone commented on how homely, comfortable and beautiful our home is. They all loved the solid jarrah floorboards and the wooden French doors with glass panels.
I love that I'm married RIGHT NOW...to Alun. I love him!!! SO MUCH!!! He's the best person I know and it makes me smile that as I'm typing this blog to you, he's at home on the sofa snoring gently and resting before he starts two weeks of night shift. I love that after this job, I can either go to the gym in the city (what I SHOULD be doing) or I can go straight home (What I'll probably end up doing) to our little cottage. I can water our lovely garden (Alun and I worked over the weekend to weed it, trim it and make it nice again so I actually enjoy being out there now instead of hating it and getting stressed over all the work it needed). I can make some tea (something healthy) and watch telly on our big-ass screen in our beautiful open-plan living room.
I'm very fat and I don't look the way I want to - but I can change that. I can lose weight!
I regret a lof of my past, but thanks to God - my NOW looks pretty awesome.
I get along with my parents, I have the world's best people as my friends, I have a job, food in the cupboards, money in my bank account, I'm generally pretty healthy...and I can change that and improve it any time I want to! I am loved by the best person I know. I am not alone. I am happy.
Life is good and I am blessed.
Thank you, Father God xx
FORTY BLOODY ONE!!!
Where did time go?
Honestly? Where???
I spent hours and hours in bed last night, going over my life (what I've experienced so far) and wishing with all my might that I could go back and have a 'do over' because I feel like I got so much of it wrong.
The person I am combined with my depression means that I define myself by all the mistakes I made. I remember them all. I struggle when it comes to remembering when I did something great. Isn't that strange?
I have so much regret when it comes to my life. I would like to be sent back to my 13-year-old self but with all the knowledge and experience I have now and get to do it all over again.
This is what I'd do differently:
We went on a family holiday for about 4 months, travelling around the world. I cried and sulked every single day. Why? Because I'd gotten my first ever boyfriend about a few months before we left. I wanted to be home with Stephen. We had all these plans about hanging out "over the summer" and I hated the thought of missing out.
I look back on that now and just shake my head. OMG!!! I'd love to go back and have that time over again and just really LIVE that experience. I'd love to see Europe and the States with fresh, excited eyes. I'd love to take in the Eiffel tower at night in it's glittering glory, to stand on the top of the Empire State building and see that view, to smile as I hear American accents, to delight in the European ones, to hire a bicycle in Amsterdam and go for a ride...all the things I said 'no' to back then, I'd say "yes" to this time. I wouldn't waste such an opportunity crying in a hotel room and wishing I was home.
I don't know how my parents coped, honestly. I must have driven them mad with my 4-month-long sulk. Oh my word.
As for Stephen, he moved away shortly after I got back from holiday - and didn't return any of my heart felt letters. So I'd go back and NOT date him at all.
I wouldn't be missing much.
I'd love to take classes in high school again because it would actually make sense to me now. I love learning! I love class! Back then, I was so worried back about my appearance, about 'being popular', about what everyone would think of me, whether people liked me or not - and so scared about being called "a square" if I got high marks - that I just messed about in class and didn't really learn anything. How fun to go back!!! To be so young, flexible, strong and healthy :) to hang out with my friends and have little to no responsibility...even to just ride my bike to all our nearby beaches again. Can you imagine?
I'd love to go to Church and to Youth Group again every week - to experience that freedom and fun again and know it's just going to get better every day/week/month/year onwards. Wow!
Haha...I'd get to see a young Matthew Jenkins. Woah. I don't know if my heart could handle it. But it would be fun to try it and see, right?
I wouldn't let Anne run rough shod over me in my late teens/early twenties. OH NO YOU DON'T, YOU HORRIBLE PERSON.
Nuh-uh.
No.
I'd NEVER date Gavin. OMG no. I'd save myself about a decade of heart ache. I would see him arrive in Church in his plaid shirt and ripped jeans and I would RUN. I don't care if his impression of me would be "that girl is so rude/stand offish/not welcoming" because that would suit me just fine. It is a million times better than getting involved with him and ultimately living life as if I was in a jail cell for the next 5-6 years.
Would I date Jon again? Marry him? Honestly - I don't know. I loved my life over in the UK. I learnt so much and grew so much but I think I'd just do all of that without being Jonathan's wife. The funny thing is, what I'd probably want to do is join his youth team - but the youth group and then the youth team - began because of me :) so if I didn't marry Jonathan and encourage him to take the position as youth leader - he wouldn't have created "Chill". Because I'm from Australia - Jon decided to recruit youth workers from Australia as helpers for the youth group...so if Jon wasn't married to me back then - maybe he wouldn't have created the same things? Who knows? The youth and being a Youth Pastor has become so much of Jon's heart that maybe it would have happened without my prodding. Only God knows. I would still want to meet Jonathan. I just wouldn't want to marry him.
I'd still want to meet and marry Alun. I thought about it last night and had these awesome plans of travelling back in time and going to Wales to find him. I imagined that if I found Alun earlier - we could spend more of our lives together. I'd love that. But I think about it now and I think we met and married when we were supposed to. We are both older and wiser and we take our marriage more seriously because of what we've each experienced in the past. I don't think I'd want to change that. It surprises me and blesses me how much of my life with Alun I'd keep exactly the same :)
I'd want to spend my 20's doing all the things I really wanted to do. Not being scared. Not holding my tongue. Taking risks, laughing, singing, DOING life with a big smile on my face and not caring as much about what others would think. I'd like to live on my own instead of being tied to boys all the time.
If I could go back and do it all over again, I think I'd still like to live with my friend Christabel - but I'd want us to have a different apartment. A nicer one! I'd like to have a job as well as go to Uni so that way I could afford more than I could the first time around. There were so many times when Christabel and I would open the fridge and there would be nothing in there. The cupboards were so often so bare. I would love to live that over again and not struggle so much. Back then, I was spending all my money on phone cards to call Jonathan. This time, I wouldn't date him and would work instead - having more money to do stuff I really wanted to do.
I wouldn't drop out of Uni! I'd finish it and be the teacher I've always wanted to be. I still want to do this. Even as I write to you...my heart still longs to be a teacher.
I'd obviously invest in Google, Facebook and Bitcoin as soon as they become available to invest in.
I'd apply to buy real estate before the 'boom' hit Perth and sell before the 'slump' arrived.
Woohoo!
Logic and the practice of thankfulness in my life reminds me that I can't go back. As much as I'd LOVE to (and oh my word, you have NO IDEA how much I'd love to have a 'do over') go back and do it all again...I can't. It's never going to happen.
All I can do - is live in the now.
So I look at my life RIGHT NOW - as it is...and you know what? I'm thankful.
I have a good job. I like coming into work. I like being a receptionist. I like being a Facilities manager. This is actually a lot of fun.
I love the little yellow cottage Alun and I bought. Our very first home together. It was so lovely on Friday night to have everyone over for my birthday and show them our home. Everyone commented on how homely, comfortable and beautiful our home is. They all loved the solid jarrah floorboards and the wooden French doors with glass panels.
I love that I'm married RIGHT NOW...to Alun. I love him!!! SO MUCH!!! He's the best person I know and it makes me smile that as I'm typing this blog to you, he's at home on the sofa snoring gently and resting before he starts two weeks of night shift. I love that after this job, I can either go to the gym in the city (what I SHOULD be doing) or I can go straight home (What I'll probably end up doing) to our little cottage. I can water our lovely garden (Alun and I worked over the weekend to weed it, trim it and make it nice again so I actually enjoy being out there now instead of hating it and getting stressed over all the work it needed). I can make some tea (something healthy) and watch telly on our big-ass screen in our beautiful open-plan living room.
I'm very fat and I don't look the way I want to - but I can change that. I can lose weight!
I regret a lof of my past, but thanks to God - my NOW looks pretty awesome.
I get along with my parents, I have the world's best people as my friends, I have a job, food in the cupboards, money in my bank account, I'm generally pretty healthy...and I can change that and improve it any time I want to! I am loved by the best person I know. I am not alone. I am happy.
Life is good and I am blessed.
Thank you, Father God xx
Comments
Post a Comment