For the most part, I am a woman of integrity and honesty.
I tell the truth even if it costs me. Even if it hurts.
It's better than having to remember all the lying. I have learnt that at last. Lol.
But the other day here at work? I don't know what overcame me but I told some doozies.
First - Paul. He is a very fidgety man. He is always stressed and some part of his body is always shaking. He is our records manager and he is meticulous, hard-working and from what I've seen of him - dependable. He seems to be a nice guy. A nervous, jittery sort...but nice, nonetheless. The only thing is, he smells. Awful.
So whenever he comes to visit in the section I sit in, the girls around me roll their eyes. Some are outright rude to him. It hurts my heart to see him treated so badly so I go out of my way to be kind to him. I've learnt to hold my breath.
Then, Ima...one of the people that is most rude to him is my ex-friend Ima. I say 'ex friend' because of that debacle I wrote about on another blog post of mine. She basically left me to fend for myself when I was going through a hard time here at work so I have ruled her out as a friend. We still get along and we chat in the kitchen but I hold her at a distance. With good reason. A few months back, Ima was especially rude to Paul. "Just go away!" Paul looked so heartbroken. I suspect he has a bit of a crush on Ima because she's actually really beautiful. She has never worn makeup but looks as if 10 stylists have done something to her face - something subtle and lovely. She's so blessed to naturally look the way she does. I'm so jealous.
Anyway.
Paul walked off with his head down and Ima seemed to take the anger out on her keyboard, banging away at it mercilessly and muttering away to herself with a big frown on her face.
I don't know why, but she got up after a few minutes and walked over to my desk. "I don't know how he thinks he can talk to me" she muttered. "He shouldn't talk to me or even look at me!" Then Ima said something I'll never forget. She said "Paul should know his place, Janet"
I've never heard that before "know his place" and it struck me as something powerful. It also broke my heart because I don't think we should think ourselves 'above' others, really. It bothered me. Who does Ima think she is that Paul should "know his place"? Is she somehow above him? Better than him? I didn't say anything at the time and Ima was distracted and flounced off but it stayed with me.
Also - Jil. She is a manager here at my work and we formed an instant connection. The thing is, Jil is a very secretive person. She doesn't talk to me in front of anyone but she texts/calls/emails and messages as if we're the best of friends. The last 3 occasions when Jil has asked me to lunch (I was delighted), we arranged to meet at the lifts in our work lobby and each time, Jil has 'jokingly' greeted me (and raised her voice so everyone could hear) with "Hey, what are you doing here?" - like she wanted to keep our lunch together a secret and pretended to be surprised I was going out at the same time she was. That doesn't sit well with me. Too much of an echo of Anne. Little alarm bells were going off in me but I have ignored them because for the most part, Jil is turning out to be a good friend. She checks in on me always, takes my side when I complain to her and has even sent me home early from work a few times when I've been really down or upset. Maybe she's just more private about friendships than I am sot that's why she tries to hide it? I don't know. But yeah - this 'red flag' with Jil stuck in my mind and heart, too.
(yeah bear with me on this blog, I know I'm talking a lot about nothing but it will hopefully make sense to you in the end).
The other day, Jil and I were at lunch. She paid. She's always generous like that. We got served our meals and I thanked her for buying my chicken terriyaki.
"You should be paying for me" Jil laughed.
"Why?"
"Because it was my birthday last week and you forgot!" Jil winked and unwrapped her cutlery from the napkin they were folded into.
I was appalled. Especially after my mind flashed back to my birthday when Jil had spent a fortune on gifts, a special birthday cake and decorations for my desk.
Oh no. How could this be? I should have asked.
Mentally, I was flicking through the last week, searching for any clues. Had there been a cake? We always celebrate in our office with a morning tea - had I been away and missed it?
"Did you have a party? Did you tell anyone at work?" I asked.
Jil was distracted and was staring out the window.
"Hey you" I playfully nudged her.
"Huh?" she asked, putting a spoonful of rice into her mouth.
"Your birthday. Who else knew?"
"It's no big deal" Jil seemed to want to move past this. Quickly. "No one knew. I just had dinner with my family. Hey, did you see that new tradie in our office? So hot"
And we moved on.
But when we got back to our office, I sent out a 'secret' email to all the staff, asking them to help me celebrate Jil's belated birthday. "I know this is last minute" I wrote "so you don't have to bring anything, I'll supply cakes - let's just meet up to make a fuss of Jil tomorrow morning". Seconds after I hit 'send' on my emails, I got 'pings' in response "Don't be silly - we'll bring stuff, too - we'll help"
Bless. I work with such a good bunch of people.
Fast forward to the next day - and I'm walking out of Woolies struggling with bags of food, a bouquet of expensive flowers, a birthday card for everyone to sign and colourful banners and streamers. Already, I'm counting in my head how many cakes I've got, how many people they will satisfy and wondering where I could get 'gluten free' snacks when my phone rings.
Jil's name flashes up on my screen.
Balancing the groceries all in one hand, I swipe across to answer.
Jil: *laughing* Omg Janet. Someone just told me you're having morning tea for me. It's not my birthday!
In my rush to cross the street and not drop any of the many things I was carrying. I didn't register right away.
"Huh?"
"It's not my birthday, you goof!" Jil repeated.
"But you said..."
"I know, I know - I was just messing about" Jil was still laughing "It's not my birthday until October. Whoops"
Immediate RAGE on my end.
"YOU DID WHAT?!?" I was still struggling with my packages and my brain hadn't wrapped itself around the concept of not actually needed them anymore.
"I know - you're p*ssed, right? Sorry, my friend. Love yoooouuu!" and with that, Jil hung up.
I stood in the street - in the rain - with my bags and packages and felt as if the floor had been taken out from under me.
Who lies about it being their birthday?
How is that a funny joke?
I got into the office and could almost feel 'steam' coming off me in waves. Jil met me at the lifts with a big hug.
"You still love me, hey?"
"I don't" I growled "You're horrible"
Jil hugged me again "You'll get over it. We'll laugh about this together and find it hysterical once you calm down"
But Jil...I spent over $100 preparing for this!!!
Girls around the office greeted me with a smile "Haha Janet" "Lol" "so funny" and I felt honestly as if they were laughing at me.
"Janet you idiot"
I went to the kitchen to unpack the groceries, gifts and decorations I had bought. I was so angry! I felt like Jil had made a complete fool out of me and that the rest of the office was laughing at me.
Jil came into the kitchen and put her arm around me "Are we friends again or are you still really angry?"
I frowned "Too soon, Jil"
Jil laughed "Come on, it is a bit funny"
I shook my head "What am I going to do with all this food? And I bought you flowers!" at the last word, my voice cracked and tears came to my eyes.
Bravo, Jil. You've really had a good laugh at my literal expense. Well done.
"In my defence, I told you yesterday before you left for home that I was joking"
No she had NOT. I would have remembered that.
"I did" Jil protested "I said to you just as the lift doors closed on you - it's not my birthday - you dork!"
I can promise you - that did not happen.
Jil hugged me again. "I hope you'll be my friend again soon. I don't want to lose you" and she was gone.
I WAS FURIOUS.
I was so hurt and so angry about it. Maybe too angry. All the lies and deciet from my past with Anne hit me at full force. It almost knocked the wind out of me. Jil had lied and now wasn't even accepting the blame for it - she was lying again and saying she had told me it wasn't her birthday.
Very long story short, we had afternoon tea anyway. The others had baked especially for "Jil's party" and it had been a long week so we all liked having cups of tea and cakes together.
But the hurt from the past (Anne) and the hurt from that day was still fresh on my mind and on my heart.
I excused myself and walked to the other end of the building where my friend Tamara sits - on her own, bless her. She is an accountant and sits seperately to the HR/Recruitment team. I kind of like that she sets herself apart from 'the drama'.
I seated myself heavily in the chair next to hers and sighed.
"What's happened?" Tamara asked.
I told her.
"that BITCH!" Tamara shouted.
I instantly looked around, worried someone had heard.
"Tamara! Shh!" I was alarmed
"No!" Tamara was angry "What she did was low key disgusting. You spent all that money! Who jokes about their birthday for f**ks sake? That's just stupid. And then to not take the blame and say she told you it was a joke? That's wrong"
And some part of me enjoyed this - felt supported and validated because someone else was seeing the injustice.
I got back to my desk and checked emails - only noticing one from Jil from earlier that morning to the entire recruitment team - adding me in. In it, she accepted all the blame for the 'belated birthday morning tea'. She apologised to me in it and to everyone who had baked and brought things. Unlike Anne, Jil 'owned up' to what she did.
That really blessed me.
I wiped tears of gratefulness away and jumped onto our work instant messenger.
"just saw your email" I messaged Jil.
"About time" came the instant response.
"Nicely done, Jil" I added a smiley face.
"Hey, check your back pocket" Jil messaged
Frowning, I dug my hand into the back pocket of my jeans. Inside, Jil had slipped (how did she do it without me knowing?) 2 folded $50 notes. The exact amount of money I had spent on her fake birthday.
"I can't accept this" I typed - hoping I could accept it, and already putting the notes back into my pocket.
"yes you can" pinged the response "...I'd pay you every week just to keep you as a friend. You mean the world to me" Jil typed.
Oh Jil. Bless you.
"So" my messenger ap pinged again "Are you back to loving me now? Huh?" Jil asked - adding a love heart
I rolled my eyes.
"Okay. sure" I typed.
But I had just bagged her out with Tamara.
Oh no.
Tamara now thinks Jil is a bitch and I did that.
In that same afternoon, I was mulling over how to 'fix things' with Tamara - how to tell her I was wrong about Jil and that she'd done her best to make it up to me for what had happened. I was photocopying but not really paying attention.
Paul walked in.
"Ima is a bitch" he said, lining up papers in the printing drawer.
I wasn't thinking straight. I was in the world of my own. Even so, I have no excuse for what I did next.
"She said you should know your place, Paul"
Oh Lord. I had said it out loud.
"SHE F**KING WHAT?!?" Paul shouted. His face lost all colour.
Oh no. I've done it now.
Why JD?!? Why can't you keep your big mouth shut?
I shook my head and tried to back-pedal "Nevermind. Don't listen to me"
But Paul was shaking.
"Who the f**k does she think she is?!?" he was really hurt and really angry.
Something in me wanted Paul to be mad at Ima. I was mad at her for being so 'high and mighty'. I was hurt over the way she had abandoned me earlier and that's why we weren't friends anymore. I was hurting and angry with Ima and something in me didn't want to be on my own in that thinking.
"It wasn't nice" I admitted
"I'm going to f**king complain" Paul was wound up.
Uh oh.
"Wait...you just need to calm down" I tried to reassure him.
Oh crap. He's going to take this higher. This is all my fault.
"She's so rude and so mean - this can't be allowed to go on. I'm going to speak to Managers about this"
Oh no.
And I can't believe this next part, but I just let it be. I figured if it was all going to blow up, then so be it. So I left Paul stewing in the copy room and went back to work.
To my complete shock and surprise, I wasn't finished.
No. I was "on a roll" now and wanted to keep being destructive.
WHO AM I?
I had called a meeting with my new boss "Sally" to re-dress the balance. She talked all of last meeting so I thought it was time to take control and set things right. Sally is under the impression that I "dont do anything" here at work and I work so hard! I had to make sure she knew what I do. So I set up an appointment in our calendars, silently cheered when it was accepted by Sally without question and prepared myself for the 'take down'.
Yeah boy.
I am badass.
In my mind - I told Sally how hard I worked, I outlined the many, MANY things I do here at work and I had her apologising and thoroughly impressed by the end of the meeting. There would be confetti falling from the ceiling, an awesome dramatised 'mic drop' and I would moonwalk smoothly out of the meeting room - leaving Sally in shock and awe.
Just.
So.
Cool.
The reality? I was shaking before the meeting began.
Calm down, JD. Take some deep breaths. You will be okay.
Sally arrived exactly on time. At first, the meeting went exactly as planned. I outlined a few of the tasks I do on a daily basis.
"Wow. I had no idea" Sally admitted.
Yes. This was all going so well.
"I just need you to know I'm not messing about. I know it looks as if I'm wandering about just chatting to staff and eating biscuits all day, but I'm actually working very, very hard"
"I can see that" Sally nodded "I see evidence of your hard work in how smoothly the office runs. You're doing a great job"
Look at me go :)
But then, it all started going haywire.
I lost all professionalism when I admitted I worried that Sally might think I had 'cheated' on my timesheet and claimed for time I didn't work.
"I don't go on 3-hour lunches and claim them as work time, I don't want you to think I'm somehow stealing from the office" I joked. I was feeling giddy at how well it was all going and letting my walls down. I was talking too much and too freely and I should have known it would all go to poo.
Sally reacted swifty and with a heated vengence. She shouted at the top of her lungs "Now hold on a minute. Don't you DARE put words in my mouth, Janet! Don't ever tell me what I think you're doing - have the courage and decency to ask me before you accuse me of thinking you're stealing from this company!!!"
Wait.
What?
I was so confused.
How had this gone so wrong?
Sally was so angry she was shaking.
"Three things really p*ss me off" she said, rising slightly from her seat and leaning in to me so that our faces were only inches apart "Lying, bullying and trying to tell me what I think when you have no f**king right"
Um...ok?
"So you've pressed a button there with me and I'm really, really angry. I'm offended. How f**king dare you?!?"
Oh Crap. What have I done? I was really confused and now - really scared.
Sally was LIVID.
"I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth, I was just trying to -"
"No you WERE!" Sally was shouting again "Don't f**king do it, I hate it!"
I was scared and upset. I was so confused. What was going on?
Tears sprung to my eyes because now I was getting upset that I was being accused of something I hadn't done.
"You're getting angry at me but I don't think you realise that -" I tried to explain that I wasn't meaning at all to be offensive, I was just trying to tell her I wasn't knowingly filling out my timesheets incorrectly.
"Don't tell me what I do and don't realise!!! HOW DARE YOU?"
Oh Lord.
She was on a bender now and was getting more livid by the minute.
For some reason, this reminded me of every fight I've had with my Dad - because he gets so angry with me for things I didn't know about and often things that weren't in my control. I always feel confused and attacked without reason when Dad yells at me and this felt uncomfortably familiar.
"You're just like my Dad" I burst out.
Oh No. JD. You didn't just say that - did you?
I did, though.
Sally blinked.
"You what?"
"My Dad" I mumbled "He yells at me for things I didn't mean to do or say and I get so confused because in his head I've attacked him or offended him but often times, I haven't said anything at all - I have to tread carefully around him because he's like a time bomb and can go off at any time"
Sally instantly calmed down. She sat back in her chair and breathed in and out slowly.
"My ex used to do that with me" she finally said.
Ok. This was getting very weird.
"Um...what?" I whispered - wondering if I'd somehow crossed a time dimension of some kind and had completely left reality.
"I had no scars or bruises but he battered me with psychological bullying. He would yell at me and put me down and I had no idea which way was up anymore" Sally bit her lip "So I know what you mean with your Dad".
Ah.
Okay. Not any less weird but at least she wasn't yelling at me anymore.
Sally reached out and patted my arm gently "You can't let him rule your life, Janet - you have to break away"
Well. This was getting out of hand.
But I didn't put it right. I didn't say "Okay, let's focus and talk about work things rather than personal issues". I was so relieved not to be yelled at anymore and so upset and confused that I spent the next hour crying, nodding and agreeing with Sally that my Dad was indeed "power hungry" (?), "cruel" (God help me) and "incredibly toxic". I made up lies that seemed to please Sally and now my Dad was living with Alun and I but ordering me around.
Oh my word.
Why did I do that?
We both cried (God help us), we both talked about "suffering" and Sally hugged me as we were leaving the meeting room and said to take the rest of the day off.
What on earth?
I didn't sleep that night. I don't know if it was real or just my mind playing tricks on me, but I felt like I'd removed myself from God. I had let Him down and let myself down by being someone who stirred up trouble in the workplace rather than bringing peace. I lied about my Dad. Why did I do that???
That's not who I am. I saw the effects of Anne causing disention (sp?) and I swore I would never be that person - and now here I was - causing people to think badly of others when I should have kept my big mouth shut.
I'm going straight to hell for this. I'm sure of it.
I tell the truth even if it costs me. Even if it hurts.
It's better than having to remember all the lying. I have learnt that at last. Lol.
But the other day here at work? I don't know what overcame me but I told some doozies.
First - Paul. He is a very fidgety man. He is always stressed and some part of his body is always shaking. He is our records manager and he is meticulous, hard-working and from what I've seen of him - dependable. He seems to be a nice guy. A nervous, jittery sort...but nice, nonetheless. The only thing is, he smells. Awful.
So whenever he comes to visit in the section I sit in, the girls around me roll their eyes. Some are outright rude to him. It hurts my heart to see him treated so badly so I go out of my way to be kind to him. I've learnt to hold my breath.
Then, Ima...one of the people that is most rude to him is my ex-friend Ima. I say 'ex friend' because of that debacle I wrote about on another blog post of mine. She basically left me to fend for myself when I was going through a hard time here at work so I have ruled her out as a friend. We still get along and we chat in the kitchen but I hold her at a distance. With good reason. A few months back, Ima was especially rude to Paul. "Just go away!" Paul looked so heartbroken. I suspect he has a bit of a crush on Ima because she's actually really beautiful. She has never worn makeup but looks as if 10 stylists have done something to her face - something subtle and lovely. She's so blessed to naturally look the way she does. I'm so jealous.
Anyway.
Paul walked off with his head down and Ima seemed to take the anger out on her keyboard, banging away at it mercilessly and muttering away to herself with a big frown on her face.
I don't know why, but she got up after a few minutes and walked over to my desk. "I don't know how he thinks he can talk to me" she muttered. "He shouldn't talk to me or even look at me!" Then Ima said something I'll never forget. She said "Paul should know his place, Janet"
I've never heard that before "know his place" and it struck me as something powerful. It also broke my heart because I don't think we should think ourselves 'above' others, really. It bothered me. Who does Ima think she is that Paul should "know his place"? Is she somehow above him? Better than him? I didn't say anything at the time and Ima was distracted and flounced off but it stayed with me.
Also - Jil. She is a manager here at my work and we formed an instant connection. The thing is, Jil is a very secretive person. She doesn't talk to me in front of anyone but she texts/calls/emails and messages as if we're the best of friends. The last 3 occasions when Jil has asked me to lunch (I was delighted), we arranged to meet at the lifts in our work lobby and each time, Jil has 'jokingly' greeted me (and raised her voice so everyone could hear) with "Hey, what are you doing here?" - like she wanted to keep our lunch together a secret and pretended to be surprised I was going out at the same time she was. That doesn't sit well with me. Too much of an echo of Anne. Little alarm bells were going off in me but I have ignored them because for the most part, Jil is turning out to be a good friend. She checks in on me always, takes my side when I complain to her and has even sent me home early from work a few times when I've been really down or upset. Maybe she's just more private about friendships than I am sot that's why she tries to hide it? I don't know. But yeah - this 'red flag' with Jil stuck in my mind and heart, too.
(yeah bear with me on this blog, I know I'm talking a lot about nothing but it will hopefully make sense to you in the end).
The other day, Jil and I were at lunch. She paid. She's always generous like that. We got served our meals and I thanked her for buying my chicken terriyaki.
"You should be paying for me" Jil laughed.
"Why?"
"Because it was my birthday last week and you forgot!" Jil winked and unwrapped her cutlery from the napkin they were folded into.
I was appalled. Especially after my mind flashed back to my birthday when Jil had spent a fortune on gifts, a special birthday cake and decorations for my desk.
Oh no. How could this be? I should have asked.
Mentally, I was flicking through the last week, searching for any clues. Had there been a cake? We always celebrate in our office with a morning tea - had I been away and missed it?
"Did you have a party? Did you tell anyone at work?" I asked.
Jil was distracted and was staring out the window.
"Hey you" I playfully nudged her.
"Huh?" she asked, putting a spoonful of rice into her mouth.
"Your birthday. Who else knew?"
"It's no big deal" Jil seemed to want to move past this. Quickly. "No one knew. I just had dinner with my family. Hey, did you see that new tradie in our office? So hot"
And we moved on.
But when we got back to our office, I sent out a 'secret' email to all the staff, asking them to help me celebrate Jil's belated birthday. "I know this is last minute" I wrote "so you don't have to bring anything, I'll supply cakes - let's just meet up to make a fuss of Jil tomorrow morning". Seconds after I hit 'send' on my emails, I got 'pings' in response "Don't be silly - we'll bring stuff, too - we'll help"
Bless. I work with such a good bunch of people.
Fast forward to the next day - and I'm walking out of Woolies struggling with bags of food, a bouquet of expensive flowers, a birthday card for everyone to sign and colourful banners and streamers. Already, I'm counting in my head how many cakes I've got, how many people they will satisfy and wondering where I could get 'gluten free' snacks when my phone rings.
Jil's name flashes up on my screen.
Balancing the groceries all in one hand, I swipe across to answer.
Jil: *laughing* Omg Janet. Someone just told me you're having morning tea for me. It's not my birthday!
In my rush to cross the street and not drop any of the many things I was carrying. I didn't register right away.
"Huh?"
"It's not my birthday, you goof!" Jil repeated.
"But you said..."
"I know, I know - I was just messing about" Jil was still laughing "It's not my birthday until October. Whoops"
Immediate RAGE on my end.
"YOU DID WHAT?!?" I was still struggling with my packages and my brain hadn't wrapped itself around the concept of not actually needed them anymore.
"I know - you're p*ssed, right? Sorry, my friend. Love yoooouuu!" and with that, Jil hung up.
I stood in the street - in the rain - with my bags and packages and felt as if the floor had been taken out from under me.
Who lies about it being their birthday?
How is that a funny joke?
I got into the office and could almost feel 'steam' coming off me in waves. Jil met me at the lifts with a big hug.
"You still love me, hey?"
"I don't" I growled "You're horrible"
Jil hugged me again "You'll get over it. We'll laugh about this together and find it hysterical once you calm down"
But Jil...I spent over $100 preparing for this!!!
Girls around the office greeted me with a smile "Haha Janet" "Lol" "so funny" and I felt honestly as if they were laughing at me.
"Janet you idiot"
I went to the kitchen to unpack the groceries, gifts and decorations I had bought. I was so angry! I felt like Jil had made a complete fool out of me and that the rest of the office was laughing at me.
Jil came into the kitchen and put her arm around me "Are we friends again or are you still really angry?"
I frowned "Too soon, Jil"
Jil laughed "Come on, it is a bit funny"
I shook my head "What am I going to do with all this food? And I bought you flowers!" at the last word, my voice cracked and tears came to my eyes.
Bravo, Jil. You've really had a good laugh at my literal expense. Well done.
"In my defence, I told you yesterday before you left for home that I was joking"
No she had NOT. I would have remembered that.
"I did" Jil protested "I said to you just as the lift doors closed on you - it's not my birthday - you dork!"
I can promise you - that did not happen.
Jil hugged me again. "I hope you'll be my friend again soon. I don't want to lose you" and she was gone.
I WAS FURIOUS.
I was so hurt and so angry about it. Maybe too angry. All the lies and deciet from my past with Anne hit me at full force. It almost knocked the wind out of me. Jil had lied and now wasn't even accepting the blame for it - she was lying again and saying she had told me it wasn't her birthday.
Very long story short, we had afternoon tea anyway. The others had baked especially for "Jil's party" and it had been a long week so we all liked having cups of tea and cakes together.
But the hurt from the past (Anne) and the hurt from that day was still fresh on my mind and on my heart.
I excused myself and walked to the other end of the building where my friend Tamara sits - on her own, bless her. She is an accountant and sits seperately to the HR/Recruitment team. I kind of like that she sets herself apart from 'the drama'.
I seated myself heavily in the chair next to hers and sighed.
"What's happened?" Tamara asked.
I told her.
"that BITCH!" Tamara shouted.
I instantly looked around, worried someone had heard.
"Tamara! Shh!" I was alarmed
"No!" Tamara was angry "What she did was low key disgusting. You spent all that money! Who jokes about their birthday for f**ks sake? That's just stupid. And then to not take the blame and say she told you it was a joke? That's wrong"
And some part of me enjoyed this - felt supported and validated because someone else was seeing the injustice.
I got back to my desk and checked emails - only noticing one from Jil from earlier that morning to the entire recruitment team - adding me in. In it, she accepted all the blame for the 'belated birthday morning tea'. She apologised to me in it and to everyone who had baked and brought things. Unlike Anne, Jil 'owned up' to what she did.
That really blessed me.
I wiped tears of gratefulness away and jumped onto our work instant messenger.
"just saw your email" I messaged Jil.
"About time" came the instant response.
"Nicely done, Jil" I added a smiley face.
"Hey, check your back pocket" Jil messaged
Frowning, I dug my hand into the back pocket of my jeans. Inside, Jil had slipped (how did she do it without me knowing?) 2 folded $50 notes. The exact amount of money I had spent on her fake birthday.
"I can't accept this" I typed - hoping I could accept it, and already putting the notes back into my pocket.
"yes you can" pinged the response "...I'd pay you every week just to keep you as a friend. You mean the world to me" Jil typed.
Oh Jil. Bless you.
"So" my messenger ap pinged again "Are you back to loving me now? Huh?" Jil asked - adding a love heart
I rolled my eyes.
"Okay. sure" I typed.
But I had just bagged her out with Tamara.
Oh no.
Tamara now thinks Jil is a bitch and I did that.
In that same afternoon, I was mulling over how to 'fix things' with Tamara - how to tell her I was wrong about Jil and that she'd done her best to make it up to me for what had happened. I was photocopying but not really paying attention.
Paul walked in.
"Ima is a bitch" he said, lining up papers in the printing drawer.
I wasn't thinking straight. I was in the world of my own. Even so, I have no excuse for what I did next.
"She said you should know your place, Paul"
Oh Lord. I had said it out loud.
"SHE F**KING WHAT?!?" Paul shouted. His face lost all colour.
Oh no. I've done it now.
Why JD?!? Why can't you keep your big mouth shut?
I shook my head and tried to back-pedal "Nevermind. Don't listen to me"
But Paul was shaking.
"Who the f**k does she think she is?!?" he was really hurt and really angry.
Something in me wanted Paul to be mad at Ima. I was mad at her for being so 'high and mighty'. I was hurt over the way she had abandoned me earlier and that's why we weren't friends anymore. I was hurting and angry with Ima and something in me didn't want to be on my own in that thinking.
"It wasn't nice" I admitted
"I'm going to f**king complain" Paul was wound up.
Uh oh.
"Wait...you just need to calm down" I tried to reassure him.
Oh crap. He's going to take this higher. This is all my fault.
"She's so rude and so mean - this can't be allowed to go on. I'm going to speak to Managers about this"
Oh no.
And I can't believe this next part, but I just let it be. I figured if it was all going to blow up, then so be it. So I left Paul stewing in the copy room and went back to work.
To my complete shock and surprise, I wasn't finished.
No. I was "on a roll" now and wanted to keep being destructive.
WHO AM I?
I had called a meeting with my new boss "Sally" to re-dress the balance. She talked all of last meeting so I thought it was time to take control and set things right. Sally is under the impression that I "dont do anything" here at work and I work so hard! I had to make sure she knew what I do. So I set up an appointment in our calendars, silently cheered when it was accepted by Sally without question and prepared myself for the 'take down'.
Yeah boy.
I am badass.
In my mind - I told Sally how hard I worked, I outlined the many, MANY things I do here at work and I had her apologising and thoroughly impressed by the end of the meeting. There would be confetti falling from the ceiling, an awesome dramatised 'mic drop' and I would moonwalk smoothly out of the meeting room - leaving Sally in shock and awe.
Just.
So.
Cool.
The reality? I was shaking before the meeting began.
Calm down, JD. Take some deep breaths. You will be okay.
Sally arrived exactly on time. At first, the meeting went exactly as planned. I outlined a few of the tasks I do on a daily basis.
"Wow. I had no idea" Sally admitted.
Yes. This was all going so well.
"I just need you to know I'm not messing about. I know it looks as if I'm wandering about just chatting to staff and eating biscuits all day, but I'm actually working very, very hard"
"I can see that" Sally nodded "I see evidence of your hard work in how smoothly the office runs. You're doing a great job"
Look at me go :)
But then, it all started going haywire.
I lost all professionalism when I admitted I worried that Sally might think I had 'cheated' on my timesheet and claimed for time I didn't work.
"I don't go on 3-hour lunches and claim them as work time, I don't want you to think I'm somehow stealing from the office" I joked. I was feeling giddy at how well it was all going and letting my walls down. I was talking too much and too freely and I should have known it would all go to poo.
Sally reacted swifty and with a heated vengence. She shouted at the top of her lungs "Now hold on a minute. Don't you DARE put words in my mouth, Janet! Don't ever tell me what I think you're doing - have the courage and decency to ask me before you accuse me of thinking you're stealing from this company!!!"
Wait.
What?
I was so confused.
How had this gone so wrong?
Sally was so angry she was shaking.
"Three things really p*ss me off" she said, rising slightly from her seat and leaning in to me so that our faces were only inches apart "Lying, bullying and trying to tell me what I think when you have no f**king right"
Um...ok?
"So you've pressed a button there with me and I'm really, really angry. I'm offended. How f**king dare you?!?"
Oh Crap. What have I done? I was really confused and now - really scared.
Sally was LIVID.
"I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth, I was just trying to -"
"No you WERE!" Sally was shouting again "Don't f**king do it, I hate it!"
I was scared and upset. I was so confused. What was going on?
Tears sprung to my eyes because now I was getting upset that I was being accused of something I hadn't done.
"You're getting angry at me but I don't think you realise that -" I tried to explain that I wasn't meaning at all to be offensive, I was just trying to tell her I wasn't knowingly filling out my timesheets incorrectly.
"Don't tell me what I do and don't realise!!! HOW DARE YOU?"
Oh Lord.
She was on a bender now and was getting more livid by the minute.
For some reason, this reminded me of every fight I've had with my Dad - because he gets so angry with me for things I didn't know about and often things that weren't in my control. I always feel confused and attacked without reason when Dad yells at me and this felt uncomfortably familiar.
"You're just like my Dad" I burst out.
Oh No. JD. You didn't just say that - did you?
I did, though.
Sally blinked.
"You what?"
"My Dad" I mumbled "He yells at me for things I didn't mean to do or say and I get so confused because in his head I've attacked him or offended him but often times, I haven't said anything at all - I have to tread carefully around him because he's like a time bomb and can go off at any time"
Sally instantly calmed down. She sat back in her chair and breathed in and out slowly.
"My ex used to do that with me" she finally said.
Ok. This was getting very weird.
"Um...what?" I whispered - wondering if I'd somehow crossed a time dimension of some kind and had completely left reality.
"I had no scars or bruises but he battered me with psychological bullying. He would yell at me and put me down and I had no idea which way was up anymore" Sally bit her lip "So I know what you mean with your Dad".
Ah.
Okay. Not any less weird but at least she wasn't yelling at me anymore.
Sally reached out and patted my arm gently "You can't let him rule your life, Janet - you have to break away"
Well. This was getting out of hand.
But I didn't put it right. I didn't say "Okay, let's focus and talk about work things rather than personal issues". I was so relieved not to be yelled at anymore and so upset and confused that I spent the next hour crying, nodding and agreeing with Sally that my Dad was indeed "power hungry" (?), "cruel" (God help me) and "incredibly toxic". I made up lies that seemed to please Sally and now my Dad was living with Alun and I but ordering me around.
Oh my word.
Why did I do that?
We both cried (God help us), we both talked about "suffering" and Sally hugged me as we were leaving the meeting room and said to take the rest of the day off.
What on earth?
I didn't sleep that night. I don't know if it was real or just my mind playing tricks on me, but I felt like I'd removed myself from God. I had let Him down and let myself down by being someone who stirred up trouble in the workplace rather than bringing peace. I lied about my Dad. Why did I do that???
That's not who I am. I saw the effects of Anne causing disention (sp?) and I swore I would never be that person - and now here I was - causing people to think badly of others when I should have kept my big mouth shut.
I'm going straight to hell for this. I'm sure of it.
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