I was in a panic yesterday as the MASSIVE SURGERY I'm going to have (God willing) on 7th June suddenly got rescheduled for NEXT WEEK.
I was so anxious and scared about surgery in potentially 10 days rather than a good 4-5 weeks away that I struggled to think clearly the whole day.
But Alun had a feeling the Surgeon had forgotten about my pulmonary embolism and that it would take 3 months for the clot to subside. He was right because when I mentioned it to my Doctor/Surgeon, he said "Oh! That's right! We'd better stick with the June date, then" and that was that.
But it feels like my world has been bounced on the sidewalk and I'm a bit shaky trying to put it back together again.
So.
Deep breaths, JD. Deep breaths.
We're back on for over a month away rather than just 10 days. Ok.
I can stop shallow-breathing.
I need to get back on track and back on with my health and weight loss plan.
The one I can never stick to!
ARGHHHHH!
This is so hard, you guys!
I need to stick to healthy eating and to make myself go on an hour's walk every day. Days and especially nights are getting colder so I feel less and less inclined to go on a walk but the time is now or never. There are so many BENEFITS to being healthier and weighing less - even if it's a few kilos and so many DOWNFALLS of staying at the massive weight I am and not working on my health that it seems to be a 'no brainer' - use this month-and-a-bit before the operation to get myself as healthy as I can be.
I still pay for gym membership even though I haven't been to the gym since LAST YEAR.
Wow. Just writing that is quite sobering.
JD YOU HAVE GOT TO GET A PLAN TOGETHER AND FOR GOD'S SAKES WOMAN, YOU HAVE TO STICK TO IT!!!
I have a week of work left - then time off (I guess?) until the operation.
Maybe until I get operated on, I can just do lots of exercise and healthy eating and NOT work because sitting behind a desk all day just begs for junk food to be eaten. It does for me, anyway.
I can do this. I know I can.
I just need to see it through for longer than a day and that's where I struggle.
I struggle not getting instant rewards. I struggle knowing steamed vegetables NOW means a healthier, happier version of myself in four week's time. I want to see immediate results. I know it's not logical but I'm struggling to be logical with so many extra hormones racing about in my body thanks to the HUGE FIBROID that has grown in my uterus. This thing emits TONNES of hormones that make me unstable, teary, angry and HUNGRY so it's a real battle I'm facing knowing I need to lose weight.
But it's one I have to win.
What spurs me on is that it IS achievable. I can do this - because I've done it before. On this day 2 years ago, I was 11 kilos lighter and LOVING it. I made up my mind to lose weight and I did it. Just like that. I loved going to the gym and I loved attending yoga classes. I can do that again.
This time, I'm injured (clot in my lung and fibroid in my uterus) so I can't attack weight loss as ferociously - but I can still try. And that's what matters, right?
Another thing that spurs me on to lose weight is that I saw my friend Peta yesterday and OH MY GOD SHE IS STUNNING. Peta has lost 20 Kilos!!! (2 stone to you, Becci and Marc) and she looks like a super model. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Peta (who has always been plump and dead sweet like that) suddenly has cheekbones, collar bones, long thin arms and gorgeous legs and a tiny waist!!! OMG!!! Just amazing.
I want that for myself.
I want that for Alun, too. He has never seen me at my smallest and sexiest. I would love to walk beside him and for Alun to feel like he's the one punching above his weight for once. That would mean the world to me.
I have to remind myself how much I want to look good and feel good in my own body whenever the craving for junk food comes up.
I have to want to look good in my favourite jeans MORE than I want the next donut.
I have to.
Wish me luck!
I was so anxious and scared about surgery in potentially 10 days rather than a good 4-5 weeks away that I struggled to think clearly the whole day.
But Alun had a feeling the Surgeon had forgotten about my pulmonary embolism and that it would take 3 months for the clot to subside. He was right because when I mentioned it to my Doctor/Surgeon, he said "Oh! That's right! We'd better stick with the June date, then" and that was that.
But it feels like my world has been bounced on the sidewalk and I'm a bit shaky trying to put it back together again.
So.
Deep breaths, JD. Deep breaths.
We're back on for over a month away rather than just 10 days. Ok.
I can stop shallow-breathing.
I need to get back on track and back on with my health and weight loss plan.
The one I can never stick to!
ARGHHHHH!
This is so hard, you guys!
I need to stick to healthy eating and to make myself go on an hour's walk every day. Days and especially nights are getting colder so I feel less and less inclined to go on a walk but the time is now or never. There are so many BENEFITS to being healthier and weighing less - even if it's a few kilos and so many DOWNFALLS of staying at the massive weight I am and not working on my health that it seems to be a 'no brainer' - use this month-and-a-bit before the operation to get myself as healthy as I can be.
I still pay for gym membership even though I haven't been to the gym since LAST YEAR.
Wow. Just writing that is quite sobering.
JD YOU HAVE GOT TO GET A PLAN TOGETHER AND FOR GOD'S SAKES WOMAN, YOU HAVE TO STICK TO IT!!!
I have a week of work left - then time off (I guess?) until the operation.
Maybe until I get operated on, I can just do lots of exercise and healthy eating and NOT work because sitting behind a desk all day just begs for junk food to be eaten. It does for me, anyway.
I can do this. I know I can.
I just need to see it through for longer than a day and that's where I struggle.
I struggle not getting instant rewards. I struggle knowing steamed vegetables NOW means a healthier, happier version of myself in four week's time. I want to see immediate results. I know it's not logical but I'm struggling to be logical with so many extra hormones racing about in my body thanks to the HUGE FIBROID that has grown in my uterus. This thing emits TONNES of hormones that make me unstable, teary, angry and HUNGRY so it's a real battle I'm facing knowing I need to lose weight.
But it's one I have to win.
What spurs me on is that it IS achievable. I can do this - because I've done it before. On this day 2 years ago, I was 11 kilos lighter and LOVING it. I made up my mind to lose weight and I did it. Just like that. I loved going to the gym and I loved attending yoga classes. I can do that again.
This time, I'm injured (clot in my lung and fibroid in my uterus) so I can't attack weight loss as ferociously - but I can still try. And that's what matters, right?
Another thing that spurs me on to lose weight is that I saw my friend Peta yesterday and OH MY GOD SHE IS STUNNING. Peta has lost 20 Kilos!!! (2 stone to you, Becci and Marc) and she looks like a super model. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Peta (who has always been plump and dead sweet like that) suddenly has cheekbones, collar bones, long thin arms and gorgeous legs and a tiny waist!!! OMG!!! Just amazing.
I want that for myself.
I want that for Alun, too. He has never seen me at my smallest and sexiest. I would love to walk beside him and for Alun to feel like he's the one punching above his weight for once. That would mean the world to me.
I have to remind myself how much I want to look good and feel good in my own body whenever the craving for junk food comes up.
I have to want to look good in my favourite jeans MORE than I want the next donut.
I have to.
Wish me luck!
Comments
Post a Comment