I used to love being the centre of attention, so growing up - I LOVED going to parties. I saw it as an opportunity to 'show off', if you like. I would spend hours in my room with my best friends making up dances we'd "perform" at a party later that week/month (whatever) and we'd spend weeks obsessing over what we'd wear. My friends and I would try on every outfit under the sun until it was deemed 'perfect' by the group and I especially would be so damn giddy about the party that I wouldn't sleep the night before. I was so excited to go and hang out with everyone.
Parties were better the bigger they were because I liked attention and oh my word, could I get it. A smile here, a laugh there, a wink as I turned to leave a group, hugging or high-fiving all the people I knew and quickly establishing connections with those I didn't, shouting out to friends across a crowded room "Check this out" and doing a cool dance move because I knew all eyes were on me and I felt pretty glamorous and cool :) I probably looked like an idiot, but in my heart and mind, my friends and I were the stars and the whole world was there to adore us.
I used to walk into a room and this was my routine:
Scan the room for boys. I was boy crazy.
Find the cutest one/one I had a crush on, flash a big smile to him.
Find the host of the party and give them a big hug "Thanks for inviting me! This looks amazing!"
Greet and spend a few minutes one-to-one with EVERYONE at the party. I'd start out with everyone I knew then I'd branch out to everyone else. I'd start by telling them something I genuinely liked "I love your earings" "Omg you have the best smile" "Wow, you like rap music, too? What are your fave hits?" and before you know it, I was comfortable to goof around with the whole crowd because it felt like everyone was my friend.
I felt safe, I felt powerful and I enjoyed every minute.
Fast-forward to the quad-biking accident of 2009.
I lost my confidence in that accident. I don't know if I've written this to you before but what happened that was the most major injury was traumatic brain injury (TBI). When the accident happened, the man driving/steering the quad bike jammed on his brakes. I was sitting behind him and flew forward at a very fast speed (in the air) and I hit my head on a thick, concrete pole. No, I wasn't wearing a helmet. When my head hit the pole, it hit so HARD and so FAST that my brain bounced back and forth inside my skull, bruising itself so badly I was in the Trauma ward in hospital for 2 weeks with swelling. When a brain swells up, the entire body goes into shut-down because it knows something is very, very wrong.
The part I bruised and damaged the most was the back of my brain - the part that controls anxiety, depression, reasoning and taking risks.
So my confidence went to "enjoying a whole room of strangers" to "Avoid EVERYONE. Immediately and permanently"
Over the years, I've tried to gain that confidence back. I don't want fear to hold me back, but unfortunately for me, the part of the brain that controls "reasoning" has been damaged beyond repair so 'silly' ideas that make no sense - suddenly seem life threatening and I can't seem to get past it.
Instead of a sassy, cheeky young woman...I became a fearful, cautious person.
My brain is always telling me ABORT MISSION. It is ALWAYS afraid something will hurt me and it is ALWAYS convinced someone somewhere is going to kill me.
So now, I don't go to parties.
I can't tell you the amount of friends I've lost since 2009 because I won't attend weddings, baby showers, birthdays, engagements...anything with more than about 5 people, and I just can't. I honestly just can't.
Where I really start to struggle is that even before the accident, I was a people pleaser. I want to say "yes" whether my body and brain agree because I want to make you happy. Before the accident, I would have the reasoning skills to convince myself that it was OK to say "not this time - maybe next?" to someone's invitation if I was scared, OR I would have the strength and confidence to talk to my fears "Don't be silly, it's just a wedding - you feel nervous and that's okay but just go. Just try - you'll probably have the best time" and you know what? 85% of the time, that was right. I'd go to a function/event/party and I really would enjoy.
But I can't do that anymore.
But now, I can't be honest with the person who invites me because I worry I'll lose them.
So I say "sure, would love to" when I'm invited to something.
And I don't sleep, I feel genuinely ill-at-ease and I feel so anxious and frightened about the event that for every minute from the time I've agreed to go until the minute the party is beginning, I make myself very, very unwell.
I'm scared that if, for instance - my friend Becci invites me to her baby daughter's party (lucky for me 1) Bec lives in the UK so I have a genuine reason I can't make it and 2) Becci is my best friend and understands about depression and anxiety so she wouldn't ask me anyway, she'd probably just send me a load of pictures of her beautiful little girl and know I'd love that).
But I'm an idiot so when Becci asks "Hey, want to come to Bella's birthday party on Friday?" I immediately say "Yes". It's like an automatic response.
And the minute it leaves my lips, my anxiety shoots up 1000 notches.
My fear response kicks in so that my heart races. My skin prickles and my anxiety takes full control of my body.
If Becci asked me on a Monday, by Wednesday I would be beside myself and would have had to call in 'sick' to work because I'm so worked up and so anxious that I can't leave the house. By Thursday, I can guarantee you I've not slept for 4 days so my thinking is askew and I am not in control of myself. Friday morning and I'll be the one throwing up because my stomach is crunching and cramping so badly - I'm literally sh*tting myself because I'm so scared to go. I'm so scared to leave the house. I'm wired and hopped up on no sleep, worrying, fretting and being sick. My job is now on the line and more important to me, your friendship is at risk.
I don't want to lose you!
But I'm too desperately unwell to go. Every noise sounds like a gun shot. I respond as if it is, jumping and screaming whenever I hear something unexpected.
By Friday afternoon, I'm on the floor trembling, with my phone in my hand. The last little glimmer of strength I have sends out the words "I'm so sorry Becci, I can't make it today"
And I look at the words on my phone screen with tears rolling down my face. I'm hurting as if Becci has burnt my house down and my 'reasoning' is so out of whack, I literally expect to smell smoke.
Why can't I go? I have to explain to Becci.
I admire and greatly look up to the people in this world who can literally leave it at that "I'm sorry, I can't make it today". No reason. No excuses. Just that. Deal with it.
I've received those texts and I don't get offended. I look at such a text in awe because I would love with every fibre of my being to feel confident enough to send such a thing.
Instead, I worry.
I carefully type out:
"I'm really scared to leave the house because I'm convinced I'll die before I get to your front door"
True to me...but how will Becci believe that? Delete.
"I've suffered all week with crippling anxiety and I'm so sorry, but I have to stay home"
Also true - but how is that a plausible excuse to not go? Delete.
My mind is working overtime now.
Becci hates you, you piece of sh*t.
JUST GO! Why can't you just be a good person and GO?!?
OMG YOU ARE PATHETIC. It's a 2-year-old girl's birthday and you're scared? GET OUT OF HERE, YOU COMPLETE WASTE OF AIR.
So I lie.
I add "...because of terrible gastro" to the text. I find the emoji of the smiley that's all green and throwing up, I add it to the end of the text and I hit send.
No one can blame me for not attending a party if I have vomit and poo flying out of me at all angles, right?
And the anxiety and ABSOLUTE SHEER HATRED for myself comes down about 100 notches.
Enough so I can breathe again. I am taking deep, shuddering breaths now, dragging air into my lungs and shaking my head at the dark thoughts that Becci is reading my text and getting really angry with me for cancelling last minute.
You're a fraud and a liar, JD. Shame on you.
If she texts back, I call it a win, go to bed and start the long-ass recovery process. Because it takes me WEEKS and sometimes MONTHS to fully recover from letting you down.
If Becci DOESN'T text back (and I'm so glad because I already know she would), then all hell breaks loose and I spend another month or so not sleeping, crying over the loss of a friend and grieving them as if they died at my very own hands.
It.
Is.
Torture.
I promise you.
And that's what happened earlier this evening. I want to break it down for you in the hopes that:
1) It will help you understand why YOUR friend with depression/anxiety cancels
2) If you're the one cancelling, I hope you read this, can relate to it and are reminded you're not alone.
How it all started:
Alun and I made plans to meet with our friends "Karl" and "Daphne" (names changed to protect their privacy, obvs) for lunch on Saturday. Today is Tuesday.
Anxiety up 100 notches.
It will be okay, JD.
Yes, it is a scary prospect because:
I'm going to somewhere I'm not familiar with
I don't know what the surroundings will be like. How noisy will it be? How crowded? What will the food be like? What will the weather be doing? will we sit outdoors or inside?
It's a long train journey away so that in itself really scares me - to be so far from home.
Am I going to be ok? Will I survive this?
As if he can read my thoughts, Alun smiles across at me and gently squeezes my hand "It'll be fun, Gorg :) Just us four and we'll chill out by the sea and have lunch. I'll be with you"
Anxiety down 20 notches.
I take deep, slow breaths and settle into Alun's arms.
I can do this. I love my friends. This will be okay.
Anxiety down another 10 notches.
What went wrong:
"Ping ping!" our phones both vibrate on the table.
It must be someone messaging us at the same time.
My natural fear takes over "Someone's died". It's probably my parents as I've grown so close to them in the last month.
Anxiety up 100 notches.
Alun reaches for our phones on the table in front of us and passes mine to me.
I find out it's a group message from Daphne about Saturday.
Daphne has changed our private, safe, quiet, happy lunch to a GROUP INVITE with 17 OTHER GUESTS.
I don't know any of these people.
ANXIETY UP ABOUT 30,000 notches.
What's going on???
OMG.
Alun instantly looks at me.
"Oh Gorg...sorry"
I feel tears come to the surface and I'm really scared.
I know. It's just a 'small change' to the Saturday plans. I know.
But inside - this is what's going on:
I'm convinced:
I'm not good enough - that's why Daphne needs 17 OTHER PEOPLE there. I'm not enough.
THERE ARE NOW 17 MORE POSSIBILITIES that I will inadvertently offend someone, hurt someone or put someone off because I talk so much more when I'm scared and the more scared I am, the more nonsense I seem to spout.
That's 17 more fires to put out. THAT IS TERRIFYING.
THERE ARE 17 MORE PEOPLE to please and OMG THAT WILL BE EXHAUSTING.
I can't relax because I have to be 'on' now - to make sure 17 MORE PEOPLE - PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW - are going to have a good time. I don't know why, but I always assume 100% responsibility for a party and I assume it's MY SOLE JOB to make sure everyone has a good time.
When that is a party I'M in charge of, that is enough stress to put me out of work and out of life in general for a good few weeks afterwards.
When it is a GROUP LUNCHEON where I don't know a great majority of the people there, then my fear factor rises by about 30,000 because now I'm going to have to defend myself against what feels genuinely to me now - LIKE AN ARMY.
17 EXTRA PEOPLE?!?
OH.
MY.
GOD.
I don't understand so this confusion is adding to the fear.
I'm scared so I'm trying to rationalise all these EXTRA PEOPLE and why they're suddenly invited to lunch.
I'm sure Daphne had her reasons. I don't understand them but I'm sure she didn't do it to terrify me.
Because I don't understand this MASSIVE CHANGE to the lunch plan, I'm now convinced I'm going crazy.
Did we agree to this beforehand and I forgot?
So I go back through ALL the Facebook posts between Daphne and I.
I must have got it wrong.
When I see that I haven't - I check with Alun - my trusty advisor.
"We were going to meet up - just the FOUR of us" Alun confirms.
Ok.
At least I'm not losing my damn mind.
While I'm on the merry-go-round of ABJECT TERROR, our phones have been 'pinging' away.
More and more people are commenting on a very busy discussion 'thread' and every 'ping' makes me jump.
Every person who says "Sure, we'd love to" is a MAJOR THREAT to my well-being.
And again, I chastise myself for thinking this way. I'm sure Daphne's friends are lovely. She is! Daphne is lovely enough that I'm willing to risk my fear and go and meet her for lunch.
CALM DOWN, JD.
Ping.
"See you there!"
Oh sh*t.
More people.
My anxiety goes up and up and up with every 'ping' and my imagination is on fire, my fear response kicking in so that now I'm bent forward over my knees and Alun is rubbing my back.
I CAN'T BREATHE. I'M GOING TO DIE.
"Shh Gorg, it's okay"
But it's not ok. I'm SO SCARED, you guys.
My mind is racing and whirring and suddenly my little sailboat that was once skimming across a calm, flat lake is now in a huge storm and I'm clinging to the side wondering if I'll ever see land again.
This is going to kill me.
I'm 100% sure of it.
Uncharacteristically for me, I type out "Arghhh, I have social anxiety in large groups so I'm out. Sorry! Hope you guys have fun".
I stare at the words I've typed onto the bottom of the message board, pleased at my honesty and that I had the courage for ONCE to type what I REALLY feel. No lies.
Wow.
Look at you go, JD! YUSS!!!
The people pleaser in me takes the wheel.
WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!?
You're making a fool of yourself
EVERYONE will see your message once you hit send and they'll all HATE you
Especially DAPHNE. She will be mortified that you've declined.
I swallow that fear down and I compromise by adding a friendly smiley face to the message.
I hit 'send' before I can think too much about it.
Anxiety up 1000 notches.
So that anxiety and fear don't end me right at that moment, I "leave the group" so that my phone will stop 'pinging'.
Anxiety down 50 notches.
I take time to start recovery.
Just breathe, JD. Slow down your breaths. Inhale deeply. Hold. Exhale deeply. Okay. Again.
BUT NOW EVERYONE HAS SEEN WHAT A NUTCASE YOU ARE.
They will laugh at you.
Daphne will have to end her friendship with you. You can't handle a slight change to lunch? YOU PATHETIC BEING.
"Ping!"
Oh Lord. Here we go.
I brace myself for the anger and the hatred.
Instead, I see that the group invite has been cancelled.
"Sorry about that, Janet" Daphne's words appear in a private conversation "I just know Karl is missing his friends so I thought I'd invite them, too - I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. All fixed now xx"
Oh.
Daphne's apologised.
This is unexpected.
She's really trying.
In my mind, Daphne's boat has pulled up alongside my wrecked and ravaged one and she's extended a life buoy.
"Grab on, I'll pull you to safety"
But in my heightened state of anxiety, I don't want to board a new vessel. I just want to patch my own ship up and sail home. To bed.
I want to tell Daphne that it's okay to want to invite mates to lunch but that if she's made plans with ME first, then she needs to run it by me so I know what to expect.
The people pleaser in me is mocking me "You're not the boss of her. She doesn't need your permission to ask who ever she damn well pleases to the lunch. YOU just have to suck it up, princess. Stop being a baby". The people pleaser in me wants Daphne to like and approve of me. TELL HER IT'S OKAY. TELL HER TO ASK HOW EVER MANY PEOPLE SHE WANTS. PUT DAPHNE AT EASE AND STOP BEING SUCH A WEIRDO.
But I can't.
I can't do that and I can't be honest and say "I'm super anxious as a person so even the smallest changes rock my world...can you please let me know ahead of time if you want to change anything we agree to?"
And I need to be able to do that!
Because somehow that 'incident' has rocked my trust in my friend.
In my mind, I'm warily eyeing up the life-saving floating device she's chucked out to me in this imaginary storm because suddenly I don't feel safe with her in charge.
What will I be getting on board to? What's on her boat?
Anxiety up again. 1000 more notches.
"Is that ok? I've changed it...just the four of us" pops up on my screen. Daphne is trying so hard to make amends, bless her.
I made my good friend worry. I am a sh*t.
But it's not okay, Daphne. I feel scared to go to anything with you now.
I type out the lie "sure - see you then xx" and I hit send.
And that's why I'm up so late tonight. Because I'm scared. I don't know what to expect on Saturday anymore and I feel so lost and so scared I would rather just cancel the whole thing and never leave the house again.
Welcome to my world.
Parties were better the bigger they were because I liked attention and oh my word, could I get it. A smile here, a laugh there, a wink as I turned to leave a group, hugging or high-fiving all the people I knew and quickly establishing connections with those I didn't, shouting out to friends across a crowded room "Check this out" and doing a cool dance move because I knew all eyes were on me and I felt pretty glamorous and cool :) I probably looked like an idiot, but in my heart and mind, my friends and I were the stars and the whole world was there to adore us.
I used to walk into a room and this was my routine:
Scan the room for boys. I was boy crazy.
Find the cutest one/one I had a crush on, flash a big smile to him.
Find the host of the party and give them a big hug "Thanks for inviting me! This looks amazing!"
Greet and spend a few minutes one-to-one with EVERYONE at the party. I'd start out with everyone I knew then I'd branch out to everyone else. I'd start by telling them something I genuinely liked "I love your earings" "Omg you have the best smile" "Wow, you like rap music, too? What are your fave hits?" and before you know it, I was comfortable to goof around with the whole crowd because it felt like everyone was my friend.
I felt safe, I felt powerful and I enjoyed every minute.
Fast-forward to the quad-biking accident of 2009.
I lost my confidence in that accident. I don't know if I've written this to you before but what happened that was the most major injury was traumatic brain injury (TBI). When the accident happened, the man driving/steering the quad bike jammed on his brakes. I was sitting behind him and flew forward at a very fast speed (in the air) and I hit my head on a thick, concrete pole. No, I wasn't wearing a helmet. When my head hit the pole, it hit so HARD and so FAST that my brain bounced back and forth inside my skull, bruising itself so badly I was in the Trauma ward in hospital for 2 weeks with swelling. When a brain swells up, the entire body goes into shut-down because it knows something is very, very wrong.
The part I bruised and damaged the most was the back of my brain - the part that controls anxiety, depression, reasoning and taking risks.
So my confidence went to "enjoying a whole room of strangers" to "Avoid EVERYONE. Immediately and permanently"
Over the years, I've tried to gain that confidence back. I don't want fear to hold me back, but unfortunately for me, the part of the brain that controls "reasoning" has been damaged beyond repair so 'silly' ideas that make no sense - suddenly seem life threatening and I can't seem to get past it.
Instead of a sassy, cheeky young woman...I became a fearful, cautious person.
My brain is always telling me ABORT MISSION. It is ALWAYS afraid something will hurt me and it is ALWAYS convinced someone somewhere is going to kill me.
So now, I don't go to parties.
I can't tell you the amount of friends I've lost since 2009 because I won't attend weddings, baby showers, birthdays, engagements...anything with more than about 5 people, and I just can't. I honestly just can't.
Where I really start to struggle is that even before the accident, I was a people pleaser. I want to say "yes" whether my body and brain agree because I want to make you happy. Before the accident, I would have the reasoning skills to convince myself that it was OK to say "not this time - maybe next?" to someone's invitation if I was scared, OR I would have the strength and confidence to talk to my fears "Don't be silly, it's just a wedding - you feel nervous and that's okay but just go. Just try - you'll probably have the best time" and you know what? 85% of the time, that was right. I'd go to a function/event/party and I really would enjoy.
But I can't do that anymore.
But now, I can't be honest with the person who invites me because I worry I'll lose them.
So I say "sure, would love to" when I'm invited to something.
And I don't sleep, I feel genuinely ill-at-ease and I feel so anxious and frightened about the event that for every minute from the time I've agreed to go until the minute the party is beginning, I make myself very, very unwell.
I'm scared that if, for instance - my friend Becci invites me to her baby daughter's party (lucky for me 1) Bec lives in the UK so I have a genuine reason I can't make it and 2) Becci is my best friend and understands about depression and anxiety so she wouldn't ask me anyway, she'd probably just send me a load of pictures of her beautiful little girl and know I'd love that).
But I'm an idiot so when Becci asks "Hey, want to come to Bella's birthday party on Friday?" I immediately say "Yes". It's like an automatic response.
And the minute it leaves my lips, my anxiety shoots up 1000 notches.
My fear response kicks in so that my heart races. My skin prickles and my anxiety takes full control of my body.
If Becci asked me on a Monday, by Wednesday I would be beside myself and would have had to call in 'sick' to work because I'm so worked up and so anxious that I can't leave the house. By Thursday, I can guarantee you I've not slept for 4 days so my thinking is askew and I am not in control of myself. Friday morning and I'll be the one throwing up because my stomach is crunching and cramping so badly - I'm literally sh*tting myself because I'm so scared to go. I'm so scared to leave the house. I'm wired and hopped up on no sleep, worrying, fretting and being sick. My job is now on the line and more important to me, your friendship is at risk.
I don't want to lose you!
But I'm too desperately unwell to go. Every noise sounds like a gun shot. I respond as if it is, jumping and screaming whenever I hear something unexpected.
By Friday afternoon, I'm on the floor trembling, with my phone in my hand. The last little glimmer of strength I have sends out the words "I'm so sorry Becci, I can't make it today"
And I look at the words on my phone screen with tears rolling down my face. I'm hurting as if Becci has burnt my house down and my 'reasoning' is so out of whack, I literally expect to smell smoke.
Why can't I go? I have to explain to Becci.
I admire and greatly look up to the people in this world who can literally leave it at that "I'm sorry, I can't make it today". No reason. No excuses. Just that. Deal with it.
I've received those texts and I don't get offended. I look at such a text in awe because I would love with every fibre of my being to feel confident enough to send such a thing.
Instead, I worry.
I carefully type out:
"I'm really scared to leave the house because I'm convinced I'll die before I get to your front door"
True to me...but how will Becci believe that? Delete.
"I've suffered all week with crippling anxiety and I'm so sorry, but I have to stay home"
Also true - but how is that a plausible excuse to not go? Delete.
My mind is working overtime now.
Becci hates you, you piece of sh*t.
JUST GO! Why can't you just be a good person and GO?!?
OMG YOU ARE PATHETIC. It's a 2-year-old girl's birthday and you're scared? GET OUT OF HERE, YOU COMPLETE WASTE OF AIR.
So I lie.
I add "...because of terrible gastro" to the text. I find the emoji of the smiley that's all green and throwing up, I add it to the end of the text and I hit send.
No one can blame me for not attending a party if I have vomit and poo flying out of me at all angles, right?
And the anxiety and ABSOLUTE SHEER HATRED for myself comes down about 100 notches.
Enough so I can breathe again. I am taking deep, shuddering breaths now, dragging air into my lungs and shaking my head at the dark thoughts that Becci is reading my text and getting really angry with me for cancelling last minute.
You're a fraud and a liar, JD. Shame on you.
If she texts back, I call it a win, go to bed and start the long-ass recovery process. Because it takes me WEEKS and sometimes MONTHS to fully recover from letting you down.
If Becci DOESN'T text back (and I'm so glad because I already know she would), then all hell breaks loose and I spend another month or so not sleeping, crying over the loss of a friend and grieving them as if they died at my very own hands.
It.
Is.
Torture.
I promise you.
And that's what happened earlier this evening. I want to break it down for you in the hopes that:
1) It will help you understand why YOUR friend with depression/anxiety cancels
2) If you're the one cancelling, I hope you read this, can relate to it and are reminded you're not alone.
How it all started:
Alun and I made plans to meet with our friends "Karl" and "Daphne" (names changed to protect their privacy, obvs) for lunch on Saturday. Today is Tuesday.
Anxiety up 100 notches.
It will be okay, JD.
Yes, it is a scary prospect because:
I'm going to somewhere I'm not familiar with
I don't know what the surroundings will be like. How noisy will it be? How crowded? What will the food be like? What will the weather be doing? will we sit outdoors or inside?
It's a long train journey away so that in itself really scares me - to be so far from home.
Am I going to be ok? Will I survive this?
As if he can read my thoughts, Alun smiles across at me and gently squeezes my hand "It'll be fun, Gorg :) Just us four and we'll chill out by the sea and have lunch. I'll be with you"
Anxiety down 20 notches.
I take deep, slow breaths and settle into Alun's arms.
I can do this. I love my friends. This will be okay.
Anxiety down another 10 notches.
What went wrong:
"Ping ping!" our phones both vibrate on the table.
It must be someone messaging us at the same time.
My natural fear takes over "Someone's died". It's probably my parents as I've grown so close to them in the last month.
Anxiety up 100 notches.
Alun reaches for our phones on the table in front of us and passes mine to me.
I find out it's a group message from Daphne about Saturday.
Daphne has changed our private, safe, quiet, happy lunch to a GROUP INVITE with 17 OTHER GUESTS.
I don't know any of these people.
ANXIETY UP ABOUT 30,000 notches.
What's going on???
OMG.
Alun instantly looks at me.
"Oh Gorg...sorry"
I feel tears come to the surface and I'm really scared.
I know. It's just a 'small change' to the Saturday plans. I know.
But inside - this is what's going on:
I'm convinced:
I'm not good enough - that's why Daphne needs 17 OTHER PEOPLE there. I'm not enough.
THERE ARE NOW 17 MORE POSSIBILITIES that I will inadvertently offend someone, hurt someone or put someone off because I talk so much more when I'm scared and the more scared I am, the more nonsense I seem to spout.
That's 17 more fires to put out. THAT IS TERRIFYING.
THERE ARE 17 MORE PEOPLE to please and OMG THAT WILL BE EXHAUSTING.
I can't relax because I have to be 'on' now - to make sure 17 MORE PEOPLE - PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW - are going to have a good time. I don't know why, but I always assume 100% responsibility for a party and I assume it's MY SOLE JOB to make sure everyone has a good time.
When that is a party I'M in charge of, that is enough stress to put me out of work and out of life in general for a good few weeks afterwards.
When it is a GROUP LUNCHEON where I don't know a great majority of the people there, then my fear factor rises by about 30,000 because now I'm going to have to defend myself against what feels genuinely to me now - LIKE AN ARMY.
17 EXTRA PEOPLE?!?
OH.
MY.
GOD.
I don't understand so this confusion is adding to the fear.
I'm scared so I'm trying to rationalise all these EXTRA PEOPLE and why they're suddenly invited to lunch.
I'm sure Daphne had her reasons. I don't understand them but I'm sure she didn't do it to terrify me.
Because I don't understand this MASSIVE CHANGE to the lunch plan, I'm now convinced I'm going crazy.
Did we agree to this beforehand and I forgot?
So I go back through ALL the Facebook posts between Daphne and I.
I must have got it wrong.
When I see that I haven't - I check with Alun - my trusty advisor.
"We were going to meet up - just the FOUR of us" Alun confirms.
Ok.
At least I'm not losing my damn mind.
While I'm on the merry-go-round of ABJECT TERROR, our phones have been 'pinging' away.
More and more people are commenting on a very busy discussion 'thread' and every 'ping' makes me jump.
Every person who says "Sure, we'd love to" is a MAJOR THREAT to my well-being.
And again, I chastise myself for thinking this way. I'm sure Daphne's friends are lovely. She is! Daphne is lovely enough that I'm willing to risk my fear and go and meet her for lunch.
CALM DOWN, JD.
Ping.
"See you there!"
Oh sh*t.
More people.
My anxiety goes up and up and up with every 'ping' and my imagination is on fire, my fear response kicking in so that now I'm bent forward over my knees and Alun is rubbing my back.
I CAN'T BREATHE. I'M GOING TO DIE.
"Shh Gorg, it's okay"
But it's not ok. I'm SO SCARED, you guys.
My mind is racing and whirring and suddenly my little sailboat that was once skimming across a calm, flat lake is now in a huge storm and I'm clinging to the side wondering if I'll ever see land again.
This is going to kill me.
I'm 100% sure of it.
Uncharacteristically for me, I type out "Arghhh, I have social anxiety in large groups so I'm out. Sorry! Hope you guys have fun".
I stare at the words I've typed onto the bottom of the message board, pleased at my honesty and that I had the courage for ONCE to type what I REALLY feel. No lies.
Wow.
Look at you go, JD! YUSS!!!
The people pleaser in me takes the wheel.
WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!?
You're making a fool of yourself
EVERYONE will see your message once you hit send and they'll all HATE you
Especially DAPHNE. She will be mortified that you've declined.
I swallow that fear down and I compromise by adding a friendly smiley face to the message.
I hit 'send' before I can think too much about it.
Anxiety up 1000 notches.
So that anxiety and fear don't end me right at that moment, I "leave the group" so that my phone will stop 'pinging'.
Anxiety down 50 notches.
I take time to start recovery.
Just breathe, JD. Slow down your breaths. Inhale deeply. Hold. Exhale deeply. Okay. Again.
BUT NOW EVERYONE HAS SEEN WHAT A NUTCASE YOU ARE.
They will laugh at you.
Daphne will have to end her friendship with you. You can't handle a slight change to lunch? YOU PATHETIC BEING.
"Ping!"
Oh Lord. Here we go.
I brace myself for the anger and the hatred.
Instead, I see that the group invite has been cancelled.
"Sorry about that, Janet" Daphne's words appear in a private conversation "I just know Karl is missing his friends so I thought I'd invite them, too - I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. All fixed now xx"
Oh.
Daphne's apologised.
This is unexpected.
She's really trying.
In my mind, Daphne's boat has pulled up alongside my wrecked and ravaged one and she's extended a life buoy.
"Grab on, I'll pull you to safety"
But in my heightened state of anxiety, I don't want to board a new vessel. I just want to patch my own ship up and sail home. To bed.
I want to tell Daphne that it's okay to want to invite mates to lunch but that if she's made plans with ME first, then she needs to run it by me so I know what to expect.
The people pleaser in me is mocking me "You're not the boss of her. She doesn't need your permission to ask who ever she damn well pleases to the lunch. YOU just have to suck it up, princess. Stop being a baby". The people pleaser in me wants Daphne to like and approve of me. TELL HER IT'S OKAY. TELL HER TO ASK HOW EVER MANY PEOPLE SHE WANTS. PUT DAPHNE AT EASE AND STOP BEING SUCH A WEIRDO.
But I can't.
I can't do that and I can't be honest and say "I'm super anxious as a person so even the smallest changes rock my world...can you please let me know ahead of time if you want to change anything we agree to?"
And I need to be able to do that!
Because somehow that 'incident' has rocked my trust in my friend.
In my mind, I'm warily eyeing up the life-saving floating device she's chucked out to me in this imaginary storm because suddenly I don't feel safe with her in charge.
What will I be getting on board to? What's on her boat?
Anxiety up again. 1000 more notches.
"Is that ok? I've changed it...just the four of us" pops up on my screen. Daphne is trying so hard to make amends, bless her.
I made my good friend worry. I am a sh*t.
But it's not okay, Daphne. I feel scared to go to anything with you now.
I type out the lie "sure - see you then xx" and I hit send.
And that's why I'm up so late tonight. Because I'm scared. I don't know what to expect on Saturday anymore and I feel so lost and so scared I would rather just cancel the whole thing and never leave the house again.
Welcome to my world.
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