God makes beauty from ashes

My appointment with George was a little better yesterday. The front gate wasn't locked and the front screen door was propped open. I didn't have to ring the doorbell. George appeared with his familiar smile that bunches up his cheeks. "Hey you - come on in" Ok. This was a bit better. We both sat in his black leather chairs facing each other. We talked. George drew on the whiteboard again. He stuck to the book in his manner with me and his advice was professional and very clinical. George tends to go off on a tangent and when I'm in a better frame of mind than I am now, I recognise it quickly and I tell him off "George.  LISTEN  to me". He'll laugh "Oops. Sorry!" and we'll get back on track. Yesterday I just let him meander off the track. I really needed to talk to him about my fear, anxiety and depression. I really needed some help sorting through the tangle of emotions in my mind and heart. George passed over this and s...

Okay. I'll try another run at this. Have you ever leaned back in your chair and leaned that bit too far and almost toppled over? But then you caught yourself in time and stopped it? That panicked "OMG" feeling - that rush of fear? Normally people feel it for just a few seconds. I feel it ALL. THE. TIME. That "OH CRAP" feeling? It is AWFUL and I go about my day constantly on edge . I thought breaking up with a boy was painful and complicated. So is breaking up with a Psychologist . George has suddenly stopped texting me stupid cartoons, gardening advice, pictures of his tomatoes and Monty Python quotes. When I was obsessed in the last month with suicide, I texted George for help. In the past, he's called me immediately: "Are you ok? Can you get to a hospital? What can I do?" This time, his text read " I am fully booked for the next 4 weeks. I don't need to remind you about all the emergency services and help lines available,...

First, we'll start with "Amos". The facts: Amos of late has been 'too friendly' with me. Too familiar in the way he treats me and talks to me. I hate it. I guess that yeah, in some cases, you can meet a person and both hit it off. You can talk for hours on the first day you met and you can feel as if you've known each other for years. I've had that in many cases with so many of my friends. One moment you're strangers politely introducing yourself to each other and in the next moment, you're crying laughing over something you've bonded over "OMG me too! Hahahah!" and feel like you've been friends all your life. Some people you just instantly bond with, you know? When I first met Amos however, it was under strictly professional circumstances and no, we didn't "gel" instantly. I was not used to meeting such a large, formidable (seriously, this guy is built like a tank), really, really dark guy. Amos is so da...

Something about being in Coles supermarket sets my bum off. I don't know what it is. Probably because my ass hates me and wants to poo when I'm the furtherest away from a working toilet possible. This time, a toilet was only about 500 meters away. Lucky me. So I was in Coles with an armful of lovely junk food when my stomach rumbled and I knew - as we all do - that I had about 2 minutes to find a toilet. That 2 minutes was going by entirely too fast for my liking. I didn't bother paying for my groceries - that's how much of a hurry I was in to get to a toilet. I just put them on a random shelf and I RAN for the nearest toilet. "Closed for cleaning" read the sign on the Ladies' toilets. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Now, I was DESPERATE . I was in a public shopping mall, far from home and not willing to explode in my pants. There would be nowhere to shower and get clean so I'd have to figure this one out. FAST. I shuffled uncomforta...

Before I start complaining, I've had a really good few days off. It's been so good to wake up when I naturally am awake and not in a panic when my alarm goes off for work. It's been nice to do a 'full makeup' look on my face because I can take the time to 'fill in' my eyebrows and do contouring and pick shades of blush that I like. I've found out TWO coats of mascara are life changing. SO GOOD. But being home is the worst place to be as well as the best place...because I find myself doing the laundry. Then the dishes. "Well, while I'm here..." and I'm cleaning the bathroom or sweeping the floors. Yesterday I slid myself under the bed (I've never done that before, I felt like Ethan from "mission impossible" when he's laying flat above the floor, suspended on a wire) and cleaned out the dust along the skirting board which had built up over what looked like months and was about an inch high. I'll have to have a wo...

My whole life, I feel like I'm caging myself. Watching what I say. Being careful to be soft, quiet and pleasing. Being what everyone needs me to be so much I forget who I actually am. I am so locked into being 'liked' that I spend my life - my whole life - playing whatever role is needed and losing any authenticity I used to have when I was little. So I always say "yes" I say "sure" when inside I'm dying. I say "of course" when really, I'd like to say no. I let people use and abuse me so they 'like' me and most of them don't even care about me. But sometimes...just SOMETIMES I do what I want. Sometimes I go to the beach on my own and watch the waves. I love being by the sea more than anything. Sometimes I take myself to a movie. I go ALONE so that I don't have to look after anyone. (Just lately, I've found an amazing 'movie buddy' to go with. Cat is warm, sweet, caring and understands that I...

From work on Monday, I sent Alun an email. I promised: To not commit suicide To not give up To find my resilience and to keep going To take all my meds, attend all my medical/psych appointments and do everything I can to get better. I asked Alun to help me by: - Writing letters to me . Oh how I love to get letters. From anyone - but especially from the man I love. - INSISTING that I rest - because left to my own devices, I would spend my "week off" cleaning and gardening and wearing myself out so I would be in no better state next week than if I went to work. - Touching me as much as possible. "Hug me or hold my hand as much as you can, Gorg - it makes me feel so safe and so close to you" I pleaded. "You do your part, I'll do mine. I love you. I need you" I ended the email. I exhaled as I pressed "send". I didn't realise I'd been holding my breath. But everyone says when someone is struggling, they should ask for h...

I feel like a bruised reed in a rice patty field. Just barely hanging in there as the water rushes past me. My roots desperately gripping the watery soil and when the wind blows...well...it's just a matter of time before I come apart completely. Just a matter of time before I lose my grounding. I feel so fragile that any interaction at all - ANYTHING - wears me out. I have such great friends around me - checking in on me every day and wanting to help me and love me through this but even responding to their kind messages hurts somehow. This is so hard, you guys. I saw a new GP on Monday after work. I really just wanted some anti anxiety tablets. Dr S is very young, very pretty and has thick, glossy, gorgeous hair framing a sweet, honey-coloured Indian face. She's gorgeous. She's also very smart, very 'switched on' and before you know it, I was in tears, head in my hands, stammering out "I just...I just need a rest..." She declared I was in a bad p...

Trembling, I messaged Becci from the train station: "I'm scared and I don't want to go into work" I think in UK time, it was when everyone is sleeping so I didn't expect a reply, I just wanted a friend to know what I was going through and I know Bec will listen without judgement. Amos works a 12 hour shift every day. So he is at work at 7am and leaves at 7pm. This means he is on reception every day before I am. So I HAVE to face him FIRST THING. That is a very scary concept indeed. I sat on the train into work shaking. Feeling more and more scared as the stations drew me closer to the city centre. Calm down, JD. But I couldn't. I was so scared! My feet felt like lead as I walked through the beautiful city malls to my building. I looked up it from the ground floor and enjoyed the fleeting thought of just running away. How lovely it would be to go home. But I made myself catch the elevator up to the 3rd floor. "Ping!" and the el...

Have you ever actually tried making lemonade? IT. IS. A. BASTARD. To get the quantities just right and to make it something palatable and not disgusting takes work. A lot of work. So, to whoever said "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" - SCREW YOU, MAN. What if you don't even like lemonade? *deep breaths* As you can see, I'm anxious and angry all the time . If I'm not running on rage or fear, I'm crying. I can't live like this, you guys.  I'm holding onto life with my very fingertips and this is tiring and painful. So painful. I spent the weekend catching public transport with my earphones in and Matchbox20 (my favourite band) blasting. I think I listened to all their albums and let Rob Thomas (he is SO HOT, by the way) soothe my broken heart. I cried. For hours as the buses and trains let the world flash by in the big widows I leant my forehead against. I didn't care if people were watching. Next time, I think sunglass...

Yesterday, I sat in a window alcove on one of the busiest streets in the city and cried. I didn't just cry, by the way - I wailed . I howled. Tears didn't fall daintily down my cheeks - they poured. I didn't care. This is me at my lowest point. I have just had enough. Here's what led to it: My love of my mates makes me want to go over and above for them. That works out pretty well most of the time, but when I'm doing it for multiple mates at the same time AND feeling depression arrive in my mind and heart...it all lead to yesterday's complete and utter breakdown. Firstly, I want to explain. I like metaphors. Very much. When a friend shares their problems with me, I feel like they're giving me a heavy rock to carry. They're saying to me "hey, I'm dealing with some heavy things right now - my arms are sore and tired - do you mind carrying this for me for a bit?" when they tell me all their problems. I'm a good person with a ...