Trembling, I messaged Becci from the train station: "I'm scared and I don't want to go into work"
I think in UK time, it was when everyone is sleeping so I didn't expect a reply, I just wanted a friend to know what I was going through and I know Bec will listen without judgement.
Amos works a 12 hour shift every day. So he is at work at 7am and leaves at 7pm.
This means he is on reception every day before I am.
So I HAVE to face him FIRST THING.
That is a very scary concept indeed.
I sat on the train into work shaking. Feeling more and more scared as the stations drew me closer to the city centre.
Calm down, JD.
But I couldn't. I was so scared!
My feet felt like lead as I walked through the beautiful city malls to my building. I looked up it from the ground floor and enjoyed the fleeting thought of just running away.
How lovely it would be to go home.
But I made myself catch the elevator up to the 3rd floor.
"Ping!" and the elevator doors opened.
Breathe JD. Breathe.
But I couldn't. My breath was short and raspy - as if I was drowning and couldn't get enough oxygen under tumultuous waves.
As I got closer to the reception desk, I could see the top of Amos' head, he was bent over his part of the reception counter - he was busy writing something.
JD. You are going to be okay.
He is not going to strangle you.
He is not going to rip your pants down and rape you right here in the reception area.
You are imagining things that have not and will not happen and you are making yourself fall apart.
Calm down.
"Morning Amos" I choked out
"Hey" he was distracted, working.
And slowly the minutes on reception ticked by. I was busy doing my usual 50 things but today I was thankful to be so busy because it meant that I didn't have to talk to Amos. He was unusually quiet. No "Janet Janet Janet" this time.
Praise God.
This could have A LOT to do with the email I sent my bosses telling them that Amos was at my gym last week and that I'm increasingly uncomfortable with his touching.
At around 10:00am, the phone died down and the guests milled away to leave reception quiet.
Carpe Diem, JD. You have to talk to him.
I cleared my throat.
"Um Amos...I um...I need to talk to you...about...about some...err...things"
That in itself was SO HARD to do.
Amos turned his chair so it faced me. He looked so happy to talk that my heart just broke.
How can I feel such a warmth and such a mounting fear of the same person at the same time?
"Of course" he said, his Nigerian accent strong.
"I am...uhh...really struggling with my mental health so I need a lot of space right now" I started. My hands were shaking so I clasped them in my lap.
Calm down, JD. Calm down.
Amos looked at me patiently, expectantly - waiting for more.
I don't think I have it in me to do this. This is so hard.
"I have to be on my own and in my own space so that I can recover...so...so I need you to please stop touching me when you talk to me because it...I get very...I really need you to...can you please stop it" I forced out the words as if they were boulders I was having to pick up and throw.
Amos' face fell.
"You think I am...how do you say - being sexist about you?"
I think he meant sexually harassing me. Amos looked so shocked and so hurt.
yes.
"No no" I immediately wanted to put him at ease, even though my mind was flashing back to him touching me at the gym. "I'm not...I don't mean to say that you're...What I am trying to do is...I am just not well" I tried so hard to continue "I am not very well and I need to have a lot of space. When you talk to me, you need to stop...err...please stop touching me, Amos. I'm very...um...unsettled by it"
"Oh" Amos looked as if I'd charged him with killing my entire family.
"I didn't realise" He put his hands together in a prayer gesture and bowed his head "My friend, I am really sorry...I didn't know...in my culture, we touch each other a lot. You are like a little sister to me and I just touch the people I love...I am truly very sorry"
I'm so confused. I'm still scared and something in my gut was still incredibly unsettled but I was so sad that I'd made him sad - so my first response was to make Amos feel better.
"No no - It's just...I'm sorry" (now I'M sorry! Great. Just great.) "I don't mean to hurt you or upset you...I just...I'm not well" I repeated.
I couldn't seem to get past this.
Amos won't know what depression and anxiety are and I don't know how to explain it when he already struggles with English.
Amos looked like I'd broken his heart.
I had to keep going, though. I still need to tell him to stop following me.
How do I keep going? This is so painful.
I was crying now, silent tears coursing down my face because I was still so scared but now I was guilty that I'd hurt someone who was just trying to be a friend.
He called me 'little sister'...but the way he touches me...
I'm so confused!
"I need to...I have to talk to you about..." I helplessly wiped tears away.
Amos listened and didn't interrupt.
"My personal time...it means everything to me...so when you followed me to the gym last week, it was very hard on me"
Amos looked genuinely confused.
I tried again "I have to be by myself, Amos - after work, I need time to rest and be by myself"
He nodded but I strongly suspected he wasn't getting it.
So I tried again:
"When you came to the gym and you were telling me how to exercise..."
"Oh!" Amos' face lit up "Oh yes, yes. Do a higher level!" So ok. He remembered.
"Yes" I sniffed, wiping more tears away "Yes, that. But what I really wanted to talk to you about is..."
"Oh I know" Amos was excited "You want to learn your own way to lose the fat - you want to do your own way" he offered, beaming a big smile at me.
What I really want is for you to quit following me.
I was crying hard now. I was so overwhelmed by it all. Any minute now a staff member or client would show up or the phone was ringing.
Tick tock, JD. You gotta hurry.
I want you to leave me alone, Amos. I want you to stop following me because you doing so last week scared the crap out of me.
It broke something in me that I don't know how to fix.I don't sleep because of it!!!
I want you to understand that after working hours, I need to be left alone. Even if you were my best friend, I would ask you for space right now as I recover. But you're not, so it's even more important that you please let me have space.
But my words wouldn't come out.
I was so emotionally drained after just asking him not to touch me anymore that I couldn't push for 'one more thing'
Because I was crying, Amos looked so genuinely distressed about the whole thing, I didn't want to upset him any more.
"Yes, I just want to do it my own way" I relented, quietly dying on the inside.
Dying.
Dying.
Dying.
"Ah. I get it. I won't give more health advice" Amos nodded, dead pleased with himself.
And here I am 4 hours later...just wanting the ache in my heart and fear in my belly to subside.
I think in UK time, it was when everyone is sleeping so I didn't expect a reply, I just wanted a friend to know what I was going through and I know Bec will listen without judgement.
Amos works a 12 hour shift every day. So he is at work at 7am and leaves at 7pm.
This means he is on reception every day before I am.
So I HAVE to face him FIRST THING.
That is a very scary concept indeed.
I sat on the train into work shaking. Feeling more and more scared as the stations drew me closer to the city centre.
Calm down, JD.
But I couldn't. I was so scared!
My feet felt like lead as I walked through the beautiful city malls to my building. I looked up it from the ground floor and enjoyed the fleeting thought of just running away.
How lovely it would be to go home.
But I made myself catch the elevator up to the 3rd floor.
"Ping!" and the elevator doors opened.
Breathe JD. Breathe.
But I couldn't. My breath was short and raspy - as if I was drowning and couldn't get enough oxygen under tumultuous waves.
As I got closer to the reception desk, I could see the top of Amos' head, he was bent over his part of the reception counter - he was busy writing something.
JD. You are going to be okay.
He is not going to strangle you.
He is not going to rip your pants down and rape you right here in the reception area.
You are imagining things that have not and will not happen and you are making yourself fall apart.
Calm down.
"Morning Amos" I choked out
"Hey" he was distracted, working.
And slowly the minutes on reception ticked by. I was busy doing my usual 50 things but today I was thankful to be so busy because it meant that I didn't have to talk to Amos. He was unusually quiet. No "Janet Janet Janet" this time.
Praise God.
This could have A LOT to do with the email I sent my bosses telling them that Amos was at my gym last week and that I'm increasingly uncomfortable with his touching.
At around 10:00am, the phone died down and the guests milled away to leave reception quiet.
Carpe Diem, JD. You have to talk to him.
I cleared my throat.
"Um Amos...I um...I need to talk to you...about...about some...err...things"
That in itself was SO HARD to do.
Amos turned his chair so it faced me. He looked so happy to talk that my heart just broke.
How can I feel such a warmth and such a mounting fear of the same person at the same time?
"Of course" he said, his Nigerian accent strong.
"I am...uhh...really struggling with my mental health so I need a lot of space right now" I started. My hands were shaking so I clasped them in my lap.
Calm down, JD. Calm down.
Amos looked at me patiently, expectantly - waiting for more.
I don't think I have it in me to do this. This is so hard.
"I have to be on my own and in my own space so that I can recover...so...so I need you to please stop touching me when you talk to me because it...I get very...I really need you to...can you please stop it" I forced out the words as if they were boulders I was having to pick up and throw.
Amos' face fell.
"You think I am...how do you say - being sexist about you?"
I think he meant sexually harassing me. Amos looked so shocked and so hurt.
yes.
"No no" I immediately wanted to put him at ease, even though my mind was flashing back to him touching me at the gym. "I'm not...I don't mean to say that you're...What I am trying to do is...I am just not well" I tried so hard to continue "I am not very well and I need to have a lot of space. When you talk to me, you need to stop...err...please stop touching me, Amos. I'm very...um...unsettled by it"
"Oh" Amos looked as if I'd charged him with killing my entire family.
"I didn't realise" He put his hands together in a prayer gesture and bowed his head "My friend, I am really sorry...I didn't know...in my culture, we touch each other a lot. You are like a little sister to me and I just touch the people I love...I am truly very sorry"
I'm so confused. I'm still scared and something in my gut was still incredibly unsettled but I was so sad that I'd made him sad - so my first response was to make Amos feel better.
"No no - It's just...I'm sorry" (now I'M sorry! Great. Just great.) "I don't mean to hurt you or upset you...I just...I'm not well" I repeated.
I couldn't seem to get past this.
Amos won't know what depression and anxiety are and I don't know how to explain it when he already struggles with English.
Amos looked like I'd broken his heart.
I had to keep going, though. I still need to tell him to stop following me.
How do I keep going? This is so painful.
I was crying now, silent tears coursing down my face because I was still so scared but now I was guilty that I'd hurt someone who was just trying to be a friend.
He called me 'little sister'...but the way he touches me...
I'm so confused!
"I need to...I have to talk to you about..." I helplessly wiped tears away.
Amos listened and didn't interrupt.
"My personal time...it means everything to me...so when you followed me to the gym last week, it was very hard on me"
Amos looked genuinely confused.
I tried again "I have to be by myself, Amos - after work, I need time to rest and be by myself"
He nodded but I strongly suspected he wasn't getting it.
So I tried again:
"When you came to the gym and you were telling me how to exercise..."
"Oh!" Amos' face lit up "Oh yes, yes. Do a higher level!" So ok. He remembered.
"Yes" I sniffed, wiping more tears away "Yes, that. But what I really wanted to talk to you about is..."
"Oh I know" Amos was excited "You want to learn your own way to lose the fat - you want to do your own way" he offered, beaming a big smile at me.
What I really want is for you to quit following me.
I was crying hard now. I was so overwhelmed by it all. Any minute now a staff member or client would show up or the phone was ringing.
Tick tock, JD. You gotta hurry.
I want you to leave me alone, Amos. I want you to stop following me because you doing so last week scared the crap out of me.
It broke something in me that I don't know how to fix.I don't sleep because of it!!!
I want you to understand that after working hours, I need to be left alone. Even if you were my best friend, I would ask you for space right now as I recover. But you're not, so it's even more important that you please let me have space.
But my words wouldn't come out.
I was so emotionally drained after just asking him not to touch me anymore that I couldn't push for 'one more thing'
Because I was crying, Amos looked so genuinely distressed about the whole thing, I didn't want to upset him any more.
"Yes, I just want to do it my own way" I relented, quietly dying on the inside.
Dying.
Dying.
Dying.
"Ah. I get it. I won't give more health advice" Amos nodded, dead pleased with himself.
And here I am 4 hours later...just wanting the ache in my heart and fear in my belly to subside.
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