So yeah, I'm not very well.
I'm writing to you now and in the corner of my mind, I'm wondering if I should pack a bag for a night or two in Royal Perth Psych ward. I have been before, it's really, really scary. All the cities craziest, scariest people go there because it's FREE so they sort of lump everyone in together in an open ward - one for women and one for men...and leave you all to it. Especially on a weekend.
But I'm at the point so many of us suffering mental illness get to - I'm at the "So I have to PROVE how ill I am" point.
I've tried to tell those I love. I've tried to say so friends I love and especially to Alun - over and over again in my quiet, gentle way "I'm really struggling" "I'm not doing well" "I really need some help" "I feel like I'm drowning" "I can't breathe and that scares me" "I'm not sleeping because I'm anxious and scared all the time"
And it feels like no one is listening.
Wait.
I know a very critical handful of you ARE listening, Becci, Claudie, Sam, Marc...I love you all so much. Thank you for messaging me and reaching out to love me, you have no idea how much your messages mean to me. I'm hanging onto them for dear life.
I'm hanging on for dear life in general, really.
What upsets me most is that when I try to talk to Alun about it, he doesn't want to hear. BUT he's taken the last 4 days off work and told his boss it's because I'm suicidal and he's been my carer. He's NOT been there at all, he's been tripping about with his parents while I'm working my ass off in my stupid new job.
So he wants to use my illness for time off but doesn't want to actually HELP me with it.
Actually, I'm being unfair. Alun put $400 into my bank account (he did so a month or so ago, too). He tries his best to encourage me with kind notes and packs my lunch for work so he's doing his best. Alun is suffering and struggling with his own depression so I get that it's too hard to take on anyone else's burdens as well.
But I'm LIVID about it because I'M trying. I'm really trying. I'm going to work even though it's killing me. I'm going to psych appointments in my "time off" from work. I'm taking my medications every day (they're doing bugger all) and I'm trying to go for a walk every day (exercise is important when depressed - so I hear) and I'm trying to cut back on sugar. That bit I'm failing in but in the grand scheme of things, I think I'm doing pretty freaking well.
Alun IS NOT talking to ANYONE about what he's going through, he's lashing out at me instead. He's either calling me 'dickhead' or just not talking to me at all. I'll ask him questions to get him to open up "how was your day?" "what did you get up to with your parents?" "What was the new pub like?" and just getting grunts or a shake of the head...or worst of all...an eye roll.
Like I'm ANNOYING Alun by trying my best to reach out to him.
This is hard for me too, Alun. But I'M trying here, pal. You don't want to move an inch. You don't want to meet me in the middle. You hate your job, my love - so leave. We will be okay, we really will. I've told Alun he has my FULL SUPPORT in going to try a different department - or better yet - in just taking TIME OFF WORK ALTOGETHER and taking time to heal and recover from his own traumas.
"Nah"
I've tried to get Alun to talk to one of the many counsellors they provide to Nurses FOR FREE at his work, so that someone can come alongside him and support him - someone who knows what he's going through because they are part of the very hospital Alun works in.
"I'm okay"
BUT YOU ARE NOT OK, ALUN.
YOU NEED SOME HELP, my love - and you have to try!!! Please reach out to the people in your work that are literally paid to be a support to struggling Nurses.
Please take some time off!
Please rest!
I will support you in every way I can, my love - but you have to want to try!
I'm doing it and it hurts like a bastard, but I try FOR YOU, Alun! Are you not going to do the same for me?
So I feel disconnected from the one I love most. I feel like he's taking advantage of my depression by taking days off "to care for me" when really he's going to pubs with his parents and they're all coming home SMASHED off their faces. When I come home from the hardest days of work I have EVER faced, I have to deal with giggling, ridiculous Thomas's.
I can't keep going on like this.
I'm scared to be locked into the psych ward tonight with weirdos. I don't have the money for a hotel stay.
I'll take the only option left and take a strong sleeping tablet and go to bed.
I think I need a divorce. I don't want to go through these days of hell with someone who is very hot and cold with me.
If you're going to take days off to "care for my distressed wife", Alun - YOU NEED TO CARE FOR ME, mate. At least answer my questions with more than one word and try to spend more than 5 minutes a day with me.
I'm so angry. I'm really hurt and feel so isolated because I usually go through these tough times with 3 things:
1) Faith in God
2) Alun's support
3) My friend's love and belief in me.
Going through all of this pain and depression with ONE of those 3 things missing...it's breaking my heart and it's a pain I literally cannot afford right now.
Maybe it's time to cut Alun off.
His parents are here (GOD HELP ME) so he's got support.
Mine are in Phillipines and I have never missed my Mom more in my whole life.
I'm writing to you now and in the corner of my mind, I'm wondering if I should pack a bag for a night or two in Royal Perth Psych ward. I have been before, it's really, really scary. All the cities craziest, scariest people go there because it's FREE so they sort of lump everyone in together in an open ward - one for women and one for men...and leave you all to it. Especially on a weekend.
But I'm at the point so many of us suffering mental illness get to - I'm at the "So I have to PROVE how ill I am" point.
I've tried to tell those I love. I've tried to say so friends I love and especially to Alun - over and over again in my quiet, gentle way "I'm really struggling" "I'm not doing well" "I really need some help" "I feel like I'm drowning" "I can't breathe and that scares me" "I'm not sleeping because I'm anxious and scared all the time"
And it feels like no one is listening.
Wait.
I know a very critical handful of you ARE listening, Becci, Claudie, Sam, Marc...I love you all so much. Thank you for messaging me and reaching out to love me, you have no idea how much your messages mean to me. I'm hanging onto them for dear life.
I'm hanging on for dear life in general, really.
What upsets me most is that when I try to talk to Alun about it, he doesn't want to hear. BUT he's taken the last 4 days off work and told his boss it's because I'm suicidal and he's been my carer. He's NOT been there at all, he's been tripping about with his parents while I'm working my ass off in my stupid new job.
So he wants to use my illness for time off but doesn't want to actually HELP me with it.
Actually, I'm being unfair. Alun put $400 into my bank account (he did so a month or so ago, too). He tries his best to encourage me with kind notes and packs my lunch for work so he's doing his best. Alun is suffering and struggling with his own depression so I get that it's too hard to take on anyone else's burdens as well.
But I'm LIVID about it because I'M trying. I'm really trying. I'm going to work even though it's killing me. I'm going to psych appointments in my "time off" from work. I'm taking my medications every day (they're doing bugger all) and I'm trying to go for a walk every day (exercise is important when depressed - so I hear) and I'm trying to cut back on sugar. That bit I'm failing in but in the grand scheme of things, I think I'm doing pretty freaking well.
Alun IS NOT talking to ANYONE about what he's going through, he's lashing out at me instead. He's either calling me 'dickhead' or just not talking to me at all. I'll ask him questions to get him to open up "how was your day?" "what did you get up to with your parents?" "What was the new pub like?" and just getting grunts or a shake of the head...or worst of all...an eye roll.
Like I'm ANNOYING Alun by trying my best to reach out to him.
This is hard for me too, Alun. But I'M trying here, pal. You don't want to move an inch. You don't want to meet me in the middle. You hate your job, my love - so leave. We will be okay, we really will. I've told Alun he has my FULL SUPPORT in going to try a different department - or better yet - in just taking TIME OFF WORK ALTOGETHER and taking time to heal and recover from his own traumas.
"Nah"
I've tried to get Alun to talk to one of the many counsellors they provide to Nurses FOR FREE at his work, so that someone can come alongside him and support him - someone who knows what he's going through because they are part of the very hospital Alun works in.
"I'm okay"
BUT YOU ARE NOT OK, ALUN.
YOU NEED SOME HELP, my love - and you have to try!!! Please reach out to the people in your work that are literally paid to be a support to struggling Nurses.
Please take some time off!
Please rest!
I will support you in every way I can, my love - but you have to want to try!
I'm doing it and it hurts like a bastard, but I try FOR YOU, Alun! Are you not going to do the same for me?
So I feel disconnected from the one I love most. I feel like he's taking advantage of my depression by taking days off "to care for me" when really he's going to pubs with his parents and they're all coming home SMASHED off their faces. When I come home from the hardest days of work I have EVER faced, I have to deal with giggling, ridiculous Thomas's.
I can't keep going on like this.
I'm scared to be locked into the psych ward tonight with weirdos. I don't have the money for a hotel stay.
I'll take the only option left and take a strong sleeping tablet and go to bed.
I think I need a divorce. I don't want to go through these days of hell with someone who is very hot and cold with me.
If you're going to take days off to "care for my distressed wife", Alun - YOU NEED TO CARE FOR ME, mate. At least answer my questions with more than one word and try to spend more than 5 minutes a day with me.
I'm so angry. I'm really hurt and feel so isolated because I usually go through these tough times with 3 things:
1) Faith in God
2) Alun's support
3) My friend's love and belief in me.
Going through all of this pain and depression with ONE of those 3 things missing...it's breaking my heart and it's a pain I literally cannot afford right now.
Maybe it's time to cut Alun off.
His parents are here (GOD HELP ME) so he's got support.
Mine are in Phillipines and I have never missed my Mom more in my whole life.
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