Skip to main content

Oh hello, square 1

 Alun has been gaslighting me all year and I've had enough.

He will ask me to do something/order him something/plan something and when I do it, he loses his damn mind and will shout and have a huge fit over it "Why did you do/say/organise that? I DON'T WANT IT" and yell at me for ages, working the word "dickhead" in repeatedly.

Last night, Alun SWORE BLIND he wanted a Big Mac meal.

"I'm so hungry, Janet"

I watch him carefully because I love him and I know he'd not eaten all day so to hear him say he wanted to FINALLY EAT something brought me so much joy.

"Are you sure?" I asked as I brought up the MenuLog ap.

Alun nodded and pointed to the McDonald's logo on the screen. He jumped around excitedly on the sofa "Big Mac meal, please! I want it! Big Mac, yeah yeah yeah"

I laughed seeing him so happy.

I pressed "order" and put in my bank details (I'll treat you, my love) and turned back to the show I was watching. Alun got up and pottered about in the kitchen.

When the McDonalds arrived, ALUN LOST HIS SHIT.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT MEAL, JANET?!?"

Um...what?

And also...why are you swearing at me? Why is it okay for you to talk to me like a dog?

"You just now said you wanted..."

Alun didn't wait for me to finish. He talked loudly over me "You always do this. You're MENTAL. You hear whatever you fucking want and you try to force me to eat when I'm not fucking hungry!!! You make up situations in your head and you need to get some serious help"

Oh

No

You

Didn't.

You did NOT just accuse me of being a nutcase and "making things up" AGAIN, Alun.

I am NOT having that. 

My mental illness is a sensitive issue and I'm NOT going to have someone I love making fun of it.

NOT TODAY.

Not ever.

I didn't respond.

I got up and went to bed.

I could hear Alun EATING his meal.

About an hour later, Alun crawled up onto the bed.

"Gorg"

Don't you "Gorg" me, you asshole.

I turned away from him.

He sighed and left.

Alun came back an hour later. I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

"Night Gorg" he whispered.

Alun snored loudly and had a WONDERFUL sleep. He slept like a baby.

I was up all night, resentfully watching his peaceful face and wishing I could punch him in the nose.

I'm tired today so I'm making a tonne of mistakes at work.

I'm heart broken, fed up and OVER it all.

Alun has texted a few times today and I've not responded.

His last message was "I'm sorry. I won't drink anymore"

I've heard that before.

I feel so exhausted from all of this.

I feel like I'm back at LAST December, weighing up suicide options that are the least painful.

I'm thankful for good friends throughout this, though. I've been able to talk to my besties about this and have been really blessed to make a new friend at work. Let's call her "Sarah". She's really cute and Filo like me (woohoo) and has supported me through this awful time with text messages and being a good listener. In amongst all this pain and insecurity, I at least have good friends. Praise God.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

best $270.00 I've ever spent, honestly :)

Now that I've written that, I can remember other things I've loved spending HUGE amounts on: * the first time I got my hair chemically straightened :) * when I bought Jon a "year's pass" to the movies - he loved that gift more than anything else I've ever given him * any time I give Mom 'board money' because she's always so grateful and seeing her smile is a blessing anyway *sigh* back to the point... ...today I'm writing to you from a Travelodge Hotel Room. I know...not the most amazing Hotel - but you wouldnt believe how nice my room is. It's a "deluxe suite" and is big, comfortable, pretty and best of all *big smile* it's airconditioned!!! OH YEAH!!! In this horrid, dry and yet super humid Perth heat...being able to sleep to the hum of a working and LOVELY air conditioner is definitely worth the money I've paid. Here's what lead to this: My anxiety began with coming home to find the carpet pulled up, m...
4 comments
Read more

and then, we move on...

Sometimes moving on can be so hard. I remember last year when I got "released" from hospital. The fear of leaving that safe trauma ward was awful. I hated thinking "oh God...now I'll be on my own and I still cant walk"...but you know what? we move on. We move on from petty fights with friends, from stupid family things, from broken hearts and crap days and we hope for better things. Im blessed because I'm experiencing those 'better things' right now, actually. Think about it, Im at work (so Im thankful for a job), I have the world's most amazing people as my friends (seriously, all my friends are worth their weight in gold) I have a safe home, lots of food and money... and I have an amazing boyfriend. Alun met up with me yesterday at the Royal on a sunny, warm Perth day. He had something in a huge shopping bag and held it out to me with an excited grin "OMG Janet - open it, you're gonna LOVE it!" and the smile on his face r...
4 comments
Read more

10...and then 5 :)

Yeah I can tell Im getting better because even though things are tough right now and Im sad and a bit fed up and weary...I still have hope :) I cant help it, it's who I am. I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me. I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although...
5 comments
Read more