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Oh hello, square 1

 Alun has been gaslighting me all year and I've had enough.

He will ask me to do something/order him something/plan something and when I do it, he loses his damn mind and will shout and have a huge fit over it "Why did you do/say/organise that? I DON'T WANT IT" and yell at me for ages, working the word "dickhead" in repeatedly.

Last night, Alun SWORE BLIND he wanted a Big Mac meal.

"I'm so hungry, Janet"

I watch him carefully because I love him and I know he'd not eaten all day so to hear him say he wanted to FINALLY EAT something brought me so much joy.

"Are you sure?" I asked as I brought up the MenuLog ap.

Alun nodded and pointed to the McDonald's logo on the screen. He jumped around excitedly on the sofa "Big Mac meal, please! I want it! Big Mac, yeah yeah yeah"

I laughed seeing him so happy.

I pressed "order" and put in my bank details (I'll treat you, my love) and turned back to the show I was watching. Alun got up and pottered about in the kitchen.

When the McDonalds arrived, ALUN LOST HIS SHIT.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT MEAL, JANET?!?"

Um...what?

And also...why are you swearing at me? Why is it okay for you to talk to me like a dog?

"You just now said you wanted..."

Alun didn't wait for me to finish. He talked loudly over me "You always do this. You're MENTAL. You hear whatever you fucking want and you try to force me to eat when I'm not fucking hungry!!! You make up situations in your head and you need to get some serious help"

Oh

No

You

Didn't.

You did NOT just accuse me of being a nutcase and "making things up" AGAIN, Alun.

I am NOT having that. 

My mental illness is a sensitive issue and I'm NOT going to have someone I love making fun of it.

NOT TODAY.

Not ever.

I didn't respond.

I got up and went to bed.

I could hear Alun EATING his meal.

About an hour later, Alun crawled up onto the bed.

"Gorg"

Don't you "Gorg" me, you asshole.

I turned away from him.

He sighed and left.

Alun came back an hour later. I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

"Night Gorg" he whispered.

Alun snored loudly and had a WONDERFUL sleep. He slept like a baby.

I was up all night, resentfully watching his peaceful face and wishing I could punch him in the nose.

I'm tired today so I'm making a tonne of mistakes at work.

I'm heart broken, fed up and OVER it all.

Alun has texted a few times today and I've not responded.

His last message was "I'm sorry. I won't drink anymore"

I've heard that before.

I feel so exhausted from all of this.

I feel like I'm back at LAST December, weighing up suicide options that are the least painful.

I'm thankful for good friends throughout this, though. I've been able to talk to my besties about this and have been really blessed to make a new friend at work. Let's call her "Sarah". She's really cute and Filo like me (woohoo) and has supported me through this awful time with text messages and being a good listener. In amongst all this pain and insecurity, I at least have good friends. Praise God.

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