God makes beauty from ashes

I work in an open plan office. It's a huge floor with huge windows and every window has a lovely view of the city around us. So, I used this to my advantage today and tracked "Sally" and her EVERY move from when I received her email about a meeting (8:45am) to when we were scheduled to be in the meeting room (12noon). I worried the entire time I followed her bobbing, blonde head around. I stared at the clock on my computer screen so hard and for so long, the image blurred. Every minute leading up to 'the meeting' was pure torture. Am I getting fired? Why haven't I saved more money for times like this? How quickly can I get another job? What have I done wrong? *mentally scanning for anything I could have done wrong and not finding anything so wondering if I accidentally downloaded and watched hours of porn on my work computer* Worrying, worrying, worrying. Worrying some more. Tracking Sally's every move around the office. Wondering when she ...

No. That's the simple answer. I'd rather know NOW whatever you have to say to me. Not in 30 minutes and certainly NOT in 3 hour's time when I will have worked myself up into an anxious frenzy. For the love of God, don't give me ample time to torture myself. Because I will instantly go to the WORST case scenarious and I will beat myself up about them so that by the time you actually see me, I'm a blithering, shaking, sweating mess. It all kicked off with an email from my new boss - "Sally". Just a line in the subject heading "Hi - can we please have a quick catch up at 8:30? I will meet you in the Swan [meeting] Room" In my mind and heart - COMPLETE PANIC. It seems like a very reasonable request, right? It seems fine "a quick catch up". She's even said 'please' in her request. Very polite. But things like this scare me. I hate things like this. Why do we need to go to a meeting room? I'm convinced it...

I say to myself all the time "yeah, Imma do that" with challenges, but I never. I procrastinate and I let fear, worry and anxiety stop me from doing a lot of things. Like writing a book. I have always wanted to write a book. But what shall I write about? What if people don't like it? What if I fail? What if I don't finish it? Well. Today I'm going to write a book. Chapter 1 of it, anyway. You have exclusive access to it on my blog because you basically know all my secrets anyway...so enjoy! TITLE of my book:  Jane Bevan is a knob. Prologue: You're probably wondering who "Jane Bevan" is. It might surprise you to find out she's someone I've never actually met. Her name popped up on facebook as she had reacted to a picture of a snake on someone's post - saying she was offended and that whoever posted it should have considered how people with arachnophobia would feel having to look at it. Pfft. When did we get so ...

I do a new thing lately where I try to see people through God's eyes. I struggle to grasp how deeply and widely and amazingly He loves each of us so instead, I've managed to look at people as if I'm the one who loves them. I will see a guy on the bus, rubbing his hands together to keep warm and I'll find it adoreable. A voice in my head will say "someone loves him. So much. Someone waits to hold those very hands he's trying to keep warm and someone and loves the safe, warm feel of them" and I really like that . I'll see a woman on the train, weary from a day's work and walking with a slight limp because she's been in uncomfortable heels all day and I'll hear that voice again: "someone loves her. So much. Someone she will complain to about her sore feet who will rub them better and make her laugh after a long day". And do you know what's interesting? Now that I see people through eyes of love, I've not seen an unattract...

Yep. The 11 kilos I worked SO DAMN HARD to lose - are back on. It was so easy putting them back on. It took a matter of weeks. It took almost a year to lose them!!! WHAT AM I DOING?!? I see myself in mirrors or window reflections and it makes me sad. Why are you fat again, JD? Why? I'll tell you why. Because I'm addicted to sugar . I love it. I think about it all day. I plan my entire day around eating "first I'll have...then work...then I'll eat..." and so on. When I'm losing weight and looking right, my mentality changes and I start planning my day around outfits instead of food. "I will save up for those jeans/that dress" and I start thinking about what colours/fabrics/accessories go with my dark skin and what belts and scarves I can wear with outfits. That's when I know I'm on a winning streak. I know I'm on a losing streak right now and in a bad place food-wise (and weight-wise) because I'm struggling to do t...

"It's up to you what you want to do about this" Alun said, turning his phone screen towards me. On his facebook messages was one from Gracie. It said something like "please ask Janet to un-block me on facebook, I want us to be friends again" At the time, I think Alun and I were packing our cases and preparing for flights to Borneo, so I just shrugged, put it in the "deal with it later" basket in my mind and we moved on. A few days ago, I remembered and 'un-blocked' Gracie. I don't even know anymore why I did it...because even as I write to you, I don't think I want to be friends again. I think if anything, I did it because I hate the thought of my brother 'blocking me' and I am so happy for the opportunity to undo the blocking of someone else. As I've said before, I'm a fence tearer - not a fence builder :) and yet! I have to make measured, careful, wise choices about fences in general. The reasons they went up in...

I've not experienced them a lot in my life - or if I have, they've been so few and far between and not as frightening - so I haven't had much chance to remember them...but the ones I'm having lately? I will never forget. Panic attacks. They suck balls. I got my first one the other day. I was okay to begin with. Tired from recovering from the dreaded flu during the week. It has amazed me how much the flu has completely knocked me off my feet. I haven't felt this unwell in a very long time, you guys. It was awful. I was in such pain all over my body and had a banging headache that just alternated from 'really bad' to 'a lot worse'. It did not get better throughout the week. I had the chills and a fever and felt like I was freezing all the time. My eyes were gritty and sore and my throat honestly felt like it had been cut deeply from the inside, that's how much it hurt. I had absolutely no energy and even the smallest things - like having a...