Now that I've written that, I can remember other things I've loved spending HUGE amounts on:
* the first time I got my hair chemically straightened :)
* when I bought Jon a "year's pass" to the movies - he loved that gift more than anything else I've ever given him
* any time I give Mom 'board money' because she's always so grateful and seeing her smile is a blessing
anyway *sigh* back to the point...
...today I'm writing to you from a Travelodge Hotel Room. I know...not the most amazing Hotel - but you wouldnt believe how nice my room is. It's a "deluxe suite" and is big, comfortable, pretty and best of all *big smile* it's airconditioned!!! OH YEAH!!!
In this horrid, dry and yet super humid Perth heat...being able to sleep to the hum of a working and LOVELY air conditioner is definitely worth the money I've paid.
Here's what lead to this:
My anxiety began with coming home to find the carpet pulled up, my clothes EVERYWHERE, dust everywhere, odd bits of wood and other 'bits' around the house and the sound of an electric drill coming from Mom's bedroom. Dad came out with no shirt on, covered in sweat and sporting a proud grin. "I'm redecorating the flat AND installing an aircon for your Mother". Dad was also very clearly drunk and was swaying unsteadily.
Uhhh Dad, you're drunk. Also, you're not qualifed for this type of work. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU DOING???
I didnt say that, though. I just nodded and guestured at the drill.
"Oh this?" Dad said and waved it happily "this is a man's best friend"
I thought that was a DOG, Dad.
I didnt say that, either.
I sat miserably on the couch and the already small and cluttered room closed in on me. My eyes and throat started to feel scratcy from all the dust. I looked at my watch. Only 5pm. Too early to pretend to be tired and go to bed and hope it would all be better in the morning. Dad called out "love, I've taken the toilet apart...ummm...probably shouldnt have done that....how long can you hold it in?" and my heart beat went up. My chest got really tight.
oh crap. oh crap. oh crap.
An hour later and I was rocking while sat on the couch. I dont know why. I had the news on tv, but couldnt hear it over Dad's crashing in the other room. I heard a loud "bang" and cautiously called out: "Dad? you ok?" and got back "hrrphmmpfff...im fine...no need to come in here". He sounded like he was speaking through a wrapping paper roll. I was worried but DID NOT want to get involved.
Another hour passed and Mom came home. Early. With a box of wine, a glass of half filled wine already in her hand (how did she manage THAT?) and a 6 pack of cider for Dad.
Oh Lord.
10 minutes later - ALOT of giggling and shuffling about from my parents somewhere in the jungle that is Mom's room. Then I heard Dad say "shhh! Janet will hear!" and more giggling. Dad and Mom (now BOTH using powertools - God help us) came out an hour after that and looked pretty pleased. They had dismantled a cupboard (why?) put up new blinds (which were actually really nice) and taken out a window. They had put a new air conditioner on the window sill and put bits of wood around it to 'seal it off'. Dad pointed behind him at Mom's room. "We cant go in there for about 3-4 hours, Janet - we need to let it set and give the air con time to work"
I was already so tired, so stressed and pretty unhappy. With the news that I wouldnt be able to go to Mom's room and would have to stay in the living room with unpredictable parents for the night pushed me over the edge. I turned my laptop on and started scanning for hotel rooms.
I care about you and because I do, I want to explain why I didnt call Alun or ask a good friend if I could just stay with them:
* I didnt call Alun because he was at home with his mates who were only just back from the mines where they had been away the whole week. "6 nations" rugby is on and I thought for once that Alun deserved a break from having to "rescue Janet". I decided to leave the poor boy alone.
* I didnt call a good friend (and if Caris is reading this, she'll get cross because she's said time and time again that I can always "crash" at hers if I need it) because in the depressed and fragile state I am...I cant think clearly. When I think about spending time with someone - with ANYONE - right NOW...I think I have to impress them. I think I have to be at my funniest and most entertaining. I think I have to "fire on all cylinders" and I think that if I'm in their home - I am in their service and cannot rest or even THINK about resting until they are fast asleep - no matter how late that is. I think I need to be "on" the entire time. I also feel instantly like I owe someone everything I have when they take me into their home.
This is how my stupid mind works when I'm depressed.
I was exhausted just thinking about pretending to be strong and happy when I'm anything but that...so that's why I didnt call a friend...it wears me out and makes me more unhappy than you can imagine.
So...I looked on "last minute.com" and found a pretty good deal - 2 nights in a "deluxe" hotel for $270.00 dollars.
The next 10 minutes...I warred with myself and tiny Janet inside my heart. The ME that is said "wtf are you DOING? that is money you should save for a new place/your studies/an emergency/driving lessons/something responsible" and decided I should just stay up with Mom and Dad. I could catch up on sleep when Dad went back to Karatha in 2 days time. 2 days isnt long. I can do it.
Tiny Janet was saying "you need some SPACE and you NEED IT RIGHT NOW. Dont wait. dont think. Just press "send" on the confirmation and pack your bag. Explain to your folks that you love them so much but you're not coping and could do with an early night and a good night's sleep. They wont mind, they're drunk and wont remember. JUST GO. You have work on Monday and need to get some proper sleep/rest before then. Book that room and go for it while you still can.
So I did it. I pressed "send" with shaky fingers.
I said "Mom, I'm just getting my clothes off the line" (i dont have that many that fit me now so had to wash all 6 items when I got back from Alun's. GRR). I got a puzzled look. When I'd done that, I pulled down Mom's suitcase from the cupboard and didnt even bother folding my clothes, I just flung them in.
I went out to the balcony and with tears streaming down my face from the combination of excitement, fear, great GREAT anxiety and depression, I started talking at 90 miles an hour "ineedyoubothtopleasejustbehappyforme" Dad and Mom gave me blank looks. I then explained that I loved them both, I didnt want to hurt or offend them or seem rude but I'd found a great deal online for a hotel room for NOW and had booked it for tonight and tomorrow night. In a desperate effort to appease Dad, I gave him my best "please remember I used to be your little girl" look and said "Dad...you have depression - I know you'll understand this, right?"
And he did. Dad actually did. He stood up, hugged me tight and said "grab this opportunity with both hands, kiddo. Where are you going?"
and this next part is hard to blog because Im ashamed. I lied.
I got scared that if I said I'd spent $270.00 on a Travelodge room, Dad would lose his temper at the amount I spent and Mom would lose her temper because she's asian and is all about 'value for money' and would think the Travelodge was a horrid cheap-ass hotel and that I was wasting my money, too.
So I lied. Im so sorry. I hate it and dont do it often, honest.
I said "I found a great Deal at the "Pan Pacific" hotel (our version of the Sheraton Hotel - it's 5 star and absolutely AMAZING) for 2 nights...just $90.00 a night...but I have to go now or I'll lose it"
Dad cheered and Mom nodded in approval. "5 stars, Janet - and only $180.00 for two nights? that's my girl! you go for it"
I called the taxi and had to lie to THEM, too. Mom and Dad were sat on either side of me, holding my hands like I'd won the lotto or something.
WHY DID I LIE???
The taxi was there in 2 minutes, honestly. It was so fast.
I got in and the Indian guy said "where to?" like I hoped he would. I faked a confidence I was FAR from having and said "the Travelodge". He braked. He pointed at some crazy machine on his dashboard that was all lit up. "It says "Pan Pacific" here'. (then why ask me where am I going? honestly???). "Yes. I know that. Sorry. Change of plans" I mumbled and gave him my best "please bear with me" smile. He didnt budge. He pointed angrily at the machine again. "You're going there". I got cross. "I'm not anymore. I am going to the Travelodge"
(side note - Mom and Dad are waving and shouting "Go for it, girl! we're so proud!" from the balcony. WHY isnt the cab pulling away? is this my punishment for lying???)
back to the taxi:
"but you said Pan Pacific" to the operator on the phone" the Taxi driver insisted - his frown deepening.
*getting very anxious and frustrated*
"yes,yes...I know that. Im sorry. I had to change hotels because I couldnt afford a 5 star hotel...OKAY? Please...PLEASE just take me to the Travelodge. Please"
"You shouldnt change at the last minute"
"sorry"
"well you shouldnt. why would you DO that?"
"im sorry"
"why not just say "the Travelodge from the beginning?"
"can we go please?"
* Believe it or not, this conversation went around and around for a painful 20 minutes. Mom and Dad had given up with 'goodbye-ing' and were now back inside watching TV. Thank God.
Finally, the Taxi driver decided I'd had enough punishment and pulled away from the curb. He mentioned my 'change of plans' 40 more times on the way to the Travelodge - which was only 5 minutes away.
*deep sighs*
Anyway...
I'll end on a great note :)
I opened up my very own PRIVATE room and sat on the bed. I listened. I couldnt hear ANYTHING. I loved it.
I unpacked my favourite baby pink pj bottoms and pink singlet. I put them on and took my hair out of its ponytail. My headache left immediately.
My room is GORGEOUS and I felt the cool air con on my face and the peace within the room calmed my frayed nerves.
I slept for 13 hours straight. I woke up to a lovely summer's day and went to the Art Gallery. I love paintings and spent HOURS admiring them all.
I STROLLED today. All day.
Im so happy :)
Im back in the Hotel after a wonderful day of peace and love that I can sit here and blog and be alone again.
I miss Alun, but Im so happy he's having fun with his mates and is relieved of "looking after me" for a bit. I can look after MYSELF. I've GOT this.
Before I go - an Alun update:
I left my folks in such a hurry that I didnt bring my phone charger. If you dont already know this about me, my phone is my LIFE. (I should work on this. God should be my life, not my mobile phone).
I called Alun and left a panicked message saying "dont worry, but I'm in a hotel room. I'm happy, well and fine, darling. Thing is, though...I've left my charger at home and my phone battery is almost flat so I wont be able to text or talk with you tonight...im sorry"
Alun called back 2 seconds later.
"Darling - are you ok?"
so I quickly filled him in. I left out the bit about lying to my parents and massively downplayed my depression and anxiety. I basically left Alun thinking I was living the high life and 'treating myself' for a bit.
Alun knew better and made sure I was ACTUALLY okay.
(I love this man, did I tell you that already?)
10 minutes later, my room phone rings.
"Hello, this is reception...your boyfriend called and has asked us to bring you a Nokia phone charger, we'll be pleased to do that madam - be up in 3 minutes"
and my phone got charged.
Another call:
"your boyfriend called again to thank us - he is very charming, Madam. He also gave us his credit card number and said to charge any food or drink you would wish for to his account - will you be wanting any room service?"
Im stunned, seriously. How did I get this man???
Fortunately for Alun, I wasnt hungry. I was too tired from such an emotional evening. I declined the food service, climbed into a HUGE bed with AMAZING pillows and was asleep in minutes.
Turns out after all that...I didnt even use my phone. Not once. (
Too busy snoring, I think)
Go figure xx
* the first time I got my hair chemically straightened :)
* when I bought Jon a "year's pass" to the movies - he loved that gift more than anything else I've ever given him
* any time I give Mom 'board money' because she's always so grateful and seeing her smile is a blessing
anyway *sigh* back to the point...
...today I'm writing to you from a Travelodge Hotel Room. I know...not the most amazing Hotel - but you wouldnt believe how nice my room is. It's a "deluxe suite" and is big, comfortable, pretty and best of all *big smile* it's airconditioned!!! OH YEAH!!!
In this horrid, dry and yet super humid Perth heat...being able to sleep to the hum of a working and LOVELY air conditioner is definitely worth the money I've paid.
Here's what lead to this:
My anxiety began with coming home to find the carpet pulled up, my clothes EVERYWHERE, dust everywhere, odd bits of wood and other 'bits' around the house and the sound of an electric drill coming from Mom's bedroom. Dad came out with no shirt on, covered in sweat and sporting a proud grin. "I'm redecorating the flat AND installing an aircon for your Mother". Dad was also very clearly drunk and was swaying unsteadily.
Uhhh Dad, you're drunk. Also, you're not qualifed for this type of work. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU DOING???
I didnt say that, though. I just nodded and guestured at the drill.
"Oh this?" Dad said and waved it happily "this is a man's best friend"
I thought that was a DOG, Dad.
I didnt say that, either.
I sat miserably on the couch and the already small and cluttered room closed in on me. My eyes and throat started to feel scratcy from all the dust. I looked at my watch. Only 5pm. Too early to pretend to be tired and go to bed and hope it would all be better in the morning. Dad called out "love, I've taken the toilet apart...ummm...probably shouldnt have done that....how long can you hold it in?" and my heart beat went up. My chest got really tight.
oh crap. oh crap. oh crap.
An hour later and I was rocking while sat on the couch. I dont know why. I had the news on tv, but couldnt hear it over Dad's crashing in the other room. I heard a loud "bang" and cautiously called out: "Dad? you ok?" and got back "hrrphmmpfff...im fine...no need to come in here". He sounded like he was speaking through a wrapping paper roll. I was worried but DID NOT want to get involved.
Another hour passed and Mom came home. Early. With a box of wine, a glass of half filled wine already in her hand (how did she manage THAT?) and a 6 pack of cider for Dad.
Oh Lord.
10 minutes later - ALOT of giggling and shuffling about from my parents somewhere in the jungle that is Mom's room. Then I heard Dad say "shhh! Janet will hear!" and more giggling. Dad and Mom (now BOTH using powertools - God help us) came out an hour after that and looked pretty pleased. They had dismantled a cupboard (why?) put up new blinds (which were actually really nice) and taken out a window. They had put a new air conditioner on the window sill and put bits of wood around it to 'seal it off'. Dad pointed behind him at Mom's room. "We cant go in there for about 3-4 hours, Janet - we need to let it set and give the air con time to work"
I was already so tired, so stressed and pretty unhappy. With the news that I wouldnt be able to go to Mom's room and would have to stay in the living room with unpredictable parents for the night pushed me over the edge. I turned my laptop on and started scanning for hotel rooms.
I care about you and because I do, I want to explain why I didnt call Alun or ask a good friend if I could just stay with them:
* I didnt call Alun because he was at home with his mates who were only just back from the mines where they had been away the whole week. "6 nations" rugby is on and I thought for once that Alun deserved a break from having to "rescue Janet". I decided to leave the poor boy alone.
* I didnt call a good friend (and if Caris is reading this, she'll get cross because she's said time and time again that I can always "crash" at hers if I need it) because in the depressed and fragile state I am...I cant think clearly. When I think about spending time with someone - with ANYONE - right NOW...I think I have to impress them. I think I have to be at my funniest and most entertaining. I think I have to "fire on all cylinders" and I think that if I'm in their home - I am in their service and cannot rest or even THINK about resting until they are fast asleep - no matter how late that is. I think I need to be "on" the entire time. I also feel instantly like I owe someone everything I have when they take me into their home.
This is how my stupid mind works when I'm depressed.
I was exhausted just thinking about pretending to be strong and happy when I'm anything but that...so that's why I didnt call a friend...it wears me out and makes me more unhappy than you can imagine.
So...I looked on "last minute.com" and found a pretty good deal - 2 nights in a "deluxe" hotel for $270.00 dollars.
The next 10 minutes...I warred with myself and tiny Janet inside my heart. The ME that is said "wtf are you DOING? that is money you should save for a new place/your studies/an emergency/driving lessons/something responsible" and decided I should just stay up with Mom and Dad. I could catch up on sleep when Dad went back to Karatha in 2 days time. 2 days isnt long. I can do it.
Tiny Janet was saying "you need some SPACE and you NEED IT RIGHT NOW. Dont wait. dont think. Just press "send" on the confirmation and pack your bag. Explain to your folks that you love them so much but you're not coping and could do with an early night and a good night's sleep. They wont mind, they're drunk and wont remember. JUST GO. You have work on Monday and need to get some proper sleep/rest before then. Book that room and go for it while you still can.
So I did it. I pressed "send" with shaky fingers.
I said "Mom, I'm just getting my clothes off the line" (i dont have that many that fit me now so had to wash all 6 items when I got back from Alun's. GRR). I got a puzzled look. When I'd done that, I pulled down Mom's suitcase from the cupboard and didnt even bother folding my clothes, I just flung them in.
I went out to the balcony and with tears streaming down my face from the combination of excitement, fear, great GREAT anxiety and depression, I started talking at 90 miles an hour "ineedyoubothtopleasejustbehappyforme" Dad and Mom gave me blank looks. I then explained that I loved them both, I didnt want to hurt or offend them or seem rude but I'd found a great deal online for a hotel room for NOW and had booked it for tonight and tomorrow night. In a desperate effort to appease Dad, I gave him my best "please remember I used to be your little girl" look and said "Dad...you have depression - I know you'll understand this, right?"
And he did. Dad actually did. He stood up, hugged me tight and said "grab this opportunity with both hands, kiddo. Where are you going?"
and this next part is hard to blog because Im ashamed. I lied.
I got scared that if I said I'd spent $270.00 on a Travelodge room, Dad would lose his temper at the amount I spent and Mom would lose her temper because she's asian and is all about 'value for money' and would think the Travelodge was a horrid cheap-ass hotel and that I was wasting my money, too.
So I lied. Im so sorry. I hate it and dont do it often, honest.
I said "I found a great Deal at the "Pan Pacific" hotel (our version of the Sheraton Hotel - it's 5 star and absolutely AMAZING) for 2 nights...just $90.00 a night...but I have to go now or I'll lose it"
Dad cheered and Mom nodded in approval. "5 stars, Janet - and only $180.00 for two nights? that's my girl! you go for it"
I called the taxi and had to lie to THEM, too. Mom and Dad were sat on either side of me, holding my hands like I'd won the lotto or something.
WHY DID I LIE???
The taxi was there in 2 minutes, honestly. It was so fast.
I got in and the Indian guy said "where to?" like I hoped he would. I faked a confidence I was FAR from having and said "the Travelodge". He braked. He pointed at some crazy machine on his dashboard that was all lit up. "It says "Pan Pacific" here'. (then why ask me where am I going? honestly???). "Yes. I know that. Sorry. Change of plans" I mumbled and gave him my best "please bear with me" smile. He didnt budge. He pointed angrily at the machine again. "You're going there". I got cross. "I'm not anymore. I am going to the Travelodge"
(side note - Mom and Dad are waving and shouting "Go for it, girl! we're so proud!" from the balcony. WHY isnt the cab pulling away? is this my punishment for lying???)
back to the taxi:
"but you said Pan Pacific" to the operator on the phone" the Taxi driver insisted - his frown deepening.
*getting very anxious and frustrated*
"yes,yes...I know that. Im sorry. I had to change hotels because I couldnt afford a 5 star hotel...OKAY? Please...PLEASE just take me to the Travelodge. Please"
"You shouldnt change at the last minute"
"sorry"
"well you shouldnt. why would you DO that?"
"im sorry"
"why not just say "the Travelodge from the beginning?"
"can we go please?"
* Believe it or not, this conversation went around and around for a painful 20 minutes. Mom and Dad had given up with 'goodbye-ing' and were now back inside watching TV. Thank God.
Finally, the Taxi driver decided I'd had enough punishment and pulled away from the curb. He mentioned my 'change of plans' 40 more times on the way to the Travelodge - which was only 5 minutes away.
*deep sighs*
Anyway...
I'll end on a great note :)
I opened up my very own PRIVATE room and sat on the bed. I listened. I couldnt hear ANYTHING. I loved it.
I unpacked my favourite baby pink pj bottoms and pink singlet. I put them on and took my hair out of its ponytail. My headache left immediately.
My room is GORGEOUS and I felt the cool air con on my face and the peace within the room calmed my frayed nerves.
I slept for 13 hours straight. I woke up to a lovely summer's day and went to the Art Gallery. I love paintings and spent HOURS admiring them all.
I STROLLED today. All day.
Im so happy :)
Im back in the Hotel after a wonderful day of peace and love that I can sit here and blog and be alone again.
I miss Alun, but Im so happy he's having fun with his mates and is relieved of "looking after me" for a bit. I can look after MYSELF. I've GOT this.
Before I go - an Alun update:
I left my folks in such a hurry that I didnt bring my phone charger. If you dont already know this about me, my phone is my LIFE. (I should work on this. God should be my life, not my mobile phone).
I called Alun and left a panicked message saying "dont worry, but I'm in a hotel room. I'm happy, well and fine, darling. Thing is, though...I've left my charger at home and my phone battery is almost flat so I wont be able to text or talk with you tonight...im sorry"
Alun called back 2 seconds later.
"Darling - are you ok?"
so I quickly filled him in. I left out the bit about lying to my parents and massively downplayed my depression and anxiety. I basically left Alun thinking I was living the high life and 'treating myself' for a bit.
Alun knew better and made sure I was ACTUALLY okay.
(I love this man, did I tell you that already?)
10 minutes later, my room phone rings.
"Hello, this is reception...your boyfriend called and has asked us to bring you a Nokia phone charger, we'll be pleased to do that madam - be up in 3 minutes"
and my phone got charged.
Another call:
"your boyfriend called again to thank us - he is very charming, Madam. He also gave us his credit card number and said to charge any food or drink you would wish for to his account - will you be wanting any room service?"
Im stunned, seriously. How did I get this man???
Fortunately for Alun, I wasnt hungry. I was too tired from such an emotional evening. I declined the food service, climbed into a HUGE bed with AMAZING pillows and was asleep in minutes.
Turns out after all that...I didnt even use my phone. Not once. (
Too busy snoring, I think)
Go figure xx
I <3 this :)
ReplyDeleteI wrote a long response about how I once fell asleep entirely by accident in a company car park on an industrial estate and when the guy whose company I was parked at woke me up & shouted at me, all I could think of to say was, "...I'm meeting someone..." instead of explaining that I was supposed to be there to visit the company & convince them to let me put an honesty box in their office as an RSPCA fundraiser. But I accidentally pushed a button and deleted it all. So that's the abridged version. Anyway, sounds like you needed a decent sleep! You'll laugh about the taxi-driver one day, I promise... (hopefully tomorrow)
ReplyDeleteCat and Lynelle. There is a secret sign on both your foreheads that says "AWESOME". What great blessings you both are to me. Lynelle - you are a dork and make me feel normal!!! HAHAHAHAHHA! Hope it worked out in the end. I dont find the taxi driver funny YET but one day soon I will. I hope :) xx
ReplyDeleteYeah, well, carpark guy shouted at me for, like, five straight minutes until it suddenly occurred to me that I was IN MY CAR and could just drive away, so I said, "I'm really sorry and I'll go", and left. Yeah... it was a few days before I could laugh about that one, but I got there in the end. Heheh.
ReplyDelete