For goodness sake.
After I blogged to you (is there anyone but my darling "Atta" reading this? It's okay if it's just you - at least I know someone is with me on this journey), I wrote the most heart-wrenching blog of my life...on a NEW blog site I created for just my eyes and no one else.
I titled it "The story of my life".
The first blog, was "Chapter 1"...and I wrote about being 5 years old, moving to Australia with my Mom and Step-Father (who is just "Dad" to me, he's the only Dad I've ever known) and about the scariest moment of my little girl life - when my parents brought home my little brother.
That was a pivotal moment in my life - the very first crisis I faced on my own and it has shaped and altered the person I am now.
I placed the blame of that crisis squarely on my Dad's shoulders.
I've wanted to talk about how I felt - hurt, abandoned, passed over, replaced - for so long in my life...it was finally good to 'pen it' and I came away from that blog lighter - less of a burden on my shoulders.
I slept soundly that night, feeling as if I'd grown another inch just by finally stating how I felt all that time back when I was so little.
The next afternoon, my phone beeped.
A text from Dad, saying "Hey, I just got your very long message. Woah. I didn't understand it all and I didn't want to comment on social media - I'll call you today so we can talk. Love you, Dad xx"
A message?
The last thing I texted Dad was a cartoon of a chicken crossing the road. It was pretty simple to understand and one of the things my Dad loves - daggy cartoons. It certainly wasn't a long message. Hmm.
What was this text about?
Dad rang later that afternoon.
Thankfully, he was sober.
"Darl, listen..." he began.
As he did, my stomach - the very pit of it - curled and launched uncomfortably.
What was going on here?
"I know you went through a lot when you were younger...I know it was a hard time for you. I didn't know the extent of your feelings because you were always a quiet and very private child...but I read your message - well, Chapter 1 of it anyway - and really don't think the story of your life should be public knowledge, do you?"
What he said next was a blur to me. I was too busy having 1000 heart attacks.
Dad had read the story of my life?!?
My PRIVATE BLOG for just me had made its way to my DAD?!?
F*ck.
"I honestly didn't know you felt that way" were the next words I heard him speak...after what seemed like a lifetime of anxiety attacks.
"Dad..." I managed to choke out "I had no idea...how...how did you get this sent to you?"
"I dunno" Dad's voice seemed to shrug "I got a message, I opened it - it was a very long story about you...I read it and didn't know why you'd sent it to me, to be honest"
Sh*t.
My mind was racing - scrambling as fast as it could to remember every single word I'd written.
How had my DAD been sent this?
What the hell?!?
My mind raced back and forth - trying to be calm and reasonable on the phone with my Dad, keeping up pretences that "everything was fine" when really, my entire world was crumbling before my very eyes.
When I pressed "save" on my blog, had I somehow inadvertently emailed it to my Dad?
Was there a "send to all" button I had pressed instead?
Yes. That had to be it.
Why had I done that? FFS.
Back to Dad: -
"I can tell you're panicking *soft chuckle* maybe just go back over whatever site you created and see how far it's reached and then you can put out any fires, eh?"
Why was Dad taking this so well?
How do I stop my heart from beating straight out of my chest?
"Sure. I'll take a look" I said. I felt I had to say something.
"Dad?" I asked, cautiously
"Yes?" Dad answered - a smile in his voice
"I love you very much, you know that, right?"
Again, I'm 5 years old. Just wanting to fit in. Just wanting to belong. Desperately wanting my Dad to say all was well.
"Yes I know. You tell me all the time" Dad laughed softly.
"Right"
"Ok then, I'll see you for family dinner on Saturday. Try not to worry about it, chook - it's water under the bridge"
It is?
"Okay then. Yep - see you on the weekend" I gurgled. Chest closing in. I think I'm dying.
Calm down, Janet. Just breathe.
I logged back into my new blog - no 'send' buttons there. Just save ones. And another that I had pressed labelled "Google".
What did that button DO?!?
Did everyone on Google have this, now???
Maybe pressing GOOGLE (Why did I do that?!? Honestly??? What is WRONG with me?!?) sent it to everyone on my Google contacts list?
I facebooked my dilemma and it appears that NO ONE BUT MY DAD got a copy of my PRIVATE blog.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I got through the rest of that afternoon and the evening on auto-pilot.
I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Lost.
I honestly feel like my insides - my very soul - my PRIVATE version of myself - has been sent in a huge poster to my Dad - with a million copies.
I have deleted said blog. Only this one exists now.
Or does it?!?
How do I delete my Dad's copy of it???
HOW DID HE GET IT?!?
Omg. I feel sick over this.
After I blogged to you (is there anyone but my darling "Atta" reading this? It's okay if it's just you - at least I know someone is with me on this journey), I wrote the most heart-wrenching blog of my life...on a NEW blog site I created for just my eyes and no one else.
I titled it "The story of my life".
The first blog, was "Chapter 1"...and I wrote about being 5 years old, moving to Australia with my Mom and Step-Father (who is just "Dad" to me, he's the only Dad I've ever known) and about the scariest moment of my little girl life - when my parents brought home my little brother.
That was a pivotal moment in my life - the very first crisis I faced on my own and it has shaped and altered the person I am now.
I placed the blame of that crisis squarely on my Dad's shoulders.
I've wanted to talk about how I felt - hurt, abandoned, passed over, replaced - for so long in my life...it was finally good to 'pen it' and I came away from that blog lighter - less of a burden on my shoulders.
I slept soundly that night, feeling as if I'd grown another inch just by finally stating how I felt all that time back when I was so little.
The next afternoon, my phone beeped.
A text from Dad, saying "Hey, I just got your very long message. Woah. I didn't understand it all and I didn't want to comment on social media - I'll call you today so we can talk. Love you, Dad xx"
A message?
The last thing I texted Dad was a cartoon of a chicken crossing the road. It was pretty simple to understand and one of the things my Dad loves - daggy cartoons. It certainly wasn't a long message. Hmm.
What was this text about?
Dad rang later that afternoon.
Thankfully, he was sober.
"Darl, listen..." he began.
As he did, my stomach - the very pit of it - curled and launched uncomfortably.
What was going on here?
"I know you went through a lot when you were younger...I know it was a hard time for you. I didn't know the extent of your feelings because you were always a quiet and very private child...but I read your message - well, Chapter 1 of it anyway - and really don't think the story of your life should be public knowledge, do you?"
What he said next was a blur to me. I was too busy having 1000 heart attacks.
Dad had read the story of my life?!?
My PRIVATE BLOG for just me had made its way to my DAD?!?
F*ck.
"I honestly didn't know you felt that way" were the next words I heard him speak...after what seemed like a lifetime of anxiety attacks.
"Dad..." I managed to choke out "I had no idea...how...how did you get this sent to you?"
"I dunno" Dad's voice seemed to shrug "I got a message, I opened it - it was a very long story about you...I read it and didn't know why you'd sent it to me, to be honest"
Sh*t.
My mind was racing - scrambling as fast as it could to remember every single word I'd written.
How had my DAD been sent this?
What the hell?!?
My mind raced back and forth - trying to be calm and reasonable on the phone with my Dad, keeping up pretences that "everything was fine" when really, my entire world was crumbling before my very eyes.
When I pressed "save" on my blog, had I somehow inadvertently emailed it to my Dad?
Was there a "send to all" button I had pressed instead?
Yes. That had to be it.
Why had I done that? FFS.
Back to Dad: -
"I can tell you're panicking *soft chuckle* maybe just go back over whatever site you created and see how far it's reached and then you can put out any fires, eh?"
Why was Dad taking this so well?
How do I stop my heart from beating straight out of my chest?
"Sure. I'll take a look" I said. I felt I had to say something.
"Dad?" I asked, cautiously
"Yes?" Dad answered - a smile in his voice
"I love you very much, you know that, right?"
Again, I'm 5 years old. Just wanting to fit in. Just wanting to belong. Desperately wanting my Dad to say all was well.
"Yes I know. You tell me all the time" Dad laughed softly.
"Right"
"Ok then, I'll see you for family dinner on Saturday. Try not to worry about it, chook - it's water under the bridge"
It is?
"Okay then. Yep - see you on the weekend" I gurgled. Chest closing in. I think I'm dying.
Calm down, Janet. Just breathe.
I logged back into my new blog - no 'send' buttons there. Just save ones. And another that I had pressed labelled "Google".
What did that button DO?!?
Did everyone on Google have this, now???
Maybe pressing GOOGLE (Why did I do that?!? Honestly??? What is WRONG with me?!?) sent it to everyone on my Google contacts list?
I facebooked my dilemma and it appears that NO ONE BUT MY DAD got a copy of my PRIVATE blog.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I got through the rest of that afternoon and the evening on auto-pilot.
I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Lost.
I honestly feel like my insides - my very soul - my PRIVATE version of myself - has been sent in a huge poster to my Dad - with a million copies.
I have deleted said blog. Only this one exists now.
Or does it?!?
How do I delete my Dad's copy of it???
HOW DID HE GET IT?!?
Omg. I feel sick over this.
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