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what's on my mind

Grey words in my Facebook status ask "What's on your mind, Janet?"

Well today, I'll tell you.

I'm grieving because my brother has cut me out of his life. I miss him. I'm grieving because he and Kate have had a little baby boy - Sebastian Jay - and he's as cute as a button. I have a nephew and I'd so love to hold him.

But I will never be allowed.

And I take that personally....because it is personal, after all.

Mom rang today and followed up our  phone conversation with an updated picture of week-old Sebastian - he looks so much like Jay did as I baby. I know, because from the moment they brought him home, I was my brother's keeper. I was his protector and his shadow. I loved him and I gave Mom a run for her money when it came to mothering him. I fed him, rocked him to sleep, told him stories, prayed for him, sang to him, tickled his toes and blew raspberries on his stomach. He was everything to me.

It hurts me so much that I'm nothing to him.

Common sense says to leave it be. Common sense reminds me that this is Jay's choice and his choice alone - to block me out. To harbour the grudge and unforgiveness he wants to cling tightly to. I have apologised and I so want to move on from this - as a family - but until Jay agrees (and I'm not holding my breath)...all I can do is wait.

It's painful to know that out there is a little baby that's my nephew and I may never get to meet him.

I shouldn't care...but I do. I do so much that it breaks my heart over and over.

People not in my situation who have no experience of being shunned by a family member they so love give flippant advice "just let it go", "don't worry about it", "Don't over think it" "It's probably better for you that Jay's not in your life - he just hurts you" "Move on"...

...but how?

I feel like it's the same as telling a girl to "just get over" a boy she's fallen in love with.

"just get over it"

"just forget about it"

"move on"

Supposedly it's so easy.

But it's not easy.

 It's painful.

I want to cry and scream and rage at Jay. I want to beg and plead. I want to cajole.

I want to ignore it.

I desperately want to forget it.

I want to move on.

But...how?

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