Hey you,
I wanted to fill you in on where I'm at right now. I'm hoping that as I write and explain it to you, I'll gain a better understanding of it myself.
Here goes:
I am deeply unhappy - because I'm knackered. I'm so physically, emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTED that I'm fed up, burnt out - and I just want to quit. Not just my job - I want to quit EVERYTHING.
Guys, I'm just so tired.
Tired in my very bones - that kind of tired.
I've been going on and on about my weight so just over a week ago, I decided I'd do something about it. I signed up for the "28 day challenge" at the same gym Alun goes to. They run a daily 'bootcamp' and Alun swears by it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! OMG.
What's surprising is - I actually really like it. I liked 'bootcamp' right away. It's held in a Warehouse/open plan gym that's huge. There are around 30-60 people who go and it's held EVERY DAY for 6 days a week. Just Sunday's off. (Praise God for Sundays). It's a series of 'pods' around the gym and each pod is a high intensity work-out that you have to complete as fast as you can in under 5 minutes without stopping. Every 5 minutes, the coaches will yell "Okay, next station/pod, guys!" and the music will change and you move along to the next pod (workout station) and start over. There are no 'rest' times between sets.
It.
Is.
Gruelling.
Yesterday for instance, I did weight lifting, sit-ups, burpees (omg I hate them), pull-ups on a bar (they were so hard) and squat jumps.
By the time the last whistle blew and the music was turned down, I just layed on the ground and moaned "just leave me here to die".
The coaches come around during the work outs and shout encouragement at us. At the end of a 45 minute bootcamp, they come around and high-five us. It all sounds very silly but man, I live for that 'end of session' high-five. It means I didn't give up. I made it!
So that's what's physically wearing me out.
On a 'day off' from work and the gym, I'm racing around the house doing all the chores that piled up during the week. Alun and I are a pretty good team and we both hustle at home, trying to keep everything clean and tidy. It should be simple and straightforward but it's wearing me out - this constant motion. I can't remember the last time I just sat and breathed.
Alun is so excited about bootcamp. He loves to do things together and he's excited on the weekend too - to do the gardening/cleaning/some other high-energy activity - which is just insane to me because I long for a book and a cup of tea. I don't know how Alun's energy lasts and lasts. Bootcamp combined with long hours at work is definitely draining it from me. By the time we get home from gym training, I shower and go to bed. Alun spends hours awake, jumping around the house, giggling away to himself or doing something he enjoys.
I can't keep up.
And that worries me.
Work is taking a massive toll on me. It is hectic here with new projects opening up and new people all over the place. It's my job as receptionist to know who's here at what time and why and that's very difficult to do when 30 people I've never met have their own access passes to the building "from before" and I suddenly see them sauntering around the office. My job is to be all things (maid, cleaner, admin assistant, personal assistant, receptionist, office manager, facilities manager) to all people and to be able to correctly predict what they want from me and have to have it ready - in advance - without fail.
I want to scream sometimes. I want to say "I was hired as the receptionist, you know. Just that!"
I was 'given' office management and facilities duties as I went along so now I do THREE jobs for the same amount of money as I was being paid for ONE. I race around like a crazy person trying to get everything done for everyone.
It is insane.
It is exhausting.
By the time I get home and wearily put my key in the front door, my heart absolutely sinks at the sight of Alun's form - kitted out in gym gear. His big, excited smile; excited for bootcamp and whatever physical hell it holds that day.
"Come on, Gorg - let's go!"
But Alun, you get to sleep in all morning tomorrow. I have to get up at 6:00am for work.
I can't keep up at this relentless pace.
Something has to give.
I feel like I spend my entire life - every minute that I'm not wearily asleep, I'm running, jumping, ducking and diving...constantly racing about and I don't even know what for anymore.
How do I get out of this?
Where is the REST at the end of the tunnel?
Because I'm physically and mentally (work and gym) worn out, I find I have nothing left emotionally, either. I am an empty, weary, fed up vessel.
I don't want to see anyone I love or spend time with them. I don't want to hear from them. My phone will 'ping' with a text or ring and I'll look at the screen and just want to cry because I don't have anything to give. I am so empty and so tired that I just want to be left alone.
Please. I just want to be left in peace.
Because I know I'm struggling - I booked myself a half day off this week.
4 hours - in between work and bootcamp where I could just rest.
On my own.
I smiled away to myself as I emailed my Boss and asked to leave on Thursday at 1pm. I pictured myself getting home, putting on my pjs, clicking onto "Netflix", grabbing a bag of chips or popcorn (Shh! Don't tell my coaches! Or Alun! Haha), lowering myself onto the couch or gently into bed with fluffy pillows all around me - and resting.
Oh my word, that will be so good.
Except that at around 11am on Thursday morning, my phone beeped to remind me I had agreed weeks ago to go to a free 'facial/pamper session' with my friend Peta.
Oh Lord.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to see anyone.
So I sent out a careful, hesitant message to Peta "Hey you, are we still meeting up for that facial today? Because...I have to be honest, I'm not in a good place right now and I really need some rest"
Ping!
"At 1pm, gorgeous girl. If you need to cancel, I will understand xx"
Oh Peta. I love you.
But that's where I'm my own worst enemy. Because my need to please is stronger than my need to physically survive. So I text back:
"No no, it's okay. I will meet you there"
And I go - dragging heavy, tired feet down the business centre of our city to meet Peta - who is standing in the sun at the bus stop waiting for me. She beams a big smile and twirls happily in her dress...and it hurts me somehow. It hurts to see someone so happy and at ease when I feel like I'm drowning. I am filled with resentment and a deep sadness about the whole situation.
I just want to go home. Please.
Instead, I beam a happy smile back at my dear friend "Look at you, Missy! So pretty in your new dress"
Inside, I'm dying. I'm fading. I'm hurting. This is so painful and I'm so very, very tired.
Peta links her arm through mine. Her skin is soft and warm from the sun. Her face is so beautiful - she's glowing.
Oh to be that happy.
I switch off. I switch to 'automatic' and I nod and smile as I listen but don't actually hear anything Peta says. I make the right 'face shapes'. I breathe in and out and I sit with Peta in the "skin clinic" waiting room and laugh at the right times when I know she's said something funny or cute.
A lady in white hospital scrubs with perfect blonde hair in a chiffon on her head comes out to the waiting area.
"Janet?"
Startled, I look up. Automatically, I smile.
"Hello?"
She laughs and gestures for me to follow her "Come with me, I'll do your microdermabrasion peel"
So I 'endure' what should be a relaxing, happy experience.
I make all the right "ooos" and "aahhhs" as we exit, thanking the staff for 'the awesome freebie' and touching my face gently in approval.
Inside...I'm still dying. Inside, I'm clawing at life with my fingernails - go away! Just leave me alone
Outside, I am horrified to see myself nodding when Peta asks if I want to "get a coffee" with her.
JD What are you doing???
I want to go home.
So why am I following Peta to a fancy coffee shop?
More dying inside.
More fake smiling.
More appropriate noises "yeah, this place is lovely. Wow"
Inside I'm sickened by my pretence.
"Oh" Peta exclaims, turning her slender wrist to look at her watch "I'd better get back to work! You too?"
Praise God. I can finally leave.
"No work for me, I have the arvo off" I admit.
Peta smiles and hugs me "Go" she emplores with a friendly wink "Enjoy it"
But now, it's 2:30pm and I have bootcamp in 2 and a half hours.
BOOTCAMP.
By the time I get home and kick my shoes off, it's almost 4pm.
My phone rings in my pocket. Alun's gorgeous face flashes up on my phone screen.
Internally, I'm screaming. Please, no more. I can't go on.
"Hey Gorg" I hear myself saying. I feel myself smiling even though my heart is breaking.
"Hey, I'm on my way home - we can do some stretches and warm up for bootcamp - see you soon! Woohoo!"
F*ck.
Alun gets home. He hugs me tight and bounds off to our room to change out of his hospital scrubs and into gym gear.
"This is going to be so much fun!" he calls from down the hall.
And inside...I'm dying.
I wanted to fill you in on where I'm at right now. I'm hoping that as I write and explain it to you, I'll gain a better understanding of it myself.
Here goes:
I am deeply unhappy - because I'm knackered. I'm so physically, emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTED that I'm fed up, burnt out - and I just want to quit. Not just my job - I want to quit EVERYTHING.
Guys, I'm just so tired.
Tired in my very bones - that kind of tired.
I've been going on and on about my weight so just over a week ago, I decided I'd do something about it. I signed up for the "28 day challenge" at the same gym Alun goes to. They run a daily 'bootcamp' and Alun swears by it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! OMG.
What's surprising is - I actually really like it. I liked 'bootcamp' right away. It's held in a Warehouse/open plan gym that's huge. There are around 30-60 people who go and it's held EVERY DAY for 6 days a week. Just Sunday's off. (Praise God for Sundays). It's a series of 'pods' around the gym and each pod is a high intensity work-out that you have to complete as fast as you can in under 5 minutes without stopping. Every 5 minutes, the coaches will yell "Okay, next station/pod, guys!" and the music will change and you move along to the next pod (workout station) and start over. There are no 'rest' times between sets.
It.
Is.
Gruelling.
Yesterday for instance, I did weight lifting, sit-ups, burpees (omg I hate them), pull-ups on a bar (they were so hard) and squat jumps.
By the time the last whistle blew and the music was turned down, I just layed on the ground and moaned "just leave me here to die".
The coaches come around during the work outs and shout encouragement at us. At the end of a 45 minute bootcamp, they come around and high-five us. It all sounds very silly but man, I live for that 'end of session' high-five. It means I didn't give up. I made it!
So that's what's physically wearing me out.
On a 'day off' from work and the gym, I'm racing around the house doing all the chores that piled up during the week. Alun and I are a pretty good team and we both hustle at home, trying to keep everything clean and tidy. It should be simple and straightforward but it's wearing me out - this constant motion. I can't remember the last time I just sat and breathed.
Alun is so excited about bootcamp. He loves to do things together and he's excited on the weekend too - to do the gardening/cleaning/some other high-energy activity - which is just insane to me because I long for a book and a cup of tea. I don't know how Alun's energy lasts and lasts. Bootcamp combined with long hours at work is definitely draining it from me. By the time we get home from gym training, I shower and go to bed. Alun spends hours awake, jumping around the house, giggling away to himself or doing something he enjoys.
I can't keep up.
And that worries me.
Work is taking a massive toll on me. It is hectic here with new projects opening up and new people all over the place. It's my job as receptionist to know who's here at what time and why and that's very difficult to do when 30 people I've never met have their own access passes to the building "from before" and I suddenly see them sauntering around the office. My job is to be all things (maid, cleaner, admin assistant, personal assistant, receptionist, office manager, facilities manager) to all people and to be able to correctly predict what they want from me and have to have it ready - in advance - without fail.
I want to scream sometimes. I want to say "I was hired as the receptionist, you know. Just that!"
I was 'given' office management and facilities duties as I went along so now I do THREE jobs for the same amount of money as I was being paid for ONE. I race around like a crazy person trying to get everything done for everyone.
It is insane.
It is exhausting.
By the time I get home and wearily put my key in the front door, my heart absolutely sinks at the sight of Alun's form - kitted out in gym gear. His big, excited smile; excited for bootcamp and whatever physical hell it holds that day.
"Come on, Gorg - let's go!"
But Alun, you get to sleep in all morning tomorrow. I have to get up at 6:00am for work.
I can't keep up at this relentless pace.
Something has to give.
I feel like I spend my entire life - every minute that I'm not wearily asleep, I'm running, jumping, ducking and diving...constantly racing about and I don't even know what for anymore.
How do I get out of this?
Where is the REST at the end of the tunnel?
Because I'm physically and mentally (work and gym) worn out, I find I have nothing left emotionally, either. I am an empty, weary, fed up vessel.
I don't want to see anyone I love or spend time with them. I don't want to hear from them. My phone will 'ping' with a text or ring and I'll look at the screen and just want to cry because I don't have anything to give. I am so empty and so tired that I just want to be left alone.
Please. I just want to be left in peace.
Because I know I'm struggling - I booked myself a half day off this week.
4 hours - in between work and bootcamp where I could just rest.
On my own.
I smiled away to myself as I emailed my Boss and asked to leave on Thursday at 1pm. I pictured myself getting home, putting on my pjs, clicking onto "Netflix", grabbing a bag of chips or popcorn (Shh! Don't tell my coaches! Or Alun! Haha), lowering myself onto the couch or gently into bed with fluffy pillows all around me - and resting.
Oh my word, that will be so good.
Except that at around 11am on Thursday morning, my phone beeped to remind me I had agreed weeks ago to go to a free 'facial/pamper session' with my friend Peta.
Oh Lord.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to see anyone.
So I sent out a careful, hesitant message to Peta "Hey you, are we still meeting up for that facial today? Because...I have to be honest, I'm not in a good place right now and I really need some rest"
Ping!
"At 1pm, gorgeous girl. If you need to cancel, I will understand xx"
Oh Peta. I love you.
But that's where I'm my own worst enemy. Because my need to please is stronger than my need to physically survive. So I text back:
"No no, it's okay. I will meet you there"
And I go - dragging heavy, tired feet down the business centre of our city to meet Peta - who is standing in the sun at the bus stop waiting for me. She beams a big smile and twirls happily in her dress...and it hurts me somehow. It hurts to see someone so happy and at ease when I feel like I'm drowning. I am filled with resentment and a deep sadness about the whole situation.
I just want to go home. Please.
Instead, I beam a happy smile back at my dear friend "Look at you, Missy! So pretty in your new dress"
Inside, I'm dying. I'm fading. I'm hurting. This is so painful and I'm so very, very tired.
Peta links her arm through mine. Her skin is soft and warm from the sun. Her face is so beautiful - she's glowing.
Oh to be that happy.
I switch off. I switch to 'automatic' and I nod and smile as I listen but don't actually hear anything Peta says. I make the right 'face shapes'. I breathe in and out and I sit with Peta in the "skin clinic" waiting room and laugh at the right times when I know she's said something funny or cute.
A lady in white hospital scrubs with perfect blonde hair in a chiffon on her head comes out to the waiting area.
"Janet?"
Startled, I look up. Automatically, I smile.
"Hello?"
She laughs and gestures for me to follow her "Come with me, I'll do your microdermabrasion peel"
So I 'endure' what should be a relaxing, happy experience.
I make all the right "ooos" and "aahhhs" as we exit, thanking the staff for 'the awesome freebie' and touching my face gently in approval.
Inside...I'm still dying. Inside, I'm clawing at life with my fingernails - go away! Just leave me alone
Outside, I am horrified to see myself nodding when Peta asks if I want to "get a coffee" with her.
JD What are you doing???
I want to go home.
So why am I following Peta to a fancy coffee shop?
More dying inside.
More fake smiling.
More appropriate noises "yeah, this place is lovely. Wow"
Inside I'm sickened by my pretence.
"Oh" Peta exclaims, turning her slender wrist to look at her watch "I'd better get back to work! You too?"
Praise God. I can finally leave.
"No work for me, I have the arvo off" I admit.
Peta smiles and hugs me "Go" she emplores with a friendly wink "Enjoy it"
But now, it's 2:30pm and I have bootcamp in 2 and a half hours.
BOOTCAMP.
By the time I get home and kick my shoes off, it's almost 4pm.
My phone rings in my pocket. Alun's gorgeous face flashes up on my phone screen.
Internally, I'm screaming. Please, no more. I can't go on.
"Hey Gorg" I hear myself saying. I feel myself smiling even though my heart is breaking.
"Hey, I'm on my way home - we can do some stretches and warm up for bootcamp - see you soon! Woohoo!"
F*ck.
Alun gets home. He hugs me tight and bounds off to our room to change out of his hospital scrubs and into gym gear.
"This is going to be so much fun!" he calls from down the hall.
And inside...I'm dying.
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