that's what it feels like to be me, at the moment - that I don't know anymore who 'me' is.
I think not going to the gym or yoga anymore and putting back all the weight I lost before has knocked my confidence and has made me sort of climb back into my shell/cave and not want to come out. Now at work I'm letting people walk all over me and I'm resenting it but allowing it to happen because I feel like I deserve it.
I deserve this.
I feel so lost, you guys; like a ship that has no anchor or rudder and is just drifting about at sea, hoping for the best. Where am I headed? Why? Where is it I should be going? Why?
Every day, I say to myself "It's going to be okay, JD. You're going to be ok" and every week, I say to myself "next week will be better" but you know what? It never is. Every week I feel more and more exhausted.
Having a trapped nerve isn't helping much with things. It was such an intense pain for so long - pain that interupted my sleep...I'm a side sleeper and my trapped nerve meant that I had to sleep on my back only. It was so uncomfortable and I couldn't rest. Doctor Downey said there is such a thing as a "sleep debt" where you go for so long without sleep that your body starts to crave it - and being deprived of it is like spending money on a credit card you don't have - so you end up in debt.
That's where I am with sleep, right now - in debt.
And let me tell you, it's not a good place to be.
I don't know about you, but sometimes to understand something, I play it over and over again in my mind. Sometimes hundreds of times over days. Like I'm stuck in a weird time loop.
Lately, an interaction with someone at work - let's call her "Kathy" - has been winding me up and going around and around in my mind.
This is what happened:
Kathy marched up to my work desk and leaned over me. She does that a lot and I hate it.
"John gave you back his visitor pass but that's actually my pass" she said.
No "hello" "how are you?" "please" or "thank you" - not even a smile.
"Oh?" I asked, already feeling intimidated
"Yeah - it says 'visitor' on it but it's actually the only permanent pass I have and I need it back"
I knew instantly that was a lie. I knew because I made that pass myself - and printed off the 'visitor' label on my funky little lable maker just last week. I also know I would have given Kathy her own permanent pass because I'm good at my job, I work hard and I do things 'by the book' so that things are easier to keep track of. When I assign a pass, I use a special program on my computer called 'blueforce'. It records the pass number and has blank fields where I put in a staff member's details (name, phone number etc) or I'll record it as a 'visitor/day pass' and ensure the details for use are just temporary.
The system was up and available to use on my computer.
I should have said "No, that's not right" or "Oh really? I'll just do a quick check, then - give me a moment" and brought up on screen in front of Kathy's stupid gloating face that actually, she was given a pass by me months ago. Also that the visitor pass was not 'hers' at all - no visitor passes belong to staff.
But she was standing over me. Not only that, she was clicking her fingers.
Hurry up.
John's visitor pass was on my desk and when Kathy spotted it, she just took it.
"thanks"
and walked off.
She was not thankful at all, to be honest.
I sat at my desk shaking.
I was so angry!
How dare you?
But I let her do it.
That incident went around and around and around in my mind. It stayed with me as I continued about my work day. By 4pm that afternoon, I was livid from stewing on it. I opened up my 'blueforce' accounts systems and looked up Kathy's name. Sure enough, there it was - a permanent staff pass was given to her by me in April this year.
So I cancelled it.
In yo' face, Kathy.
I suspect Kathy wanted to keep both her permanent pass and a visitor pass as she has a lot of people visiting from other states, and instead of going through the proper channels and asking me (as she should - as all staff should) if she can have a visitor pass, she wanted to bypass that and just keep her own 'spare pass' handy.
Well.
Now that 'spare pass' really will be her only pass because I labelled her previous pass "lost" and have taken it off the system.
I wish I had stood up for myself, guys. Kathy treats me like dirt and I continually allow it.
This is what I mean when I say I've lost my sense of self.
Why didn't I just say something?
I think not going to the gym or yoga anymore and putting back all the weight I lost before has knocked my confidence and has made me sort of climb back into my shell/cave and not want to come out. Now at work I'm letting people walk all over me and I'm resenting it but allowing it to happen because I feel like I deserve it.
I deserve this.
I feel so lost, you guys; like a ship that has no anchor or rudder and is just drifting about at sea, hoping for the best. Where am I headed? Why? Where is it I should be going? Why?
Every day, I say to myself "It's going to be okay, JD. You're going to be ok" and every week, I say to myself "next week will be better" but you know what? It never is. Every week I feel more and more exhausted.
Having a trapped nerve isn't helping much with things. It was such an intense pain for so long - pain that interupted my sleep...I'm a side sleeper and my trapped nerve meant that I had to sleep on my back only. It was so uncomfortable and I couldn't rest. Doctor Downey said there is such a thing as a "sleep debt" where you go for so long without sleep that your body starts to crave it - and being deprived of it is like spending money on a credit card you don't have - so you end up in debt.
That's where I am with sleep, right now - in debt.
And let me tell you, it's not a good place to be.
I don't know about you, but sometimes to understand something, I play it over and over again in my mind. Sometimes hundreds of times over days. Like I'm stuck in a weird time loop.
Lately, an interaction with someone at work - let's call her "Kathy" - has been winding me up and going around and around in my mind.
This is what happened:
Kathy marched up to my work desk and leaned over me. She does that a lot and I hate it.
"John gave you back his visitor pass but that's actually my pass" she said.
No "hello" "how are you?" "please" or "thank you" - not even a smile.
"Oh?" I asked, already feeling intimidated
"Yeah - it says 'visitor' on it but it's actually the only permanent pass I have and I need it back"
I knew instantly that was a lie. I knew because I made that pass myself - and printed off the 'visitor' label on my funky little lable maker just last week. I also know I would have given Kathy her own permanent pass because I'm good at my job, I work hard and I do things 'by the book' so that things are easier to keep track of. When I assign a pass, I use a special program on my computer called 'blueforce'. It records the pass number and has blank fields where I put in a staff member's details (name, phone number etc) or I'll record it as a 'visitor/day pass' and ensure the details for use are just temporary.
The system was up and available to use on my computer.
I should have said "No, that's not right" or "Oh really? I'll just do a quick check, then - give me a moment" and brought up on screen in front of Kathy's stupid gloating face that actually, she was given a pass by me months ago. Also that the visitor pass was not 'hers' at all - no visitor passes belong to staff.
But she was standing over me. Not only that, she was clicking her fingers.
Hurry up.
John's visitor pass was on my desk and when Kathy spotted it, she just took it.
"thanks"
and walked off.
She was not thankful at all, to be honest.
I sat at my desk shaking.
I was so angry!
How dare you?
But I let her do it.
That incident went around and around and around in my mind. It stayed with me as I continued about my work day. By 4pm that afternoon, I was livid from stewing on it. I opened up my 'blueforce' accounts systems and looked up Kathy's name. Sure enough, there it was - a permanent staff pass was given to her by me in April this year.
So I cancelled it.
In yo' face, Kathy.
I suspect Kathy wanted to keep both her permanent pass and a visitor pass as she has a lot of people visiting from other states, and instead of going through the proper channels and asking me (as she should - as all staff should) if she can have a visitor pass, she wanted to bypass that and just keep her own 'spare pass' handy.
Well.
Now that 'spare pass' really will be her only pass because I labelled her previous pass "lost" and have taken it off the system.
I wish I had stood up for myself, guys. Kathy treats me like dirt and I continually allow it.
This is what I mean when I say I've lost my sense of self.
Why didn't I just say something?
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