Today is Jay's 36th birthday.
So weird because if you'd told me 2 years ago that Jay and I would part ways (his choice) and never talk to each other again (yep, his choice too), I would have giggled. It would have seemed so silly and totally insane to me.
And yet.
Here I am.
Mom texted me yesterday: "Can you please tell your brother happy birthday tomorrow? Even if he doesn't say anything back, at least you tried"
So much hurt as I read Mom's text.
So much pain.
So much guilt and shame and worry and stress.
Also a lot of resentment.
He didn't text me on my birthday, Mom. Does anyone in this family care about that?
No.
I bet my parents wouldn't dare even gently suggesting that Jay text me.
But with me? They ask all the time.
"Please apologise to your brother, he's very upset"
I'm upset too.
This is a two-sided coin, Mom and Dad - don't you get that?
"You've really hurt your brother - you need to make it right"
He hurt me too - but NOONE wants to address that.
And yet, like an idiot, I've tried.
I've tried again and again and again.
"I'm really sorry, Jay"
"I feel terrible about..."
"I hope you'll forgive me for..."
And every time, I get nothing back.
No acknowledgment. Nothing.
I sighed when I got Mom's text.
I wiped the tears from running off my chin and I nodded sadly to myself.
It surprises me how much something related to Jay can hurt me and instantly make me cry - even when so much time has passed. Even when I've had a great day before a random text of my Mom's appears.
This is your life, JD. You have to be the one to make the peace because it's expected of you.
It always is.
I didn't sleep last night.
For one, I was up with illness.
For two (is that a saying? for two?) I was up going over the last 2 years with Jay.
To make sense of it to myself - and hoping that having you read it with me will help you advise me if you want to *wink*, here's a rundown of the last time Jay and I were in contact with each other:
Jay was getting married to Kate.
Brilliant :)
I was genuinely super happy for them both.
Then came the waves of hurt.
First, we didn't get an official invite - a pretty stationery set in the mail the way everyone else did, we got casually told over dinner - only a mere few months away from the wedding. We got TOLD (not asked or invited) to drive 5-6 hours away to their wedding venue of choice (okay, no big deal, I get it) casually over family dinner.
*sigh*
OK. You're my little brother. Alun and I will make it work.
"Where are you guys having the wedding, then? Where do we need to book?"
"Oh, the *making the name up cos I can't remember it* Pemberton Chalets by the river" Jay replied, munching away on dinner and winking at Kate.
Ok. That sounds expensive...but okay.
On my phone, I look up the place. I frown at the prices, remind myself to not be silly and attempt to book in a room.
"What dates?" I ask Jay.
"Oh" he says.
And I get an uncomfortable feeling in my tummy.
"What?" I ask, already knowing the answer is going to hurt and not knowing why.
"Yeah" Jay nods "We booked the entire place out for the people we love"
Oh wow. You did? So excited :) that saves Al and I a job, then. Woohoo!
"So, you guys will have to find somewhere nearby - they have really pretty B&B's probably only 10-15 minutes away" Kate smiled and passed Jay some more rice across the table.
Wait.
WHAT?!?
I cleared my throat. The heartache and pain made it hard to talk.
"I don't understand...you just now said you booked out the place for..."
"Yeah" Jay nodded, cutting me off. (He does that a lot). "Our best mates are coming so we made sure they'd have accommodation as soon as they arrive - and of course we booked a deluxe suite for Mom and Dad in advance, and then, yeah - we booked rooms out for all of Kate's family - her brother needs the ground floor suite for the kids, you know how it is"
Err no, Jay. I do not.
I'm really hurt by this. I'm offended. I'm quickly getting really PISSED OFF with this whole thing.
I look around the table and Mom is smiling away, answering something Kate's asked.
Everyone is okay that Jay and Kate have 'forgotten' Alun and I when making plans for "the people they love?"
HOW IS THIS OK?
I catch Alun's eye and he sighs heavily. He reaches under the table and squeezes my hand.
"Sorry Gorg" he whispers.
But...THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!!
What's wrong in this scenario is that to me, it feels like 100 bricks have caved in on me. Alun and I aren't part of Jay's plans "for the people he loves"?
We have to sort out our own accommodation when NOONE ELSE has to?
How is that fair?
Or welcoming?
Or loving?
How am I meant to smile through all of this?
And something in me breaks.
I know you'll read this and you'll probably think I'm taking this too far too soon. I want to take this time to tell you that this is the result 30 years of quiet resentment, envy, jealously and plain bloody unfairness and favouritism bubbling away in the background of our lives.
This is not the first time Jay has been lifted up as the golden child and I'm expected to applaud while he tramples all over me.
Every SINGLE time, I've allowed it.
I've "sucked it up" and not said a word.
I've quietly "moved forward" with whatever ridiculous scheme it is that my crazy family have come up with to glorify, pamper and bow down to Jay and I've taken that as normal.
Until I married Jonathan and lived with the Hill family.
Because then I saw first-hand that FAMILY is equal between siblings. It's consistent. It's fair. It's loving and it's even. No one is the favourite. No one child is better than the others. Even though Jayne was the youngest in the family - she didn't get any extra rights or privileges - she, Jon and Joanne were all treated equally.
That's how FAMILY should be. That's how it is in probably MANY families.
The me sitting at the table that night was the one who got her very own Christmas sack at the Hill family Christmas 8 years running and learnt it was NORMAL to get the same amount of gifts (for the same value) as everyone else in that room.
SO...THIS WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I couldn't just smile and let it go anymore.
THIS WAS WRONG.
With Alun beside me and Mom smiling away because she loves when we're all together, I didn't say anything more.
But that night, I let the anger and bitterness build.
I especially 'simmered' on the FACT that on MY wedding, Jay made the entire thing about HIM.
I was seething the next morning.
This is NOT happening to me. Not again.
Jay isn't going to get away with being a heartless bastard again. Not anymore.
So yeah...I regret this next bit. I should have left things alone. I know that. I should have calmed down. I should have let some time pass, prayed and come up with a more wise way to address the hurt I was feeling.
Instead, I EXPLODED.
I opened up Facebook messenger and started a 'new group'. Angrily, I added Alun, Kate and Jason to the 'chat'.
Struggling to breathe evenly because I was SO ANGRY, I started typing. I'm a pretty fast typist in any circumstance but especially when I'm angry.
I lost my sh*t.
Completely.
30 year's worth of hurt, pain and anguish came out in that message.
30 years of watching Jay grow up in the warm glow of my parent's constant approval when I had to work SO HARD for even a smile from them. 30 years of seeing him favoured, loved, cherished and pampered while I struggled so.
It all came out.
I used terrible words.
I said horrible things.
I lashed out like a crazy woman.
I didn't wait to 'calm down'. I didn't ask Alun to check over the draft in front of me.
No.
I was "on fire" (probably in more ways than one) and I hit 'send' with relish.
Moments later, it showed that Kate and Jay had read my rant. ALL OF IT.
Oh sh*t.
Here we go.
Alun came towards me holding his phone and shaking it gently at me "What's all this, Gorg?"
So yeah. He'd gotten his message, too.
Oh Lord.
"I um...I lost my mind a bit" I admitted.
Alun put his arms around me "You went a bit nuts, yep" He kissed the top of my head "I guess it needed saying...but...oh well" Alun sighed and hugged me tighter.
I love this man. So much.
"Right" Al had decided something "Let's go out. Let's leave our phones here" he said, gently taking mine out of my hand "And let's go to lunch"
I could already hear my phone 'pinging' with whatever response Jay had come up with.
I followed Alun out into the sunshine and we were gone for hours.
When we came back, Jay had responded -with screenshots of texts from me that he'd saved from THREE YEARS AGO which proved him to be completely innocent and me to be a lunatic.
"Oh Janet" I could almost see him shaking his head "I think you've got a bit mixed up, here..."
Screen shot of parts of text conversations where I've been upset (with absolutely no evidence at all of Jay winding me up beforehand/afterwards) were posted in Jay's defence. Just me being a complete psycho by the shots Jay had posted on group message.
They were pretty good. If I wasn't so hurt and so bloody angry, I think I would have been secretly impressed by how smoothly Jay covered his butt and explained his way so easily out of 30 years of resentment and wrong-doing.
(who keeps screen shots of text messages from years ago, anyway??? Had Jay been building up this case against me for years 'in case' I lost my mind? Who is that prepared??? Is this normal???)
"I was just trying to help" Kate messaged as a response to me telling her in my rant to "stay out of it" when it came to things between Jay and I.
She probably was, too.
But she got the worst of my pain. I don't know why. Maybe because she was the nicest to me in this entire situation. I feel terrible about it.
"Pfft. You don't know anything, you idiot" (or maybe I went too far and said "bitch"...I don't know) I responded.
To this day, I flinch thinking about how badly I behaved towards her. It's not Kate's fault my brother is a spoilt a**hole.
When I'm hurt, I want everyone around me to hurt, too. This is a great failing of mine and I'm embarrassed and ashamed by it.
So because I was raw in my pain, I took being rude to an entirely new level.
It's because Jay was trying to 'shush' me in the group chat and it was making me angrier.
I was tapping away like a crazy person on the keyboard and saying hurtful, horrible things. I felt like a caged animal that Jay was poking with a hot stick from the outside. Every 'ping' from his side where he was clearly trying to "manage" me was making me worse. So angry. So hurt. SO frightened of myself and my rage and how uncontainable it gets when I'm tired, weary and feeling attacked.
"FUCK YOU" I think I typed. Quite a few times.
I have NEVER spoken to my brother in ANY way that was not complimentary or loving or supportive. Not EVER in our lives.
I guess that day, I'd just had enough.
"You both fucking (sorry Jesus) deserve each other - hope you go to hell" I remember typing.
Alun was reading beside me.
At this point, he leaned over me and gently closed the lid on my laptop.
"ALUN!" I turned my wrath towards him.
"Gorg" He gently took my hand. "Enough"
I don't know...but somehow, his love and his gentleness immediately calmed me. Immediately took my pain and rage away.
Oh.
"Come on, let's walk it off. No more typing for you, miss sweary" Alun winked and kissed me on the cheek.
I can't believe how kind he is to me. How loving, patient and caring when I'd completely gone mental.
And that's the last two-sided exchange I've had with my brother or Kate.
Later that night - the same night where I'd been "a prick" as Alun would call it, I texted Kate "Kate, I'm so sorry. I lashed out at you when you were just trying to help. You didn't deserve it. I hope you will forgive me xx"
Nothing. No response. Not even for months afterwards. Just never again.
And so it has been ever since.
I tried calling Jay the day after that 'incident' took place. Then the week after. Then EVERY week after. Then every month. I tried messaging or emailing.
No response.
I tried using the very group chat I had created that got me into this situation in the first place and it showed that the chat had been deleted and that "Facebook user" had "left the chatroom".
Facebook user?
And for the first time in my life, I found out what happens when someone blocks you. You don't even get access to their name anymore - they show up as "Facebook user" and you CAN NOT contact them.
If you also block them on your phone, when that person calls you, their calls get redirected to voicemail or not put through at all.
Which is what happened to me for months...and then YEARS afterwards.
Jay just...deleted me from his life.
Just like that.
What hurts me most is how easy it was for him.
They got married. Alun and I were not allowed to go.
Everyone was "ok" with it.
Me losing my mind had changed NOTHING in the way my family operates.
Jay and Kate had a son.
I - to this day - have never met him.
And oh, how I long to hold him. Mom sends me videos of Sebastian Jay almost every week and it hurts me. Why, Mom? How do you think this is helping??? But I think Mom thinks she's being a blessing, so I always text back "Thanks Mom" and watch my nephew playing or laughing or learning to walk...his big brown eyes the exact image of my brother's.
It. Is. So. Painful.
Last year sometime, I gave up apologising to Jay. I gave up sleepless night and feeling ill over it all.
I had to move on, or I would be unwell for the rest of my life - sick over missing my brother so much.
Surprisingly to me, it's been good for me to let go. It's been healthy to just move on.
It's been hard, I wasn't expecting otherwise - because my parents are constantly on my case to "Fix it" between Jay and I.
"if you were serious about apologising, you'd go to his house" Dad is determined that I 'go the extra mile' with Jay and insists Jay hasn't responded IN TWO YEARS to my MANY attempts to apologise because "he would probably prefer a face-to-face type of thing, Darl"
I don't think that's any excuse for cutting me out of his life and dis-allowing me from seeing my own nephew, Dad. I think you're being pretty unfair here.
Fast-forward to today.
I didn't sleep again last night.
I stared at my phone in my hand.
I texted Mom "can you please send Jay's number so I can wish him happy birthday?"
It cost me. I did it anyway.
Mom texted back "So proud of you, my Janny - here it is..." and followed the words with Jay's number.
(I deleted it a year ago because it hurt to look at it and not see any messages from Jay).
OK.
Here we go.
The messages I wanted to send:
"How is is ok with you that in 2 years we've not spoken?"
"I really want to hold my nephew. Please, Jay"
"Can we just start over?"
(my favourite draft) : "You're a dickhead and I've had a pretty happy few years without your bullshit"
The one I did send:
"Happy birthday Jay. I love you"
and he never messaged back.
And now you're all caught up.
So weird because if you'd told me 2 years ago that Jay and I would part ways (his choice) and never talk to each other again (yep, his choice too), I would have giggled. It would have seemed so silly and totally insane to me.
And yet.
Here I am.
Mom texted me yesterday: "Can you please tell your brother happy birthday tomorrow? Even if he doesn't say anything back, at least you tried"
So much hurt as I read Mom's text.
So much pain.
So much guilt and shame and worry and stress.
Also a lot of resentment.
He didn't text me on my birthday, Mom. Does anyone in this family care about that?
No.
I bet my parents wouldn't dare even gently suggesting that Jay text me.
But with me? They ask all the time.
"Please apologise to your brother, he's very upset"
I'm upset too.
This is a two-sided coin, Mom and Dad - don't you get that?
"You've really hurt your brother - you need to make it right"
He hurt me too - but NOONE wants to address that.
And yet, like an idiot, I've tried.
I've tried again and again and again.
"I'm really sorry, Jay"
"I feel terrible about..."
"I hope you'll forgive me for..."
And every time, I get nothing back.
No acknowledgment. Nothing.
I sighed when I got Mom's text.
I wiped the tears from running off my chin and I nodded sadly to myself.
It surprises me how much something related to Jay can hurt me and instantly make me cry - even when so much time has passed. Even when I've had a great day before a random text of my Mom's appears.
This is your life, JD. You have to be the one to make the peace because it's expected of you.
It always is.
I didn't sleep last night.
For one, I was up with illness.
For two (is that a saying? for two?) I was up going over the last 2 years with Jay.
To make sense of it to myself - and hoping that having you read it with me will help you advise me if you want to *wink*, here's a rundown of the last time Jay and I were in contact with each other:
Jay was getting married to Kate.
Brilliant :)
I was genuinely super happy for them both.
Then came the waves of hurt.
First, we didn't get an official invite - a pretty stationery set in the mail the way everyone else did, we got casually told over dinner - only a mere few months away from the wedding. We got TOLD (not asked or invited) to drive 5-6 hours away to their wedding venue of choice (okay, no big deal, I get it) casually over family dinner.
*sigh*
OK. You're my little brother. Alun and I will make it work.
"Where are you guys having the wedding, then? Where do we need to book?"
"Oh, the *making the name up cos I can't remember it* Pemberton Chalets by the river" Jay replied, munching away on dinner and winking at Kate.
Ok. That sounds expensive...but okay.
On my phone, I look up the place. I frown at the prices, remind myself to not be silly and attempt to book in a room.
"What dates?" I ask Jay.
"Oh" he says.
And I get an uncomfortable feeling in my tummy.
"What?" I ask, already knowing the answer is going to hurt and not knowing why.
"Yeah" Jay nods "We booked the entire place out for the people we love"
Oh wow. You did? So excited :) that saves Al and I a job, then. Woohoo!
"So, you guys will have to find somewhere nearby - they have really pretty B&B's probably only 10-15 minutes away" Kate smiled and passed Jay some more rice across the table.
Wait.
WHAT?!?
I cleared my throat. The heartache and pain made it hard to talk.
"I don't understand...you just now said you booked out the place for..."
"Yeah" Jay nodded, cutting me off. (He does that a lot). "Our best mates are coming so we made sure they'd have accommodation as soon as they arrive - and of course we booked a deluxe suite for Mom and Dad in advance, and then, yeah - we booked rooms out for all of Kate's family - her brother needs the ground floor suite for the kids, you know how it is"
Err no, Jay. I do not.
I'm really hurt by this. I'm offended. I'm quickly getting really PISSED OFF with this whole thing.
I look around the table and Mom is smiling away, answering something Kate's asked.
Everyone is okay that Jay and Kate have 'forgotten' Alun and I when making plans for "the people they love?"
HOW IS THIS OK?
I catch Alun's eye and he sighs heavily. He reaches under the table and squeezes my hand.
"Sorry Gorg" he whispers.
But...THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!!
What's wrong in this scenario is that to me, it feels like 100 bricks have caved in on me. Alun and I aren't part of Jay's plans "for the people he loves"?
We have to sort out our own accommodation when NOONE ELSE has to?
How is that fair?
Or welcoming?
Or loving?
How am I meant to smile through all of this?
And something in me breaks.
I know you'll read this and you'll probably think I'm taking this too far too soon. I want to take this time to tell you that this is the result 30 years of quiet resentment, envy, jealously and plain bloody unfairness and favouritism bubbling away in the background of our lives.
This is not the first time Jay has been lifted up as the golden child and I'm expected to applaud while he tramples all over me.
Every SINGLE time, I've allowed it.
I've "sucked it up" and not said a word.
I've quietly "moved forward" with whatever ridiculous scheme it is that my crazy family have come up with to glorify, pamper and bow down to Jay and I've taken that as normal.
Until I married Jonathan and lived with the Hill family.
Because then I saw first-hand that FAMILY is equal between siblings. It's consistent. It's fair. It's loving and it's even. No one is the favourite. No one child is better than the others. Even though Jayne was the youngest in the family - she didn't get any extra rights or privileges - she, Jon and Joanne were all treated equally.
That's how FAMILY should be. That's how it is in probably MANY families.
The me sitting at the table that night was the one who got her very own Christmas sack at the Hill family Christmas 8 years running and learnt it was NORMAL to get the same amount of gifts (for the same value) as everyone else in that room.
SO...THIS WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I couldn't just smile and let it go anymore.
THIS WAS WRONG.
With Alun beside me and Mom smiling away because she loves when we're all together, I didn't say anything more.
But that night, I let the anger and bitterness build.
I especially 'simmered' on the FACT that on MY wedding, Jay made the entire thing about HIM.
I was seething the next morning.
This is NOT happening to me. Not again.
Jay isn't going to get away with being a heartless bastard again. Not anymore.
So yeah...I regret this next bit. I should have left things alone. I know that. I should have calmed down. I should have let some time pass, prayed and come up with a more wise way to address the hurt I was feeling.
Instead, I EXPLODED.
I opened up Facebook messenger and started a 'new group'. Angrily, I added Alun, Kate and Jason to the 'chat'.
Struggling to breathe evenly because I was SO ANGRY, I started typing. I'm a pretty fast typist in any circumstance but especially when I'm angry.
I lost my sh*t.
Completely.
30 year's worth of hurt, pain and anguish came out in that message.
30 years of watching Jay grow up in the warm glow of my parent's constant approval when I had to work SO HARD for even a smile from them. 30 years of seeing him favoured, loved, cherished and pampered while I struggled so.
It all came out.
I used terrible words.
I said horrible things.
I lashed out like a crazy woman.
I didn't wait to 'calm down'. I didn't ask Alun to check over the draft in front of me.
No.
I was "on fire" (probably in more ways than one) and I hit 'send' with relish.
Moments later, it showed that Kate and Jay had read my rant. ALL OF IT.
Oh sh*t.
Here we go.
Alun came towards me holding his phone and shaking it gently at me "What's all this, Gorg?"
So yeah. He'd gotten his message, too.
Oh Lord.
"I um...I lost my mind a bit" I admitted.
Alun put his arms around me "You went a bit nuts, yep" He kissed the top of my head "I guess it needed saying...but...oh well" Alun sighed and hugged me tighter.
I love this man. So much.
"Right" Al had decided something "Let's go out. Let's leave our phones here" he said, gently taking mine out of my hand "And let's go to lunch"
I could already hear my phone 'pinging' with whatever response Jay had come up with.
I followed Alun out into the sunshine and we were gone for hours.
When we came back, Jay had responded -with screenshots of texts from me that he'd saved from THREE YEARS AGO which proved him to be completely innocent and me to be a lunatic.
"Oh Janet" I could almost see him shaking his head "I think you've got a bit mixed up, here..."
Screen shot of parts of text conversations where I've been upset (with absolutely no evidence at all of Jay winding me up beforehand/afterwards) were posted in Jay's defence. Just me being a complete psycho by the shots Jay had posted on group message.
They were pretty good. If I wasn't so hurt and so bloody angry, I think I would have been secretly impressed by how smoothly Jay covered his butt and explained his way so easily out of 30 years of resentment and wrong-doing.
(who keeps screen shots of text messages from years ago, anyway??? Had Jay been building up this case against me for years 'in case' I lost my mind? Who is that prepared??? Is this normal???)
"I was just trying to help" Kate messaged as a response to me telling her in my rant to "stay out of it" when it came to things between Jay and I.
She probably was, too.
But she got the worst of my pain. I don't know why. Maybe because she was the nicest to me in this entire situation. I feel terrible about it.
"Pfft. You don't know anything, you idiot" (or maybe I went too far and said "bitch"...I don't know) I responded.
To this day, I flinch thinking about how badly I behaved towards her. It's not Kate's fault my brother is a spoilt a**hole.
When I'm hurt, I want everyone around me to hurt, too. This is a great failing of mine and I'm embarrassed and ashamed by it.
So because I was raw in my pain, I took being rude to an entirely new level.
It's because Jay was trying to 'shush' me in the group chat and it was making me angrier.
I was tapping away like a crazy person on the keyboard and saying hurtful, horrible things. I felt like a caged animal that Jay was poking with a hot stick from the outside. Every 'ping' from his side where he was clearly trying to "manage" me was making me worse. So angry. So hurt. SO frightened of myself and my rage and how uncontainable it gets when I'm tired, weary and feeling attacked.
"FUCK YOU" I think I typed. Quite a few times.
I have NEVER spoken to my brother in ANY way that was not complimentary or loving or supportive. Not EVER in our lives.
I guess that day, I'd just had enough.
"You both fucking (sorry Jesus) deserve each other - hope you go to hell" I remember typing.
Alun was reading beside me.
At this point, he leaned over me and gently closed the lid on my laptop.
"ALUN!" I turned my wrath towards him.
"Gorg" He gently took my hand. "Enough"
I don't know...but somehow, his love and his gentleness immediately calmed me. Immediately took my pain and rage away.
Oh.
"Come on, let's walk it off. No more typing for you, miss sweary" Alun winked and kissed me on the cheek.
I can't believe how kind he is to me. How loving, patient and caring when I'd completely gone mental.
And that's the last two-sided exchange I've had with my brother or Kate.
Later that night - the same night where I'd been "a prick" as Alun would call it, I texted Kate "Kate, I'm so sorry. I lashed out at you when you were just trying to help. You didn't deserve it. I hope you will forgive me xx"
Nothing. No response. Not even for months afterwards. Just never again.
And so it has been ever since.
I tried calling Jay the day after that 'incident' took place. Then the week after. Then EVERY week after. Then every month. I tried messaging or emailing.
No response.
I tried using the very group chat I had created that got me into this situation in the first place and it showed that the chat had been deleted and that "Facebook user" had "left the chatroom".
Facebook user?
And for the first time in my life, I found out what happens when someone blocks you. You don't even get access to their name anymore - they show up as "Facebook user" and you CAN NOT contact them.
If you also block them on your phone, when that person calls you, their calls get redirected to voicemail or not put through at all.
Which is what happened to me for months...and then YEARS afterwards.
Jay just...deleted me from his life.
Just like that.
What hurts me most is how easy it was for him.
They got married. Alun and I were not allowed to go.
Everyone was "ok" with it.
Me losing my mind had changed NOTHING in the way my family operates.
Jay and Kate had a son.
I - to this day - have never met him.
And oh, how I long to hold him. Mom sends me videos of Sebastian Jay almost every week and it hurts me. Why, Mom? How do you think this is helping??? But I think Mom thinks she's being a blessing, so I always text back "Thanks Mom" and watch my nephew playing or laughing or learning to walk...his big brown eyes the exact image of my brother's.
It. Is. So. Painful.
Last year sometime, I gave up apologising to Jay. I gave up sleepless night and feeling ill over it all.
I had to move on, or I would be unwell for the rest of my life - sick over missing my brother so much.
Surprisingly to me, it's been good for me to let go. It's been healthy to just move on.
It's been hard, I wasn't expecting otherwise - because my parents are constantly on my case to "Fix it" between Jay and I.
"if you were serious about apologising, you'd go to his house" Dad is determined that I 'go the extra mile' with Jay and insists Jay hasn't responded IN TWO YEARS to my MANY attempts to apologise because "he would probably prefer a face-to-face type of thing, Darl"
I don't think that's any excuse for cutting me out of his life and dis-allowing me from seeing my own nephew, Dad. I think you're being pretty unfair here.
Fast-forward to today.
I didn't sleep again last night.
I stared at my phone in my hand.
I texted Mom "can you please send Jay's number so I can wish him happy birthday?"
It cost me. I did it anyway.
Mom texted back "So proud of you, my Janny - here it is..." and followed the words with Jay's number.
(I deleted it a year ago because it hurt to look at it and not see any messages from Jay).
OK.
Here we go.
The messages I wanted to send:
"How is is ok with you that in 2 years we've not spoken?"
"I really want to hold my nephew. Please, Jay"
"Can we just start over?"
(my favourite draft) : "You're a dickhead and I've had a pretty happy few years without your bullshit"
The one I did send:
"Happy birthday Jay. I love you"
and he never messaged back.
And now you're all caught up.
Comments
Post a Comment