I met my dear friend Peta for lunch the other day.
"I'm unemployed!" I wailed.
"Don't say it like that" Peta squeezed my arm gently "you're between jobs, Janet - not unemployed"
And so I am.
...in the 'between' of jobs. The waiting and the endless applying. The smiling and answering the same interview questions again and again "What would you bring to this role? Why should we hire you?" and each time, taking a deep breath before I answer in a calm and confident tone about my years of office experience and my passion to produce a high standard of work in all that I do. And each time, sighing and trying not to take it personally when I get the "unfortunately on this occasion" emails...and they come along in their hundreds. Believe me.
I should be happy, really. How long have I been complaining of being "too busy" and longing for a rest? A really long time, right?
Now it seems I have all the time in the world to "do nothing" which is what I've been asking God for, for months.
Typical Janet - I finally get the very thing I've been seeking and my first instinct is to complain.
I don't know how you guys put up with me, really. Haha.
I have $200 in my bank account and no way of getting more while I'm "in between" jobs - so I'm really panicking now. I should have saved more when I was working. I know I should have. That's the whole point of having a job - so you can squirrel away for times such as these when the income stops arriving to 'tide you over' until things are okay again. I have such a strange relationship with money. I'm obsessed with spending it and saving it seems a foreign concept to me. I feel (and I know it's wrong and I know it's completely stupid) that if I don't spend it immediately, I will somehow lose the opportunity and might die overnight, wishing I had eaten that expensive meal or brought the latest summer fashions instead of just being a GROWN UP and saving money.
I like to blame the "Asian" in me, but ironically, an Asian would probably be a lot more careful with their money.
Anything shiny, new, that smells of strawberries or a light, summer fragrance - and I'm buying it. No thought to tomorrow - or 2 weeks away when I have no money and yet bills are always going to demand to be paid.
ARGHHHHHH!!!
I've also put on all the weight I lost before. Because I lost weight in the past, I got new smaller clothes and new smaller underwear - so now everything is really tight and uncomfortable. The moment I can, I get into comfy, loose-fitting pyjamas. I hate how I look. I hate catching my reflection in the mirror. I frown at my face - my fat, greasy, blow-fish face as I brush my teeth in the bathroom mirror. I hate looking this way.
I know I need to change it, and yet I always turn to fatty food for comfort - so the cycle just goes on an on. I feel miserable about being fat, then eat KFC to comfort myself. Then I feel bad about that...so I have some cakes to cheer myself up.
WHY!?!
I have so much compassion for drug addicts because it is the hardest thing to separate myself from this addiction to fatty foods. Foods with NO nutritional value at all - all fried, greasy, horrible things that I fill my body with. I don't even like it, which makes me feel DOUBLY JIPPED. At least in the beginning I was enjoying the junk food. Now, I'm turning to food as something to do. And having no job is giving me a lot more time to eat. So this is all awful.
I'm anxious a lot more about leaving the house and I've noticed a new struggle with germs and dirt. Mostly with the toilet. I hate the thought of poo. I hate having to have a poo (sorry - I know this is awful but I want to get it off my chest) and I continually feel like I'm somehow covered in it. I dream about poo - about it on things I need to touch. I feel disgusting. Literally. Feeling like this is completely new to me and something my mind can't seem to separate itself from. In an attempt to make myself at peace with it all, I have convinced myself it's a result of the type of anti-depressants I'm on and that if I change medications, I will get rid of these awful side effects. I'm driving myself crazy about this. About poo, of all things.
*shakes head sadly*
Alun and I just got back from 4 days away in Kalbarri, which was a stunning place. It felt like we'd escaped and gone to Mars - the rock formations were incredible and we hiked through valleys, gorges and mountains that were just breath taking.
But I couldn't enjoy it. Not really. Because I felt scared all the time.
I'm either scared of having to poo, touching something with poo on it, or my biggest and most prominent fear - getting poo on me without knowing and walking about with it on me...or scared of some type of harm coming to Alun. I hadn't realised how much his past hospital visits have affected me, but whenever Alun jumped down from a really high stone step or ran along the beach, my heart was in my mouth, wondering how to carry him up the hills and to safety if anything happened to him. I felt like I was shallow-breathing the entire 'holiday', holding my breath and counting the seconds until one of us ended up in hospital. Alun with some kind of illness or injury and me gagging to death on poo.
There is something seriously wrong with me, isn't there?
I don't sleep. I don't rest. I worry all the time. I spend money I don't have!!!
I'm losing my damn mind.
I want to end on a good note. I have to try.
Alun is on 3 week's break and I think he really needed it. It's nice to see him resting.
While I am worrying about money, Alun is generous and kind and happily pays for everything. He tells me repeatedly to lean on him and tell him what I need money-wise so he can help me. I can't imagine going through this on my own again - the HUGE difference it makes having Alun shoulder the financial responsibility and the gentleness he does it with blesses my heart more than I could ever tell you.
My friends, too - have been so generous. Whenever a friend has asked me to meet them for lunch, they've quickly and quietly paid for it even before I think to get my purse out. I'm so blessed.
I have 2 interviews on Monday - one at 11am and one at 3:30pm. Both are for temp jobs of only a few weeks each but at this stage, ANY job is a good one. Even 3 week's work is better than nothing.
I'm hoping that next time I write to you, I can tell you about my new job.
I just have to STOP SPENDING and HANG ONTO the money I make in the future.
Wish me luck.
"I'm unemployed!" I wailed.
"Don't say it like that" Peta squeezed my arm gently "you're between jobs, Janet - not unemployed"
And so I am.
...in the 'between' of jobs. The waiting and the endless applying. The smiling and answering the same interview questions again and again "What would you bring to this role? Why should we hire you?" and each time, taking a deep breath before I answer in a calm and confident tone about my years of office experience and my passion to produce a high standard of work in all that I do. And each time, sighing and trying not to take it personally when I get the "unfortunately on this occasion" emails...and they come along in their hundreds. Believe me.
I should be happy, really. How long have I been complaining of being "too busy" and longing for a rest? A really long time, right?
Now it seems I have all the time in the world to "do nothing" which is what I've been asking God for, for months.
Typical Janet - I finally get the very thing I've been seeking and my first instinct is to complain.
I don't know how you guys put up with me, really. Haha.
I have $200 in my bank account and no way of getting more while I'm "in between" jobs - so I'm really panicking now. I should have saved more when I was working. I know I should have. That's the whole point of having a job - so you can squirrel away for times such as these when the income stops arriving to 'tide you over' until things are okay again. I have such a strange relationship with money. I'm obsessed with spending it and saving it seems a foreign concept to me. I feel (and I know it's wrong and I know it's completely stupid) that if I don't spend it immediately, I will somehow lose the opportunity and might die overnight, wishing I had eaten that expensive meal or brought the latest summer fashions instead of just being a GROWN UP and saving money.
I like to blame the "Asian" in me, but ironically, an Asian would probably be a lot more careful with their money.
Anything shiny, new, that smells of strawberries or a light, summer fragrance - and I'm buying it. No thought to tomorrow - or 2 weeks away when I have no money and yet bills are always going to demand to be paid.
ARGHHHHHH!!!
I've also put on all the weight I lost before. Because I lost weight in the past, I got new smaller clothes and new smaller underwear - so now everything is really tight and uncomfortable. The moment I can, I get into comfy, loose-fitting pyjamas. I hate how I look. I hate catching my reflection in the mirror. I frown at my face - my fat, greasy, blow-fish face as I brush my teeth in the bathroom mirror. I hate looking this way.
I know I need to change it, and yet I always turn to fatty food for comfort - so the cycle just goes on an on. I feel miserable about being fat, then eat KFC to comfort myself. Then I feel bad about that...so I have some cakes to cheer myself up.
WHY!?!
I have so much compassion for drug addicts because it is the hardest thing to separate myself from this addiction to fatty foods. Foods with NO nutritional value at all - all fried, greasy, horrible things that I fill my body with. I don't even like it, which makes me feel DOUBLY JIPPED. At least in the beginning I was enjoying the junk food. Now, I'm turning to food as something to do. And having no job is giving me a lot more time to eat. So this is all awful.
I'm anxious a lot more about leaving the house and I've noticed a new struggle with germs and dirt. Mostly with the toilet. I hate the thought of poo. I hate having to have a poo (sorry - I know this is awful but I want to get it off my chest) and I continually feel like I'm somehow covered in it. I dream about poo - about it on things I need to touch. I feel disgusting. Literally. Feeling like this is completely new to me and something my mind can't seem to separate itself from. In an attempt to make myself at peace with it all, I have convinced myself it's a result of the type of anti-depressants I'm on and that if I change medications, I will get rid of these awful side effects. I'm driving myself crazy about this. About poo, of all things.
*shakes head sadly*
Alun and I just got back from 4 days away in Kalbarri, which was a stunning place. It felt like we'd escaped and gone to Mars - the rock formations were incredible and we hiked through valleys, gorges and mountains that were just breath taking.
But I couldn't enjoy it. Not really. Because I felt scared all the time.
I'm either scared of having to poo, touching something with poo on it, or my biggest and most prominent fear - getting poo on me without knowing and walking about with it on me...or scared of some type of harm coming to Alun. I hadn't realised how much his past hospital visits have affected me, but whenever Alun jumped down from a really high stone step or ran along the beach, my heart was in my mouth, wondering how to carry him up the hills and to safety if anything happened to him. I felt like I was shallow-breathing the entire 'holiday', holding my breath and counting the seconds until one of us ended up in hospital. Alun with some kind of illness or injury and me gagging to death on poo.
There is something seriously wrong with me, isn't there?
I don't sleep. I don't rest. I worry all the time. I spend money I don't have!!!
I'm losing my damn mind.
I want to end on a good note. I have to try.
Alun is on 3 week's break and I think he really needed it. It's nice to see him resting.
While I am worrying about money, Alun is generous and kind and happily pays for everything. He tells me repeatedly to lean on him and tell him what I need money-wise so he can help me. I can't imagine going through this on my own again - the HUGE difference it makes having Alun shoulder the financial responsibility and the gentleness he does it with blesses my heart more than I could ever tell you.
My friends, too - have been so generous. Whenever a friend has asked me to meet them for lunch, they've quickly and quietly paid for it even before I think to get my purse out. I'm so blessed.
I have 2 interviews on Monday - one at 11am and one at 3:30pm. Both are for temp jobs of only a few weeks each but at this stage, ANY job is a good one. Even 3 week's work is better than nothing.
I'm hoping that next time I write to you, I can tell you about my new job.
I just have to STOP SPENDING and HANG ONTO the money I make in the future.
Wish me luck.
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