My heart is so fragile and my thoughts are so dark and askew right now. The smallest thing is enough to tip me over the balance.
I didn't want to go into work today so I was up all last night writing 'goodbye' letters to everyone I love. I bought stamps from the post office and wrote to each person with a broken heart. I didn't want them to sound like suicide letters so I wrote as happily and as lovingly as I could.
I think it's important what you LEAVE behind and I wanted to leave love. As much love as I could.
I put on my favourite pyjamas and I sat next to Alun.
In a monotone voice with nothing but the emptiness inside holding me up, I said to Alun:
"These are the pjs I want to be buried in"
I can't believe I did that to Alun. I can't believe I did that to him. But that's where I was and I wanted him to know.
Alun stared straight ahead at the TV.
I know he heard me but he didn't say anything.
I got up and went to bed. I took a handful of really strong sleeping tablets. Not enough to kill me, I just wanted to be able to sleep. It's been SO LONG since I had a good sleep.
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and could hear Alun talking to someone in the kitchen.
I walked out to see what he was up to and he was on the phone. He was crying and there was an empty bottle of wine on the bench and a half filled wine glass.
"Oh she's just walked in - wanna talk to her?" he said into the phone.
Alun passed it to me.
I spent the next hour talking to my friend Megan. About 20 minutes into the convo, I heard the sound of a door shutting. I followed and found Alun fast asleep in the spare room. He looked so broken and so exhausted.
My thinking is so OFF that in my mind, it made perfect sense to kill myself. It was either that - or go to work the next morning.
Alun will be better off without me
At least Im in comfy pjs
What is going on my mind???
I'm trying to make sense of it all and all I can think is that my suicidal addiction is based on:
Every job I've been fired from. Probably more than 40 in the last 8 years. Doesn't sound like a lot but believe me, it feels HEAVY AF to take on.
I went from Downer where I was happy and successful as an OFFICE MANAGER and not just a reception for 12 months to Conoco Phillips where I was deeply unhappy. I worked 10 hour days and would get home and do housework. I would try to see all my friends and be 'social' on the weekends and I just didn't stop.
Then I had a hysterectomy and I honestly feel it was God's way of saying "Hey, REST for a bit"
And 6 weeks flew by because I couldn't just rest. I couldn't just let Alun work and do all the house chores. So I spent 6 weeks trying to do more and more and more every day as well as job hunt and see my friends. When I saw my friends, my natural tendency is to put them first. So I spent 6 weeks taking on all their troubles, their sorrows and their burdens. By the time I fronted up for my first day of work at HSS, I was truly exhausted.
2 months of more 10 hour shifts. 2 months of an hour of the gym after each long shift. 2 months of being the 'favourite' in the office which I really, really loved. I loved it so much that I ignored the 100's of red flags that popped up whenever I dealt with the Facilities team. I saw "Tina" degrading and racially slurring so many of the staff and I didn't say a word because I selfishly thought "Well it's not happening to me, not my problem"
I think the fall from 'grace' at HSS was what did me in. To go from 'the favourite' ("Janet, you're a rock star") to a sudden HATRED "are you deaf or just stupid?" hit me really, really hard. "Tina" and "Bob" weren't just 'annoyed' with me or frustrated or fed up with my bollocks...they HATED me. The same girl who would stop by my desk with constant gifts (cupcakes, sparkly pens, little notes with cute pictures on them "Happy Monday Janet") suddenly started slagging me off. Yelling at me. Putting me down. Confusing me.
"Go and tidy the kitchen"
So I would get up and tidy the kitchen.
I would return to my computer and there would be an email
"You should not be abandoning your post on reception. You are the point of contact for this building and you should remain stationed at the desk"
And all the directors and bosses would be copied in.
I would respond with "But you asked me to clean the kitchen?"
And get an instant ENRAGED response "That's not part of your reception duties, why would I ask that? There's obviously been a mis-communication here. Please remain at your reception post and stop wandering off, it's unprofessional and makes us look incompetent"
and this would happen ALL day, every day...for months.
I thought gas lighting was only in relationships. But I've found out from working at HSS that Managers and bosses do it, too.
I've lost my train of thought now. I'm just so tired.
I didn't want to go into work today so I was up all last night writing 'goodbye' letters to everyone I love. I bought stamps from the post office and wrote to each person with a broken heart. I didn't want them to sound like suicide letters so I wrote as happily and as lovingly as I could.
I think it's important what you LEAVE behind and I wanted to leave love. As much love as I could.
I put on my favourite pyjamas and I sat next to Alun.
In a monotone voice with nothing but the emptiness inside holding me up, I said to Alun:
"These are the pjs I want to be buried in"
I can't believe I did that to Alun. I can't believe I did that to him. But that's where I was and I wanted him to know.
Alun stared straight ahead at the TV.
I know he heard me but he didn't say anything.
I got up and went to bed. I took a handful of really strong sleeping tablets. Not enough to kill me, I just wanted to be able to sleep. It's been SO LONG since I had a good sleep.
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and could hear Alun talking to someone in the kitchen.
I walked out to see what he was up to and he was on the phone. He was crying and there was an empty bottle of wine on the bench and a half filled wine glass.
"Oh she's just walked in - wanna talk to her?" he said into the phone.
Alun passed it to me.
I spent the next hour talking to my friend Megan. About 20 minutes into the convo, I heard the sound of a door shutting. I followed and found Alun fast asleep in the spare room. He looked so broken and so exhausted.
My thinking is so OFF that in my mind, it made perfect sense to kill myself. It was either that - or go to work the next morning.
Alun will be better off without me
At least Im in comfy pjs
What is going on my mind???
I'm trying to make sense of it all and all I can think is that my suicidal addiction is based on:
Every job I've been fired from. Probably more than 40 in the last 8 years. Doesn't sound like a lot but believe me, it feels HEAVY AF to take on.
I went from Downer where I was happy and successful as an OFFICE MANAGER and not just a reception for 12 months to Conoco Phillips where I was deeply unhappy. I worked 10 hour days and would get home and do housework. I would try to see all my friends and be 'social' on the weekends and I just didn't stop.
Then I had a hysterectomy and I honestly feel it was God's way of saying "Hey, REST for a bit"
And 6 weeks flew by because I couldn't just rest. I couldn't just let Alun work and do all the house chores. So I spent 6 weeks trying to do more and more and more every day as well as job hunt and see my friends. When I saw my friends, my natural tendency is to put them first. So I spent 6 weeks taking on all their troubles, their sorrows and their burdens. By the time I fronted up for my first day of work at HSS, I was truly exhausted.
2 months of more 10 hour shifts. 2 months of an hour of the gym after each long shift. 2 months of being the 'favourite' in the office which I really, really loved. I loved it so much that I ignored the 100's of red flags that popped up whenever I dealt with the Facilities team. I saw "Tina" degrading and racially slurring so many of the staff and I didn't say a word because I selfishly thought "Well it's not happening to me, not my problem"
I think the fall from 'grace' at HSS was what did me in. To go from 'the favourite' ("Janet, you're a rock star") to a sudden HATRED "are you deaf or just stupid?" hit me really, really hard. "Tina" and "Bob" weren't just 'annoyed' with me or frustrated or fed up with my bollocks...they HATED me. The same girl who would stop by my desk with constant gifts (cupcakes, sparkly pens, little notes with cute pictures on them "Happy Monday Janet") suddenly started slagging me off. Yelling at me. Putting me down. Confusing me.
"Go and tidy the kitchen"
So I would get up and tidy the kitchen.
I would return to my computer and there would be an email
"You should not be abandoning your post on reception. You are the point of contact for this building and you should remain stationed at the desk"
And all the directors and bosses would be copied in.
I would respond with "But you asked me to clean the kitchen?"
And get an instant ENRAGED response "That's not part of your reception duties, why would I ask that? There's obviously been a mis-communication here. Please remain at your reception post and stop wandering off, it's unprofessional and makes us look incompetent"
and this would happen ALL day, every day...for months.
I thought gas lighting was only in relationships. But I've found out from working at HSS that Managers and bosses do it, too.
I've lost my train of thought now. I'm just so tired.
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