Skip to main content

Trying

Right.

So I go on a 20 minute walk EVERY DAY because EVERYONE says exercise is important.

I listen to my friends, look after Alun and water the garden every day because EVERYONE says it's important to care for something other than myself.

I try hard to cut back on salty/sugary/fatty foods and I'm pretty rubbish at it but every day, I try.

I take my stupid anti-depressants every day.

The hospital sends me on random psych/GP appointments every few days and each time it's with a NEW PERSON so I have to start from square one again and again and again.

"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Janet. I'm 42...yes, I've been suffering with suicidal ideation just lately and could really use some help"

That psych nods and goes through my very thin file. It's thin because PSYCHS KEEP LOSING IT and having to start over again.

THIS INFURIATES ME.

I go to my GP appointments and pay a FORTUNE each time to get ignored.

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW THAT I'M SHAKING.

WHY IS IT UP TO ME TO KEEP CHASING PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE AND REMINDING THEM HOW TO HELP ME?

Today I tried a new psychologist of my OWN choosing. Actually not my own, this psych was highly recommended by my new GP - I FINALLY found one I like (Thank you, Lord).

When she mentioned "tapping" (touching 'main points' of your body) which would "completely heal me of depression" she lost me. I can't bring my problems to you, you're nuttier than I am.

I obviously can't go back to "George" so it's up to ME to keep looking. To keep searching. TO KEEP GOING when every fibre of my being just wants to quit.

Why is it that the person who hates me most is the one responsible for my well being?

WHY?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

just not sure

If anyone were to ask if I was okay...I wouldn't know how to answer that. I mean, in theory, I'm fine. Absolutley fine. I go to the gym almost every day. I eat a lot healthier than I have in a long time. I still eat cookies and have the ocassional icecream but I'm doing a hellovalot better than I used to. I'm pretty proud of that. I try hard to be mindful - to be more 'in the moment' in my life. I notice I'm always 'rushing ahead' to the next thing - like if I'm in work, I'm rushing ahead in my mind to going home...then I get home and I'm rushing ahead to going to bed - ticking off in my mind all the things I need to do...all the things that need my attention between the time I sit on the sofa to watch TV and the time I'm pulling the blanket up over me and gratefully snuggling into bed. Even then, I'm rushing ahead to the next morning in my mind, planning what to wear for work, what to pack for lunch, what workout to do a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not a fan of tough love

"I'm just giving you tough love because I care" Well. Care enough then, to shut your mouth. And keep it closed. Thanks. As you can see, I'm not a fan of 'tough love'. I think when you love someone - it shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't feel like someone is taking a jackhammer to your soul and battering it about while shouting "this will be good for you in the end" Will it? Because I think that's garbage. I understand the concept of it. I do. It's when someone wants to stop being gentle with you and they want to tell you off and be rude, blunt and hurtful - and get away with it. The Bible says there is a time for everything. In the case of 'tough love', I can see that people would think there was a time for being stern with someone - a time to 'help' when it comes to a person 'snapping out' of something. I can see in extreme cases where everything else has been tried and has failed that a person might wa...
Post a Comment
Read more

10...and then 5 :)

Yeah I can tell Im getting better because even though things are tough right now and Im sad and a bit fed up and weary...I still have hope :) I cant help it, it's who I am. I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me. I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although...
5 comments
Read more