I've been struggling at work in the last few weeks as the 'charming' Team Leader I thought I had is actually an overly ambitious shark. He's figured out who he can mess with, who he needs to butter up and who he can downright bully...and guess which group he's put me into?
Yep.
So I get "pulled aside" for a DAILY "meeting" with this guy. We'll call him "Barry". Barry is a small, weird looking Indian guy who speaks as if he's quietly singing somehow. There is a lilt to his tone and use of words which seems to go up and down hills as he's speaking. I find it unnerving. I always have. I excused it in the beginning because he was always complimenting me. Now that he's honed in on my weakness (I'm a people pleaser, damn it), his voice just grates on me. When my work Skype pops up with a message from him "Janet please come see me", I know I'm in for a bollocking.
He messages me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
What makes it hard is that:
1) I dont deserve these daily 'telling off's - because I work hard. Yes, I talk to everyone around me and have become quite the office socialite, but I work really hard. My focus is on my work and I know this sounds incredibly vain, but I do a pretty awesome job.
2) NO ONE ELSE gets pulled aside by Barry. Oh no. Instead they're getting emails of praise "Well done" "Great work" "Awesome effort" so this feels personal. Targeted.
I genuinely love to be around people, I love being friendly and being a friend is what my heart is made for. I truly believe it. I know every person and have built up a happy relationship with every co-worker. It makes me so happy going into work each morning and hearing "Hey Janet!" "Morning beautiful" "Yay, Janet's here!" around the office. I like the feeling of people being pleased to see me. I admit to that. On my breaks (we get 2 x 15 minute "screen breaks" every day as well as a 30 minute lunch) I spend time in the kitchen catching up with different groups. I want to know how Shirley and Hayley are going with their kids. I want to know if Penny got her engagement ring back from the jewellers (a diamond fell out), I want to know what food Adam is planning to cook for his girlfriend of nine years, what series Kathy is up to on Netflix's "Dead to me", how many cans of Fanta Greg is aiming for in that afternoon (his record is 4) and how my pod buddies, Bonnie, Harleen and Indra are going.
So when Barry pulled me aside that fateful day 2 weeks ago and told me off (our very first "meeting") for talking too much and being overly noisy in the office, I accepted it. I apologised profusely. Barry seemed to enjoy this. He put his hands in the air, the "okay okay" signal "Calm down, I'm not having a go at you" (he was, though)"...and I need you to know we all love the positivity you bring to the office. Everyone seems happier once you come in, that's important. Just...keep it down, ok?"
Ok.
But then the next morning I got another Skype message from Barry "Janet, come see me". This time when I saw him, Barry told me off for my "inappropriate behaviour" in the office. I was shocked "consider this a verbal warning, Janet" - but then Barry wouldn't directly tell me what it was. I had taken the first 'meeting' very seriously and had stopped talking/joking with staff during breaks and lunch. I had focused more on my work and had responded to everyone's questions "why are you so quiet?" with shrugs and smiles "I'm just tired".
(Universal excuse for a great many sorrows and battles: "Just tired").
"We've (who's 'we' in this scenario?) received SEVERAL complaints about your behaviour" Barry sternly shook his head "Not cool, Janet. You should know better. Why am I ALWAYS (always???) having to talk to you about this? Why? You're not under pressure, this is a job everyone would kill for. You have no reason to behave badly"
I was shaking. I was so hurt by this. The word "several" echoed in my head. Who was complaining? Who said this? Did several mean 2 people...or 30?
My anxiety was rising higher and higher.
Barry couldn't meet my eye contact. That alone should have tipped me off that something wasn't right. This wasn't kosher or above board. This was shady. I tried to meet his gaze but Barry turned away from me and had been whispering the entire time he held this so-called "meeting" with me so I caught the words "I don't like it when you..." but lost the rest of the sentence.
When I what?!? What am I doing wrong?
"So you agree to curb your behaviour and stop being inappropriate?" Barry had turned back again to face me and had raised his voice. On purpose, it seemed. To get attention. It worked; I noticed people nearby (it's a huge OPEN PLAN office space) were listening in but pretending not to.
I was so embarrassed.
This all felt SO WRONG to me.
I nodded. In hindsight, I wish I had kicked off. I wish I had asked "but who said this and WHAT behaviour do you actually mean?" but I felt embarrassed by it all, immediately ashamed and took all the blame upon my shoulders.
Stupid Janet. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I went back to my desk and tried to control my shaking.
Calm down, JD. It's no big deal.
"several complaints" in Barry's voice spun around like a record on repeat..."several"
So these friends that light up when I come into work...the people that laugh with me and commiserate with me when we all have those tough calls from customers who demand so much of us when we're all still new and it's all overwhelming for us...they've complained about me?
I usually created a 'group chat' on Skype every day, adding Bonnie, Harleen and Indra so we could all help each other with calls (we all have different skills so we help each other all the time) as well as just generally talk and keep our spirits up.
I didn't do that this time, wondering which of them saw Barry about me without talking to me first. Was it Bonnie? Harleen? Indra? Did they ALL go to him? "Janet's becoming a problem"???
My over active imagination was in overdrive, imagining EVERYONE going to Barry in groups - "Janet is annoying" "She talks too much" "She's so needy" "...wish she'd just shut up"
Did they say that about me?
I didn't realise I was crying until a tear plopped onto my pants.
I bit my lip.
My hurt ran so deeply. I felt betrayed by everyone. Everyone I had reached out to, been nice to.
And most of all? I felt betrayed by Barry. He didn't tell me what "behaviour" had promoted this verbal bollocking, he had been overly harsh with me, embarrassed me on purpose and been extremely vague about the complaints and especially about how to fix them or move forward to avoid future bollockings.
Barry, you bastard.
That afternoon passed by in years. Painful, dark years where my mind made up all the situations people would have complained about me. When I left flowers on Penny's desk and she hugged me and said it meant the world to her - was she lying? Did she then message Barry and complain about me? When Bonnie, Indra and Harleen called me the "group Queen" and said how much they all liked me and looked forward to seeing me and talking to me on the 'group chats' I created each day - were they all lying to me? Had they gone behind my back and complained to Barry?
Logic and reason for anyone else in this situation: No big deal, get over it. I'm not losing my job, it could have been a lot worse. Barry's a dick. I move on.
But for me?
For me, this brought back years and years of a childhood of hurt. Children pointing at me, laughing at me, pulling my hair "why is your hair like a cleaning mop?" children pretending they were dying of "aids" when they brushed against my skin "You're dirty. Your skin is dirty" "Why are your gums black? Don't you brush your teeth?" "Yuck" "Janet has abo germs". Years of being called "Ugly". Years of being the "other"...on the outside. Picked on, bullied, laughed at, ignored. Avoided.
The past seemed to suddenly weigh heavily on me...and now "several complaints" was added.
A fresh new hurt.
A new instance of being the other. The outsider.
The baddie.
The burden that label demanded seemed too heavy to carry. Too much.
And so it was over the next 2 days.
I didn't speak to anyone. I kept to myself. I went home early the day after that bollocking because I couldn't stop the painful memories or the physical shaking. I came back the day after, determined to try harder - to be tougher.
I resolved to force myself to be on my own - to not interact with ANYONE. Ever again.
Then, my Skype popped up with messages from 'friends' all over the office
"What happened, J? You're not yourself"
"You look so unhappy, sweetheart - want to talk?"
"Are you ok?"
"What did Barry talk to you about? You've not been the same since"
Bonnie created a group chat and added me, Indra and Harleen "Ja Ja, (they've nicknamed me and I've grown to love it) what's wrong? We miss your laugh and your stories"
So with a heavy heart, I responded to each message with the same sentence "Barry told me off the other day for my behaviour. He said there've been several complaints"
My screen lit up with instant replies
"WTF?"
"Bastard. Knew I shouldn't trust him"
"Oh sh*t. You must be gutted"
"We all love you, Janet"
"But you don't do anything wrong! What did he say that for?"
From the girls in my pod over group chat - shock and outrage.
Bonnie: "That's so unfair. He shouldn't have done that. Are you ok?"
Harleen: "Oh Janet...I'm so sorry. That must have hurt you so much. No wonder you've been quiet"
Indra "Oh nooooo. It wasn't me. Who would have complained?"
Indra's message seemed to be infectious and within the next 5 minutes, 30 messages came from different people around the office - all saying the same thing "I want you to know, it wasn't me. I absolutely adore you" "I would never complain, I wonder who did it?" "Don't listen to Barry, we all think you're the bees knees" "Don't let the bastards get you down, J - you light the place up" "I love having you here, you make my day"
Hmm.
My anxiety lowered and I got on with my work, sending quick replies of "Thanks, I'll be okay" to everyone.
If no-one had complained...what was Barry on about?
Was everyone lying to me?
I was so confused.
Maybe it's just better to stick to myself.
Yep.
So I get "pulled aside" for a DAILY "meeting" with this guy. We'll call him "Barry". Barry is a small, weird looking Indian guy who speaks as if he's quietly singing somehow. There is a lilt to his tone and use of words which seems to go up and down hills as he's speaking. I find it unnerving. I always have. I excused it in the beginning because he was always complimenting me. Now that he's honed in on my weakness (I'm a people pleaser, damn it), his voice just grates on me. When my work Skype pops up with a message from him "Janet please come see me", I know I'm in for a bollocking.
He messages me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
What makes it hard is that:
1) I dont deserve these daily 'telling off's - because I work hard. Yes, I talk to everyone around me and have become quite the office socialite, but I work really hard. My focus is on my work and I know this sounds incredibly vain, but I do a pretty awesome job.
2) NO ONE ELSE gets pulled aside by Barry. Oh no. Instead they're getting emails of praise "Well done" "Great work" "Awesome effort" so this feels personal. Targeted.
I genuinely love to be around people, I love being friendly and being a friend is what my heart is made for. I truly believe it. I know every person and have built up a happy relationship with every co-worker. It makes me so happy going into work each morning and hearing "Hey Janet!" "Morning beautiful" "Yay, Janet's here!" around the office. I like the feeling of people being pleased to see me. I admit to that. On my breaks (we get 2 x 15 minute "screen breaks" every day as well as a 30 minute lunch) I spend time in the kitchen catching up with different groups. I want to know how Shirley and Hayley are going with their kids. I want to know if Penny got her engagement ring back from the jewellers (a diamond fell out), I want to know what food Adam is planning to cook for his girlfriend of nine years, what series Kathy is up to on Netflix's "Dead to me", how many cans of Fanta Greg is aiming for in that afternoon (his record is 4) and how my pod buddies, Bonnie, Harleen and Indra are going.
So when Barry pulled me aside that fateful day 2 weeks ago and told me off (our very first "meeting") for talking too much and being overly noisy in the office, I accepted it. I apologised profusely. Barry seemed to enjoy this. He put his hands in the air, the "okay okay" signal "Calm down, I'm not having a go at you" (he was, though)"...and I need you to know we all love the positivity you bring to the office. Everyone seems happier once you come in, that's important. Just...keep it down, ok?"
Ok.
But then the next morning I got another Skype message from Barry "Janet, come see me". This time when I saw him, Barry told me off for my "inappropriate behaviour" in the office. I was shocked "consider this a verbal warning, Janet" - but then Barry wouldn't directly tell me what it was. I had taken the first 'meeting' very seriously and had stopped talking/joking with staff during breaks and lunch. I had focused more on my work and had responded to everyone's questions "why are you so quiet?" with shrugs and smiles "I'm just tired".
(Universal excuse for a great many sorrows and battles: "Just tired").
"We've (who's 'we' in this scenario?) received SEVERAL complaints about your behaviour" Barry sternly shook his head "Not cool, Janet. You should know better. Why am I ALWAYS (always???) having to talk to you about this? Why? You're not under pressure, this is a job everyone would kill for. You have no reason to behave badly"
I was shaking. I was so hurt by this. The word "several" echoed in my head. Who was complaining? Who said this? Did several mean 2 people...or 30?
My anxiety was rising higher and higher.
Barry couldn't meet my eye contact. That alone should have tipped me off that something wasn't right. This wasn't kosher or above board. This was shady. I tried to meet his gaze but Barry turned away from me and had been whispering the entire time he held this so-called "meeting" with me so I caught the words "I don't like it when you..." but lost the rest of the sentence.
When I what?!? What am I doing wrong?
"So you agree to curb your behaviour and stop being inappropriate?" Barry had turned back again to face me and had raised his voice. On purpose, it seemed. To get attention. It worked; I noticed people nearby (it's a huge OPEN PLAN office space) were listening in but pretending not to.
I was so embarrassed.
This all felt SO WRONG to me.
I nodded. In hindsight, I wish I had kicked off. I wish I had asked "but who said this and WHAT behaviour do you actually mean?" but I felt embarrassed by it all, immediately ashamed and took all the blame upon my shoulders.
Stupid Janet. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I went back to my desk and tried to control my shaking.
Calm down, JD. It's no big deal.
"several complaints" in Barry's voice spun around like a record on repeat..."several"
So these friends that light up when I come into work...the people that laugh with me and commiserate with me when we all have those tough calls from customers who demand so much of us when we're all still new and it's all overwhelming for us...they've complained about me?
I usually created a 'group chat' on Skype every day, adding Bonnie, Harleen and Indra so we could all help each other with calls (we all have different skills so we help each other all the time) as well as just generally talk and keep our spirits up.
I didn't do that this time, wondering which of them saw Barry about me without talking to me first. Was it Bonnie? Harleen? Indra? Did they ALL go to him? "Janet's becoming a problem"???
My over active imagination was in overdrive, imagining EVERYONE going to Barry in groups - "Janet is annoying" "She talks too much" "She's so needy" "...wish she'd just shut up"
Did they say that about me?
I didn't realise I was crying until a tear plopped onto my pants.
I bit my lip.
My hurt ran so deeply. I felt betrayed by everyone. Everyone I had reached out to, been nice to.
And most of all? I felt betrayed by Barry. He didn't tell me what "behaviour" had promoted this verbal bollocking, he had been overly harsh with me, embarrassed me on purpose and been extremely vague about the complaints and especially about how to fix them or move forward to avoid future bollockings.
Barry, you bastard.
That afternoon passed by in years. Painful, dark years where my mind made up all the situations people would have complained about me. When I left flowers on Penny's desk and she hugged me and said it meant the world to her - was she lying? Did she then message Barry and complain about me? When Bonnie, Indra and Harleen called me the "group Queen" and said how much they all liked me and looked forward to seeing me and talking to me on the 'group chats' I created each day - were they all lying to me? Had they gone behind my back and complained to Barry?
Logic and reason for anyone else in this situation: No big deal, get over it. I'm not losing my job, it could have been a lot worse. Barry's a dick. I move on.
But for me?
For me, this brought back years and years of a childhood of hurt. Children pointing at me, laughing at me, pulling my hair "why is your hair like a cleaning mop?" children pretending they were dying of "aids" when they brushed against my skin "You're dirty. Your skin is dirty" "Why are your gums black? Don't you brush your teeth?" "Yuck" "Janet has abo germs". Years of being called "Ugly". Years of being the "other"...on the outside. Picked on, bullied, laughed at, ignored. Avoided.
The past seemed to suddenly weigh heavily on me...and now "several complaints" was added.
A fresh new hurt.
A new instance of being the other. The outsider.
The baddie.
The burden that label demanded seemed too heavy to carry. Too much.
And so it was over the next 2 days.
I didn't speak to anyone. I kept to myself. I went home early the day after that bollocking because I couldn't stop the painful memories or the physical shaking. I came back the day after, determined to try harder - to be tougher.
I resolved to force myself to be on my own - to not interact with ANYONE. Ever again.
Then, my Skype popped up with messages from 'friends' all over the office
"What happened, J? You're not yourself"
"You look so unhappy, sweetheart - want to talk?"
"Are you ok?"
"What did Barry talk to you about? You've not been the same since"
Bonnie created a group chat and added me, Indra and Harleen "Ja Ja, (they've nicknamed me and I've grown to love it) what's wrong? We miss your laugh and your stories"
So with a heavy heart, I responded to each message with the same sentence "Barry told me off the other day for my behaviour. He said there've been several complaints"
My screen lit up with instant replies
"WTF?"
"Bastard. Knew I shouldn't trust him"
"Oh sh*t. You must be gutted"
"We all love you, Janet"
"But you don't do anything wrong! What did he say that for?"
From the girls in my pod over group chat - shock and outrage.
Bonnie: "That's so unfair. He shouldn't have done that. Are you ok?"
Harleen: "Oh Janet...I'm so sorry. That must have hurt you so much. No wonder you've been quiet"
Indra "Oh nooooo. It wasn't me. Who would have complained?"
Indra's message seemed to be infectious and within the next 5 minutes, 30 messages came from different people around the office - all saying the same thing "I want you to know, it wasn't me. I absolutely adore you" "I would never complain, I wonder who did it?" "Don't listen to Barry, we all think you're the bees knees" "Don't let the bastards get you down, J - you light the place up" "I love having you here, you make my day"
Hmm.
My anxiety lowered and I got on with my work, sending quick replies of "Thanks, I'll be okay" to everyone.
If no-one had complained...what was Barry on about?
Was everyone lying to me?
I was so confused.
Maybe it's just better to stick to myself.
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