Trauma

I don't know how to get past it, guys.

The trauma.

Nothing has happened apart from the daily bollocking by Barry (thanks, mate. NOT) but I feel like I'm suffering.

I tried to kill myself on Christmas Eve. I tried again about 6 weeks later. I went through 3 jobs in as many weeks AND Alun's parents came to stay.

That's all really, really affected me.

Alun and I were in a really bad way for a while there. It was scary. We were both depressed, both anxious, both lashing out.

I was seriously considering a divorce. Not just having a hissy fit...I seriously wanted to leave Alun. He accused me of KILLING his parents "You're sentencing them to death, I hope you're happy" he had branded me with a heavy burden. How was I suddenly responsible for the livelihood of his parents? I just wanted my home back.

Then they left. Covid19 took over the world.

And we've all moved on.

But I haven't.

I'm still on Christmas eve. In my head, I'm still in the bathtub drinking a beer. I'm still hoping the entire packet of panadols I took the night before kills me. I'm still willing the medication to wreck and ruin my liver and kidneys.

Go ahead, kill me.

I'm still the Janet that dialled Lifeline with trembling fingers from the bedroom when Alun was in the living room laughing at something on the tv with his parents. He had just announced they could stay "for the rest of the year" without asking me and when I pulled him aside to hastily whisper my urgent appeal to please have our home - MY HAVEN - restored as soon as possible and that we should strongly encourage his parents to fly back to the UK before flights were cancelled/restricted...Alun had said I would be SOLEY RESPONSIBLE for their DEATHS.

You don't say that to someone you love.

You don't even mutter such things to someone you hate.

It's too much. Too hurtful. Too far.

So again, I tried to commit suicide.

And noone knew.

And I didn't go to hospital - I kept going into work.

And that fell apart.

And so did I.

And I blamed myself when "Gru" fired me, convinced 100% the problem was indeed ME.

I took the heavy burden Alun had casually cast upon me "If my parents die, it will be YOUR fault"

I carried that and I still do.

And now I'm in a job where the "charming" team leader has it in for me. It's not just something in my head, he literally tells me off harshly every day for the smallest mistakes while at the same time, praising my co-workers. He's dividing and conquering and he's a pro at it. Its like going to a gun fight with a butter knife. I'm losing badly.

I felt overwhelmed by it all today. I'd only been in work an hour when the dreaded Skype message popped up on my screen "Janet, come see me"

Barry. Really? I've only just sat down, mate.

"You need to re-do your coding for that customer 2 weeks ago"

What?

"You coded it wrong"

It? What, though? Was it a payment? A job claim? A document upload? A query? What?

"You should know, you're the one who did it"

Surprise surprise, Barry - I take 100 calls a day. I don't know what I coded for a customer yesterday afternoon let alone 2 weeks ago.

So I walked back to my desk and hung my head.

Skype messages from my pod buddies and friends "you ok?"

Honestly? No.

I messaged my team leader's boss.

Let's see how you like those apples, Barry. I'm not going to let you WHISPER to me any more or pull me aside without anyone else around. I'm not going to let you gaslight me through other people any more - the coworkers who stand up for you when I question your methods because they think you're amazing.

I'm going to shout it from the rooftop if I have to - what you're doing isn't right.

So I emailed his boss and asked to speak to her.

We spoke.

Barry has been exposed.

I should feel elated and victorious but I feel deflated and uneasy.

In my head right now, I'm still the Janet from a few months ago, walking home in the rain from being fired, longing for a cottage that ISN'T filled with Welsh people.

I'm still the girl sitting in the bathtub on Christmas morning, hoping my organs will shut down and that I'll pass away.

I'm still hurting so badly and so deeply.

How do I cope with what was, what is and what is to be?

After my meeting with Barry's boss...let's call her "Mary", I messaged Mary on Skype "I'm not coping, Mary. I suffer with mental illness and our meeting just now has just taken it out of me. I know I've only been at work an hour but I'd like to go home, please"

Instant response from Mary "Of course. I totally understand. Go get some rest and come back bright and rested tomorrow"

Another message "We can offer you 6 free counselling sessions with our EAP if you like?"

Me: "Yes please"

Mary: "I'll email you the details now, please reach out for help and support"

Me: "Thank you so much, I'll call the number you gave me on my way home"

So I left. I went home to Alun who hugged me tight and nuzzled my neck, making me feel as if everything in the world was going to be okay. We've been a lot closer since his parents left and returned to Wales (WOOHOO!). Alun went to the garden store and I slept for 4 hours. I feel like I've not slept in years.

Is that weird?

I'm blogging now just to try to get SOME of the burden off my chest. I feel like I carry heavy boulders around with me every day and have done for months now.

I don't know how to put them down. I feel like I can't.

I've made a psychology appointment for Monday at 12noon in Mount Lawley. The plan is to message Mary tomorrow (I plan to go back into work) about Monday's appointment and arrange a longer than usual lunch break so I can attend my appointment but be back in work for the afternoon shift.

I'll try again with a brand new psych (my current one is a nutcase) and I'll do everything I can to get better.

The voice of doubt in my head whispers "but will it ever get better?"