God makes beauty from ashes

Hi Jonathan, How are you? Im writing to you on my blog because whenever we have spoken over the last year and a half, we are both too full of emotion to think clearly and calmly. Im also writing to you on here because I can say -without any 'editing' or fear of saying the wrong thing - what I REALLY want to; because you'll actually never read this. Oh Jonno...we've gone from crying torrents of tears at the very beginning of this divorce...to shouting abuse and saying things we would have been SHOCKED to even think about years ago...to just sighing in defeat, to fighting more, to trying to go on in ignorance...to your email last week that was simply titled "Hi Little Miss". A new beginning. I read it a thousand times and wrote my reply very carefully. I kept it short, you know. A lot like the first email I ever sent to you. I was in Uni in Australia - a nervous 23 year old girl not knowing what the hell her life was going to be like...I saw your profil...

that's who I hope to be one day. Someone like Irene. I remember the first time I met Irene. She was in the Church kitchen and came out wiping her hands on an apron. She smiled at me and made me feel welcome right away. Irene and Becky Buchnor were the 2 names I remembered from meeting so many people at Church that day. Everyone was lovely and so friendly but Irene and Bec touched my heart especially. Irene had a way of making everyone and anyone feel like they were welcome and cared for. I remember Irene would always make me a card and write something uplifting and encouraging. I always got post from Irene when I moved back to Oz the first few times and whenever it was my birthday, a card and gift from Irene were always the first things I opened. Irene touched so many people's lives and poured herself out so selflessly for everyone around her. The world will be at a huge loss and Heaven will be partying. Im too upset to write anything else xx

Sometimes moving on can be so hard. I remember last year when I got "released" from hospital. The fear of leaving that safe trauma ward was awful. I hated thinking "oh God...now I'll be on my own and I still cant walk"...but you know what? we move on. We move on from petty fights with friends, from stupid family things, from broken hearts and crap days and we hope for better things. Im blessed because I'm experiencing those 'better things' right now, actually. Think about it, Im at work (so Im thankful for a job), I have the world's most amazing people as my friends (seriously, all my friends are worth their weight in gold) I have a safe home, lots of food and money... and I have an amazing boyfriend. Alun met up with me yesterday at the Royal on a sunny, warm Perth day. He had something in a huge shopping bag and held it out to me with an excited grin "OMG Janet - open it, you're gonna LOVE it!" and the smile on his face r...

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary without Jon. This year, Im more able to accept it. Last year, I was running from it. I ran all the way to a nervous breakdown and a horrific quad bike accident. Odd the way 'just another day' can actually be really hard to get through. I texted Jon last night. First of all, just "hey - how you doin'?"...Jon texted back "yeah good. u?" and I texted "on the whole, pretty blessed. Finding tomorrow hard for obvious reasons. should be just another day but cant seem to stop hurting over it. Hope you'll have a good day. Thinking of you" and didnt hear back from him. Just texting though seemed to take such a weight off. I'd been up most of the night tossing and turning and worrying so once I'd texted Jon - it didnt seem to matter if he texted back or not, I just needed HIM to know I was thinking of him. I went straight to sleep after I'd sent that text. I woke this morning to check my phone an...

Maybe the stupid cow at Bec's work should use HERS more often. Yesterday after a very painful root canal (it was awful but had to be done. The Dentist and her assistant were lovely and kept checking I was okay to go on. I nodded whenever they said "Are you alright?" but the big tears streaming down the sides of my face while I was suspended in the dentist chair gave me away a bit) I saw Bec's car was still at her office building and decided to take her belated birthday gifts in to her. Yes, I am a tool and forgot Bec's birthday. Not on purpose. Not with any malice...but Jay's texts messages were hard on my heart, Bec's rejection of my MANY calls the day after to apologise were hard too and going in person to Bec's office, repeating my apologies and hoping desperately that Bec would afford me some grace and forgive me...or at least be civil were gentle words lost on deaf ears. I shouldn't have even bothered. There I was, with my jaw on fire,...

When Pete, Lyn and Troy had a "Janet Intervention" for me when I was at my worst with my depression. They all came over, brought kick-ass snacks and helped me unravel the HUGE UGLY tangle I'd gotten myself into. When Gracie drove from Ellenbrook to throw out a dead mouse for me. Stupid, but I'd just broken up with Jon and seeing a dead mouse on the living room floor made me think "I have no husband now to deal with this...Im on my OWN" and I cried for hours. Gracie came and not only got rid of the horrible mouse, she took me out for dinner and didnt once call me a "wuss". When Jonathan filled the entire house with flowers after I'd worked my first ever week at work. When Pete and Lyn called from Australia (I was in England) and Id just broken up with Jon. They put me on speaker and spoke to me just the way I always dreamed and hoped MY parents would talk to me. They supported me, loved me, made me their FIRST PRIORITY and sent hundreds of...

Yeah I can tell Im getting better because even though things are tough right now and Im sad and a bit fed up and weary...I still have hope :) I cant help it, it's who I am. I got an email from "Sandy" today. I really care about her and I look up to her and will probably read her email again when im less tired from a long day and it will make more sense...but for now, what I think she was trying to say to me was to take a bit more ownership of my life and to stop asking God to fix it all...or something like that...and I want you to know, Sandy - Im taking ownership of it and doing it ALL myself...but I believe in God and I believe that he hears me and so Im taking EVERYTHING to Him and just asking for some direction on this. I'll email you personally about about that another day. Thanks for always being there for me. I keep trying and failing and falling, then getting excited about something new and getting back up. Im on a very strange path just now and although...