God makes beauty from ashes

Alun was struggling last night. It is the anniversary of his best friend Paul hanging himself and every 2nd of August is hard on him. Alun cries hard every year and wonders what he could have done to save his friend. I see first hand the effects of suicide and it is a never ending effect of ripples in a pond - they go on and on...in this case 11 years after Paul died and the grief for Alun is as fresh as if it just happened. So every 2nd of August - and leading up to it, I pray for Alun. I am extremely loving and patient and I let a lot of things slide. But this year, I am struggling, too. I have something called "a trapped nerve" in my spine which makes my entire body hurt. Badly. I haven't experienced pain like this - this relentless and awful - in a very long time. I can't escape it. I can't sit or stand or lay down without being in pain. My whole body aches. Mostly all down my left arm for some insane reason. It feels constantly like someone is twisting i...

After not sleeping for almost a week, I decided I had to fix all the wrongdoing I did. Thank you, God. So yesterday morning, I emailed Sally. " Hi Sally, I need to apologise about our meeting and for the things I said. Firstly, I didn't mean to offend you at all, I was just hoping you'd see how seriously I take my role and that I would never rip the company off on purpose. Also regarding my family - I am a liar and a fraud. My Dad is one of the best people ever and although he drives me nuts, he doesn't emotionally abuse me, he is not cruel or power-hungry and he does his best, God bless him. Please disregard anything I said about him in the meeting. I lied and I couldn't be sorrier about it. I hope one day to be as strong and as fierce as you are. With kind regards, Janet " I hit send and put an empty archive box under my work desk so I could pack everything quickly once Sally's "you're fired" email arrived. At least I could leave k...

For the most part, I am a woman of integrity and honesty. I tell the truth even if it costs me. Even if it hurts. It's better than having to remember all the lying. I have learnt that at last. Lol. But the other day here at work? I don't know what overcame me but I told some doozies. First - Paul. He is a very fidgety man. He is always stressed and some part of his body is always shaking. He is our records manager and he is meticulous, hard-working and from what I've seen of him - dependable. He seems to be a nice guy. A nervous, jittery sort...but nice, nonetheless. The only thing is, he smells. Awful. So whenever he comes to visit in the section I sit in, the girls around me roll their eyes. Some are outright rude to him. It hurts my heart to see him treated so badly so I go out of my way to be kind to him. I've learnt to hold my breath. Then, Ima...one of the people that is most rude to him is my ex-friend Ima. I say 'ex friend' because of that de...

I work in an open plan office. It's a huge floor with huge windows and every window has a lovely view of the city around us. So, I used this to my advantage today and tracked "Sally" and her EVERY move from when I received her email about a meeting (8:45am) to when we were scheduled to be in the meeting room (12noon). I worried the entire time I followed her bobbing, blonde head around. I stared at the clock on my computer screen so hard and for so long, the image blurred. Every minute leading up to 'the meeting' was pure torture. Am I getting fired? Why haven't I saved more money for times like this? How quickly can I get another job? What have I done wrong? *mentally scanning for anything I could have done wrong and not finding anything so wondering if I accidentally downloaded and watched hours of porn on my work computer* Worrying, worrying, worrying. Worrying some more. Tracking Sally's every move around the office. Wondering when she ...

No. That's the simple answer. I'd rather know NOW whatever you have to say to me. Not in 30 minutes and certainly NOT in 3 hour's time when I will have worked myself up into an anxious frenzy. For the love of God, don't give me ample time to torture myself. Because I will instantly go to the WORST case scenarious and I will beat myself up about them so that by the time you actually see me, I'm a blithering, shaking, sweating mess. It all kicked off with an email from my new boss - "Sally". Just a line in the subject heading "Hi - can we please have a quick catch up at 8:30? I will meet you in the Swan [meeting] Room" In my mind and heart - COMPLETE PANIC. It seems like a very reasonable request, right? It seems fine "a quick catch up". She's even said 'please' in her request. Very polite. But things like this scare me. I hate things like this. Why do we need to go to a meeting room? I'm convinced it...

I say to myself all the time "yeah, Imma do that" with challenges, but I never. I procrastinate and I let fear, worry and anxiety stop me from doing a lot of things. Like writing a book. I have always wanted to write a book. But what shall I write about? What if people don't like it? What if I fail? What if I don't finish it? Well. Today I'm going to write a book. Chapter 1 of it, anyway. You have exclusive access to it on my blog because you basically know all my secrets anyway...so enjoy! TITLE of my book:  Jane Bevan is a knob. Prologue: You're probably wondering who "Jane Bevan" is. It might surprise you to find out she's someone I've never actually met. Her name popped up on facebook as she had reacted to a picture of a snake on someone's post - saying she was offended and that whoever posted it should have considered how people with arachnophobia would feel having to look at it. Pfft. When did we get so ...

I do a new thing lately where I try to see people through God's eyes. I struggle to grasp how deeply and widely and amazingly He loves each of us so instead, I've managed to look at people as if I'm the one who loves them. I will see a guy on the bus, rubbing his hands together to keep warm and I'll find it adoreable. A voice in my head will say "someone loves him. So much. Someone waits to hold those very hands he's trying to keep warm and someone and loves the safe, warm feel of them" and I really like that . I'll see a woman on the train, weary from a day's work and walking with a slight limp because she's been in uncomfortable heels all day and I'll hear that voice again: "someone loves her. So much. Someone she will complain to about her sore feet who will rub them better and make her laugh after a long day". And do you know what's interesting? Now that I see people through eyes of love, I've not seen an unattract...