Alun was struggling last night. It is the anniversary of his best friend Paul hanging himself and every 2nd of August is hard on him. Alun cries hard every year and wonders what he could have done to save his friend. I see first hand the effects of suicide and it is a never ending effect of ripples in a pond - they go on and on...in this case 11 years after Paul died and the grief for Alun is as fresh as if it just happened.
So every 2nd of August - and leading up to it, I pray for Alun. I am extremely loving and patient and I let a lot of things slide.
But this year, I am struggling, too. I have something called "a trapped nerve" in my spine which makes my entire body hurt. Badly. I haven't experienced pain like this - this relentless and awful - in a very long time. I can't escape it. I can't sit or stand or lay down without being in pain. My whole body aches. Mostly all down my left arm for some insane reason. It feels constantly like someone is twisting it. These last few months, work for me is getting tougher and tougher with a lot of new staff and they are very demanding. The team on the floor above where I sit is especially petty and lets call them..."Lindsay" and "Kathy" are incredibly hard on me. Especially when they are together - which is almost always. It's bordering on bullying and I'm starting to hate having to go up there.
So when I came home from a full day of work yesterday and my entire body was aching, I had all but forgotten about Alun's grief and just wanted to go to bed.
That evening in bed, Alun was in a bad mood.
"You're lazy, Janet"
Huh?
"You heard, bird turd" Alun stated.
Bird Turd?
We don't speak to each other like this. Not ever.
"Excuse me?" I asked - hoping Alun would apologise and just go to sleep.
"I SAID...YOU ARE LAZY" Alun almost shouted.
Lazy?
I've just worked a full week of 8 hour days, pal.
"Ok" I sighed
"Lazy!" Alun seemed to spit the word out.
"Goodnight, Alun" I took deep breaths.
"Just so fucking lazy all the time" Al repeated.
"Alright. I heard you the first time" but now, my heart was starting to ache as much as my left arm.
Alun...thinks I'm lazy?
"So unbelievably LAZY" Alun said again - forcefully.
Okay, this was starting to hurt a lot now.
"Enough, Gorg" I warned.
"LAZY" Alun said again. Firmly.
"I'm going to get a glass of water" I pushed the bedcovers back and tears sprung to my eyes as I got out of bed.
"Pfft. Too lazy to get anything these days" Alun grumbled; but loud enough for me to hear and he knew it.
I filled a glass with water and stood by the sink, sipping it slowly and trying to calm down.
I know it was just a silly word. Alun was suffering and was lashing out at me.
Let it go, JD. Let it go.
But with my tough week of work and my body hurting badly, this just pushed me too far.
I went back to bed. By the time I got there, I'd progressed from really hurt - to pissed.
"Really angry with you" I said.
Alun didn't say anything.
"Did you hear me?" now it was me who was raising my voice.
Alun didn't say anything, but gently took my hand in his.
I pulled my hand away, angry.
"I work very f**king hard and I work even though I'm injured and it physically hurts me. I come home and I do my share of the housework, too. How am I lazy, Alun? How?"
Alun must have had time to calm down because now he was gentle "I'm sorry, Gorg. Really I am. You're not lazy"
"I'm really not. I work just as hard as you do and I never complain" I was crying now. The stress of work and injury and thinking my husband was against me was overwhelming me.
"I'm sorry, I love you Gorg" Alun put his arm around me.
Shifting my body to accommodate Alun's arm hurt terribly and I cried out in pain.
"Sorry" Alun offered again.
"Nevermind" I snapped, moving away. My whole body felt like it was sunburnt and bruised at the same time.
Annoyingly for me, I laid awake for hours last night, crying...whereas Alun was asleep in seconds, snoring because he'd fallen asleep on his back.
I went to work today without kissing Alun goodbye.
He was still asleep and didn't notice.
My heart ached all day. Every minute with Alun's voice in my head "lazy...lazy...lazy"
In my sensitive state, "lazy" became "ugly" and "unloveable" and as the minutes ticked by, I was in an awful state, convinced my husband hated me and was sick of looking at me.
I usually text Alun about 20 times a day - just telling him random thoughts and feelings and checking on how he is and how his day was. I didn't text once today. Alun texted "Morning, Gorg" but then didn't text again.
That upset me, too. He wasn't going to try more than once to reach out to me?
I guess when I'm upset, everything gets to me.
By the time it was 1:30pm and I was waiting for the bus to my Physio appointment, I was a wreck.
I was crying at the bus stop and I didn't care if anyone saw. I felt so miserable and so completely alone.
If Alun and I aren't going to lift each other up and speak lovingly to each other - then what is the point?
"Lazy" Alun's voice echoed in my head, bounced around in the walls of my heart and ached more than anything I've felt before.
"Lazy...lazy...lazy"
But I work so hard, Alun. I try so hard.
"lazy...lazy...so unbelievably lazy..."
Oh Alun. This is killing me. You really think this about me?
As I wiped yet another tear away, an elderly lady approached me. She smiled kindly at me and stood close.
"You are so emotional, darling" She frowned and gently patted my arm. She had a strong Russian accent so "darling" sounded like "dah-link"
I nodded and smiled as I accepted the tissue she offered.
"Problems at work - or at home?" she asked gently
"Home" I sniffed, blowing loudly into the tissue.
"Family - they break our hearts, yes?"
I nodded again.
"What happened?" she asked
I gave a wry smile "my husband"
A picture of Alun's face came immediately to mind and I cried more.
"Ah" she smiled and nodded "I understand. I tell you what you should do, you should kick that asshole (sounded like "azz-holt" when she said it) to the curb, darling. Get rid of him. Go. Live your life. You are young, you can start again"
Feeling fed up and sorry for myself, I entertained the idea of sleeping at my Mom's that night and making Alun worry. Yeah. That'll show him.
"What was he doing to you?" The lady leaned in and seemed to be searching my face for something "Did he...beat you?"
I stopped crying.
Did he beat me?
"Because my husband of 27 years was a f**king asshole and he hurt me and hurt my son and I finally had the courage to leave him. Now my son and myself - we are so much happier"
Oh.
"Don't let him beat you, little one" she patted my arm again "Get rid of him"
Instant flashback to yesterday when Alun was waiting outside - even though it was raining - for me to come home and greeted me with a big smile at our front gate.
"Men that hit women, they are lower than pigs, no?"
Flashback to yesterday when Alun smiled up at me from bending down to take off my shoes for me while asking about my day.
"I was black and blue, you know - I don't want that type of life for you - such a young girl"
Flashback to Alun proudly showing me the soup he made especially for me "filled with nutrients because you only eat cookies" he'd laughed and nudged me playfully.
Oh.
In the distance, I saw my bus approaching.
I gently squeezed the lady's hand in appreciation "You have been so kind to me. That's my bus" I pointed behind her "I have to go"
She patted my cheek softly "Get rid of him"
But now, I felt so incredibly ashamed for crying over nothing.
I have come home today and even though it hurt me so much physically to do it, I have cleaned the house top to bottom.
Guilt, I guess. Our house is spotless right now.
My phone rang as I was putting fresh bedsheets on our bed.
"Gorg" Alun's worried voice "I'm at work but I can't work. I can't think. I can't rest. I'm so sorry I hurt you, darling. You are not lazy. You work just as much as I do. You do so much for the both of us. I'm really sorry"
"I'm sorry too" I replied
I heard Alun's sigh of relief.
"You mean the world to me. I love you, Janet"
"I love you, too"
I'm actually pretty freaking blessed to have Alun in my life.
I thought again of that Russian lady. Her dyed blonde hair, rosey pink cheeks and kind smile. I thought of how much she must have been through and that she still extended kindness to a strange girl crying at the bus stop.
I saw my boots in the corner of the living room and remembered again how Alun had taken them off my feet for me.
"How was your day, Gorg?" his voice echoed in my head. In my heart.
I will give Al a big hug when he comes home tonight.
I will thank God for my happy, blessed life.
Perspective.
So every 2nd of August - and leading up to it, I pray for Alun. I am extremely loving and patient and I let a lot of things slide.
But this year, I am struggling, too. I have something called "a trapped nerve" in my spine which makes my entire body hurt. Badly. I haven't experienced pain like this - this relentless and awful - in a very long time. I can't escape it. I can't sit or stand or lay down without being in pain. My whole body aches. Mostly all down my left arm for some insane reason. It feels constantly like someone is twisting it. These last few months, work for me is getting tougher and tougher with a lot of new staff and they are very demanding. The team on the floor above where I sit is especially petty and lets call them..."Lindsay" and "Kathy" are incredibly hard on me. Especially when they are together - which is almost always. It's bordering on bullying and I'm starting to hate having to go up there.
So when I came home from a full day of work yesterday and my entire body was aching, I had all but forgotten about Alun's grief and just wanted to go to bed.
That evening in bed, Alun was in a bad mood.
"You're lazy, Janet"
Huh?
"You heard, bird turd" Alun stated.
Bird Turd?
We don't speak to each other like this. Not ever.
"Excuse me?" I asked - hoping Alun would apologise and just go to sleep.
"I SAID...YOU ARE LAZY" Alun almost shouted.
Lazy?
I've just worked a full week of 8 hour days, pal.
"Ok" I sighed
"Lazy!" Alun seemed to spit the word out.
"Goodnight, Alun" I took deep breaths.
"Just so fucking lazy all the time" Al repeated.
"Alright. I heard you the first time" but now, my heart was starting to ache as much as my left arm.
Alun...thinks I'm lazy?
"So unbelievably LAZY" Alun said again - forcefully.
Okay, this was starting to hurt a lot now.
"Enough, Gorg" I warned.
"LAZY" Alun said again. Firmly.
"I'm going to get a glass of water" I pushed the bedcovers back and tears sprung to my eyes as I got out of bed.
"Pfft. Too lazy to get anything these days" Alun grumbled; but loud enough for me to hear and he knew it.
I filled a glass with water and stood by the sink, sipping it slowly and trying to calm down.
I know it was just a silly word. Alun was suffering and was lashing out at me.
Let it go, JD. Let it go.
But with my tough week of work and my body hurting badly, this just pushed me too far.
I went back to bed. By the time I got there, I'd progressed from really hurt - to pissed.
"Really angry with you" I said.
Alun didn't say anything.
"Did you hear me?" now it was me who was raising my voice.
Alun didn't say anything, but gently took my hand in his.
I pulled my hand away, angry.
"I work very f**king hard and I work even though I'm injured and it physically hurts me. I come home and I do my share of the housework, too. How am I lazy, Alun? How?"
Alun must have had time to calm down because now he was gentle "I'm sorry, Gorg. Really I am. You're not lazy"
"I'm really not. I work just as hard as you do and I never complain" I was crying now. The stress of work and injury and thinking my husband was against me was overwhelming me.
"I'm sorry, I love you Gorg" Alun put his arm around me.
Shifting my body to accommodate Alun's arm hurt terribly and I cried out in pain.
"Sorry" Alun offered again.
"Nevermind" I snapped, moving away. My whole body felt like it was sunburnt and bruised at the same time.
Annoyingly for me, I laid awake for hours last night, crying...whereas Alun was asleep in seconds, snoring because he'd fallen asleep on his back.
I went to work today without kissing Alun goodbye.
He was still asleep and didn't notice.
My heart ached all day. Every minute with Alun's voice in my head "lazy...lazy...lazy"
In my sensitive state, "lazy" became "ugly" and "unloveable" and as the minutes ticked by, I was in an awful state, convinced my husband hated me and was sick of looking at me.
I usually text Alun about 20 times a day - just telling him random thoughts and feelings and checking on how he is and how his day was. I didn't text once today. Alun texted "Morning, Gorg" but then didn't text again.
That upset me, too. He wasn't going to try more than once to reach out to me?
I guess when I'm upset, everything gets to me.
By the time it was 1:30pm and I was waiting for the bus to my Physio appointment, I was a wreck.
I was crying at the bus stop and I didn't care if anyone saw. I felt so miserable and so completely alone.
If Alun and I aren't going to lift each other up and speak lovingly to each other - then what is the point?
"Lazy" Alun's voice echoed in my head, bounced around in the walls of my heart and ached more than anything I've felt before.
"Lazy...lazy...lazy"
But I work so hard, Alun. I try so hard.
"lazy...lazy...so unbelievably lazy..."
Oh Alun. This is killing me. You really think this about me?
As I wiped yet another tear away, an elderly lady approached me. She smiled kindly at me and stood close.
"You are so emotional, darling" She frowned and gently patted my arm. She had a strong Russian accent so "darling" sounded like "dah-link"
I nodded and smiled as I accepted the tissue she offered.
"Problems at work - or at home?" she asked gently
"Home" I sniffed, blowing loudly into the tissue.
"Family - they break our hearts, yes?"
I nodded again.
"What happened?" she asked
I gave a wry smile "my husband"
A picture of Alun's face came immediately to mind and I cried more.
"Ah" she smiled and nodded "I understand. I tell you what you should do, you should kick that asshole (sounded like "azz-holt" when she said it) to the curb, darling. Get rid of him. Go. Live your life. You are young, you can start again"
Feeling fed up and sorry for myself, I entertained the idea of sleeping at my Mom's that night and making Alun worry. Yeah. That'll show him.
"What was he doing to you?" The lady leaned in and seemed to be searching my face for something "Did he...beat you?"
I stopped crying.
Did he beat me?
"Because my husband of 27 years was a f**king asshole and he hurt me and hurt my son and I finally had the courage to leave him. Now my son and myself - we are so much happier"
Oh.
"Don't let him beat you, little one" she patted my arm again "Get rid of him"
Instant flashback to yesterday when Alun was waiting outside - even though it was raining - for me to come home and greeted me with a big smile at our front gate.
"Men that hit women, they are lower than pigs, no?"
Flashback to yesterday when Alun smiled up at me from bending down to take off my shoes for me while asking about my day.
"I was black and blue, you know - I don't want that type of life for you - such a young girl"
Flashback to Alun proudly showing me the soup he made especially for me "filled with nutrients because you only eat cookies" he'd laughed and nudged me playfully.
Oh.
In the distance, I saw my bus approaching.
I gently squeezed the lady's hand in appreciation "You have been so kind to me. That's my bus" I pointed behind her "I have to go"
She patted my cheek softly "Get rid of him"
But now, I felt so incredibly ashamed for crying over nothing.
I have come home today and even though it hurt me so much physically to do it, I have cleaned the house top to bottom.
Guilt, I guess. Our house is spotless right now.
My phone rang as I was putting fresh bedsheets on our bed.
"Gorg" Alun's worried voice "I'm at work but I can't work. I can't think. I can't rest. I'm so sorry I hurt you, darling. You are not lazy. You work just as much as I do. You do so much for the both of us. I'm really sorry"
"I'm sorry too" I replied
I heard Alun's sigh of relief.
"You mean the world to me. I love you, Janet"
"I love you, too"
I'm actually pretty freaking blessed to have Alun in my life.
I thought again of that Russian lady. Her dyed blonde hair, rosey pink cheeks and kind smile. I thought of how much she must have been through and that she still extended kindness to a strange girl crying at the bus stop.
I saw my boots in the corner of the living room and remembered again how Alun had taken them off my feet for me.
"How was your day, Gorg?" his voice echoed in my head. In my heart.
I will give Al a big hug when he comes home tonight.
I will thank God for my happy, blessed life.
Perspective.
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