Im at another crossroads.
Im starting to think life is made up of them, you know.
I spoke to a friend recently who thinks life is made up of lines. We are each lines...criss crossing and linking and sometimes running alongside one another. Sometimes we 'cross' each other's paths in lines and sometimes the lines are crazy. Sometimes lines in our lives can jump the page and be off somewhere we didnt even think of or could ever dream of.
I know today that I miss Jon. I can be busy and hectic and feeling on top of the world, but nights like tonight when the temperature drops and my feet are cold...I miss him. I miss that Jon would always rub my feet for me or turn on the hairdryer and make the bedcovers warm...or get my hot water bottle...or even just smile at me and say "awww" and everything...EVERYTHING would seem so much better. How did he do that? I dont know and I miss it. I really do.
Im dating like a crazy person right now...trying to fill the HUGE hole in my heart that is there and its not working and im frustrated and angry and tired and SICK and wondering if I will EVER feel better again. Ever?
I just think Im doing it wrong. Something is terribly wrong with me and I dont know what it is so im forging ahead, hoping that 'fake it til you make it' will work in my life right now. I cant remember the last time I felt at peace. I cant remember the last time I smiled because I was truly happy. I laugh alot more now...but mostly for the relief of laughing instead of crying. OMG i hate this.
In this Easter weekend, I havent read my Bible once. I have instead been dating guys. I met up with that Irish guy...whose name was ALSO Paul and I told him I was NOT going to kiss him....and regretted it a bit because he turned out to be one of the HOTTEST guys I have seen in a long time. He dressed so well and smelled amazing *sighs* and was so comfortable in his own skin...ohhhhh...it was tantalising. But I didnt go down that same ugly route and instead we sat on a park bench and talked. The next day we 'fell out' because he was being a jerk, so I have had to cross him off my 'potentials' list and started again. I met a guy called "Rah" for dinner (cool name, hey?) and then met a guy called "Justin" for breakfast today and I thought I'd feel better just putting myself out there but I dont. I feel more empty than when I started.
I feel like ive started to unravel a huge ball of wool...but Im getting caught up and tangled and probably should have left it well alone before.
It's Easter....time for God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit...and families...and I've avoided them all. Jay and Bex came over to see Mom and I didnt want to be here...I didnt want to deal with it so met with Rah in the city for coffee instead. I dont even like coffee!!!
WHAT am I DOING???
The more I chase this crazy dating scene...the farther away I get from God and I cant hear him anymore. Or I am being overly dramatic about this?
I dont know. I dont know anymore WHAT I want.
The week ahead is busy. I have P.T at the gym, days of work and then on Thursday a huge 5 hour medical exam for my old noggin. Doctors are going to test me on a wide range of things, they said I should be prepared for speaking, drawing, explaining, memorising and comprehension and Im scared but up for the challenge, I guess.
I keep reminding myself to stop running ahead and to just SLOW DOWN and take one step at a time...but my 33rd birthday is in 10 days and scares me. Im going to be a year older and will have done NOTHING yet with my life but make a huge mess.
AAARGH.
I have to STOP but im going so fast right now, I dont know how xx
Im starting to think life is made up of them, you know.
I spoke to a friend recently who thinks life is made up of lines. We are each lines...criss crossing and linking and sometimes running alongside one another. Sometimes we 'cross' each other's paths in lines and sometimes the lines are crazy. Sometimes lines in our lives can jump the page and be off somewhere we didnt even think of or could ever dream of.
I know today that I miss Jon. I can be busy and hectic and feeling on top of the world, but nights like tonight when the temperature drops and my feet are cold...I miss him. I miss that Jon would always rub my feet for me or turn on the hairdryer and make the bedcovers warm...or get my hot water bottle...or even just smile at me and say "awww" and everything...EVERYTHING would seem so much better. How did he do that? I dont know and I miss it. I really do.
Im dating like a crazy person right now...trying to fill the HUGE hole in my heart that is there and its not working and im frustrated and angry and tired and SICK and wondering if I will EVER feel better again. Ever?
I just think Im doing it wrong. Something is terribly wrong with me and I dont know what it is so im forging ahead, hoping that 'fake it til you make it' will work in my life right now. I cant remember the last time I felt at peace. I cant remember the last time I smiled because I was truly happy. I laugh alot more now...but mostly for the relief of laughing instead of crying. OMG i hate this.
In this Easter weekend, I havent read my Bible once. I have instead been dating guys. I met up with that Irish guy...whose name was ALSO Paul and I told him I was NOT going to kiss him....and regretted it a bit because he turned out to be one of the HOTTEST guys I have seen in a long time. He dressed so well and smelled amazing *sighs* and was so comfortable in his own skin...ohhhhh...it was tantalising. But I didnt go down that same ugly route and instead we sat on a park bench and talked. The next day we 'fell out' because he was being a jerk, so I have had to cross him off my 'potentials' list and started again. I met a guy called "Rah" for dinner (cool name, hey?) and then met a guy called "Justin" for breakfast today and I thought I'd feel better just putting myself out there but I dont. I feel more empty than when I started.
I feel like ive started to unravel a huge ball of wool...but Im getting caught up and tangled and probably should have left it well alone before.
It's Easter....time for God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit...and families...and I've avoided them all. Jay and Bex came over to see Mom and I didnt want to be here...I didnt want to deal with it so met with Rah in the city for coffee instead. I dont even like coffee!!!
WHAT am I DOING???
The more I chase this crazy dating scene...the farther away I get from God and I cant hear him anymore. Or I am being overly dramatic about this?
I dont know. I dont know anymore WHAT I want.
The week ahead is busy. I have P.T at the gym, days of work and then on Thursday a huge 5 hour medical exam for my old noggin. Doctors are going to test me on a wide range of things, they said I should be prepared for speaking, drawing, explaining, memorising and comprehension and Im scared but up for the challenge, I guess.
I keep reminding myself to stop running ahead and to just SLOW DOWN and take one step at a time...but my 33rd birthday is in 10 days and scares me. Im going to be a year older and will have done NOTHING yet with my life but make a huge mess.
AAARGH.
I have to STOP but im going so fast right now, I dont know how xx
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