Father God, Its been awhile.
I have you on my heart and in my life but I havent talked to you lately because I feel so far from you. Im having so much fun these days...that Im scared if I DO talk to you, you'll tell me to "stop" and right now, I dont want to. Im having a great time, God. I imagine you as a parent at a day's end calling their little ones in from playing...and Im having too much fun playing right now and want to plead "just 5 more minutes, Dad? ok?"
I love you, Lord God. You know that, right?
I find it hard to pray right now. I close my eyes and try to talk to you, but nothing happens. I get distracted by the wind, the rain, the sunshine, the voices of people walking past outside...anything and everything seems louder right now than your gentle and quiet voice...so I thought I'd blog instead...and hope you are online right now. (Do you even USE a computer, God? I bet you do. I bet it's an apple and I bet your ipod songlist is AMAZING).
I wanted to thank you, God.
I wanted to thank you:
* for being there...especially nowadays when I totally dont deserve it
* for watching over me on my crazy-ass dates. I read/hear about these women that have been raped, abused and hurt and killed and yet every single one of my dates has been safe, fun (even if a little weird or monotonous at times) and really interesting. Im learning more now about boys than I ever would have. This is awesome.
* for keeping me warm. Its so cold and dark and wet outside and yet I am warm, dry and safe at Mom's house. Thank you so much.
* for my family. They are NUTS and they drive me crazy, but I love them and I think they love me too - and for that Im really grateful
* for my INCREDIBLE friends. Everytime even ONE of them comes to mind, I am bowled over by how amazing they are. Friends are the family you choose for yourself and I have chosen the BEST of the BEST. Seriously.
* for Brenna's and Adam's emails this week. They were nectar from heaven and I really needed them. I love Brenna and Adam so very much.
* for J's email and that he is well. This is such a great blessing. Lord God...where do I even BEGIN to thank you for J? You know my heart, God...I leave this divorce with you.
* that I can sit cross legged and sleep on my side. For such a long time I couldnt do either and it nearly drove me mad. Thank you so much.
* thank you for the Ambroses and the room they made JUST FOR ME. Woah.
* for Gary. Travelling Gary and his huge brown eyes. He's pretty amazing, Lord God. You did a good job on that guy.
* For Mike. Hmph.
* For P. How anyone could have a voice that makes you feel like his voice makes me feel leaves NO QUESTION that you are God.
I wish I could talk to you, God. I wish I could chatter away to you the way I used to but when I close my eyes...knowing that I've slept with 2 guys in the last few months bothers me enough. Its like approaching a royal throne with dogpoo on your shoe. Cant do it. Cant face you when I know Ive broken your heart so much in the last few months.
Why is 'sinning' so much fun, God? Why does having sex make me feel so much BETTER than being turned away from my husband and doing the 'right' thing?
*sighs sadly*
No matter what, God...Im grateful and I havent forgotten you. How could I? You really are my whole world.
I hope you read this, God. I hope you read this and can know whats between the lines. I hope you can hear my heart in this, God. I hope you can see how scared I am as well.
I picture that even at 33 years of age, I can still crawl into your HUGE lap and bury my head in your holy gown and just feel safe, you know?
I love you, God. Im a tool and Im losing my way a bit just now...but it doesnt change the FACT that YOU ARE.
I know that. I always will.
Goodnight God. See you tomorrow! I cant wait to see what life has in store xx
I have you on my heart and in my life but I havent talked to you lately because I feel so far from you. Im having so much fun these days...that Im scared if I DO talk to you, you'll tell me to "stop" and right now, I dont want to. Im having a great time, God. I imagine you as a parent at a day's end calling their little ones in from playing...and Im having too much fun playing right now and want to plead "just 5 more minutes, Dad? ok?"
I love you, Lord God. You know that, right?
I find it hard to pray right now. I close my eyes and try to talk to you, but nothing happens. I get distracted by the wind, the rain, the sunshine, the voices of people walking past outside...anything and everything seems louder right now than your gentle and quiet voice...so I thought I'd blog instead...and hope you are online right now. (Do you even USE a computer, God? I bet you do. I bet it's an apple and I bet your ipod songlist is AMAZING).
I wanted to thank you, God.
I wanted to thank you:
* for being there...especially nowadays when I totally dont deserve it
* for watching over me on my crazy-ass dates. I read/hear about these women that have been raped, abused and hurt and killed and yet every single one of my dates has been safe, fun (even if a little weird or monotonous at times) and really interesting. Im learning more now about boys than I ever would have. This is awesome.
* for keeping me warm. Its so cold and dark and wet outside and yet I am warm, dry and safe at Mom's house. Thank you so much.
* for my family. They are NUTS and they drive me crazy, but I love them and I think they love me too - and for that Im really grateful
* for my INCREDIBLE friends. Everytime even ONE of them comes to mind, I am bowled over by how amazing they are. Friends are the family you choose for yourself and I have chosen the BEST of the BEST. Seriously.
* for Brenna's and Adam's emails this week. They were nectar from heaven and I really needed them. I love Brenna and Adam so very much.
* for J's email and that he is well. This is such a great blessing. Lord God...where do I even BEGIN to thank you for J? You know my heart, God...I leave this divorce with you.
* that I can sit cross legged and sleep on my side. For such a long time I couldnt do either and it nearly drove me mad. Thank you so much.
* thank you for the Ambroses and the room they made JUST FOR ME. Woah.
* for Gary. Travelling Gary and his huge brown eyes. He's pretty amazing, Lord God. You did a good job on that guy.
* For Mike. Hmph.
* For P. How anyone could have a voice that makes you feel like his voice makes me feel leaves NO QUESTION that you are God.
I wish I could talk to you, God. I wish I could chatter away to you the way I used to but when I close my eyes...knowing that I've slept with 2 guys in the last few months bothers me enough. Its like approaching a royal throne with dogpoo on your shoe. Cant do it. Cant face you when I know Ive broken your heart so much in the last few months.
Why is 'sinning' so much fun, God? Why does having sex make me feel so much BETTER than being turned away from my husband and doing the 'right' thing?
*sighs sadly*
No matter what, God...Im grateful and I havent forgotten you. How could I? You really are my whole world.
I hope you read this, God. I hope you read this and can know whats between the lines. I hope you can hear my heart in this, God. I hope you can see how scared I am as well.
I picture that even at 33 years of age, I can still crawl into your HUGE lap and bury my head in your holy gown and just feel safe, you know?
I love you, God. Im a tool and Im losing my way a bit just now...but it doesnt change the FACT that YOU ARE.
I know that. I always will.
Goodnight God. See you tomorrow! I cant wait to see what life has in store xx
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