Because I'm moving on from my family today - so I'm 4 down. I won't have my Mom, Dad, brother or his horrible, fake, two-faced fiance in my life anymore.
But 10 up because in terms of health, happiness and well-being, my life is only going to get better from here.
5 hours ago:
I was mulching some new capsicum plants I'd put into large pots in our back garden. I had also just recently potted some really pretty marigolds around the herb garden. I read somewhere they are a natural repellant to pests. I didn't realise they were also really, really pretty. They shine their little flower faces in reds, oranges, yellows and all the colours in between...they're gorgeous and brighten up the green herb garden in such a beautiful way.
I needed a break (yes, I'm getting old and my back hurts now after only a few hours of gardening - can you believe it?) so I came inside to look at Alun as he slept. He's on nightshift for another week yet and was fast asleep on the couch. I can't help but kiss his face, he's just so handsome. I do it softly so it won't wake him.
As I was bending down to plant a kiss on his cheek, my phone rang.
Mom's name flashed up on my screen.
I quickly lowered the volume on my phone and raced outside so the ringing wouldn't wake Alun, smiling as I thought of my Mom, I swiped across on my phone to 'answer'.
"Hi, how are you, Mrs Thomas?" Mom was giggling and already pressing buttons.
Sigh.
"Yeah I'm doing fine" I answered, easing myself into a garden chair and smiling as the wind made the newly potted marigolds dance from side to side.
They're so cute.
"I'm calling to ask if you wanted to come with me in a taxi to Kate's party on Monday night. I don't know if Alun is dropping you off or if you're going together...but if Alun's working - you can come with me, we can hold hands on the way!"
Wait. What?
"Kate's party?" I asked, frowning.
"Her birthday party" Mom repeated "You've forgotten already?"
I haven't forgotten, Mom. I WASN'T INVITED.
"I didn't know about the party" I said into the phone, trembling.
I could feel my palms sweating and my heart racing. I felt cold even though it was a lovely summer's day outside.
Mom laughed "of COURSE you did. Jay and Kate would have told you months ago - that's when they told me. They called in the week to remind me, too - so do you want to catch a taxi with me and we'll split the bill?"
"Uh no Mom, I don't"
"WHAT?!?" Mom instantly went to angry and defensive "Why not?"
"Mom - Jay and I aren't talking right now and we both just need some space from each other for a bit"
"But - that was last week!" Mom sounded appalled that we weren't best friends already.
"It's still very raw" I tried to explain, exhaling as I did so. Just breathe, JD...just breathe.
"Don't be stupid - just come with me to the party" Mom said. This was a demand, now. It wasn't a suggestion anymore.
The word "stupid" got my goat.
No no no.
"Mom - I know you won't understand this because Jay and I have never had a fight before, but we had a pretty big disagreement and we both need some space right now"
"So you're not coming? That's just stupid!!!" Mom shouted. I had to hold the phone away from my face.
"It's not that I'm refusing to come, Mom - I wasn't even -" I wanted to say "invited in the first place" but Mom cut me off.
"I've heard enough. You need to tell me what the fuck is going on"
I took more deep breaths; "Mom - I'd rather keep this between my brother and I" I said. I actually am proud of myself for saying that and for not trying to get Mom to pick sides.
"Well that's just bullshit!!!" Mom shouted (sorry for all this swearing - but this is what really happened) "I'm not just a stranger off the street - I'm your Mother and I DEMAND to know what you did to your brother"
What I did to him?!?
OH NO YOU DIDN'T.
"Mom" I took another breath "It's not what I did to him...it's" (I wanted to say it was a disagreement that's been festering for a long time. I wanted to explain that in time, we'd both be okay - it was just too soon to expect us to be 'jolly friends' when it had only been a little while since the argument had happened).
But again, Mom interrupted.
"What can I do to make you friends again?"
"Mom - it's not for you to fix...it's between Jay and I and in time -"
"You fix it. NOW" Mom was really, really angry.
Why is it up to me to fix it?!?
"Mom, you don't know the full story so I'd appreciate if you -"
"NO!" Mom shouted "You need to fix whatever you've done. Listen..." I could hear her sigh. I could hear her trying to calm herself down.
I, on the other hand, was SO ANGRY. I need to fix what I've done?!? What?!?
And then it happened - the straw that broke the camel's back:
"Janet" Mom said slowly, patiently - as if she was talking to a small child "You need to think of a way to make Jason happy again. I will help you. It's very important that we just make him happy, ok? He's my baby"
I saw RED.
My heart also broke into a million pieces.
"He's my baby" echoed around and around in my head.
Am I not your baby, too?
39 years of pain, abandonment, hurt, fear, shame and knowing each and every day that HE was the favourite and I was an INCONVENIENCE converged in that phone call.
A deep, dark voice was laughing in my head "Hahaha...you idiot. You don't matter to your parents. You don't matter to your brother. YOU ARE COMPLETELY WORTHLESS" the voice said. It continued: "These people are the VERY people that are naturally meant to care about you and they don't even like you. YOU ARE PATHETIC"
Is that...true?
"Mom. Listen to me now" I said in a voice so firm, I surprised myself.
The line was quiet.
"In 39 years, you have NEVER heard of a disagreement between myself and my brother. That's a pretty astounding thing between ANY siblings. This is why - it's because I always give in. I always apologise. I always kiss Jay's feet and bend over backwards, doing anything I have to do when I ask humbly for him to like me and include me in his life. I'm the one who calls and texts and tries to maintain a relationship with someone with his head so far up his own ass that he's not aware of anyone else unless he wants something from them. Well that stops NOW, Mom. It stops today. Jay has hurt me in ways that have buckled me to my knees and you have the nerve to tell ME to make HIM happy? You've not once asked for my side in this or even tried to think that maybe JAY is in the wrong. Do you understand how truly unfair and hurtful that is? Do you have any idea? Well I'm sick of it. It's been 39 long years, Mom - and the ONE TIME I stand my ground, you immediately assume I'm in the wrong and ask me to make it right. Well it's not happening. Not today. NOT EVER AGAIN!!!"
I shouted the last few sentences with all my might.
I was surprised at that.
I hadn't meant to.
I hit "end call" on my phone.
I burst into tears and shook for what seemed like hours.
A lifetime of shame encircled me and threatened to squeeze the very life from me.
I feel abandoned.
I feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy.
Mom didn't call me back. Dad hasn't rung.
It would have meant the world to me if either one of them had called to see if I was okay.
But they haven't in the past and I shouldn't expect it in the future.
But yet I hope.
I bet my life they've both spoken to Jay - to comfort him and remind him that he's loved and not alone.
I have GOT to stop doing this to myself.
As much as I desperately want to be part of this family - they don't want to be part of me and 39 years of very strong examples where they have abandoned me should have taught me that it's not going to change.
I need to change.
I can't control them...but I can control my own behaviour.
And from today, I'm not going to bow and scrape anymore. I'm cutting myself off from the hurt and pain and it makes me so deeply sad that I have to do this, but that's the thing - I HAVE TO DO THIS.
Otherwise I'll be 80 years old and still racing around trying to get approval and love from people who just won't give it.
Life's too short.
It really is.
I'm moving on. I have a loving husband and friends that have been family to me when my family haven't been there for me.
I can't keep going the way I have because it WILL kill me.
But 10 up because in terms of health, happiness and well-being, my life is only going to get better from here.
5 hours ago:
I was mulching some new capsicum plants I'd put into large pots in our back garden. I had also just recently potted some really pretty marigolds around the herb garden. I read somewhere they are a natural repellant to pests. I didn't realise they were also really, really pretty. They shine their little flower faces in reds, oranges, yellows and all the colours in between...they're gorgeous and brighten up the green herb garden in such a beautiful way.
I needed a break (yes, I'm getting old and my back hurts now after only a few hours of gardening - can you believe it?) so I came inside to look at Alun as he slept. He's on nightshift for another week yet and was fast asleep on the couch. I can't help but kiss his face, he's just so handsome. I do it softly so it won't wake him.
As I was bending down to plant a kiss on his cheek, my phone rang.
Mom's name flashed up on my screen.
I quickly lowered the volume on my phone and raced outside so the ringing wouldn't wake Alun, smiling as I thought of my Mom, I swiped across on my phone to 'answer'.
"Hi, how are you, Mrs Thomas?" Mom was giggling and already pressing buttons.
Sigh.
"Yeah I'm doing fine" I answered, easing myself into a garden chair and smiling as the wind made the newly potted marigolds dance from side to side.
They're so cute.
"I'm calling to ask if you wanted to come with me in a taxi to Kate's party on Monday night. I don't know if Alun is dropping you off or if you're going together...but if Alun's working - you can come with me, we can hold hands on the way!"
Wait. What?
"Kate's party?" I asked, frowning.
"Her birthday party" Mom repeated "You've forgotten already?"
I haven't forgotten, Mom. I WASN'T INVITED.
"I didn't know about the party" I said into the phone, trembling.
I could feel my palms sweating and my heart racing. I felt cold even though it was a lovely summer's day outside.
Mom laughed "of COURSE you did. Jay and Kate would have told you months ago - that's when they told me. They called in the week to remind me, too - so do you want to catch a taxi with me and we'll split the bill?"
"Uh no Mom, I don't"
"WHAT?!?" Mom instantly went to angry and defensive "Why not?"
"Mom - Jay and I aren't talking right now and we both just need some space from each other for a bit"
"But - that was last week!" Mom sounded appalled that we weren't best friends already.
"It's still very raw" I tried to explain, exhaling as I did so. Just breathe, JD...just breathe.
"Don't be stupid - just come with me to the party" Mom said. This was a demand, now. It wasn't a suggestion anymore.
The word "stupid" got my goat.
No no no.
"Mom - I know you won't understand this because Jay and I have never had a fight before, but we had a pretty big disagreement and we both need some space right now"
"So you're not coming? That's just stupid!!!" Mom shouted. I had to hold the phone away from my face.
"It's not that I'm refusing to come, Mom - I wasn't even -" I wanted to say "invited in the first place" but Mom cut me off.
"I've heard enough. You need to tell me what the fuck is going on"
I took more deep breaths; "Mom - I'd rather keep this between my brother and I" I said. I actually am proud of myself for saying that and for not trying to get Mom to pick sides.
"Well that's just bullshit!!!" Mom shouted (sorry for all this swearing - but this is what really happened) "I'm not just a stranger off the street - I'm your Mother and I DEMAND to know what you did to your brother"
What I did to him?!?
OH NO YOU DIDN'T.
"Mom" I took another breath "It's not what I did to him...it's" (I wanted to say it was a disagreement that's been festering for a long time. I wanted to explain that in time, we'd both be okay - it was just too soon to expect us to be 'jolly friends' when it had only been a little while since the argument had happened).
But again, Mom interrupted.
"What can I do to make you friends again?"
"Mom - it's not for you to fix...it's between Jay and I and in time -"
"You fix it. NOW" Mom was really, really angry.
Why is it up to me to fix it?!?
"Mom, you don't know the full story so I'd appreciate if you -"
"NO!" Mom shouted "You need to fix whatever you've done. Listen..." I could hear her sigh. I could hear her trying to calm herself down.
I, on the other hand, was SO ANGRY. I need to fix what I've done?!? What?!?
And then it happened - the straw that broke the camel's back:
"Janet" Mom said slowly, patiently - as if she was talking to a small child "You need to think of a way to make Jason happy again. I will help you. It's very important that we just make him happy, ok? He's my baby"
I saw RED.
My heart also broke into a million pieces.
"He's my baby" echoed around and around in my head.
Am I not your baby, too?
39 years of pain, abandonment, hurt, fear, shame and knowing each and every day that HE was the favourite and I was an INCONVENIENCE converged in that phone call.
A deep, dark voice was laughing in my head "Hahaha...you idiot. You don't matter to your parents. You don't matter to your brother. YOU ARE COMPLETELY WORTHLESS" the voice said. It continued: "These people are the VERY people that are naturally meant to care about you and they don't even like you. YOU ARE PATHETIC"
Is that...true?
"Mom. Listen to me now" I said in a voice so firm, I surprised myself.
The line was quiet.
"In 39 years, you have NEVER heard of a disagreement between myself and my brother. That's a pretty astounding thing between ANY siblings. This is why - it's because I always give in. I always apologise. I always kiss Jay's feet and bend over backwards, doing anything I have to do when I ask humbly for him to like me and include me in his life. I'm the one who calls and texts and tries to maintain a relationship with someone with his head so far up his own ass that he's not aware of anyone else unless he wants something from them. Well that stops NOW, Mom. It stops today. Jay has hurt me in ways that have buckled me to my knees and you have the nerve to tell ME to make HIM happy? You've not once asked for my side in this or even tried to think that maybe JAY is in the wrong. Do you understand how truly unfair and hurtful that is? Do you have any idea? Well I'm sick of it. It's been 39 long years, Mom - and the ONE TIME I stand my ground, you immediately assume I'm in the wrong and ask me to make it right. Well it's not happening. Not today. NOT EVER AGAIN!!!"
I shouted the last few sentences with all my might.
I was surprised at that.
I hadn't meant to.
I hit "end call" on my phone.
I burst into tears and shook for what seemed like hours.
A lifetime of shame encircled me and threatened to squeeze the very life from me.
I feel abandoned.
I feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy.
Mom didn't call me back. Dad hasn't rung.
It would have meant the world to me if either one of them had called to see if I was okay.
But they haven't in the past and I shouldn't expect it in the future.
But yet I hope.
I bet my life they've both spoken to Jay - to comfort him and remind him that he's loved and not alone.
I have GOT to stop doing this to myself.
As much as I desperately want to be part of this family - they don't want to be part of me and 39 years of very strong examples where they have abandoned me should have taught me that it's not going to change.
I need to change.
I can't control them...but I can control my own behaviour.
And from today, I'm not going to bow and scrape anymore. I'm cutting myself off from the hurt and pain and it makes me so deeply sad that I have to do this, but that's the thing - I HAVE TO DO THIS.
Otherwise I'll be 80 years old and still racing around trying to get approval and love from people who just won't give it.
Life's too short.
It really is.
I'm moving on. I have a loving husband and friends that have been family to me when my family haven't been there for me.
I can't keep going the way I have because it WILL kill me.
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