Hey,
I made an "emergency appointment" with my GP and told her I'm suicidal. She's given me the number of the nearest Private Hospital to my home and said it's a really lovely place. Dr D recommends the staff highly and as I love her and value her opinion, maybe it's a good idea after all?
I also called "George" my psych and have an appointment with him first thing on Thursday morning. Bless him, he's called me too - just to make sure I'm still here.
I've let Alun know, too. I hated worrying him but I wanted him to know because if he was feeling this way, I'd want him to tell me. Alun calls me every hour to check I'm okay. I'm not okay but I'm doing my best to get through this. Alun's home all day tomorrow and Wednesday so I'm looking forward to having him home. I love this man so much.
I might not be important to my family, but I have good people around me.
Logic tells me that I don't need to be suicidal. All I have to do is let go of my family because as it stands right now, I'm just getting more and more upset being around them. Logic reminds me that I have a super team of the BEST people the world can offer as my friends. Logic reminds me that I can pick up my phone and call my closest, dearest friends and say "I'm not coping" and that they'll do everything they can to help me.
But logic isn't as strong as depression, anxiety, self doubt and self hatred right now.
All I can hear in my head is "You're not worth it" "You're a waste of space" "Alun is better off without you" "You will just burden your friends - leave them alone for God's sake" and above it all, louder than all these thoughts, is the thought:
"Your FAMILY are the people that are supposed to naturally love you. What kind of person are you that your family think so little of you?"
It should be simple, really. Let go of the people in my life that make me feel bad. Hang onto those that do, don't hurt myself.
Yet, it doesn't make sense in my head. My thoughts are muddled and dark and I don't know which way is up.
Nothing makes sense in my head right now.
I feel broken. So very broken.
I feel like it will never get better so the race is on...will I outrun this sadness, hopelessness and darkness - or will it catch up with me and consume me?
I made an "emergency appointment" with my GP and told her I'm suicidal. She's given me the number of the nearest Private Hospital to my home and said it's a really lovely place. Dr D recommends the staff highly and as I love her and value her opinion, maybe it's a good idea after all?
I also called "George" my psych and have an appointment with him first thing on Thursday morning. Bless him, he's called me too - just to make sure I'm still here.
I've let Alun know, too. I hated worrying him but I wanted him to know because if he was feeling this way, I'd want him to tell me. Alun calls me every hour to check I'm okay. I'm not okay but I'm doing my best to get through this. Alun's home all day tomorrow and Wednesday so I'm looking forward to having him home. I love this man so much.
I might not be important to my family, but I have good people around me.
Logic tells me that I don't need to be suicidal. All I have to do is let go of my family because as it stands right now, I'm just getting more and more upset being around them. Logic reminds me that I have a super team of the BEST people the world can offer as my friends. Logic reminds me that I can pick up my phone and call my closest, dearest friends and say "I'm not coping" and that they'll do everything they can to help me.
But logic isn't as strong as depression, anxiety, self doubt and self hatred right now.
All I can hear in my head is "You're not worth it" "You're a waste of space" "Alun is better off without you" "You will just burden your friends - leave them alone for God's sake" and above it all, louder than all these thoughts, is the thought:
"Your FAMILY are the people that are supposed to naturally love you. What kind of person are you that your family think so little of you?"
It should be simple, really. Let go of the people in my life that make me feel bad. Hang onto those that do, don't hurt myself.
Yet, it doesn't make sense in my head. My thoughts are muddled and dark and I don't know which way is up.
Nothing makes sense in my head right now.
I feel broken. So very broken.
I feel like it will never get better so the race is on...will I outrun this sadness, hopelessness and darkness - or will it catch up with me and consume me?
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