Oh Lord,
I write long blogs, don't I?
I'm really sorry and I'm so grateful you've stayed alongside me. Even though I waffle a lot.
I didn't go to family dinner on Thursday night. I think I made the right decision.
I went instead on Friday afternoon to go and hang out with my parents.
I could tell from the moment Mom opened her apartment door to me that they were both very, very drunk.
Dad normally gets affected in 2 ways when he's drunk:
1) He becomes a story-teller and wants to talk for hours and hours
2) He becomes really angry and bitter about things that have happened in the past and gets easily angry about anything I say and do at the time, too.
Yesterday, I got see a new version of "drunk Dad"...a very emotional one.
I wasn't sure how to respond to this version because I've not dealt with it much in the past.
Dad held me close and got very teary.
"I'm very proud of you" he said, tears slipping down his face.
Okay.
This is weird.
"I'm very proud of your brother, too. You have both grown and learnt so much and are both doing so well. I thank God that each of you has come out so well and that you've chosen partners on the second time around that are both so good for you. I am so blessed and such a lucky man, you know"
Yep. This is definitely weird.
Then he got into a very drunken 'time loop' and kept saying the same 5 phrases over and over to me - and this lasted 3-4 hours.
"You and your brother need to make peace and get along"
"You need to make things right with him"
"I want to know what's happened - don't leave your Mom and I out of this...Please tell me what's happened"
"When you're ready to - I'd like to know why you're angry with your brother. He's very upset about this and very hurt by whatever message you sent to him"
Because I knew Dad was pretty drunk, I would just murmur politely to each phrase. "Yes, yes...I know", "Yes, I'll talk to you about it all another day" "Yes, some other time, Dad...ok"
And he'd be okay with my answers - nodding away to himself and frowning - then he'd start over again.
I took deep breaths and clenched and unclenched my fists and gave my vague but very polite answers again and again.
Mom was just as drunk and would just nod and quietly repeat the last few words of whatever phrase Dad was re-working into the time looped conversation.
Oh Lord.
It was a long afternoon.
When I got home, I sat in the garden and just cried.
I wonder if I fit into this family at all - did I ever? And if I did - or if I do - what is my place?
Am I valued at all?
Loved?
Does it matter after all this time?
I decided after hours of crying, praying and seeking God - then seeking deep within myself - that it does matter to me.
It does matter where I fit and it especially matters to know if I'm loved.
Life is too short to be messing around.
So, while Alun was at work and my parents were at the Bruce Springsteen concert, I penned out a long email to my Dad.
I explained why I feel the way I feel about my brother. This email spanned the last 10 years of my life with Jay. My fears, my worries, his belittling, his careful and sly insults, my striving to be his best friend, his striving to place me in the 'acquaintance' box...how we butt heads because we honestly see life through very different lenses...I wrote it all down.
I addressed the times I've been there for Jason (when he lived with us, when his dog became mine and Alun's responsibility, whenever he's needed help with something, extra money - you name it, I've been there) and all the times where I've needed him and he's ignored and rejected my calls and not been there for me.
I took a lot of time on one particular section of my email - the part about Jay's wedding and why I'd sent him the email I'd sent him. I assume Jay had already given our parents his version.
And then a thought - a very important one - struck me as I was writing my email to my Dad.
I always thought there were 2 sides in a story - 2 sides in an argument - 2 sides of a coin.
But as I was writing to my Dad and shaking my head; wondering what on earth Jay had said and how he sees things because I'd so love to understand things from my brother's point of view...I had a moment of clarity that there aren't 2 sides in this 'thing' between my brother and I. There aren't just 2 sides to an argument/disagreement/story with any 2 people involved at all.
There are actually 3.
There's Jay's version.
There's MY version.
And there's God's version - the truth of it all at it's core.
I picked up a coin on the table nearby (Alun dumps his coins after every shift and I end up putting them in our "wedding jar" which was from 3 years ago when we were saving up for the reception) and looked at it and there really are 3 sides to a coin. Two really big sides - but then the third - the thin edge that holds both sides together.
Isn't that amazing?!?
And you know what? All 3 sides matter.
So I'm not going to delete it (I'm learning from my best friend "Christabel" to not 'edit out' my blog - because they're memories and we can't edit them. Lol) but the blog before this where I take the blame for everything that's happened between my brother and I and I'm sorry for it all and want him to accept my apology...
...I don't accept 100% of the blame anymore. And I no longer think 100% of it is Jay's fault.
But I do know that something has to change. And I'm glad I started that ball rolling.
I'm only sorry that 30 years worth of hurts came out at once in that email to my brother; and I should have said what I felt sooner. And I'm sorry too that I swore and used such strong language. I really let Jesus down by swearing. He expects better of me and He deserves better from me.
For what I actually said, what I finally addressed in my long email to Jay - and for my "no more bullsh*t" stance on the whole thing? I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL AND I WILL STAND BY EVERY WORD - AS I THINK IT HAS INTEGRITY AND THAT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY IT.
So I told my Dad - as shortly and as succinctly as I could (which of course for me is very hard) about Jay's wedding. About my email being angry at what he did to my wedding and how Jay has not provided for me in his wedding to Kate - and how he's been very demanding and selfish lately.
And I wrote underneath my explanation that I AM NOT WILLING TO BACK DOWN on what I said to Jay.
I also wrote that I love my brother, that I always will and I don't want my parents to worry we'll never speak to each other again - it's just that this argument only happened a few weeks ago so will still be quite 'raw' for us both. (I secretly suspect Jay's already moved past it and doesn't care...that I'm the only one hurting over it and still dwelling on it, but I didn't say that in my email).
I just wanted to put my parents at ease that maybe 6 months down the line, Jay and I will be okay to talk again. Jay and I will be civil and polite to each other and will start attending family functions at the same time and not avoiding each other.
I know I will try. I know it's important.
What I won't do, though - is grovel and try to be the peacemaker. Not anymore.
I've said my piece and although I admit I should have said it earlier and should have been less rude in the way I said it, I'm proud that I said it at all. For me, that's a bloody big deal.
I read over my email to my Dad. Woah, it was long.
(I see what you mean about my writing, Sue - I do tend to "go on a long tangent", hey?)
I walked away from my laptop and watered all the plants and flowers.
I prayed.
I sang.
I came back and read it again.
I made a few adjustments.
I prayed again.
I went away and had a cup of tea.
I read over it one last time. Much of it was the same as the original version - but now was less bitter and less resentful - more just opening my heart and saying honestly "here's what I feel" and "here's why".
I pressed 'send' and have never felt more proud of myself in my life.
I slept well that night. The sleep of a prisoner who's been found innocent and has gone home to his own bed for the first time in a very long time.
In the morning, I checked my phone.
3 text messages.
1 from my best friend Christabel
1 from Alun
and 1...from my Dad.
I read Christabel's text with a smile. I've told her about my family situation and about my brother and she was checking in on me to see if I was okay. Alun's text said "remember I love you and you're not alone". Oh Alun. I love you too.
I took deep breaths about the last text.
Expectation:
"YOU STUPID, IGNORANT GIRL. What the f**k have you done?!? You're a complete and utter disappointment. You always have been. I can't believe you'd say such horrible things about your near-perfect brother. I'm furious with you and never want to see your ridiculous face EVER again!!!"
Reality:
With shaking fingers, I opened the text. It read:
"Go, you good thing! I'm so proud of you *lots of happy emoticons/emojis* I know it was hard to write what you did and I'm proud that for the first time in 30 odd years, you're standing up to your brother. Woohoo! I'm cheering you on. Well done, my girl. Well done!!! Call me when you get this so we can meet up and I can hug you. Ok? Love you, Dad xx"
I couldn't believe what I was reading.
I actually pinched myself.
Ow.
Okay. So...this is real, then. I'm not dreaming.
Alun says if he's not sure he's dreaming, he tries to fly. That way, he'll know if what is happening is real or not.
So right there in the living room, I tried to fly.
Nothing happened.
I read the text again and tears welled in my eyes.
In all my life...I would have never dreamed this was possible.
Dad wasn't just accepting of my email - he was proud of me?!?
What is going on in my life?
I checked my email. Sure enough, there was a response to the email I'd sent Dad.
In the title of my email to him, I'd written "Long rant - prepare yourself, Dad"
In the title of his reply to me, Dad wrote "short rant - just so proud of you :)" and had just written the words "Well done you for standing up for something you believe in"
Well.
Well, well, well.
I write long blogs, don't I?
I'm really sorry and I'm so grateful you've stayed alongside me. Even though I waffle a lot.
I didn't go to family dinner on Thursday night. I think I made the right decision.
I went instead on Friday afternoon to go and hang out with my parents.
I could tell from the moment Mom opened her apartment door to me that they were both very, very drunk.
Dad normally gets affected in 2 ways when he's drunk:
1) He becomes a story-teller and wants to talk for hours and hours
2) He becomes really angry and bitter about things that have happened in the past and gets easily angry about anything I say and do at the time, too.
Yesterday, I got see a new version of "drunk Dad"...a very emotional one.
I wasn't sure how to respond to this version because I've not dealt with it much in the past.
Dad held me close and got very teary.
"I'm very proud of you" he said, tears slipping down his face.
Okay.
This is weird.
"I'm very proud of your brother, too. You have both grown and learnt so much and are both doing so well. I thank God that each of you has come out so well and that you've chosen partners on the second time around that are both so good for you. I am so blessed and such a lucky man, you know"
Yep. This is definitely weird.
Then he got into a very drunken 'time loop' and kept saying the same 5 phrases over and over to me - and this lasted 3-4 hours.
"You and your brother need to make peace and get along"
"You need to make things right with him"
"I want to know what's happened - don't leave your Mom and I out of this...Please tell me what's happened"
"When you're ready to - I'd like to know why you're angry with your brother. He's very upset about this and very hurt by whatever message you sent to him"
Because I knew Dad was pretty drunk, I would just murmur politely to each phrase. "Yes, yes...I know", "Yes, I'll talk to you about it all another day" "Yes, some other time, Dad...ok"
And he'd be okay with my answers - nodding away to himself and frowning - then he'd start over again.
I took deep breaths and clenched and unclenched my fists and gave my vague but very polite answers again and again.
Mom was just as drunk and would just nod and quietly repeat the last few words of whatever phrase Dad was re-working into the time looped conversation.
Oh Lord.
It was a long afternoon.
When I got home, I sat in the garden and just cried.
I wonder if I fit into this family at all - did I ever? And if I did - or if I do - what is my place?
Am I valued at all?
Loved?
Does it matter after all this time?
I decided after hours of crying, praying and seeking God - then seeking deep within myself - that it does matter to me.
It does matter where I fit and it especially matters to know if I'm loved.
Life is too short to be messing around.
So, while Alun was at work and my parents were at the Bruce Springsteen concert, I penned out a long email to my Dad.
I explained why I feel the way I feel about my brother. This email spanned the last 10 years of my life with Jay. My fears, my worries, his belittling, his careful and sly insults, my striving to be his best friend, his striving to place me in the 'acquaintance' box...how we butt heads because we honestly see life through very different lenses...I wrote it all down.
I addressed the times I've been there for Jason (when he lived with us, when his dog became mine and Alun's responsibility, whenever he's needed help with something, extra money - you name it, I've been there) and all the times where I've needed him and he's ignored and rejected my calls and not been there for me.
I took a lot of time on one particular section of my email - the part about Jay's wedding and why I'd sent him the email I'd sent him. I assume Jay had already given our parents his version.
And then a thought - a very important one - struck me as I was writing my email to my Dad.
I always thought there were 2 sides in a story - 2 sides in an argument - 2 sides of a coin.
But as I was writing to my Dad and shaking my head; wondering what on earth Jay had said and how he sees things because I'd so love to understand things from my brother's point of view...I had a moment of clarity that there aren't 2 sides in this 'thing' between my brother and I. There aren't just 2 sides to an argument/disagreement/story with any 2 people involved at all.
There are actually 3.
There's Jay's version.
There's MY version.
And there's God's version - the truth of it all at it's core.
I picked up a coin on the table nearby (Alun dumps his coins after every shift and I end up putting them in our "wedding jar" which was from 3 years ago when we were saving up for the reception) and looked at it and there really are 3 sides to a coin. Two really big sides - but then the third - the thin edge that holds both sides together.
Isn't that amazing?!?
And you know what? All 3 sides matter.
So I'm not going to delete it (I'm learning from my best friend "Christabel" to not 'edit out' my blog - because they're memories and we can't edit them. Lol) but the blog before this where I take the blame for everything that's happened between my brother and I and I'm sorry for it all and want him to accept my apology...
...I don't accept 100% of the blame anymore. And I no longer think 100% of it is Jay's fault.
But I do know that something has to change. And I'm glad I started that ball rolling.
I'm only sorry that 30 years worth of hurts came out at once in that email to my brother; and I should have said what I felt sooner. And I'm sorry too that I swore and used such strong language. I really let Jesus down by swearing. He expects better of me and He deserves better from me.
For what I actually said, what I finally addressed in my long email to Jay - and for my "no more bullsh*t" stance on the whole thing? I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL AND I WILL STAND BY EVERY WORD - AS I THINK IT HAS INTEGRITY AND THAT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY IT.
So I told my Dad - as shortly and as succinctly as I could (which of course for me is very hard) about Jay's wedding. About my email being angry at what he did to my wedding and how Jay has not provided for me in his wedding to Kate - and how he's been very demanding and selfish lately.
And I wrote underneath my explanation that I AM NOT WILLING TO BACK DOWN on what I said to Jay.
I also wrote that I love my brother, that I always will and I don't want my parents to worry we'll never speak to each other again - it's just that this argument only happened a few weeks ago so will still be quite 'raw' for us both. (I secretly suspect Jay's already moved past it and doesn't care...that I'm the only one hurting over it and still dwelling on it, but I didn't say that in my email).
I just wanted to put my parents at ease that maybe 6 months down the line, Jay and I will be okay to talk again. Jay and I will be civil and polite to each other and will start attending family functions at the same time and not avoiding each other.
I know I will try. I know it's important.
What I won't do, though - is grovel and try to be the peacemaker. Not anymore.
I've said my piece and although I admit I should have said it earlier and should have been less rude in the way I said it, I'm proud that I said it at all. For me, that's a bloody big deal.
I read over my email to my Dad. Woah, it was long.
(I see what you mean about my writing, Sue - I do tend to "go on a long tangent", hey?)
I walked away from my laptop and watered all the plants and flowers.
I prayed.
I sang.
I came back and read it again.
I made a few adjustments.
I prayed again.
I went away and had a cup of tea.
I read over it one last time. Much of it was the same as the original version - but now was less bitter and less resentful - more just opening my heart and saying honestly "here's what I feel" and "here's why".
I pressed 'send' and have never felt more proud of myself in my life.
I slept well that night. The sleep of a prisoner who's been found innocent and has gone home to his own bed for the first time in a very long time.
In the morning, I checked my phone.
3 text messages.
1 from my best friend Christabel
1 from Alun
and 1...from my Dad.
I read Christabel's text with a smile. I've told her about my family situation and about my brother and she was checking in on me to see if I was okay. Alun's text said "remember I love you and you're not alone". Oh Alun. I love you too.
I took deep breaths about the last text.
Expectation:
"YOU STUPID, IGNORANT GIRL. What the f**k have you done?!? You're a complete and utter disappointment. You always have been. I can't believe you'd say such horrible things about your near-perfect brother. I'm furious with you and never want to see your ridiculous face EVER again!!!"
Reality:
With shaking fingers, I opened the text. It read:
"Go, you good thing! I'm so proud of you *lots of happy emoticons/emojis* I know it was hard to write what you did and I'm proud that for the first time in 30 odd years, you're standing up to your brother. Woohoo! I'm cheering you on. Well done, my girl. Well done!!! Call me when you get this so we can meet up and I can hug you. Ok? Love you, Dad xx"
I couldn't believe what I was reading.
I actually pinched myself.
Ow.
Okay. So...this is real, then. I'm not dreaming.
Alun says if he's not sure he's dreaming, he tries to fly. That way, he'll know if what is happening is real or not.
So right there in the living room, I tried to fly.
Nothing happened.
I read the text again and tears welled in my eyes.
In all my life...I would have never dreamed this was possible.
Dad wasn't just accepting of my email - he was proud of me?!?
What is going on in my life?
I checked my email. Sure enough, there was a response to the email I'd sent Dad.
In the title of my email to him, I'd written "Long rant - prepare yourself, Dad"
In the title of his reply to me, Dad wrote "short rant - just so proud of you :)" and had just written the words "Well done you for standing up for something you believe in"
Well.
Well, well, well.
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