God makes beauty from ashes

If anyone were to ask if I was okay...I wouldn't know how to answer that. I mean, in theory, I'm fine. Absolutley fine. I go to the gym almost every day. I eat a lot healthier than I have in a long time. I still eat cookies and have the ocassional icecream but I'm doing a hellovalot better than I used to. I'm pretty proud of that. I try hard to be mindful - to be more 'in the moment' in my life. I notice I'm always 'rushing ahead' to the next thing - like if I'm in work, I'm rushing ahead in my mind to going home...then I get home and I'm rushing ahead to going to bed - ticking off in my mind all the things I need to do...all the things that need my attention between the time I sit on the sofa to watch TV and the time I'm pulling the blanket up over me and gratefully snuggling into bed. Even then, I'm rushing ahead to the next morning in my mind, planning what to wear for work, what to pack for lunch, what workout to do a...

Here in Australia, January 26th is "Australia Day". I think we're the only Country in the world that has a day off just to celebrate being the Country that it is. I really like that :) This Australia day was a good one. An important one, because I travelled by myself to the city to watch the fireworks. I'm so glad I did because they were so beautiful. Australia day also marks one exact year since my brother has spoken to me. One. Exact. Year. Because I lost my sh*t on Australia day last year...and Jay has never forgiven me. I truly believe he'll hold this 'hurt' close to his chest for the rest of our lives. I've seen him do it with others and I can imagine how easily he's finding doing it to me, too. It hurts me. A lot . But even though my depression and anxiety will make sure I blame myself and beat myself up for what happened - LOGIC overrules it and these are the facts : I messed up. Pretty bloody badly. Jay did NOT take it well...

I've been depressed and anxious for a lot of my life. I guess it first started in my late teens...and now I'm' 40 and supposedly used to it. It's a horrible illness to suffer from...but over my life, I've found ways to get through it. With depression, that's the best you can do, really - sit tight and ride it out. Wait, pray and keep still until it passes. I have 2 instances where depression nearly killed me. "The great sadness" of 2009 where the sadness was so great - so tactile and so real, it literally knocked me onto my knees every single day. I remember when I came out of it - it took months - I promised myself I could never go back to that . Ever again. I knew if I ever did, it would definitely kill me. Praise God, I never did. I had another really bad instance last June/July where depression got it's hands around my throat. It was overwhelming but it didn't beat me. It got close a few times...but praise God, I survived. I think ...

I look back on all the times I've been depressed and it all starts with the same thing: Feeling absolutely knackered. I'm tired, you guys. Right down to my bones. I'm also very unhappy about nothing and that sucks. I didn't want to get up this morning. I laid in bed, flat on my back for a good 15 minutes, my stomach aching and my heart breaking (again, for no reason whatsoever), just weighing up whether or not to go into the office. Everything in me just wanted to curl up and stay right where I was - safe and cosy in bed. Just me. Just like that. Bliss . But then I remembered Alun had worked a double-shift the night before. 16 hours . He'd come home with a weary smile, kissed me noisily on the cheek (sometimes to be annoying, he licks my face! ugh!) and said something about having a good day. I don't remember because I was falling asleep at the time. I don't know how he works such a long shift then comes home and is so happy. I don't know ho...

That's what I'd say to my younger self if I could travel back in time - "You're badass, JD" Makes me laugh - because my younger self probably hasn't heard that word and wouldn't quite know what to do with it. Uhh...thanks? Haha. It seems selfish and conceited but I think this year it's important to compliment myself. And guess what? JD - You're badass! I am. Because: I'm resilient AF. I get knocked down so many times...but I get back up. Sometimes I bounce right back up...sometimes yeah, I lay on the ground for a while, trying to figure out what the heck happened to put me there in the first place...but every time...I get back up. And that's something. I'm a genuinely caring, considerate person. I offer my bus/train seat to the elderly or injured or pregnant without a moment's hesitation. I look out for other people. I chase people down to return whatever they've dropped. I physically take people to places th...